The Moon is Missing: a novel

by Jenni Ogden

  “Will you stay here?” I asked him.

  Leroy started, as if from some dream. “I haven’t thought that far ahead,” he said, sounding weary. “But I’ll stay until Mom is on her feet again, and we’ve got this house mended.” He gazed around as if seeing, not the normal-looking kitchen, but the chaos outside. “I’m not sure Mom will be able to live here by herself anymore.” He paused. “What do you think, Georgia?”

  “It’s probably too early to say. But I read her medical notes, and the orthopedic surgeon was pleased with her hip replacement. So I don’t think that will hold her back once she fully recovers from the pneumonia.”

  “She has a live-in companion and a daily cleaner and a gardener anyway. I guess they left before the hurricane hit. Let’s hope they want to come back,” Leroy said. “And Luke and his family will be coming home to New Orleans soon. But I’ll have to return to New Zealand, at least for a while. I left in a mighty hurry. I have excellent staff, and Fiona is there to keep an eye on the restaurant, but if I’m going to be away for an extended period I’ll have to find a manager.”

  “I need to think about all this. I can’t take it in. I have to talk to my parents before I do anything else.”

  Leroy nodded. “Be gentle with them, Georgia. Whatever they did, however wrong it was, I’m sure they did it out of love.”

  “Lara is on a mission to meet Danny’s family. That was one of the reasons we came here. Do you think…”

  “Not yet. Not yet. One day perhaps we’ll meet her. But we all need time.”

  “Will you give me your address in Queenstown? I don’t want to lose you again. For Lara’s sake.”

  “Of course.” Leroy took the notebook I extracted from my handbag and scribbled in it. “Are you going to contact Fiona? Can you give me a few days to tell her first?”

  I nodded. “I’m sorry, Leroy. None of this is your fault. Danny loved you so much.”

  Danny’s father opened his arms and held me until I had no more tears.

  Chapter 23

  I leaned back in my seat, desperate for sleep. My flight from Baton Rouge to Boston gave me six hours. But sleep didn’t come and I peered out the window of the Continental Airlines jet as it flew away from the shattered landscape. My stomach contracted as I caught my reflection in the ‘plane window and saw a hint of Lara. How I wished I was with her now as she winged her way home to London. But I had to finish this, and the only way to do that was to confront Dad. Mum too. She wasn’t entirely blameless, keeping Dad’s secret from me all these years. I clamped my eyes shut and forced myself to think of something—anything—else.

  Seventeen days since we’d landed in New Orleans, but it felt like months. I’d driven back to Thibodaux yesterday, passports and suitcases on board, preparing myself for an argument with Lara when I told her I was going to New Zealand to see Mum and Dad, but that she was going home. She took it like a lamb. Poor kid had had enough excitement; she wouldn’t admit it but she was homesick for Adam and Finbar, and even school. Adam hadn’t even tried to discourage me from changing my plans and flying to New Zealand. I’d intended to tell him about Dad and his affair, but it was too hard. Too raw. Secrets and lies. I’d tell him later after I’d talked to Mum and Dad.

  And I had to tell Lara the truth. After I’d come to terms with it. Somehow I had to find out, remember, whether I was with Danny on the Pa. Being rejected by Danny—I can understand how hurt, how angry I was—but ending up seriously disturbed in a psychiatric ward? Panic attacks ever since? It made no sense. There was something more terrible that I’d repressed. Did Danny slip? Why was he even up there? What if I had something to do with it? Is that what I’ve blocked out all these years?

  I took the cup of coffee from the steward and ripped the plastic from the sandwich. Outside the window gentle white clouds floated in a calm blue sky. Down below New Orleans became further and further away. Would I ever go back? Take Lara? Would she ever see Savannah again? Her father’s Piano Bar? Would she ever meet Leroy?

  Fiona?

