by Kasey Krane
“Anyway, it’s not like you’ve been ferociously dating either!” I remarked.
“I’ve been too busy trying to get this business up and running. It’s difficult doing it all on my own, you know?”
“You have to take me to the bookshop. I would love to see it. It sounds so cute and cozy!” I said.
Marley was watching me intently as I spoke and tried to smile. I had a feeling I knew what she was going to say next.
“Did you see him since you’ve been back? Spade?”
I focused on the wine for a bit, taking my time to answer the question. Even hearing his name spoken aloud gave me goosebumps because it reminded me of those dangerous blue eyes peering at me. I remembered how difficult it was for me to say no to him.
I nodded.
“I saw him at the Church earlier. I tried to stay away from him. He came up to talk to me…said he needed to talk to me but I walked away.”
Marley inched closer and threw one supportive arm around my shoulder. She was the only person whom I’d spoken to about Spade in all these years, about everything that happened with dad and him too. She practically knew everything there was to know about us.
“You’re right. He doesn’t deserve even a moment of your time. You did the right thing by walking away, hun.”
I smiled weakly at her and Marley sighed. She was looking around silently, sipping her wine and even though she had been supportive about my reaction towards Spade; I could sense she had something more that she wanted to tell me.
“Although…” she began by saying and then looked at me, tipping her head to one side. “It has been seven years.”
I furrowed my brows confusedly at her. What was that supposed to mean?
“Maybe it’s time that you give him a chance to explain himself?” she suggested.
I put down my nearly empty glass of wine. I couldn’t believe Marley, my best friend, was actually suggesting this.
“Are you serious? After everything that happened and how he behaved?”
She must have been able to hear the anger in my voice and she licked her lips nervously.
“I know you don’t want to hear this, hun, but you hadn’t seen your dad in like seven years. You’ve always said you never understood why the two of them just suddenly turned on you out of the blue.”
I was glaring at her. My lips were quivering. I couldn’t think of anything appropriate to say. What Marley was saying made some sense even though I didn’t want to actually admit it.
“Maybe, just maybe, it might be beneficial to you to give Spade a chance to explain himself, he might even have some answers regarding your father’s behavior?”
I cleared my throat and looked away from her. I didn’t want to admit that’s what I was thinking about all day—to get answers regarding my dad.
Marley was looking at me sympathetically.
“I’m sorry hun, if it’s a bad day to talk about all this. It’s just that I’ve seen you suffering for seven years, carrying around this pent up anger in yourself. I just want you to get some closure and find some answers.”
I kept my face firmly turned away from her. My lips were still quivering. I was staring out of the kitchen window at the backyard. I didn’t want to recall that fateful evening when everything changed.
When Marley realized she wasn’t going to get a response from me, I heard her sigh.
“Okay, I think I should give you some space. We definitely need some trash bags if you want to carry all that stuff back with you. That one cardboard box isn’t going to help,” she said. She was looking at the box near the kitchen door, it was spilling stuff on the floor now.
“I’ll go get us a few trash bags from the store,” she suggested.
“You don’t have to!” I said, finally finding my voice and she smiled at me affectionately.
“Take some time alone to process what I just said. I don’t want you to think badly of me,” she added and then still smiling she started to leave. I didn’t stop her from going because she was right, I definitely needed some time alone.
I heard the front door open and close so I sat down at the kitchen table, pouring myself some more wine into the glass. I wanted to be mad at Marley, but I couldn’t help but acknowledge the fact that maybe she had a point. Maybe Spade was the only one who could help me find the closure I needed. But how was I supposed to just forgive him for everything and start a dialogue? When all I wanted to do was scream and cry every time I saw him.
I covered my face with my hands. I could feel a throbbing headache coming on. I was too confused, feeling torn. I wasn’t prepared to make decisions like these. I didn’t know if I could handle seeing Spade again.
I heard the doorbell ring again. I looked up, blinking in a daze. How long had it been? How long was I sitting here with my face in my hands? I had completely lost track of time. How long had Marley been gone for?
I got up and walked to the front door, preparing myself to apologize to her for my bad behavior earlier. I was going to tell her I knew she was only trying to help, but it was too soon. I couldn’t handle the thought of making nice with Spade yet.
With those thoughts in mind, I opened the door and felt my heart sink to the pit of my stomach. Instead of Marley, it was Spade standing there, staring at me with those eyes.
My instinctive reaction was to shut the door on his face without thinking a second thought, but he’d jammed his foot in the way and the door didn’t close.
“River, we need to talk,” he growled and before I could stop him, he strode into the house. I heard the squeak of the door swinging shut behind him. I was appalled. I could feel anger coursing through my veins. How dare he? This was my father’s house. My family home! What gave him the right to come in here by force?
“What do you want?” I hissed and Spade turned to me again. I saw his wide masculine shoulders heaving. His leather jacket was stuck to him like second skin. I’d forgotten how much taller he was than me. Seven years hadn’t changed that fact either.
