Once Upon a Cowboy Christmas--A River Ranch Novel

by Soraya Lane

  “We can’t help who we love,” Mia said. “Or for how long.”

  “Want a sandwich?” Lexi asked through blurry eyes, smiling at Mia.

  “Hell yes,” she replied, moving to stand beside her and taking more bread out. “And after we eat, you’re taking the afternoon off.”

  “I’m fine, honestly, I just needed a minute.”

  Mia shook her head. “No way. You need to take a few hours off, enjoy playing with Harry. I got this.”

  “You’re sure?” Lexi asked.

  “Sam has the kids for the afternoon and I want to spend some time with Dad,” she said. “Not everyone in this family runs away from their emotions.”

  Lexi grinned at Mia. If only Cody was more like his sister, her heart wouldn’t feel like it had been sliced in two. Twice.

  “You’re going to get through this,” Mia said, nudging her with her shoulder.

  “Yeah, I know.” And she would. She’d survived a broken heart before—she’d survived Cody before—and she’d learned how strong she was when her mother was diagnosed. Life had thrown her more than one curveball, and she’d refused to let it ruin her life. But she couldn’t help wondering, hoping, that she’d catch a break. That she’d find happiness and love, and that someone would step into her life and make things a little easier for her. Look after her. Love her.

  She blinked away fresh tears as she sliced a tomato.

  Was that really so much to ask?

  Chapter 19

  Three weeks later

  LEXI held the letter in her hand, the paper heavier than normal and embossed with the Ford Corporation emblem. She wondered if everyone affected had received the same letter, or whether she’d just been singled out, but then she doubted Cody had written it himself despite the fact it bore his name and was signed in black ink at the bottom. She’d been looking for the old letter he claimed to have sent and her mother claimed to have hidden, but still hadn’t found any trace of it. And then this letter had arrived.

  Please be advised that your loved one will be able to continue her care at Bright Lights until the new state-of-the-art facility has been fully completed. Your existing contract will be honored and transferred, and all current Bright Lights residents will have the opportunity to visit the new establishment prior to moving day.

  The proposed development will still take place as publicized, but we will not be proceeding until every resident has been moved, giving sufficient time for the adjustment. The new facility will be within a fifteen-minute drive of the current assisted-living complex, and we trust your loved ones will enjoy the peaceful setting and state-of-the-art facilities.

  * * *

  She’d done it. She’d actually taken on a Ford and won. So why didn’t it feel better? Because she hadn’t won. Cody had left; her heart was shattered again; and even though she’d known what had happened between them was a holiday fling and nothing more, still, it hurt. It didn’t feel like a win at all.

  She folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope as relief coursed through her. Her mom was safe, the only thing she had to worry about was money now, and what she was going to do for a job. Because one thing was certain: she couldn’t stay living at River Ranch and working for the Ford family, no matter how many times Walter asked her to reconsider.

  She finished what was left of her coffee and put her cup in the sink, before heading to the main house. This was something she’d been dreading for weeks, but it had to happen. Other than the letter she’d just received, she hadn’t heard from Cody since he’d left almost three weeks ago—and she had no idea what she was waiting for anyway.

  He was never going to ride in on a white horse and rescue her; hell, he hadn’t come back for her when they’d been joined-at-the-hip inseparable, so he sure as hell wasn’t going to come riding back for her now. Cody’s life was in New York. She needed to keep telling herself that.

  She let herself into the main house and listened. No one was there. Mia had gone back to her own ranch, so there were no little squeals or the pitter-patter of children. Angelina was long gone, Lauren was back at work, and Tanner was no doubt out on the ranch or gone for the day. Which meant it was just Walter.

  Lexi padded down the hall, expecting to knock but finding the door to the library open.

  “Morning, Walter,” she called out before stepping in.

  He was sitting at his desk, but his back was turned, and he was looking out the window. The sun was just starting to break through the clouds, and she wondered if it was the weather he was looking at.

  “Morning,” he said, without turning.

  She busied herself by going over to make his bed, now that he’d decided to move into the library more openly instead of trying to hide it, and plumped the big soft cushions on the leather sofa.

  “Can I make you a cup of coffee?” she asked.

  When she turned, she saw he was standing, and he looked so much older when he was up, his frailty more obvious.

  “You were walking with your shoulders down and a face like your dog had just died,” he said.

  Lexi swallowed. So he hadn’t been watching the weather. “Lucky I don’t have a dog then,” she teased, but Walter was no fool and he wasn’t falling for her joke.

  “Let me have it. What’s wrong?”

  She decided to make him a coffee anyway, and herself another one too, using the fancy coffee machine that had seemed so foreign to her when she’d first tried to use it.

  “You know I’ve loved my time here with you, Walter, but I don’t think I can stay anymore,” she said, not turning around until she had his coffee made. Her hands were shaking as she took it to him, setting it down on his desk.

  “This because of my boy?”

  She forced herself to look up. “I knew when I took this job that I might find it difficult, but I haven’t. I’ve actually loved every minute of it, and I’m so grateful that you allowed us to stay on site, too.”

