by Sands, Samie
Ever since I killed the teenage boy and I tried to kill myself.
I don’t know much who I am anymore, or what I’m supposed to do. Nothing feels right and I’m scared that I’m losing myself again. I honestly don’t know if there’s any way back from this.
Four
That boy...I wonder what happened to his family. I tap my pen aimlessly against my chin as I think. I don’t want to think about that boy anymore. In an ideal world, I wish I could just forget about him so that I could carry on with my life, but I can’t. Every single time I let my mind wander it’s all about him. He’s consuming me, killing me slowly. His body, the blood, the unmistakable stench of death...it’s all too much.
“Come on, mate,” Enrico says with a weak smile as he stands at the end of my desk staring down at me a little bit like I’m something from a zoo. I can see his gaze flicker towards the bottle of extra strong painkillers that are sitting there, the ones that I was supposed to stop taking years ago, but he doesn’t say anything about it. I can tell he can see that I really cannot hack it today. The life lecture can come some other time, thank you very much. “We’ve got to head over to the specialist medical facility. There have been some reports of some chaos over there.”
“The hospital?” I ask, the fog in my brain clouding over. “Really?”
“No, that facility they set up for the infected.”
I want to give out a spiteful laugh at that remark. After what I’ve seen recently I don’t think any specialist facility will be having much success in solving all of this. The infected are inhuman, they’re unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. I don’t think there’s any point trying to cure it because it’s utterly ridiculous. I could argue this point with Enrico, I could tell him that I cannot be bothered to over to what is effectively a morgue, but I don’t. I don’t think I have the emotional energy to argue. I’ll just take it on the chin now and keep it all inside.
“Yeah sure,” I sigh while pushing myself into a standing position. Every inch of my body feels achy and weary, it’s as if I’ve been in a boxing ring or something. “Whatever we’ve got to do.”
Enrico lets me stew in my misery on the drive over. I can’t stand to look at the disgusting state of the world anymore so I slide my eyes closed as he drives. Maybe I even fall asleep, I’m not quite sure. It’s probably a good thing if I do since I haven’t slept well for ages. I can’t remember the last time I climbed into bed and I simply fell to sleep without any issues. It was long before all of this started anyway, and it’s only got worse since I became a murdering son of a bitch.
It isn’t until the car comes to a stop and I snap my eyes back open again that Enrico says anything to me. “Sorry for dragging you along on this trip,” he says regretfully. “I just thought that you could use a bit of time away from the station. You look...you look like you’re struggling at the moment.” He turns in his seat to look at me with sheer concern in his eyes. “You know there is always someone to talk to if you need to. I’m always here.”
“I know,” I reply in a croaky tone of voice. The emotion is thick in my throat making it a struggle for me to get my words right out. “I know, Enrico. Thank you. What...erm, what do we need to do in here?”
“I think it’s just control, I don’t know the full details.” Enrico offers me a one-shouldered shrug. “I suppose it must be hard for them all to keep control over the virus victims, I don’t know how they’re doing it.”
“Or why,” I say coldly, unable to keep my bitterness in any longer. “But I suppose someone needs to try and help.”
“Of course.” Enrico seems stunned by my outburst. “Or it’ll just get worse. If there isn’t anyone trying to find a cure to all of this then it’ll just get worse and worse. More people will get infected.”
I roll my eyes, forcing myself to keep my unwanted opinions in and I push myself out of the car. We walk towards the small, innocuous-looking building rapidly and purposefully, as if we’re doing some good. I keep up the appearance that I agree with what we need to do with work. I’m an officer of the law, not someone who’s supposed to fall apart at the seams. I want to make a comment that it doesn’t look like the sort of place where anything good can happen, but I don’t bother. What would be the point?
Enrico pushes the door open and I stand behind him while we go inside. Already there’s noise and chaos, my heart instantly leaps up into my throat as terror becomes all of me. There’s a sense inside of my chest that this might be more than just chaos, that there might be something more dramatic going on in here than just a bit of crowd control.
If I’m honest, I think everything has gone to hell.
“Help us,” a red-haired woman gasps at me and Enrico, her eyes wide and full of unbridled fear. “Please, help all of us.”
Five
Gunshots fire off all around me and I turn to see Enrico already in the thick of the action. I’m right, this is something much more, it’s terrible. The specialist medical facility set up to put all of this to bed has been overrun. I suppose it was obvious this would happen, but seeing humanities last hope completely fall apart is hard. The people supposed to be rescuing us are now more victims to add to the ever-increasing numbers.
This is where they were supposed to find a cure, I think morosely as my eyes drink in the blood splattered all up the wall and the numerous bodies slumping to the ground. Now, it’s just another graveyard.
I’ve been searching desperately, trying to find a reason to keep on going and I keep getting knocked back. It’s okay fighting for the world if it’s a worthwhile battle, but this is something humans can’t survive, I’m sure of it. Maybe it’s time to drop our weapons and cave to what seems to be the thing to take over top spot. Humans are no longer top of the food chain, and there isn’t anything we can do about that anymore. We had a good run, I suppose.
