by Kasey Krane
I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand.
“A few days ago, I think, I don’t know, these people won’t tell me anything. I’m in Las Vegas right now. I came for the funeral.”
“You’re in Vegas?” Marley sounded excited even though she tried to hide it. Like me, she obviously wished these were not the circumstances under which we would be reunited.
“Yeah…I’m not sure for how long. I just needed to come here myself.”
“Of course, that is understandable and you know I’m glad you’re here. Where are you going to stay?”
I hadn’t even thought about that.
“I’m not sure yet.”
“You’re staying with me, I have that spare room I was telling you about. I don’t want to hear any excuses!”
Talking to Marley calmed me down a little. I needed to hear a friendly voice.
“Okay, thanks hun. I’ll come over in a few hours I guess. Text me the address.”
“I’m sorry for your loss, River, but I can’t lie that I’m excited to see you. We can stay up all night talking, just like the old days!”
That made me smile and then we ended the call.
At least I wasn’t crying anymore. If only I could stop thinking about dad and Spade and the circumstances under which I left this city…but I knew I never could. It had changed my life. It was the most important thing that had happened to me.
I started up the car again and drove back onto the road. I knew exactly where I was going to go next.
***
I parked the car outside the old house. The driveway looked the same, except dad hadn’t been looking after the bushes lately it seemed. I drummed my fingers impatiently on the steering wheel, wondering if he still left the keys under the doormat.
I remembered him telling me nobody in the city would dare to break into our home. He was very proud of that statement. I always thought his confidence was exaggerated but to be fair; nobody had ever broken into our home.
I got out of the car and walked up the driveway to the front door. Even the doormat hadn’t been replaced in all these years. I looked under it and voila! The key was sitting right where it had always been. I couldn’t believe it.
I unlocked the door and stepped into the house, still waiting outside as the door swung open. I felt suddenly very cold, it felt like an out of body experience. Like I wasn’t quite sure where I was in the space and time dimension.
Was I twenty-seven and returning home after all these years or was I still just a teenager coming home from the mall? I peeked down the hallway and everything seemed to look the same, even with all the lights switched off. I felt like my mind was playing tricks on me. How could everything be exactly the same, after all this time?
I stepped in gingerly, half expecting to hear dad’s voice or hear his feet shuffling down the stairs. But there was no sound. All the windows were shut, everything was neatly in its place. It almost seemed like this house had remained unoccupied since the last time I was here.
I gently shut the door behind me when I stepped in. Why hadn’t I had the courage to do this while he was still alive? I could sense him all around me, watching me disapprovingly as I walked down the hallway.
The only thing that was different now that I was noticing were all the photographs. There were dozens and dozens of framed photographs on the walls. Of me or both of us, pictures taken through the years.
He didn’t have any of me after I left Vegas, so these were all pictures of me as a baby or a teenager. I stopped to stare at them.
Did he miss me? Was that why he’d put all these pictures up? I gently touched one of them, an old photograph of me in dad’s arms. We were smiling at the camera, we looked so happy and normal. I just didn’t know at the time how my life was going to be torn apart in just a few years.
There were those tears again. As much as I wanted to continue hating my father, the truth was that I’d always missed him. I’d always wished things could be different between us. I struggled to wipe those tears off, but the more I stared at the pictures; the more they kept coming.
Despite everything that happened between us, I still wished we had a chance to say goodbye.
Chapter Four
Spade
I didn’t stay very long at the Church after the funeral. Soon after River left, I left too. Nobody asked too many questions since everyone was grieving. We were all grieving Buck’s loss in our own way.
I got on my bike and started to ride in no particular direction. This day had turned out to be way more tragic than I was expecting it to. I knew saying goodbye to Buck would be difficult, but I wasn’t expecting River to be there.
Had she made it worse by coming?
She had every right to be here at her father’s funeral. As much as Buck wanted his daughter to always be safe; he would have wanted her here today.
I had always felt responsible for what happened between them. Maybe if I hadn’t walked into River’s life, if I was able to control my temptation and keep my hands off the President’s daughter; River might have had a normal life.
Buck might never have sent her away to Texas. She would have stayed here, in her home and continued the relationship she’d always shared with her father. I knew they were close, and even though I never saw River again, I knew how painful the separation was for Buck.
He never showed it. He was a hardy man. Not one for emotions.
But I saw the heartache and the misery in his eyes every day without his daughter. He missed her, just like I missed her too…and if I just had the courage to be honest with him; we could maybe have shared our misery together.
Because ultimately, we both wanted the same thing—for River to be safe and happy. And I really hoped she had both those things in her life in Texas. That at some point she would forgive me and she would realize she was far better off this way, away from us.
But today when I saw her, I realized that she had never forgiven us. Never forgiven me. She still carried the grudge and of course she had every right to do so. It was the biggest betrayal.
