“I’m not actually leaving town until Wednesday morning,” she said, edging toward the woodstove. “But I probably won’t see you after this.”
Billy crossed the room and stood with her in front of the stove. His arm rested against hers, and she had to resist the urge to lean into his muscular shoulder. She stole a glance up at him, scrutinizing his profile. His chin was scruffy, and there was something older about the set to his jaw.
“Why don’t you want to see me again before you go?” he asked, his voice a low rumble.
“Because it will only make things harder,” she said, looking back at him.
“And yet you’re here.” He turned and met her eyes. “You sure you can stay away?”
“Quit teasing,” she said, turning back to the woodstove again.
“I’m not teasing,” he retorted. “I’m serious. I think what we have together is bigger than your neatly organized plans for how you’re going to cut off your feelings!”
Grace shook her head. “Whatever I felt for you—”
“You still feel,” he finished for her.
“You’re just being mean now,” she said, shooting him an annoyed look.
“I’m being honest,” he clapped back. “You still feel it. I’m not just your buddy from your single years. I’m more than that. And you know it.”
“And what does it matter?” She spun to face him. “What does that do for us? This—whatever this is between us—is complicated and messy.”
“It’s a fact!” Billy shook his head. “There’s a handful of really special relationships in life, and what we have is one of them. This counts...for something! And it deserves more than to be pushed under the rug because it isn’t convenient!”
“That’s easy for you to say,” she replied. “You have your friend you can call from time to time, a dinner date when I come back to see my parents... It’s all fine for you right now! But what about when you meet a woman you want to marry?”
Billy shook his head. “I don’t have one. I’m focusing on my parenting.”
“But you will. Don’t be so stubborn,” she said with a sigh. “Women throw themselves at you. It’s only a matter of time before one sticks. You’ll find some nice woman who will love you and Poppy both, and she’ll hate me.”
“If she’s so nice—”
“Billy, just listen for once!” she snapped. “She’ll hate me because I’m not just some pal from the old days. I’m more than that. And if she has half a brain in her skull, she’ll see that plain as day, and she’ll want me as far from you as possible. Women are territorial.”
“We’ll deal with that when it comes,” he replied.
She smiled bitterly and then turned back to the stove. “And what about me?”
“What about you?” His voice had gotten louder. “You mean, what about some guy who gets jealous of me?”
If only that were her primary concern! That would be a rather pleasant worry...the man in love with her who was jealous of the guy who’d always been a little too close to her.
“No, I mean what happens to me when you fall in love with some woman, and I’m left with a broken heart all over again?” Tears welled in her eyes and she shook her head in frustration with herself. She didn’t want to cry. She wanted a straight path, something easier. But with Billy, she kept getting tied into knots.
“You’re the one who wants to cut ties.” Billy’s voice was thick with emotion. “That’s not me!”
“Because there is only so much my heart can take!” She rubbed her hands over her face. “Billy, I can’t stay halfway in love with you and move forward in my life, too.”
It was so much easier for him! He could have pretty much any woman he wanted, and he wanted to hold on to her as a friend...who he kissed from time to time? Who he cuddled up to when he got lonely?
“Halfway in love...” His voice softened, and she wasn’t sure if she heard teasing there or not. Whatever. It was true.
Grace looked up at him miserably. “This isn’t fair, Billy.”
“So, I’m the selfish jerk who isn’t considering what my friendship does to you,” he concluded. “That’s it?”
“This is way past friendship.”
“Yeah, it is.” He stepped closer, and she was forced to tip her chin up to look him in the face. He slid his hand into her hair, then trailed his fingers down over her cheek until his thumb rested on her bottom lip. “This is past buddies. Past going to movies together, and hanging out. This has sprinted way past all of that. Now when I look at you, I’m trying to figure out how to get you to kiss me again...”
He rubbed his thumb against her lip, then slid his hand behind her neck again, deep into her hair. She shut her eyes for a moment, feeling that rhythmic movement of his fingers against her neck.
“This is my point,” she whispered, her voice trembling. “Whatever this is...it can’t last!”
“I agree,” he said woodenly, and he stared down into her face with agony in those dark eyes. “But I don’t want to say goodbye. Is that so terrible?”
Tears sprung to her eyes. “Billy—” she started, but he hushed her by leaning down, his lips a whisper away from hers.
“No,” he breathed, then his lips covered hers. His mouth was warm and urgent, and he wrapped his other arm around her waist, pulling her firmly against him. The warmth from the fire mingled with the heat that built between them, and when he finally pulled back and broke off the kiss, Grace was breathless.
“You’re halfway in love with me,” he said softly. “Well, I’m all the way in love with you. So where does that leave us?”
* * *
BILLY HADN’T MEANT to say it...and as he stared down into Grace’s shocked face, he wished he could take the words back. Although it wouldn’t stop them from being true. She’d hidden her feelings for him for years, and he would have been wise to do the same now. But looking down the barrel of a lifetime without Grace had shaken it all together for him.
“You...” she whispered. “You love me?”