But then I think about giving up, walking into the crowd of the infected and allowing them to bite me, to turn them into one of them, and every fiber in my body protests it. Fighting this is obviously the more challenging option, but I cannot give up on humanity, not just yet. If that means I need to remain alive to fight this, then so be it.
“Oliver, do something!” Enrico screams at me. “We need to fix this.”
I glance down at the gun in my hand, wondering how much use it’ll do. Only a temporary amount, that’s for sure. If we’re really going to continue battling this then we need to get everyone unharmed out of here. They need to escape this hell.
“Get out of here!” I yell loudly, hoping everyone can hear me above the noise. “Everyone who isn’t infected needs to get out of here and come with us.”
I fire my gun, using my precious bullets to take out the people who are clearly riddled with infection while trying my hardest to find anyone who looks like they might be okay. One of the men in medical scrubs points me to a bus out in the parking lot which I send people to for the time being.
“What’s happening?” a pretty blonde nurse asks me while clutching onto my arms. Her voice is cracked and her body dirty. “Where are you taking us?”
I don’t know whether I should tell her or not because she’s somewhere in the middle. I can’t be certain that she isn’t infected, but I don’t know if she one hundred percent is either. If I make the wrong call, I condemn either her to death, or a bus full of people.
“I don’t know where we’re going,” I admit. “But for now everyone who hasn’t been bitten is headed to the bus outside. Have you...?”
I don’t get my answer because she slumps to the floor, piling up over herself as she passes out. Her blonde hair splays out around her dipping in just some of the blood that pools there.
“Hey...” I grab the most coherent-looking doctor I can see. “When you get out there, you need to check over everyone before they get on the bus. Make sure they aren’t infected.” I glance down at the nurse, knowing that I’ll never be able to stop thinking about her if I leave her there, and I really don’t need to
add more guilt to the stack I already have. “And take her, please.”
He goes, but I can only relax a little. I trust him enough for the moment, but I’m still going to have to check everyone over myself before I set this bus into motion, especially if we end up heading anywhere near the police station. I cannot bring the disgusting illness with me.
The world is in a horrible mess, I tell myself with absolute clarity. Carrying on means finding a way to make that okay...at least for the time being.
Are we capable of that? Not just me and Enrico, but all of us? I’m not too sure about that one...
Six
I stare around at the crowd that’s gathered in the police station, wondering how on Earth I’m supposed to keep it under control. With only a few of us here we’ve been getting by, but it’s still been dangerous, we’ve still lost people. Now, I feel like I’m responsible for the safety of people who can’t even take care of themselves. People who’ve already been through enough.
This is a nightmare, I think desperately as I press my hands into my hips. What are we going to do with everyone? They can’t all stay here.
I suppose, in a way, they could. We have cells with beds in, physical room to hold them all but that isn’t all we have to consider. What about food and other supplies? What about a long-term plan? This isn’t viable for an extended period of time, especially since it won’t stay like this forever. Something has to change one way or another when it comes to this virus, and we need to be prepared for it. Especially the police force. We’ll be at the forefront of it all.
“Shall I send everyone to find a bed?” Enrico asks me nervously, twiddling his thumbs as he looks to me for guidance. “At least for now while we work out a plan?”
I turn my back on the crowds, not wanting them to hear my next comment. “Are you sure that no one here is infected? Did they get properly checked?”
“One of the doctors checked them, I checked them, and you did. I think we’re safe on that front. That isn’t really the main issue right now...
I hope he’s right, I really do, but I’m genuinely afraid. If even one person slipped through the cracks then we’re endangering everyone here. We’ll end up in as big a mess as they already were at the specialist medical facility. Enrico is wrong, that will always be our main issue.
God, I hate being in charge! I don’t understand how I’ve somehow ended up in this role. I wish someone else would step up to the plate but they keep waiting for me.
My breaths feel heavy and my heart pounds in my throat, but I get past all of that for long enough just to nod. “Okay, yeah. Send everyone to a cell for now.”
People scatter in every direction under the instruction of Enrico which allows the stress to roll off my shoulders just a little bit. There’s still a lot of pressure there, I don’t know when I’ll be able to get rid of it all, but at least for now we have a resolution.
I’ll just go and check on everyone, I think decisively. Just to ensure that no one is infected.
I can’t let it go, I don’t know if I’ll ever relax again. It doesn’t matter how tired I am, sleep feels a million miles away.
As I move from cell to cell, I have to admit that all looks okay. I believe we’ve left all the infected people behind. Of course, that bothers me too because now they’re simply out there, adding to the ever-growing problems out there, but I suppose I can only tackle one issue at a time. I’m just one man.
“Are...are you okay?” I ask, leaning against the bars of one particular cell. “Miss?”
A blonde lady lies on the cold, hard floor, her knees up by her chest and her hair splayed out everywhere. There’s something about the terribly sad image that makes me want to reach out to her, to hold her delicate frame in my arms, but I can’t.
“I don’t think she is,” the voice of a teenage girl speaks to me. “I think she’s sick. Not infected,” she corrects herself rapidly just as I’m about to freak out. “Just ill. It might even be stress. She was one of the nurses at the specialist medical facility and I think she’s taken it hard.”