  Yesterday, after Stork had pulled a few strings and got the police to get our suitcases and passports from the cordoned-off Park Plaza, we’d walked around the French Quarter, and for a small moment the swarm of angry bees buzzing in my head calmed down. The voodoo shop was locked, but still standing. Even if Kat had ended up in the doomed Convention Center or the Superdome, she was a survivor. Mrs. G too. Her hotel was deserted, but other than smashed windows it had also escaped obvious damage.

  I was desperately looking forward to the next three days. I needed a space to think before getting to Auckland. Stork had tracked down Harry's mobile number, and he’d asked me to come and stay before my plane left for Auckland on Monday night. Something else to feel guilty about. I knew full well why I’d avoided Harry all these years—the same reason I’d never returned to Great Barrier Island since Danny had died. Too scared of my memories. No more denial.

  Lucky Harry, living in that wonderful beach house. It was a surprise to hear he’d given up orthopedics, but being a family doctor would have its compensations, and Caroline and the kids were probably much happier living on Cape Cod than in an apartment in New York. Harry had sounded almost the same; perhaps a bit more serious. It would be good to see him. We’d had a lot of fun, back then, when we were young and immortal.

  Picking up a rental car at the airport, I joined the steady stream of traffic heading out of Boston. With only a quick coffee stop in Hyannis I made good time, and nearly shot past the short no-exit side road leading to the shore. There, set apart from two other houses and facing the windswept sand dunes and silvering sea was the lovely two-story house, shingles brown now with time and weather. The green paint on the shutters and window boxes had faded, and the trees and shrubbery hugging the house had matured, giving it an overgrown look. The moss-covered stone chimney liberated a wispy spiral of fragrant wood smoke into the mild September evening, and the windows glinted a welcome in the luminescent evening light.

  The door opened and Harry came towards me. For a second I felt shy, but then he held his arms open and I fell into them. Emerging from his bear hug I pulled back and looked at him. He was looking back, and as our eyes met our laughs collided in mid-air. Harry had lost most of his hair, his face was lined, and his once slim frame had thickened. I must look so much older to him too. Then, within seconds, the changes time had stamped on my old friend vanished and the Harry I remembered was standing there.

  “You’re still gorgeous,” he said, and I felt his fingers tipping up my chin. “Slim as ever, and all that lovely hair.” He took away his warm fingers and my eyes watered as I saw the wry expression on his face, so dearly familiar.

  “I always was the better looking of the two of us, and the older we get, the wider the gap grows,” I said.

  “And still modest, I note. Damn it, Georgia, it’s good to see you. Come in and see the old house.” Harry took my hand and pulled me in the door.

  “I can’t believe I’ve left it so long.” I looked around the big kitchen, still much the same. “I love this place. It feels so—I don’t know—homely, I suppose. I didn’t realize I’d missed it so much.”

  “You’re a busy girl, and the Cape is not exactly a weekend jaunt from London.” The same old grin split Harry's face.

  “I know, but to tell you the truth, I’ve been in Boston for a few weeks almost every year for the past five years, teaching a course at Mass General. I could easily have made time to come over here for a weekend. I hadn’t even realized that you lived here now, but I could have found out.”

  “Never mind, you’re here now. Make yourself at home while I brew some coffee.”

  I moved over to the antique dresser, picking up a photo that peeked over the piles of paper on its surface. “Caroline looks wonderful,” I remarked, gazing at the smiling woman with a youngish teenager on each side of her. “And it’s easy to pick the parents of these two.” The girl was a younger version of Caroline and the boy a dead ringer for t
he Harry I’d known when we were at Mass General. An intense longing for my own kids tightened my throat. I swallowed. “You guys are the perfect American family.”

  “Not so perfect anymore,” mumbled Harry, as he set the coffee pot on the table.

  I replaced the photo and sat down. I should have twigged that all wasn’t well. Trust me to put my foot in it straight away. I sipped my coffee, waiting for Harry to explain further.

  “Caroline walked out six months ago. She took the kids with her.”

  “Oh Harry, I had no idea. What happened?” I screwed my eyes up as a pain stabbed at my temple. “Sorry, Harry, it’s none of my business.”

