by Sands, Samie
There really is no option of ‘okay’ anymore.
Twenty
The next time I feel fully aware, I’m lying in a prison cell. A damp, dark cell with thick bars before me. I don’t know if the door is locked or not, and I’m not sure I want to find out. I think I’d prefer to just lie here and wait for the inevitability of death to come for me.
“Are you okay, Katie?” Rachel’s sweet voice calls through the bars. “Sorry, you looked sick so I let you sleep for a while.”
“Where are we?” I rasp, even if I know the answer really. “Where is this?”
“The cops brought us to the police station now while they work out what to do next. Everyone has a cell to sleep in, and there’s food and stuff. I know it isn’t ideal, but it’s safe for now. There are even spare clothes if you want to change into them, and someone has pulled out a pinball machine...not that you’re probably in the mood for that.”
“I don’t think I’m sick, Rachael,” I rasp dejectedly at her. “I think I’m infected. I think I got bit back at the facility.”
“They checked everyone, Katie. They didn’t let anyone on board who was bitten.” She narrows her eyes at me as if she doesn’t understand what I’m saying. “I think it’s just shock, that’s all.”
“They mustn’t have checked me. They didn’t.”
“I...I saw them. They checked you, Katie.”
I force myself to sit, to check over my body to find the bite that I know is there, but something happens...my brain shuts off and I don’t know what’s going on around me...
TIME PASSES. I DON’T know how much, but the more of life that floats by me, the less I can remember. I don’t move from where I am in my cell, even when voices try to tell me that I need to. The girl comes a lot, the teenager, but I can’t recall her name however hard I try. She tells me to move, to eat, to look after myself but I ignore her.
I’m dying. It’s taking forever, but I know it’s happening. Soon, the pain will come for me as my organs shut down. Now that I’ve lost my chance to escape I have to just wait for it.
The police officer comes to see me too, the one who pointed a gun at my head. He speaks to me sweetly, he talks to me when it becomes obvious that I’m not going to respond, he doesn’t seem to give up however hopeless things become.
I like him, he seems like a nice man, and he has a great face too. He’s striking; tall, dark, and very handsome. The sort of man I might go for if my life wasn’t at an end.
To occupy my mind as I die, I start to imagine an epic romance between us, just to give my brain something else to think about other than the virus. It plays in my head like a soap opera. We learn all about each other over a secret picnic and bottle of wine shared in an office in the police station. He tells me that his name is Oliver and that he’s had a complicated life. Our first kiss happens later that night, as we share a dance to music only we can hear. It’s soft and sweet, so tender I almost want to cry. It’s such a lovely thought when everything else is so awful.
In my brain, we continue to date in private, snatching moments whenever possible. He showers me with chocolates and flowers, he even gives me a golden chain which he tells me I must never take off so that he will always be with me. Soon, we make love. It’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. The intensity of our situation, combined with the feelings we have for each other, makes the event explosive. Afterwards, while we embrace one another tenderly, he whispers the three words I have been desperate for him to say.
“I love you.”
It’s the most perfect romance, the sort I should’ve had during my life. I wish now more than anything that I’d had such a love because now I know how much I’ve missed out on.
At least I’ve had it in my mind, I suppose.
It’s funny, when the virus finally gets its full grip on me I grab my neck, and for a minute I can swear I feel the golden chain sitting there, the gift from Oliver to remember him forever...
Crackdown
Prologue
Holes pierce the young boy’s body, making him flinch and flail as he’s turned into a human pin cushion. I can hear the bullets leaving the gun, I can even smell the gunpowder wafting up my nose, but it isn’t until I glance across to Enrico, my best friend and police partner, and I spot his horrified face that I realize the one doing the shooting is me.
What the hell have I become?
For years I’ve followed the rules, ever since I turned things around I’ve done exactly as I’m supposed to. I’ve become the best version of Oliver Reed that I could ever be. So why now do I find myself aiming my gun at, and killing an innocent lad who can’t be more than a teenager?
Enrico’s face says it all, it tells me everything that I need to know, and all that I can’t accept. I’ve irrevocably changed...and not for the better.
I take a glance at the world around me, really drinking in the shit storm it’s turned into recently. Is what I’m doing worthwhile? Are any of us making a difference, or are we simply soldiers in a war that can never be won? I hope it’s worth something because I’m losing myself along the way. I’m not the man I used to be, not even close.
‘Marie?’ I think hopelessly to myself ‘I’m sorry for what I’ve become. I know I’ve never been good enough for you, and you always knew it too. If you saw me now would that just be confirmed for you? Would you be glad you left me in the way you did?’
Tears fill my eyes. I feel emotions that I’ve suppressed for years. I can’t cry here though, I’m an officer of the law, bound to be strong and protect. These are my duties, my instructions, I’ve been told what to do so that’s what I need to do. Nothing else matters.
No, nothing matters at all. It never has and it never will.
