by Kasey Krane
At the garage, I found Rook working on an old car by himself.
“I hoped you’d drop in here at some point,” he said, pulling himself out from under the car when he heard me parking my bike nearby.
I thought I could be alone for some time, but I was glad to see Rook too. Things had been so fucked up the last few days, in the chaos of Buck dying—we hadn’t really had a chance to talk. And there had been a major development in Rook’s life too. He now had a family. He had an old lady—who happened to be my sister, and he had a kid who was my nephew.
I jumped off my bike and walked towards him. Rook wasn’t grinning and neither was I.
“Everyone’s pretty messed up right now, you doing okay, man?” he asked, wiping the grease from his hands on an old rag.
I walked past him to the small cooler at the back of the garage.
“Yeah man, I’m fine. I think. Buck being gone is just fucking with everyone’s head. Everyone needs time to calm down but the problem is we don’t have any.”
I’d plucked two cans of beer from the cooler and now I threw one of them to him. Rook caught it and popped it open.
“Yeah, let’s hope everyone gets their shit together before Mr. Money strikes again,” he said while I poured the beer down my throat thirstily. He was walking up closer to me and when I lowered my can I could see now that he had something to say. Rook was watching me intently.
“Did you go to see her?” he asked me. I squared my shoulders and crushed the can with my hand. Some of the remaining beer spurted out. The last thing I wanted was to be talking about River.
“Yeah, I did. Doesn’t matter. Is Tenley okay?”
Rook wasn’t about to get off my back this easily. We’d been best friends for years. I knew he thought I told him everything…yet in the space of the past few weeks; he’d discovered I’d kept my sister a secret from him as well as my past relationship with River.
I couldn’t blame him for feeling a little disappointed in me. Even though he hadn’t expressly said so himself.
“Yeah, she’s fine, so is the kid. I guess they’re all still a little shook up after everything that happened. Tenley is obviously being extra protective of him and she sometimes blames herself for what happened to Buck.”
I shook my head.
“None of this is her fault. Buck did what he wanted to do. It was his decision to save the kid’s life.”
Rook was nodding his head.
I was glad things weren’t as awkward between us anymore. I was pretty pissed when I first found out that he’d been sleeping with my sister behind my back. But now I could see how good he was for her. I’d seen first-hand how happy he made her too. They were already a happy family, and I wasn’t going to allow my pride or ego to come in the middle of that.
“Did I ever apologize for kicking the shit out of you?” I asked, grinning a little now. Rook smirked and shook his head.
“You didn’t kick the shit out of me. It was just a light slap,” he replied and we both laughed. I nodded my head as our laughter began to die.
“I shouldn’t have punched you. It’s Tenley’s life and she clearly made the right decision by choosing you,” I said.
“Don’t sweat it, man. It’s over now. We’re cool.”
“As long as Tenley is happy and taken care of.”
Rook nodded.
“I’m going to make sure of that. You know you can count on me.”
We shook hands.
“Give me something to work on,” I grunted, walking towards the old abandoned cars and bikes to the side. None of them were salvageable but I wanted to work with my hands so I could distract myself for some time.
Rook gave me a look like he wanted to talk about River again, but then thankfully, he changed his mind and didn’t say anything at all.
Chapter Nine
River
As if doing what he did to me all those years ago wasn’t bad enough, now he actually had the audacity to come here and try and talk to me again! I couldn’t believe the balls on that guy. What made Spade think for a minute that I would still want to talk to him? That there was anything left for him to say?
After Spade left the house, and I’d made sure that I heard his bike leave the driveway—I poured myself some more wine and gulped it down in a hurry. It went straight to my head. I could feel it weakening me, making me a little dizzy. I thought it was going to make me feel good and help me in handling this hold he had on me. Instead, it forced me to think about him more.
I was angry and sad. Upset and enraged. I had no control over my feelings anymore and I knew all of this was my fault. I wanted to throw things, break things, destroy everything around the house. I didn’t want to look at anything that would remind me of my dad or even of Spade.
I charged around the rooms, picking things off the shelves and off the walls. Now I didn’t care anymore what broke or fell from my hands. I wasn’t even collecting them in one place anymore. I was just throwing them around, not bothering with where the stuff fell. I just wanted to keep moving, keep doing something.
Seeing Spade again, being this close to him—had triggered something manic in me. Up until now, till he decided to present himself in my house; I thought I had everything under control. I thought I could manage all this, even if I was forced to see him again.
I just didn’t expect for him to have this kind of a reaction on me. Like I felt my throat was closing up. Like I could go crazy if he didn’t touch me again.
I was so ashamed of the way I’d felt about him when he was in the house, standing so close to me. I could breathe in his scent, feel his presence around me. I could feel him and sense him and all I wanted was to have his body closer to mine. To feel his arms around me.