  “Then stay,” he boomed, taking her by surprise. “Cody won’t be back until Thanksgiving and who knows if I’ll even still be here by then?” He started to cough and she went to stand with him, rubbing his back and helping him lower into the chair.

  “Walter,” she said softly. “I’m not going to leave until I’ve found you a wonderful replacement, but it’s time for me to move on. I’m so sorry.”

  “Is there anything I can do to change your mind?” he asked.

  Lexi blinked away tears and turned, going back to retrieve her coffee. She refused to show emotion at work, and she quickly cleared her throat and smiled when she turned back around.

  “You and your family have been nothing but kind to me, Walter, so no, there’s nothing you can do. It’s just time I moved on.”

  He nodded and sipped his coffee, looking out the window again. She would have sworn she could see tears in his eyes, but he never wiped them and she never said a word.

  “You’ve brightened up this old man’s life, that’s for sure,” he finally said.

  Lexi didn’t reply, she just went and stood beside him, hand on his shoulder, and stared out the window with him. There was so much she could have said, but nothing seemed right, and so she just stood in silence, watching the clouds drift and the wind slowly whisper through the enormous trees flanking the driveway into the property.

  It was the most beautiful property she’d ever stepped foot onto, and it was going to be so sad to leave it all behind. Once, she’d dreamed she might live there with Cody, but that dream had died long ago. She was just a fool who let herself imagine it all over again.

  * * *

  Cody sat in his office and stared out at the city twinkling beneath him. He’d watched as darkness had blanketed every building in his line of sight, replaced by the brightest of lights that illuminated New York. He never tired of the view, never wished to be anywhere else, but tonight all he could think of was the ranch. Of the way it had felt wearing his boots and feeling the grass beneath him; the smell of horse and the way the
bulls had moved around him when he’d walked among them with his brother.

  And a certain someone he’d left behind on it.

  His phone rang and he glanced at the call screen before answering. What the hell was wrong with him, daydreaming about the ranch?

  “Hey, Simon,” he said, stretching out and standing, making his way over to the screen as if by going closer he could convince himself it was where he was supposed to be.

  “I’m here. Are we heading out or am I coming up to you?”

  Cody looked around and decided he needed to get out of the office instead of staying in it another minute. “Heading out. I’ll be down in a sec.”

  He pressed a mahogany timber wall and it opened, displaying suit jackets, shirts, an overcoat, and a selection of scarves. He virtually lived in the place and he kept half his clothes in the office—it beat going home to his empty, modern chrome apartment after the warmth of staying back on the ranch. He yanked off his tie and shrugged into a suit jacket, throwing his overcoat over his shoulder to stave off the cold once they were outside. He made a quick trip into his adjoining bathroom, staring at his face and barely recognizing the dark circles under his eyes and his pale skin. Something had to change, and it had to change fast.

  He flicked off the lights, leaving the lamps going for when he came back to work later. Working through the night was the only thing keeping him sane right now.

  Simon was waiting for him in the lobby, and he held out his hand to shake it, pulling him in close and slapping him on the back at the same time.

  “Good to see you.”

  “You too,” Simon said. “I thought you’d be away somewhere exotic at this time of year instead of suffering through this cold.”

  “Not a chance, you know me,” Cody joked. “Workaholic to the extreme. What’s your excuse?”

  “Patients to see,” Simon replied. “We take turns every year to go away over New Year’s, but someone has to stay behind in case we have any emergencies. This year it was my turn.”

  They started to walk, out into the brisk cold and down the road. They made small talk and headed into a nondescript bar, and Cody waved out to the bartender and directed Simon to a table tucked away from everyone else. He settled into the booth-style seat and planted his hands on the table.

  “So, you about to tell me why we had to meet tonight, and why Sophie wasn’t allowed to come?” Simon asked. “I’m going to get those puppy-dog sad eyes from her tonight when I get home, and you know I have to tell her the truth and blame you.”

  “I need help,” Cody admitted, clearing his throat and knowing how uncomfortable he must look. “Professional help. But if you tell your beautiful wife that, I’ll kill you.”

  Simon laughed, and then his smile died to a frown as Cody watched on.

  “Tell me you’re fucking with me, Cody,” he said. “You know I can’t help you professionally. You’re my friend, so there’s a big conflict here. If you need help you can make an appointment with my partner or—”

  Cody shook his head. “No. I’m not making a goddamn appointment with a stranger. And I don’t care if there’s a conflict. I need help, and you’re one of the most highly regarded shrinks in the city.”

  Simon stared at him like he was speaking an undecipherable language. “Cody, seriously—”

  “Have you ever, ever, in the entire time we’ve known each other, ever heard me ask anyone for help?” he ground out. “Come on, do I have to beg?”

  Simon let out a low groan before slamming his palms to the table. “Fine, but this is just an informal talk, this is not a proper session. And you’re buying the damn drinks.”

  Cody rose and ordered two top-shelf whiskeys. He let out a long, shuddering breath as he thought about what he was about to do. All these years he’d kept it bottled inside, refusing to talk to anyone even when Mia had begged him to see a professional the year after their mom had died. And now here he was, about to spill his guts to one of his friends who had no idea he didn’t have his shit together.