I feel the cool metal against my temple as I decisively hold the gun there. This is the only option I have left, there isn’t anything else I can do.
“Mate, what are you doing?” Enrico screams beside me, but I slide my eyes closed to block him out, to block the world out.
I have to do this. I hope one day he understands, there are just certain things that a man cannot come back from.
I count to three inside my mind. One...two...three. Then I do it, I pull the trigger and I end everything.
One
Suicide, I can’t believe it!
I shake my head into my hands, feeling totally shocked at myself. I can’t believe I actually held the gun to my head and I pulled the trigger. If there had been just one more bullet in that chamber I’d be dead now. It’s shocking to think about, it sends bolts of ice-cold terror right down to my heart.
“What’s going on with you, man?” Enrico asks me sadly while shaking his head. “You’re losing it, Oliver. I don’t want to see you crack. Not right now. You’ve always been so strong, If you want to tell me what’s going on then maybe I can help you.”
I don’t know how to answer that, I’m not sure when it all started going so wrong for me. I could say it’s when I aimed my gun at that boy, I could tell Enrico it’s when I pulled the trigger and ended the life of someone innocent, but if I’m totally truthful with myself it began so much longer ago. If I want to be truly honest, then I need to consider the moment my life took a different turn.
“Marie,” I whisper sadly through the gaps in my fingers. “It all stems back to Marie.”
Two and a half years ago, almost a lifetime when I think about what’s happened since, I found my girlfriend lying across her bathroom floor, lifeless and totally cold. The strangled expression on her face while she lay in a pool of blood and empty prescription drugs bottles still haunts me to this day, it makes me wonder if she actually meant to die or if she realized that it was a mistake halfway through.
I could never tell what was going through Marie’s mind, and that remained the case up until the day she left this world.
No one knows about this, it’s a part of my life that I prefer to keep secret because I don’t ever want to be judged on it, but Enrico has been told, I tr
ust him with my life so I know he’ll understand me when I open up just a little bit.
“You can’t blame yourself forever,” Enrico does his best to reassure me with a pat on the shoulder. “It wasn’t your fault what happened.”
But it doesn’t matter what he says to me, I’ll always hold some responsibility. If I was a better person, if I wasn’t a mess back then, maybe Marie would’ve got the help she so desperately needed. Sure, she was an alcoholic and she dabbled in illegal drugs...I did too, it was how we met at a drug-fuelled party, but she never showed any signs of wanting to die. We’d just made a vow to one another that we’d change, that we’d put the life of petty crime behind us, we were supposed to be having a fresh start, it wasn’t supposed to end in such a horrific way.
“Plus, you need to think about how much you’ve done since then. You’ve gone on to help so many people.”
It wasn’t easy to start down the road of becoming a police officer when my imaginary resume didn’t have anything worthwhile written upon it, but somewhere within the fog of grief, I knew it was what I needed to do. I can’t remember what I did after I found Marie’s body, I don’t recall a funeral, the time immediately afterward is nothing more than a blur, but I can remember with absolute clarity that my life needed to go down a new path. I wanted to be an officer of the law.
I got my head down, I studied hard, I used everything inside of me to drive me towards my goal, and as soon as I achieved it, I felt good. I knew I was doing the right thing. The unpredictability kept me on my toes, it helped me never to get bored, I thought I would love my life forever.
Then the AM13 virus came along and changed absolutely everything. All over again. Only this time, not just for me. Everyone has been affected by this change.
“I’m just scared, Enrico,” I tell my best friend seriously. “I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting this. I don’t know how much longer we can all keep battling this. One way or another, it has to end.”
The look Enrico gives me suggests that he’s thought of that too and that he doesn’t fancy our chances against the virus either.
Perfect, just brilliant.
Two
The AM13 virus began as just another media scare being portrayed on the news. No one paid much attention, people barely even talked about it, I guess we all figured it would just blow over like all the different strains of flu, and that everyone would have forgotten about it within a month or so.
I certainly paid no attention to it, I was just trying to keep my head down and to get on with my job. Ever since I landed my position on the force, nothing else meant anything. I became an addict for my police work, it was a healthier way to work my personality.
But I was wrong, we all were. Something that can only be seen with hindsight.
This time, for some reason, the virus didn’t seem to vanish. The media scares grew fiercer and more intense with every passing day. Instead of everyone forgetting about the silly illness and moving onto something more important, everyone began discussing it as if it was something real and vital. Experts were on television discussing it, every newspaper printed about it on the front page, it began trending on every single social media channel possible. It became so common to see #AM13 online, it seemed like everyone had reverted from not talking about it at all, to being unable to speak of anything else.
Then it infiltrated my work, so I had to pay attention too.
The hospitals became so overrun, there was a lot of panic out on the streets which of course meant certain people behaved in a negative way; fighting, looting, that sort of thing. We had to be extra vigilant. We were also told to look out for people showing signs of the virus too, but I didn’t pay any attention to that. I wasn’t sure why the police were being told to search for anything who looked a bit flu-like, that felt like a waste of energy. Sure, the potential violent side effects, such as biting, fine, but anything else was below me.