And I couldn’t help but feel this way, despite being mad at him and wanting him gone. I couldn’t look at Spade without being filled with conflicting emotions. He turned me on, just with one glance, just by his presence—he didn’t even have to touch me for me to want him. That was how my body reacted, and at the same time my mind wanted him gone.
I was logically fully aware of how harmful and unhealthy having him around was. It made me sick; being filled with these polar opposite feelings towards him. I hated him for even coming to see me. For putting me in this position where I couldn’t decide which part of me was going to win.
I was glad he was gone.
I was sure that if he didn’t leave when he did, I would either fall down in a puddle of rage or just throw myself at him and rip his clothes off.
I had no sense of how I was behaving, where I was, what I was doing.
“Honey, you should put that book down. You’ve literally shredded it!”
I looked up and blinked, the haze was starting to clear. I saw Marley standing at the end of the hallway. She had a bag of some shopping in her hand and her brows were crinkled. I looked down at my hands now and discovered what she was talking about.
I was holding a book; I couldn’t even remember where I got it from. I’d been ripping it. Evidence of which was on the floor at my feet.
“Did that book do something to you?” Marley continued. There was a tone of humor in her voice. She had no clue what was going on.
I tried to force a smirk and threw the book down.
“No,” I said and a small laugh escaped my lips. But that laugh didn’t last long; very quickly it turned into a shrill cry and then before I knew it; I was literally sobbing.
Something I rarely allowed myself to do in front of someone else.
Marley had dropped everything and she came running to me. Her arms were around me for support and she was tenderly stroking my hair.
“Hey, it’s going to be alright. Just let it out. Let it go. Nobody blames you for taking this hard. This is normal.”
She continued to murmur encouraging words like these in my ear and I kept myself glued to her.
Then eventually, I forced myself to look up at her and I licked my lips nervously.
“
This isn’t about dad,” I sniffed and slowly started to pull myself away. Marley looked even more confused now but she was giving me a chance to explain.
“Spade…he…he came to see me. Here., I let him into the house. He forced himself in. I didn’t want to talk to him…”
I could barely finish the sentence and I was crying again. I covered my face with my hands, sobbing, and I felt Marley’s warm hands on my shoulders. Slowly, she was leading me out of the hallway and into the living room now.
“Sit down here, hun, c’mon,” she insisted and we sat down on the couch together. Then slowly, she started to pry my hands away from my eyes.
“Tell me what happened. Tell me what’s going on between the two of you, River. Maybe I can help.”
I stared at her, my cheeks stained with tears and I blinked. Maybe she was right, maybe I did need her help.
“I didn’t want to see him, I didn’t want to talk to him; but he insisted on coming in.”
Marley nodded her head.
“Didn’t you say you told him to stay away at the funeral too?”
I stared down at my lap. Now I remembered what Marley had said before she went out to get the bags. She said I needed to give Spade a chance. I pressed my eyes close and shook my head.
“I know what you’re about to say,” I cut her off before she could add anything. Marley was speaking in a gentle and quiet voice.
“What do you think I’m going to say, hun?”
“For some reason, you are on Spade’s side.”
Marley took in a deep breath and shook her head.
“The only side I am on, is yours,” she said.
I gulped and looked away. I wanted to push her away too. I was fighting the urge to do so. I didn’t want to hear any alternative opinion about Spade. I just needed him to go from my life. I knew I would be much happier then.
“It sure doesn’t seem like it,” I snapped and sank back in the couch.
Marley reached out and placed a hand on my knee.
“I can only guess how you are feeling right now, River,” she began and I wanted to snap at her again but I had to bite back the words. I had to remind myself that she was a friend and she was only trying to genuinely help me.
“And I can bet that the last thing you want to hear is to give Spade a chance. So, I’m not going to tell you that…not in those exact words. Why don’t you start by telling me what he wanted? Why was he here?”
I had my hands clasped together. I was playing with my fingers, twisting them around nervously. I couldn’t keep my feet still. All I wanted was to simply make this all end. I could achieve all that by leaving Vegas, couldn’t I? Then what about that closure I was desperately in need of?
I opened my mouth to speak and was surprised to find that I could actually make words.
“He keeps insisting that he has some kind of an explanation for everything that happened.” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at that. It was such a blatant lie!
Marley crossed her brows and drew in a deep breath.
“And you refuse to believe there is an explanation for it?”
I blinked hard as I stared at her, trying my best not to scream or sob again. Marley was trying to help, she deserved my respect.
“He had a chance to explain seven years ago. Heck, he’s had a chance for seven years to explain himself. He never once called or wrote or went to see me in Texas. The simple truth in all this, Marley, is that he just didn’t care. I can’t see what could have changed now.”
She sighed and then nodded, giving me hope that maybe she understood.
“But if he really didn’t care, River, or if he didn’t have a plausible explanation to offer to you—why is he trying so hard to get you to hear him out? Wouldn’t he just let it go? If he didn’t care about you, and still doesn’t—why should he care what you’re going through? Why would he even care to offer you an explanation?”
