Noble Farmer

by A W Sheffield

  “What would it take?” I countered, my impatience with my own ignorance was rising.

  “Well now, never had anyone ask that before.” We were at an impasse, I didn’t know what he was worth and I could tell he was having the same issue. “Tell ya what, I got a friend I am meeting up with in Harwick. Good girl, adventurer. Says she needs a hand with the upcoming campaign in a few months. You help me out, I will help you out. Deal?” He spit in his hand and offered it to me.

  I looked from his hand to his elderly grey eyes, “I don’t know shit about campaigning, but if you show me the ropes, then sure, why not?” I gripped his hand and he gave mine a very firm shake.

  “Not much to know, we won’t be fightin’. Camp aides is all. Put up her tent, take it down, fix her supper. Fetch firewood and the like. Nothing you don’t do on a daily basis.” I cocked an eyebrow at him. I didn’t do any of that shit on a daily basis. He gave me a reassuring smile, “we’ll work on it.”

  The next four days were like a fuzzy dream, a dream of training in all things a camp aid needed to know. Basic training for an idiot like myself. That’s how I thought of it, finding the right wood to make a fire, the best moss or flammable organic objects for kindling. Mixed with a rushed cooking tutorial and how to set up and break down a tent in a hurry. By the time we reached the walls of Harwick, I was an ace, and Cletus gave me his thumbs up approval.

  We found an Inn in the middle of town, splitting the rent for our time there. The next morning, we broke off to go about our business and I had to ask more than a few different people where the keep was. This is a game, set in a fantasy land, where the fuck is the towering castle? Highlord Weston Harwick’s manor was no castle, it was an open lawned mansion surrounded by patrolling guards. Their halberds looked as deadly as the looks they gave to citizens who got too close to their lords’ lawn.

  I stopped across the cobbled road to get an idea of what I was up against. The building looked straight out of Beverly Hills, made of a white type of sand stone and screamed money. Here I was, basically a country bumpkin. Covered in mud and my clothes were in no better shape. I knew I couldn’t go before someone of rank looking the mess I was and made the conscience decision to clean up. Maybe some new clothes…

  The city square was my next on my list, and I stopped at a merchant cart that was selling boots. I hated the soft soled shoes I was wearing and was practically drooling over a pair of lace up boots. They were so close to the standard issue boots back in the army, only a rich brown color and looked more comfortable. “I see you have a good eye sir.” The merchant glared at me. “But far out of your range. Begone filth.”

  I wanted to floor the man in the worst way possible, but the curious eyes of the city guards were on me. “How much are they?” He snorted and I took that moment to slip my signet ring on my finger. Making sure he could see it, I added. “I had a long, hard journey. Don’t let my looks fool you.” Not that I knew how much money I had, or how much it would take to get the farm going. But it had been so very long since I had spent anything on myself that I did not need. I wanted these boots, and they would be mine.

  “For you, hedge lord, seven hundred silver. Not a copper less.” The wind fluttered then, spinning the tag I had not noticed before. With a quick inspection, I saw the man was trying to rob me.

  “It says three hundred and fifty.”

  “Oh! You can read numbers can you, what do you know?” He squared up to me and placed his hands on his hips. “Trash like you pays double, for the privilege of wearing the boots my beautiful wife labors over. Seven hundred, just because I have had to smell you. Pay up or move on, before I call the city watch.”

  “Fuck you very much.” I spat at him before turning on my heel. The rest of the square treated me much the same and I had had my fill of Harwick. They were a bunch of snobs, the likes I would love nothing more than to slap around for a while. Traveling away from the city square, I found other vendors, the quality of their wares not nearly as nice. Again, I received much the same treatment until a young girl pulled on my muddied shirt to get my attention.

  She waved a small hand at me and said one word. “Follow.” Red flags shot through my mind, but she repeated herself with more authority and proceeded to drag me toward an alleyway. Before I knew what was happening, a haggard looking woman came out of a broken door and regarded the small girl and then me. “Apologies sire, don’t you mind Kate none.” Her voice was pleading but harsh.

  The small child pointed at me, then my feet, looking back at the woman. The woman gave her a questioning look before turning her full attention to me. “Say, you wouldn’t be in the market for new...oh, of course you are.” She looked me up and down then with an inspecting gaze. “Be you looking for an entire new look?”

  “Ah… maybe not a new look, but clothes and boots, yes.” Not that I knew what the hell I looked like.

  “Have you silver?”

  “I guess. Do you…” I was about to show her my ring before I thought better of it. I really didn’t feel like being robbed at the moment. “Depends on how much. I could always stop by the bank to get some.”

  She beamed at me and then the little girl. “Come on in then, sire. Mildred has everything you require, if not she can make it.” I was half ushered, half dragged by the little girl into their shop. “Folk don’t much like coming down an alley to get to me business. Trust issues if you ask me.” The woman rambled as she led me through her small shop, pointing out the different garments.

  I hated shopping, in RL, I knew what I wanted and got it. There was no browsing, not looking at other things. In and out, and it seemed that train of thought carried over. Finally, I just said, “you're the expert here. Let me tell you what I need. I need clothes that are nice enough to stand before the Lord, but can take a beating. I’m a farmer so they have to be durable. I really don’t care what they look like.”