He was searching my eyes.
“I just want to talk to you, River.”
I crossed my arms over my breasts and he was following my every movement with his eyes intently.
“You had your chance to talk to me seven years ago. What more could you possibly have to say to me now?”
I had my eyes narrowed, my chin held up. I wasn’t going to allow him to intimidate me. I had every intention of standing up to him. Spade sighed, his shoulders squared. He looked like an adult disappointed and frustrated with a naughty child.
“There is so much about everything that you don’t know,” he replied.
Chapter Eight
Spade
River didn’t seem like she was about to buy anything I said to her. She just rolled her eyes and walked away from me. At least, she wasn’t still trying to push me out of the house. I considered that as some progress at the very least.
I followed her into the living room where I saw things missing. I realized she was getting ready to take things away with her from the house.
“How long are you back for?” I asked, trying to break the ice. She had walked up straight to a cabinet in the far corner, she tried to make herself busy by looking through some of the books and other stuff displayed there.
“Are you seriously asking me that question, Spade? You think I’m going to waste my breath by telling you anything?”
She glanced at me over her shoulder and I realized this was going to be harder than I thought. I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans and stood there staring at her. Admiring her back as she moved gracefully around the room, she was taking care not to face me directly.
It was like she would go to any lengths necessary to avoid eye contact with me. Which was probably for the best. I didn’t know how I would react if we looked at each other for a sustained period of time. I had spent the past seven years fantasizing about this girl…who was now a woman. I built castles in the air about building a life with her; all
the time knowing it was just a fantasy. It could never come true.
And now she was standing right in front of me.
“I want to explain myself to you, River, but you have to give me a chance to do it,” I said.
I watched her shaking her head disappointedly. Like she wasn’t going to believe a word I said. I knew why. She didn’t consider me to be truthful. Neither did she consider me to be on her side. She equated me with someone who was not even her friend. Let alone someone who wanted the best for her. How was I supposed to explain to her that everything I had done before this and what I was doing now, was because I had always been in love with her?
“I’m going to tell you this once again, Spade, and I really do hope you understand because it seems to be escaping you.” River’s voice was a low hiss. I could hear the anger she was feeling. Slowly, she turned to look at me again, but this time her eyes were sparkling with what could have been tears. She blinked them away quickly. “There is nothing you can tell me now that will make a difference to what I think of you, to what I know you did to me. It’s been seven years, I was the one who had to live the last seven years away from home, out there in Texas with someone who didn’t give two hoots about me. So, don’t come over here, thinking you can offer me some kind of a half-assed explanation seven years later and all will be forgiven!”
River looked beautiful when she was mad. Her strawberry blond curls surrounded her face as she stood in the light, blocking the sunlight that was coming in from the window. She had a strangely ethereal quality. I wasn’t the kind of man who went to churches often, but she was beautiful enough to belong on a Church mural somewhere.
River’s shoulders heaved as she stood there, fuming at me.
She had every reason and every authority to be mad at me, especially because she didn’t know the truth, not the whole truth anyway.
I ran a hand through my hair while she watched me.
“I am truly sorry about what happened, River, and the way that it happened and I’m sorry about Buck too. This can’t be easy for you; even though things were strained between you two.”
Her eyes seemed to soften, but only for a moment. She wasn’t going to allow herself to appear weak for longer than a moment. She was the same old River. The fiery girl I had fallen so hard in love with all those years ago. We might have been teenagers back then, it might even have felt like puppy love; but what I felt was real too. And maybe it was for her as well. At least at the time.
I had no doubts in my mind that she had moved on since then. I wouldn’t be surprised if she told me she was married and settled down with a man who made her happy. Any guy would be lucky to have her. But I didn’t see a ring on her finger, and I had looked.
River jerked around from me and started going through the things in the cupboard again.
“I meant nothing to anybody in this place. That was something I learned the hard way and learned to live with eventually.”
I couldn’t help but take a step towards her.
“What is that supposed to mean? Are you talking about your dad?”
She put down an old dusty vase with a bang and turned to me again, crossing her arms over her ample breasts. I gazed down at them for a second, not allowing myself more time than that. Clearly, she did not want to be ogled at today.
“My dad sent me away, intentionally, to live with her! My mother! Then he didn’t believe me when I told him she was a drunk and a horrible parent.” She was shaking her head, trying not to let me see how upset she really was. “He didn’t care. All he wanted was for me to be away from here, out of his way so he could live his life the way he wanted to. Shame on him.”
“There are a few things that you’ve got wrong, River, which is why I think it’s important that you let me just explain…”
She cut me off. Before I knew what she was going to do she strode right past me in a huff. I sighed and then I followed her as she made her way to the kitchen.
The more time I spent around her in this house, the more memories came back. Of the two of us together and alone while Buck was away. Making out and watching TV together or snuggling up in her bedroom…
I hadn’t dared to come back to this house since that day. I didn’t want to face this place on my own.