  “It’s OK, Georgia. I don’t mind talking about it. In fact it’s all I ever seem to do.” He rubbed his hand over his balding scalp. “Basically I messed up once too often. One little flirtation that went too far, and Caroline found out about it.”

  “Gosh. How awful. Is she, is the new girlfriend still around?”

  “No, she wasn’t ever serious—that’s what’s so stupid. Why I’m so stupid, I mean.”

  “Do you think Caroline might come back?”

  “I kept hoping for a while, but when the kids were here last month they let slip that she has a boyfriend who seems to be serious—like he sleeps there every weekend.”

  “That must be hard to deal with. I guess you’ll get used to it in time though.” I tried to think of a less fraught topic. “How long were you practicing in New York?”

  “Ten years—I joined a private practice there after we got married. Caroline didn’t want to leave, but my practice got into financial trouble. The competition in orthopedics was ridiculously intense, and the liability cover we needed became impossible for us to service. So when my partner retired, I opted out as well.” Harry grimaced. “The orthopods who took it over are doing fine; my heart simply wasn’t in it. I got quite depressed near the end.”

  I heard the despondency in his voice.

  Harry took a few gulps of coffee. “So we decided to change lifestyles completely, and came here five years ago. The community was crying out for a doctor, and Mom and Dad had retired to San Diego, so the beach house was sitting here empty. That made a difference, given our financial situation. I did a few courses to get me up to speed on family practice, and that’s about it.”

  “And being the local doctor; are you happier?”

  Harry's face relaxed. “I love it. It’s not the easy option by any means, and in some ways it’s harder work than the New York practice. I do house calls, work seven days a week quite often, and even deliver babies sometimes. And twenty percent of the time I don’t get paid. But everyone is genuinely grateful, and getting to know my families well is pretty special. A few folk have gone cool on me since Caroline left, but surprisingly most people seem to have forgiven me, or at least don’t let it affect their attitude towards me as their doctor. Not that they have much alternative.” He looked glum again.

  “I’m envious,” I said. “Living in this sort of a place, and having that intimate relationship with your patients.”

  “The trouble is, it will never make up for losing Caroline and the kids.” His blue eyes looked almost black. “Take it from the expert, Georgia, and never allow yourself to succumb to temptation. No way is it worth it.”

  I caught the shine in his eyes, and looked away, Adam's distraught face hovering behind my eyes.

  “Not that that’s likely. You always were too good to be true.” He grinned, the Harry of old again. “We had some bloody good times back then, didn’t we just. Remember the sexy Danny?” His grin evaporated as fast as it had appeared as he caught my expression. “Sorry, that was thoughtless. I’d almost forgotten you two were serious for a while. I only found out that he’d died because there was a bit about it in Music Review. I was gutted for a while. For you, more than anything. I did write to you. But you probably didn’t get my letter. I couldn’t find your folks’ address, so I sent it care of Auckland Hospital.”

  “I can’t remember if I got it or not. I couldn’t face answering letters, so I might even have thrown it away. I was in a terrible state for months, but I should at least have let you know.”

  “Don’t be silly. It doesn’t matter. I’d just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. Danny was a good guy, in spite of his charm.”

  “What do you mean, in spite of his charm?” I asked, not knowing whether to be irritated or amused.

  “Calm down, girl. I was trying to be smart. All I meant was that charming, sexy fellows usually make my fists itch, but Danny seemed almost unaware of his charisma. A pity really. I’d have liked an excuse to hit him.”

  My eyebrows arched upwards. “Whatever for?”

  “I was jealous as hell, that’s why. Surely you realized?”

  “Over me? You’re kidding. I thought I was just one of the guys to you.”

  “You were so besotted by lover-boy, nothing else penetrated your pretty head.”

  I scanned his face. He must be having me on. Nope. “Heavens Harry, I’m sorry, I had no idea. You were so easy to be with, and I thought you were in love with Caroline. And there was me filling your ear with my love-sick raves.”