Billy nodded. “I know you don’t feel that way for me anymore...”
“I’ve always loved you,” she said softly. “That never stopped.”
“Not halfway?” he asked, his voice choked.
She leaned in and caught his lips with hers, her kiss tender and sad. And when she pulled back, she wiped a tear from her cheek.
“But I can’t do this, Billy! It’s me—I can’t.”
“Because I’m not good enough,” he said. “I can’t read, I’m not a provider and—”
“Oh, Billy, you’re enough,” she countered, and her words coiled around him temptingly. How he longed to show her just how much man he was...
“It’s not that,” she went on. “It’s...” She sucked in a deep breath, and for the first time, she seemed to still, to center herself. “Despite whatever we’re feeling now, I’m not your type.”
“My type...” He shook his head.
“You know what I mean. You had so many chances to be with me, but when you had a choice between the friend who loved you and some cute blonde you hardly knew...”
He’d chosen the other woman. Again and again. Stupidly and blindly. He hadn’t seen the romantic possibility between them back then, but he sure did now. How he could have missed her simmering sensuality, he didn’t know.
“I was an idiot,” he said. “I know it now.”
“I was never enough!” she countered. “If I had been, you’d have seen it long ago—you’d have chased after me. And if I wasn’t enough back then, why would I be enough now?”
“You could have said something,” he said, his words catching in his throat. “You could have told me that I wasn’t giving you what you needed—what you deserved. You could have told me how you felt.”
“I didn’t know how,” she said softly. “I’m not like
those other women who just put it out there...and maybe that’s for the best. You’ll thank me for this later, when your life settles down and you find a woman you’re more naturally attracted to—”
“Stop that!” he said, anger rising inside of him. “You are not putting this one on me and saying it’s because I’m not attracted to you enough! If you hadn’t noticed, I’ve had a real problem keeping my hands off you! You’re beautiful. You’re smart. You’re perfection. I love your curves, your hips, your eyes, your lips...your brain...your heart...all of you! I don’t need you to change anything. I’m not looking for a different woman!” His gaze fell on that little red storybook on the floor, and the words evaporated from his tongue. In the bedroom, his daughter was sleeping, and his future would be tied up in his life as a dad.
“Then what are you looking for?” she demanded.
“I’m just trying not to mess up my daughter too much. Besides, I can’t ask you to give up your life in Denver.”
Billy knew what he could give, and right now it didn’t look like much compared to the life she’d already lined up for herself. He had a little girl to raise who needed to be able to trust her dad to put her first.
“You’re doing great with Poppy...” Grace whispered.
“I can’t do to her what my mom did to me,” he said. “You wanted me to reconnect with my mom, and that was good advice. The thing is, it doesn’t take a bad person to mess up as a parent. Mom meant well. I just... I have to succeed as a dad. I can’t be stupid, or selfish, trying to sort out a romance when my daughter needs me. I can’t be that guy.”
They stared at each other sadly, and Billy reached forward, tucking a curl of hair behind her ear. How he longed to pull her into his arms and just forget about reality.
“But I love you,” he added feebly. “Staying friends is going to be torture—for both of us. I know that.”
Loving her, and not being able to kiss her, or hold her... Loving her and having to pretend that she was nothing more than a pal... Loving her and having to watch her fall in love with some other guy who would be so much more deserving of her, while he stood by and watched her look up at that other guy with those glittering blue eyes...
“It would be,” she said, her voice quivering.
“That’s a torment I’d be willing to endure just to keep you in my life, but I won’t ask you to do the same,” he said, swallowing hard.
“I have to get over you...” she whispered. “It’s been too many years of loving you and coming up empty. I have to move on...”
“I get it,” he breathed.
Grace looked up into his face, her eyes filling with tears. “Goodbye, Billy.”
He hated the finality of those words.
Billy wrapped his arms around her and held her close. He shut his eyes, inhaling the soft scent of her perfume. Then he released her.
“If you ever change your mind and want to call...” he said huskily.
She didn’t answer. She wouldn’t call. She went to the door and pulled on her boots and slid into her coat once more. When he closed the distance between them, she shook her head, her chin quivering.
“No, Billy,” she breathed. “Just let me go...”
So he watched her walk out of his cabin. Then he stood in the frigid air of his open doorway, and he watched her get into her car and drive away.
When he finally closed the door and locked it, he went over to the couch and sank into its depths, picking up that little red storybook and hugging it against his chest the way his daughter had.
The tears stayed locked just under the surface, making his heart ache with the weight of them. He was a dad, and no one said that being a good father wouldn’t hurt.
This time, being a good father meant giving up the love of his life...the one woman he longed to be with, but who didn’t trust him with her heart in return. She was wrong about that, of course. If he didn’t have anything else holding him back, he’d never even blink in the direction of another woman again, if he had Grace Beverly to come home to.
His little girl would never know what he’d given up for her. He’d never tell her. And she’d have a proper, loving, supportive childhood at long last.