River never saw that coming and I betrayed her without warning.
She was expecting me to fight for her, to stand up for her against her father’s tyrannical decision—but I didn’t. I did the exact opposite. In fact, when she asked me if I loved her, I told her I didn’t.
Granted, at the time I couldn’t define love, but I sure as Hell knew that what I felt for her was real and if there was anything in the world called love, then that was what it was.
But I said no anyway, and I should never have expected her to forgive me for that.
***
I didn’t think Buck would even want to have any kind of discussion with me. I thought he would knock the living daylights out of me and then kick me out of the MC for being with his daughter. But I wasn’t going to run from him either. I’d run from him once and I wasn’t doing it again.
So, a day after he saw my bike in the driveway of his house; I went to the garage and asked to see him. I was prepared to take whatever punches he was going to throw at me.
So, I was surprised to find that he asked me sit down with him and then offered me a beer. I was on high alert, expecting a bag to be thrown over my head at any time; but none of that happened. Instead, Buck told me we needed to have a serious discussion about River. A ‘civil’ discussion. I couldn’t believe my luck. For a moment I thought he was actually going to give me permission to date his daughter!
But that feeling of being over-the-moon did not last very long.
Very quickly I realized what the real reason was for us having this talk.
“I don’t know the extent of the relationship you have with my daughter, and I don’t want to know. But I’m guessing you’ve figured out River is the kind of girl who will put up a fight. She will refuse to do what she is told unless she gets an explanation for it.”
That was his opening statement and I couldn’t agree with it more. River definitely had a mind of her own.
I was biting my tongue as he spoke. All I really wanted to do was tell him exactly how I felt about his daughter, confess my true feelings for her—but Buck didn’t want to give me a chance to explain.
“And you probably also know that she has no idea what the MC is really about.”
All I could do was nod along with everything he had to say.
“The bottom line here is that I need to get River out of here before things get even worse than they are.”
That was when my brows crossed. I watched as Buck ran a hand through his hair and sighed.
“The shit that’s going on these days unfortunately puts me in a vulnerable position.”
I didn’t have the full details of what Buck was talking about; I was just a prospect then, but I had some idea—The High Rollers were just starting off the gambling business and our competitors were making life miserable for us for creeping into their territory. Now I could see what Buck meant. The fact that he had family, that he had a daughter whom he wanted to protect—made her a liability for him.
I nodded again.
“Do you agree that it would be safest for River to leave town? Go somewhere safe?”
Those words came as a surprise to me. Yeah, I wanted her to stay safe and I would have done anything in my limited capacity to protect her…but sending her away…
“I’ve been looking for a reason to send her away. I can’t tell her what we do, what business the MC is involved in. I can’t explain to her why I need to keep her safe, but this might be the best opportunity I get.”
I was dumbstruck. I’d barely said a word since Buck handed me that bottle of beer. I was expecting a thrashing from him, not agreeing on a deal with him to push River out of my life.
“You want her to leave Vegas?”
“Her mother lives in Texas. It would be best for her to go and live there.”
“River will refuse to go,” I said and Buck nodded.
“Which is why you have to convince her. Break her heart. Do whatever you have to do. Make sure she leaves this place before things turn real nasty around here.”
When I didn’t reply Buck lunged towards me, bringing his face close up to mine.
“I just want to keep my baby safe,” he hissed.
I agreed to the plan because Buck convinced me it was the best thing for all of us. Either way, he wasn’t going to approve of the relationship, at least this way, I would still get to remain in the MC and I was going to make sure River was safe.
I had to force myself to break her heart over the phone that night, when every cell in my body was screaming at me to just tell her the truth. But I’d convinced myself I was doing it for her.
***
I’d been riding my bike aimlessly for what felt like hours and I hadn’t realized that I was in Buck’s neighborhood now. Very close to his house.
I jerked the bike to a stop when I recognized the rented car in Buck’s driveway. It was the one I’d seen River get into at the Church earlier.
Why was I surprised to see her here? Of course, it was natural that she would want to visit her childhood home. I slowed down my bike, lingering outside the house for a few moments.
I was itching to talk to her. To see her again. To look into her eyes and make her see it was all a lie. I always loved her, I never forgot about her…but it was too soon.
I remembered the way she’d looked at me outside the Church earlier. She had made it very clear that she wanted me to stay away.
My phone rang, snapping me out of my thoughts. It was Rook calling.
“Hey man, where did you disappear to after the funeral? The guys and I decided to meet up today, just as an unofficial meeting to figure this shit out.”
“Okay, yeah, great, I’m on my way,” I said.
“Tempers are running high. Everyone’s getting pretty angsty. You better come quick,” Rook said before he quickly ended the call.