  He sat back down, drinks in hand, and slid one over to Simon.

  “So what is it you want to talk about?” Simon asked.

  Cody gulped down half the whiskey before looking up. “The past,” he said. “All these years I’ve been running away from what I left behind, and I need to know why. I need to know if there’s something wrong with me, if I, hell, I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem right, or even normal, anymore.”

  Simon frowned. “Why do you think you ran away?”

  “Because my mom was dying and I couldn’t handle it,” he said. “I left for college, and I’ve only been back for holidays and her funeral since. Until recently, it’s been like pulling goddamn teeth every time I have to go back there, but this time it’s different.”

  Simon took a sip of his drink. “So you know why, then. What do you want from me?”

  “I want to know if it’s possible I…” Cody knocked back the rest of his drink. Talking about his past, or his feelings, was as pleasurable for him as poking needles into his eyes. “Look, I had a beautiful girlfriend who I loved, but I also had a mom I loved, and she was withering away in front of me, dying before my eyes, and I just fled. I couldn’t handle it; hell, I didn’t want to remember her being that way, and so I just left and never went back.”

  Simon waited. Cody signaled to the bartender for another and leaned forward.

  “I remember we had a great time, my girlfriend and I, but it was just so painful and I think I kind of just blocked out the way I left her. I didn’t forget, I mean it was there somewhere in my head, but I just didn’t let myself think about her or anything about home once I left. I wrote her a letter goodbye before I left, but that was it. All these years and I’ve never thought about her. Hell, I’ve barely thought about my mom either. I go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and if the memories start or it gets too much, I just get on a plane and fly back to work.” He didn’t tell Simon that he could barely look at a photo of his mom without it making him want to bolt in the opposite direction. But it was true. He was a coward when it came to pain, when it came to feeling anything other than the thrill of a deal.

  Simon nodded and sat back, looking more relaxed. “This girlfriend, did you see her recently? I’m guessing your crossed paths when you were home and all these feelings, these old memories, flared up for the first time in a long time. Maybe even years?”

  Cody grunted. “Yeah.”

  “And suddenly everything started coming back?”

  “At first, I didn’t even recognize her, and then it came back like someone had opened the floodgates. I just, I know I left her, I know that because it’s a fact, but the physical act of leaving or how I felt—it’s like I blocked it all out and the memories are patchy at best. But when I think about what we had together, when I think about being with her? I remember all of that and wonder why the hell I blocked it out because it was so damn good.”

  Simon seemed to be considering his words, staring at him hard before finally opening his mouth. “Look, we’d need more sessions to really work through all this, but if it’s an answer you’re wanting, I’d say the memory loss and haziness is likely PTSD. And then going home, seeing this ex-girlfriend again, has triggered some memories. But you’d need more help to work through it all, to remember everything.”

  “I don’t want to remember any more,” Cody said quietly, grinding his teeth together, not wanting to revisit anything painful. “I just needed to know why.”

  “PTSD is the most likely cause,” Simon said. “You were what, eighteen? And your world was falling apart at the same time you had an opportunity to leave home and put it all behind you. Hell, I’d be surprised if you didn’t have a form of PTSD.”

  Cody wasn’t sure whether to feel relieved or pissed, but just to have a name put to it, to make sense of the jumbled memories and guilt he’d started feeling over how he’d treated Lexi, made him feel better. Not to mention how he’d treated his mom, the person in his life
he’d loved more than anyone, when she’d needed him so bad.

  “Thanks, Si,” he said, clearing his throat when he heard how gruff he sounded. “I needed to hear that.”

  “You need to see someone, Cody,” Simon replied. “I’d prefer it wasn’t me, but I just want to know that you’re going to talk about all this. It might be painful, but you need to open up and let it all go.”

  Their next round of drinks arrived and he lifted his to clink to Simon’s. “To getting help.”

  Simon laughed. “Thought I’d never see the day.” He clinked his glass back. “To getting help.”

  They both sat back and Cody relaxed into the chair. This didn’t give him an excuse, but it did help him to understand what he’d done. And maybe, just maybe, it’d help him to make amends.

  “So this is completely off the record, but this girl, what happened when you saw her again?”

  Cody laughed. “I wondered how the hell I’d ever walked away from her, and I honest to God couldn’t remember.”

  “And what about her? What did she have to say about it?”

  “Trust me, that’s an entire story in itself,” Cody said. “In a nutshell, she hated my guts and had never forgiven me for leaving her behind. Something along the lines of me being too good for country girls and too big for my boots.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Yeah, ouch.” Cody sipped his drink. “But it was kinda nice, too. I’m used to everyone telling me what I want to hear, and she didn’t hold back, not for a second.”

  Simon nodded. “So when are you going back?”

  “Going back where?”

  “To Texas, you idiot! To get the girl?”

  Cody stared at Simon, downing the rest of his drink as Simon’s words sunk in. “Now.” He leapt up and pulled out his wallet, dropping a handful of bills on the table and grabbing his coat.

  “Go get her,” Simon called out, but Cody was too far away to call back.

  He fumbled for his phone and made a call. “I need the jet fueled up and ready to go at sunrise. Destination, Texas.”