But he’d never stop loving Gracie. He’d just have to get used to the weight of this sadness and learn how to carry it with him. They both would.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
BILLY DROVE POPPY to school the next morning, and he met her new teacher. Mrs. Powell was a sweet woman with a big smile and jangly jewelry, and she’d been all caught up on Poppy’s situation. All would be well...academically. Still, this classroom didn’t feel the same without Grace in it.
“You gonna be okay?” he asked Poppy, bending down to kiss the top of her head.
“Yep,” Poppy said. “But I miss Miss Beverly.”
“Yeah...” he said gruffly. So did he. “Okay. You be good. No biting or kicking.”
“Ha, ha, Daddy,” Poppy said, and he tried to shoot his daughter a regular grin, but he wasn’t sure he managed it.
“Let’s all go inside now, friends!” Mrs. Powell said. “Boots off! Coats off! Let’s go!”
Friends. That’s what Grace had called the kids. He’d assumed it was her thing, but maybe it was a school thing, instead. The things that seemed personally hers...maybe they hadn’t been. Not all of them.
As he headed out of the school, he felt a wave of sadness. Today he had the morning off. He glanced at his watch. Raising Poppy on his own was going to require a whole village of people who loved her, too. That was what the child welfare agent had said during her visit last night, at least. And maybe a visit with his mom, without a little girl watching them with that confused look on her face, would be a good thing.
So Billy drove to his mother’s house. As he parked, the front door opened and an older man stepped outside. He wore a pair of steel-toed boots that Billy could recognize from a distance, and he had a lunch box in one hand, a thermos in the other, and a hard hat tucked under one arm. He turned back, dipped his head down and kissed Heather. Billy pushed open his door, and as he got out, Gerald saw him for the first time.
“Morning!” Billy said.
“Morning.” Gerald headed across the crunching snow, dropping his hat on his head and switching his load to free up his right hand. “I’m Gerald Heeler—your mom’s friend.”
“Yeah, she mentioned you.” Billy shook his hand. “Pleasure.”
He glanced back to where his mother stood on the step. She was fully dressed, an apron around her waist, June Cleaver–style, and she waved.
“I just want you to know, Bill, that I’m real fond of your mom. She’s a good lady. And I’m going to do right by her,” Gerald said.
“Well, she’s always made up her own mind about stuff,” Billy said with a wry smile. “I hope I didn’t offend you when I didn’t want you to come along for babysitting my daughter.”
“I’ve got three daughters of my own,” Gerald replied. “All grown-up now, of course. But I get it. You’re a dad, and you’ve got to make sure your little girl stays safe. So no insult here. You’re doing a good job. You’ll take your time and get to know me.”
“Thanks.” Billy eyed the older man for a moment. Maybe his mother had finally chosen a good one.
“Well, I’ve got to get to work. I come by early sometimes, and your mom makes me breakfast. Just in case this looks...untoward.”
“Have a good day,” Billy said with a small smile. “I’m sure I’ll see you around.”
Gerald headed for a beat-up Chevy that was parked behind his mother’s car, and true enough, his mom’s car windows looked frosted over, and Gerald’s truck was completely thawed. Not that it should matter, but the honesty was a nice touch.
“Hurry up!” his mother called from the door. “I’m freezing!”
Billy picked up his pace and met his mother
on the step.
“Hey, Mom,” he said.
“Come on in, sweetie,” Heather said, stepping back. “This is a nice surprise.”
“You got time?” he asked.
“Don’t have to work till one,” she replied and shut the door behind him. “Poppy’s at school?”
“Yeah,” he said, unzipping his jacket. “And I’ve got the morning off, so I thought I’d come see you.”
“I’m glad.” His mother smiled at him. “So, what did you think of Gerald?”
“Nice,” Billy said, glancing toward the front window. Gerald’s truck had already left, though. “He seems like a decent fellow.”
“He really is, you know?” she said, leading the way toward the kitchen. “He’s a good man, and for whatever reason, he’s in love with me!”
“Is it mutual?” It was a dumb question. He could see that it was by the way she talked about him.
“Yes, it’s mutual,” she said. “But we’re taking it slow. I don’t exactly have a great track record, so... But speaking of taking it slow, is Gracie still in town?” Heather stopped at the fridge and opened it. “You hungry?”
“She’s...um...leaving for Denver tomorrow,” he said.
“Oh, sweetie...” Heather turned toward him, letting the fridge fall shut again.
“Mom, it’s not a big deal,” he lied. “We’re friends, and her life is in Denver. That’s it.”
“You’ve been in love with her for years,” Heather countered.
“Nah—”
“Well, you didn’t see it, but I sure did,” she retorted. “And that girl is in love with you, too.”
“I know.” He rubbed his hands over his face.
“So what’s the problem?” his mother demanded. “You’re both healthy, single, decent human beings, in love with each other—”
“I’m a father!” he blurted out. “That’s the problem!”
“Single parents get married all the time,” she said, but the easy tone had left her voice. She crossed her arms protectively over her chest and eyed him for a beat.
Falling for the Cowboy Dad Page 21