  “Anything was better than nothing. I survived my broken heart, and once you went back to New Zealand I got over you pretty darn smart—decided Caroline was my true love after all—so don’t go getting too big a head.”

  My shoulders relaxed and I grinned. “No hope of that. But why on earth did you organize Danny and his band to entertain at your 30th birthday? Here’s me thinking you were playing cupid.”

  “I was, I suppose. There was no way around it; you were in love with the guy and you were miserable. I wanted you to be happy, or at least find out if he and you were for real. A bit of me probably hoped you would discover he wasn’t as hot as you’d remembered, and you would fall into my arms.” He leered, but not very convincingly.

  “You had a lucky escape. Imagine the stress if you’d got married to a neurosurgeon.”

  “Right. Back then all I could think about was how sexy you were.” Harry grinned and then frowned. “Christ, we were bloody relieved when you sent us that Christmas card out of the blue, telling us about Lara and that you’d met Adam.”

  “I’m sorry, Harry. I was so thoughtless, leaving it for so long. Caught up in my own pain. It wasn’t only you, and it wasn’t just back then. I’ve been so self-centered, cutting Adam out, not taking Lara and Finbar home very often to see Mum and Dad.” I swallowed, but the tight ache in my throat didn’t budge. “I know I can’t make up for all of that, but I’m going to change. Try and be less selfish from now on.”

  “You’re forgiven. I never blamed you anyway. Caroline and I felt for you. You should remember your old saying—I think you inherited it from your father—do you remember? You used to say that guilt was a pointless emotion. I’ve tried to tell myself that plenty of times over the past year, believe me.”

  “I’m not so sure about that now. It sounds like an excuse for bad behavior.”

  “Bugger. I might stick with your dad’s advice for this weekend at least. Seems to me soul searching is not all it’s cracked up to be.”

  “Do you think you and Danny would have stayed together if he hadn’t had that dreadful accident?” It was after dinner and we’d both had a few wines.

  “No,” I said, my voice sounding a tad strained. “He’d already decided to leave me. Actually, Danny’s part of the reason I returned to New Orleans after all these years. I’ve been having problems myself, and I’ve been seeing a therapist. Apparently the mess I’m in stems from my guilt over Danny's death, and not facing up to it.”

  “What exactly happened? The accident, I mean?”

  Strangely I found I could say the words. “He fell from a cliff after we had a terrible fight. We’d planned to get married and stay in New Zealand and he flew south to where his parents lived to tell them. When he got back he’d completely changed. Told me he wasn’t ready for marriage and wanted t
o go back to the US and take up a contract he’d been offered with RCA. I was so hurt and angry that I didn’t tell him I was pregnant. I chucked him out. The weather was terrible and I didn’t care. Next morning I found his body, but I can’t remember whether I was with him when he fell. The more I think about it the more I feel scared that I might have, I don’t know, pushed him because I was upset or angry, I don’t know. Or perhaps it was suicide.”

  “You’ve been thinking this stuff all these years? Gosh, Georgia, that’s horrible.” Harry banged his coffee cup down on the table.

  “Apart from Adam and my therapist, you’re the only person I’ve confessed to.”

  “How did Adam take it? You two are all right? Please tell me you are. I don’t think I could stand it if you weren’t.”

  I nodded. “I think we’re going to be OK. It’s been touch and go though. How Adam has put up with me, I’ll never know. But he has, and I think I’ve come through the worst of it. Being in Katrina helped. Put my trivial problems into perspective, I suppose. Adam has been so worried about me that I think he’s almost forgiven me for my shitty behavior.”

  “Make sure you don’t take that for granted,” Harry said. “He sounds like someone to hang on to.”

  “He is. He’s such an incredible father. And he loves Lara to bits. As much as I would give anything for Danny not to have died, even if he hadn’t left me we could never have been as happy as Adam and I have been all these years.” I was silent for a moment. “I know it’s tough being married to a neurosurgeon. I’m never there when I’m needed. I don’t think Danny would have coped very well when I had to put my patients first.”