Then I saw one for myself. My very first virus victim. I don’t remember what day it was or what I was even doing. All I know for sure is one minute everything seemed very normal, there wasn’t a scrap of anything weird in the air at all. I had no idea that my life was about to be turned upside down forever.
Then I saw her.
She had her back to me at first, the only thing that made me concerned about her was the matted blood in her hair. I wanted to help her, to save her from whatever trouble she found herself in. I called out to her, puffing out my chest, feeling brave and positive.
Until she span around.
The blood wasn’t just in her hair, it was everywhere; over her face, down her tee-shirt, dripping from her mouth. At first, I thought she was eating a steak, even after hearing the rumors about the infected eating other people, I didn’t immediately think that was what I was seeing. I mean what sort of person immediately jumps to that conclusion?
“Are you okay, miss?” I asked pointlessly, because obviously as I now know once people are infected they lose all of their brain function. Well, most of it. They can still move and eat. Eat humans, anyway. But they no longer listen or talk, they no longer emote. They don’t do anything that makes them human. They become a slave to their bodies needs only. Their new bodies needs.
I guess the term ‘zombie’ is the only thing that describes them well. I don’t like to think of them in that way because I think it makes them cartoon-like, but in the popular media, that’s the closest thing out there. The victims don’t die before they turn, it just slowly happens, and they go more of a gray color than green, but other than that it’s mostly still the same.
It’s horrible. A new, terrible world.
In all honesty, much as it still pains me to have Marie gone, I’m glad that she never had to face this world. It would have been much too hard for her. She was a beautiful, fragile, tortured soul that abused substances to handle the real world. This would have been far too much. It’s hard enough for me, as I proved to myself only yesterday.
If only things were handled differently, if only I had some control over what happened during all of this, then none of this would have happened.
Three
In all honesty, it wasn’t too bad in the beginning. Our main job was to stop anyone getting into too much trouble, that was standard, just what we did anyway. The only extra duty was to take any sick people to the specialist medical facilities that had been set up specially to deal with the virus. That was good, it kept us busy, and we were all keen to stop the virus from spreading. Hearing that 35% of people could potentially die from the infection was pretty scary, none of us wanted that.
The specialist medical facilities seemed to be running much better than expected since they were set up in the middle of an emergency. The hospital staff seemed to have it very much under control, I didn’t ever see anything in those buildings that troubled me, it all looked as good as it could be. I thought we were working smoothly, all together like a finely-tuned machine, I presumed it would all be over before we knew it and it would soon be something long forgotten. Soon, the AM13 outbreak would be something we didn’t think of much anymore...
Then, the Lockdown began, not that many people listened to it at first. Everyone was supposed to stay indoors in quarantine to prevent the virus from getting worse, but no one really complied with the rules. We didn’t know how strict the rules were either, so we didn’t pay much attention. Not until the Chief came in and told us that we now had to crackdown on anyone outside. We had to insist people comply with the rules and remain indoors, on threat of death. It was so important that the rules were enforced, that nothing else mattered as much.
That was the moment I started to listen.
I thought I would never enforce the death rule though, it was just one of those empty things that we said to try and scare people into doing what we wanted. I would never have thought that I would be the man standing in front of a teenage boy, firing bullets into his heart.
But then I saw one.
More than one.
Lots of them everywhere, littering the streets.
I started seeing them more and more regularly. The infected. The grey skin, the white eyes, the blackened blood, the violent bloodlust temper...this virus started doing things to peoples bodies that were utterly inexplicable. People should die when they’re shot in the heart, in the chest. If a heart stops beating, the person should not live anymore. But that is what we started seeing, people with bullet holes in their hearts, still living. Only a gunshot straight into the brain of someone infected will kill them which is terrifying. It isn’t normal., it’s inhuman. It makes me see that anything is possible and that the foundation the world is built upon doesn’t mean anything anymore.
The impossible is more than possible.
I started to realize the danger and the threat that the virus really presents and I grew scared. So scared that I started to actually do as I was told. We were commanded that anyone spotted on the street was to be considered infected and killed. Murdered before they can be infected. Maybe it isn’t the worst rule. The vague information we have suggests that the virus is transferred through bites and doesn’t always show immediately. But once there’s a bite, there’s no turning back. Maybe the brutal rule is a way to put people out of their misery. After all, I wouldn’t want to end up like that.
Luckily I didn’t see anyone that didn’t fit the bill for a while, so I could tell myself that everything we were doing was okay. I didn’t even have to think about it, I could just tell myself smugly inside that I had it under control. I thought the police were the good guys, that we didn’t do a single thing wrong. Being good is the only thing I want for myself after my past and losing Marie, but now...now everything is topsy-turvy again.