There’s a powerful jolt in my chest as I realize who I’m looking at. This is the pretty blonde nurse who I’ve spoken to a couple of times. My heart goes out to her even more, I have to believe that she might be ill and not infected because there’s no way I can send her away.
“I suppose...” I cough a little awkwardly. “I guess we’ll have to have someone watching her all the time, to check she doesn’t get worse. And maybe some antibiotics would be a good idea, what do you think?”
The girl shrugs helplessly. “I’m not sure. Luckily there are plenty of doctors about to ask. Don’t mind helping out with keeping an eye on her though.”
“Is she a friend of yours?”
“Sort of.” She bites on her nail thoughtfully. “I mean, I didn’t know her before all of this but we’re all friends now, aren’t we? We have to be. To support one another.”
I guess that’s another way of looking at things. I’ve been so focused on survival that I haven’t considered actually building relationships with everyone. I suppose that might be another way of making this whole horrible mess a little more bearable.
“I’m Oliver, by the way.” I extend my hand to shake hers. “Since we are all on the same team.”
“Yeah, and I’m Rachael.” She points her thumb towards the cell. “And she’s Katie.”
Katie. I stare at her shuddering body, wishing I could make this easier for her. Nurse Katie.
“We’ll muddle through this,” I promise Rachael. “Somehow.”
Seven
“How are you doing, Katie?” I ask her kindly while sliding some food into her cell. I never know how she’s going to react to my presence; sometimes she’s really happy to see me and we have a nice time together, but there are darker times when she can’t seem to stand me or anyone else. “Are you feeling any better today?”
She offers me a one-shouldered shrug and slides across the room to greet me. As the thin strips of light hit her, I spot a small smile playing on her gaunt face which allows relief to flood through me. She’s happy, that’s the main thing, that alone will get me through the rest of this challenging day. Whenever Katie has anything like a nice expression on her face, I get a glimpse of the person she was before all of this started, and that person is the most beautiful person that I’ve ever known. Inside as well as out. Through all the grime and stress, plus the oversized sweater that swamps her frame I can tell that she’s stunning and that she has a good heart.
Okay, I’ll be honest, I have a crush on her. I know it’s inappropriate but it’s been building for a while. I can’t seem to help it. She’s the complete opposite of Marie, but I think that might be what I need to keep me going. Having someone to care for has done absolute wonders for me.
There are times when I think she might feel the same way, during her better days. We’ve had some really nice times together, sharing picnic food and watching movies, during which I swear she might even want to kiss me. I don’t want to push her though because I don’t want her to hate me when she’s low. This isn’t the time or place to be starting anything new and I really don’t think Katie has her head in the right place either.
I’m just lucky that she isn’t infected so I don’t have to lose her completely.
“I erm, I got you something today,” I tell her while a redness tinges my cheeks. “It isn’t much, I just...I found it in one of the store windows along this road while I was out...” I don’t want to finish that sentence. If I tell her about clearing out the infected that have been gathering around the police station, it’ll send her spinning right back once more. It always does, anytime anyone mentions the AM13 virus. “I thought you might like it.”
It’s a small, delicate-looking chain with a little star on the end. Katie has been my shining start through all of this and I want her to know. I guess this is my way of telling her without using the words. It’s the coward’s way out.
“You shouldn�
��t have done that,” she replies sharply, folding her arms across her chest. “That’s not right, you shouldn’t have got me anything. I don’t deserve it.”
“Yes, you do,” I plead while holding it out to her. “Everyone deserves nice things these days, we all have to get through this somehow.”
“Not me.” Her expression darkens as her mood grows increasingly sullen. I shouldn’t have done this. Then again, it’s difficult to know right from wrong these days, it seems to change so rapidly. “I messed up, I caused this, I don’t get to have nice things. Not when so many people are dying. It isn’t right.” She gestures wildly. “I should be out there, not locked away safely in here.”
“Katie, we’ve had this conversation before.” I do what I can to keep my voice calm and considerate, despite all the pent-up frustration. “You didn’t create this virus, you didn’t kill anyone, you don’t deserve to die. I know you didn’t cure this like you wanted to, but that doesn’t mean all hope is lost. Someone must be out there doing something about this.”
“I need to get to the hospital. I need to see if anyone is there.” She gives me a desperate look, one that tugs at every single one of my heart strings. “Maybe one of my friends is doing something. I know you said the hospital was overrun, but what if it isn’t?”
“Katie, I don’t think...”
“No, I know you don’t think I’m right. That’s why I need to be the one to do this.” There’s a mania in her gaze that I really don’t trust one bit. I can’t let Katie do this, I cannot risk losing her now, no way. “I need to leave and check. I’ll never know until I check.”
I cling onto Katie’s shoulders and I stare deeply into her eyes. As I do, it hits me hard how much I really do care about her. I don’t even really know her that well, only the bits and pieces that she’s told me when she’s had a good day, yet my emotions run deep. I might even love her. I don’t want to get ahead of myself when my feelings might just be developing due to the stressful situation, but I think it could be love.