When we got to the kitchen I noticed the open half-empty bottle of wine on the counter. Was she suffering that much? That she needed to have a drink by herself in the middle of the day?
She was looking through the cabinets in the kitchen now. Opening one door after another with a bang and peering in. I had a feeling she didn’t know what she was looking for either.
“River, can you please just calm down for a second? I’m trying to help you here,” I tried, following her around the kitchen but she wouldn’t catch a break.
“Stop. Shut up with the pity party, Spade! I’m not buying it! You can’t come here and claim you’re trying to make me feel better. Now. After all these years! When you made it so obvious you didn’t care about me back then!”
She couldn’t have been farther from the truth and I hoped she could see the frustration on my face. I shook my head.
“You’re wrong, River…” She cut me off again.
“Tell me how I am wrong. What exactly did you do to make me feel like you cared even an ounce for me? I was such an idiot!” She growled like a wild animal, throwing her hands up in the air in frustration and rolling her eyes. I could see she was punishing herself.
There was nothing I would have liked more than to pull her into my arms, throw her on my chest and keep her there. Secure and warm and quiet till she calmed down.
“You were not an idiot,” I managed to say and she strode away from me. Walking over to the window in the kitchen that overlooked the backyard. That fateful backyard.
I saw her in profile, looking outside…I couldn’t help but wonder if she was thinking all the things I was thinking about this house too.
“I was an idiot for trusting you, for thinking that you actually cared for me. That our relationship meant something. That my father cared for me…”
I had to clench my fists to stop myself from going to her. I couldn’t bear to see her like this, suffering. I’d hoped that River going to Texas would stop her from suffering forever. That was what Buck wanted to believe too. That River would always be safe away from here, but he hadn’t accounted for her unhappiness.
“We were very young, River, and I know you don’t want to believe this; but your father was doing what he thought was best for you.”
She whipped around to glare at me.
“I should have known. You’re still going to take his side! As for our age…yeah, sure, we were very young. But the least you could have done was been a little upset about what happened, shown some remorse and make me feel like you were going to miss me. Instead you practically packed my bags for me!”
I sighed loudly and shook my head.
“That was not what happened!” My voice grew a little louder. I desperately needed her to give me a chance to explain.
She looked up at me and there was determination in her bright green eyes.
“You should go.”
“Look, River, let’s just sit down and talk, like adults. Not like the kids we used to be. I know I made mistakes.”
River’s face was hardened, she wasn’t going to give me her time.
“Please leave, Spade! I can’t continue arguing with you like this anymore. I just want to move on from all this. I want this to be the last time that I think about any of this.”
She sounded determined, like she wasn’t going to budge. I looked at her with hope one last time. I wasn’t sure if this would be the last time I saw her. I had no idea how long she was even going to be in Vegas. By the looks of the way she was collecting and packing things around the house; it seemed like she was getting ready to leave pretty soon.
I opened my mouth to say something more. To convince her to hear me out but I knew it wasn’t going to work. I shook my head a
nd turned from her.
As I walked to the kitchen door, I realized she wasn’t going to follow me out.
“Seriously River, take care of yourself and I hope at some point in your life, you give me a chance to explain.”
She snapped her head to the side. Her arms were still defensively crossed over her breasts. I left the kitchen, then walked down the hallway and then I was out of the house. My bike was parked in the same place it was parked the last time when Buck found it.
As I got on it, I looked up at the house one last time and then rode away. River was nowhere to be seen. She hadn’t even bothered to come to the window. She was glad I was leaving and it was like the final nail to the coffin.
Even though I still had feelings for her, she’d already made up her mind a long time ago that nothing could ever happen between us again.
***
I could have told her what happened, and that would have forced her to listen.
But it would mean I would have to tell her exactly what Buck never wanted her to know. It would mean revealing the truth about what the MC was involved in. If I confessed to her that Buck wanted her to leave town because he was afraid of putting her life in danger; she would want to know exactly what kind of danger I was talking about.
And I wasn’t sure if I was ready to reveal Buck’s secret yet. Ever. Isn’t this what he wanted? For his precious daughter to be ignorant of his real life forever? Wasn’t that why he sent her away to Texas in the first place?
The only way for me to make River see I had feelings for her was by telling her the truth about her father; and I wasn’t sure if I was willing to do that yet.
So, for now, I had no choice but to ride my bike straight back to the garage and hope I could get my mind off River too. Seeing her again, hearing her voice, watching her speak, studying the way she had grown and matured—it was all too much to handle for me.
I’d already broken my promise to myself and gone to speak to her today. I should have done what I decided to do already—leave her alone for a few days. But I had no idea how long she was going to be here. I wanted to catch her before she was gone. But now I realized that it would probably not matter either way. It wasn’t like I could make any difference by trying to have a conversation with her before she left. Not unless I betrayed Buck’s secret to her.