Chapter Five
River
I did not want to go into my old bedroom because I wasn’t sure what I would find there. There had been so many nights back in Texas, when I would stay awake, tossing and turning and wishing I could just be back in this room again. In this house, amongst familiar things. Now I was here and I was afraid to look at anything or touch anything.
When I did walk into my bedroom today, I was stunned again by how familiar it all was. Everything was in its place like I’d left it. Not one thing had been moved. At the same time, things were dusted and clean. It was obvious that dad made sure that this room was looked after but nothing was moved. It was like a shrine for me. I was filled with sadness as I walked around the room.
I couldn’t help but think of all the days and nights I’d spent in this room. The hours and hours I’d spent on the phone with Spade after we met. When dad had no idea I was talking to him. That reminded me of something else and I rushed to the drawers of my small study table.
In it I found the polaroids. Several of them. There was picture after picture of Spade, mostly with him covering his face with his hands but there were a few of him smiling too and ones when I’d caught him unawares. The same blue sparkling eyes and that handsome smile. Spade was never one to smile much, but every time he did he took my breath away. The same chocolate brown hair which was shaggy back then. Even when we were that young, he was so strong and masculine to look at. He was nothing like the other guys I knew. Spade was different…but I should have known that different was not necessarily a good thing. There were photographs of the sunset and other places we had gone together too.
I knew I shouldn’t even have been looking at these images but I couldn’t help it. I just kept flipping through them. I was reminded of how happy we were, how happy I was at least and how foolish I was to presume we were happily in love.
It was a short lived teenage romance that was never meant to last. I should have known that the MC would always come first for Spade. I shouldn’t have trusted him.
I shoved the pictures back into the drawer again. There was no way I was putting those in the cardboard box or taking them anywhere. I shouldn’t even have gone looking for them because now I was left with a bad taste in my mouth.
Of bitterness and regret. And wishing I’d never met Spade. Maybe then my life wouldn’t have changed so drastically.
***
Every inch of this house was full of memories. Mostly good. All good, actually. Before that dreaded week when dad pushed me out of the house and out of Vegas, everything had seemed so normal around here. We were a happy family; even if it was just dad and me. We were a happy cozy family of two. Even as a child, I had never questioned why we didn’t have my mom around.
There were no photographs of her around the house, neither did she call or write. Sometimes, over the years, she would send Birthday or Christmas cards…when she remembered. But it never bothered me because I felt so fulfilled having my dad in my life. I always thought I could talk to him about anything, that he knew everything about me. So, when I started seeing Spade and he told me we needed to keep the relationship a secret from my dad—I was torn. I didn’t know how to keep secrets from him. I didn’t think we had any.
But now as I walked around the house, looking through his things in his room and his study; I couldn’t help but wonder if he did have secrets. If I had misjudged him completely all these years.
For instance, why had I never bothered to question where all the money came from? I knew the MC that dad was a part of ran a garage. I was aware that he was in some kind of a high-up position in the organization because of the way everyone in that group treated him and spoke about him…but the more I thought about it over the years, the more I wondered how dad could afford this house, how he could buy me all those nice things just based off the income from a regular little garage.
In no way was that place a super successful business. I was sure of that much.
It made sense to me now. Dad and the MC had to be involved in some kind of business that was either illegal o
r dangerous; which was why I was never told about it.
Was that what the accident was about? Why Ace was refusing to give me the details surrounding my father’s death? I wanted to know. I needed to find out how he died, but it didn’t seem like I was going to get those answers from the guys at the MC.
The only source of information I had was the house and my dad’s belongings.
I found an old cardboard box in the storage room and I started going around the house collecting things to put into the box. Firstly, I took some of the photographs off the walls. Old happy ones of dad and me. This was how I wanted to remember him and when I left this place, I hadn’t taken any of them with me. Now I would have a few as keepsakes.
Then in the living room I found an old lopsided clay pot I’d made for him for Father’s Day when I was twelve! I couldn’t believe he still had it. I lifted it up in my hands, smiling as I remembered the day I gave it to him. Dad’s eyes were glowing with pride like I’d bought him something spectacular.
The more I found these pieces around the house, the more I remembered the relationship we shared before all this ugliness happened. Before suddenly, dad turned on me.
All these years, while I believed I was rotting away in Texas; I couldn’t help but begrudge my father for what he had done to me and for pushing me away from the only life I had known and loved since birth. But now, the more I thought about my father; I wondered if maybe he had an ulterior reason for doing this. Was he trying to protect me from something? Was he really trying to protect me from Spade? From his business?
I wanted to put the pieces together but I didn’t even know where to begin.
When I entered his bedroom, my senses reeled with his presence again. This room was his sanctuary, his personal private space that I wasn’t allowed to enter. I never thought much of it when I was a kid since he was the adult in the household and it was reasonable that he made the rules.