I stared at her, feeling at a complete loss. I didn’t know what to say to her because I didn’t have an answer. I just didn’t want to admit that she was right, that there could be some truth in that statement.
I threw my head back over the couch and stared up at the ceiling. I was sitting with my arms clutched around my belly like I was going to get sick any time.
“River, I know you don’t want to hear this and it’s probably just easy for you to keep hating him and blaming him for everything; but there is a chance isn’t there that maybe he does have something of value to say?”
I gulped but I said nothing. I couldn’t even nod.
Marley stretched herself beside me on the couch. She wasn’t forcing me to look at her but I could sense her eyes were intently on me.
“I just want to remind you here, hun, that I am totally on your side. I will support you no matter what you decide, but I’ve always felt there was something wrong about the way things went down seven years ago.”
I snapped my head around to look at her again.
“Yes, I know. There was nothing right about it. My dad turned out to be a tyrant and my boyfriend betrayed me.”
Marley searched my eyes. She was managing to remain calm through all of this.
“I knew your dad too. I saw how close you were to him. He was a great father to you, River…what he did was just so unlike him. It was unbelievable. I’ve always felt like there had to be a reason why he acted the way he did.”
We sat together on the couch in silence for a while. I was considering floating my theory with her. That my dad had been keeping something from me. I knew I could trust Marley.
“He may have been a good dad but there were things I didn’t know about him,” I said. Marley didn’t seem too surprised by what I said. “Like for instance, I’m pretty sure him and his MC were involved in some other kind of business that wasn’t just the garage,” I added.
Marley nodded lightly and then looked at me.
“He was in a motorcycle club. I mean I don’t know much about that world, but doesn’t everyone just expect them to be these tough no-nonsense men who keep finding themselves in trouble?”
I had nothing to say to that. I was ashamed that the thought had never occurred to me as a kid, all these years…
“What do you think he was hiding from you, hun?” Marley continued and all I could do was shrug. The truth was that I didn’t know.
“Maybe Spade can enlighten you. In fact, he for sure can enlighten you. He’s still associated with the MC, right?”
I sat up straight on the couch again.
“Those guys are definitely hiding something from me. At the funeral, the other guys refused to tell me how dad died. They keep repeating it was an accident. I bet Spade will do the same if I ask him. He wouldn’t want to tell me the truth.”
Marley patted my knee and now she had a gentle smile on her face.
“But how would you know what he’s willing to tell you unless you ask him?”
I stared at her, feeling lost again. She couldn’t get me to admit it. To actually say the words. No matter how hard she tried.
“He was in the MC when you met him, right?” she continued and I nodded.
“Well, he was just a kid and what position do you think your dad held?”
I tried to think.
“Sometimes I overheard the guys refer to him as the President of the club. I never thought much about it. I figured it was just some kind of inside joke. I had no idea what kind of a role the President might have to play in an organization like that.”
Marley nodded.
“And what position do you think Spade held?”
“I don’t know…nothing important I’m sure. At least not back then.”
“So, isn’t it likely that Spade was on a much much lower rank than your dad? Maybe there’s some code of conduct amongst them, like in the military. Maybe he had no choice but to follow your dad’s command.”
I chewed on my lip, trying to keep my beating heart to be still for a little while. It felt like it would race out of my
chest any moment now.
“I don’t know, Marley…I have no idea. Nobody told me anything.”
“I think it’s highly likely,” she continued, forcing me to look in her direction. When I met her eyes, I saw that she was a little excited.
“Maybe it is,” I replied and finally she smiled.
“Yes, it is. It is likely that Spade was just following your father’s orders. And maybe there was some reason your dad wanted you to leave Vegas, which had nothing to do with keeping you away from Spade. Maybe there was something more involved in all this.”
I cupped my hands together and tried not to shake my legs with nervousness. I knew Marley was making sense but I didn’t want her to. I wanted to keep blaming this all on Spade. It was just easier that way.
Chapter Ten
Spade
Rook and I spent some time at the garage together, working on those discarded bikes and cars till there was nothing left to do. We both had things on our minds.
Even though I knew Rook was going to do everything he could to keep my sister and nephew safe; this was a huge change. For as long as I knew him; he had never been in a committed relationship and now he had a family. It was going to take him some time to get accustomed to these changes.
We both tried to distract ourselves as we worked. Neither of us raised the topic of women for a while, which was some relief. I could sense that Rook was curious to find out more about River but he didn’t ask. He knew it was a sensitive topic and he was probably going to let me discuss it at a time when it suited me.
From the garage we walked over to the Club. The Casino was going to be open in a few hours and I wanted to go in and check out the operations for the night.
We had the same number of men and women working the casino grounds. The facilities seemed to be in order even though there was something off in the air. It was undeniable that Buck, our President, was dead and we didn’t have a replacement for him. Things were going to be different around here.