  The woman gave me a shocked expression. “You don’t care...oh deary. No, no, no, a man must care about his appearance. That is why you came to Mildred. Because you care. I wish never to hear those words from your mouth again.” She kept clicking her tongue as she went through her inventory. “Such a man, does not care. How can Mildred tolerate such a fool as he?” It was then that I noticed the change in her, like she was two different people. It almost sounded like they were having a conversation about me out loud. I was about to bolt when she brought over a handful of clothes of different styles and materials. “Mildred will help the fool, make you presentable for Lord Weston. But first, a bath, yes, you will not foul Mildred’s work with your dirt. Off you go, bring back silver.”

  I was deposited in the alley, more perplexed than before. It took a few minutes to collect myself and take note of a few landmarks to help find the alley again. An hour later I was back at the Inn, bathing and wishing for a shower. Taking a bath was for women, not that I was overly sexist or anything, I just never understood why they like to sit in a tub of hot water like a lobster. Once I finished and managed to get most of the caked-on mud off of my starter clothes, I headed for the bank with the help of a local city watchman.

  It took a few minutes before I was standing in front of a bored looking teller and it dawned on me again, I didn’t know how much any of the clothes would cost. Never before had I ever felt like such an idiot, so useless and lost. It was like my first day at my first post. I didn’t know shit and I hated it. “Can I help you?”

  “Ah, yeah. I need to withdraw some money.”

  “Money?”

  “Silver.” I added quickly. The teller sighed at me and asked for my name. I answered all her questions and finally just showed her my stupid signet ring. Which made things a lot smoother.

  “How much would you like to withdraw, Lord Persik?”

  “How much is in there?” I felt broke, and my appearance was not helping me feel any better either.

  “Just over three hundred thousand silver and a few coppers.” My eyebrows shot upward at h
er words. Henry had said my starting capital was higher than normal players due to the conditions of my lordship. But shit, that had to be a lot of money in RL. Probably enough to make a good start at a new life. Then reality set in, there was no telling how much of it would be spent on the farm. I needed to be frugal and I had more than enough experience on stretching a dollar or pinching a penny. Pay to win my ass.

  “A thousand should suffice. I think.” Now it was her turn to look shocked.

  “That is a lot of silver, milord. There are thieves abundant in Harwick, and I see you have no purse.” I could see a calculating look in her eyes. “If you would excuse me a moment.” She leaned backward and held up her hand, a moment later a man in what looked like a suit came to stand next to her. They had a whispering conversation and she took a step back.

  The man assumed her seat and gave me a plastic, practiced smile. “Lord Persik, I am honored to serve you this day. Thank you for choosing our bank in which to do business with.” I wanted to roll my eyes at his spiel, but I had firm control over myself at the moment. “The teller noticed you are without a purse. Mayhap we can fix this dilemma today, as it were.”

  “Oh?”

  His manner became easy, as he slid into his sales pitch, just like a fucking car salesman. “We offer a variety of purses for sale. Every style and some can even hold the amount of coin you wish to withdraw. May I be so bold as to recommend an enchanted purse? It is known as the “Player Pouch.” I must tell you, it is top of the line. Binds to your soul, only you can open it and it has four slots. It can also hold up to ten thousand silver at a time.”

  I sucked air through my teeth, I was really growing tired of Harwick. “How much?”

  “For the low price of only twenty thousand silver. Trust me Lord Persik, it pays for itself.”

  Had I been drinking something, I was more than sure it would have been coming out of my nose. I was in that much shock. “Tell you what, how about ten and I throw in a little for you, personally.”

  “Oh, I am truly sorry, Lord Persik. Our prices are firm and non-negotiable. I promise you our prices are the lowest in all of Atheria.”

  “So, it is cheaper somewhere else huh.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “I am a little tired of people taking advantage of me just because of how I look.” I noticed that caught him off guard. “I am sure it is a nice piece, but I think I will pass and start using a different bank. I really don’t like extortion. I will have someone come and move my funds over later. Have a good day.”

  “Wait, Lord Persik, there is no need for…”

  “Oh, but there is.” I said as I began to turn away. “Just today I was almost forced to pay double for a pair of boots because they thought me a bumpkin. I am more than sure the same is happening now. As a good friend of mine would say, “can’t say as I like it much,” so you have yourself a good day.”

  He reached across the counter and grabbed my shirt. “I understand your predicament, Lord Persik, but to sell you it at cost would have me fired.”

  I smiled to myself before turning back around, making sure to eye his hand on my shirt. “Then tell how much it is normally sold for, to a lord of note?”

  The manager did not look happy as he confessed, “twelve thousand.”

  “Trying to ring me for another eight, eh? And yet you want me to think my silver is in the best place it could be? Come on, I might have been born at night but it wasn’t last night. Where is your boss, I am sure he would love to hear how you lost a client due to greed over a fucking purse.”

  I had him by the balls, we both knew it. Whether he sold it to me at cost, or I turned him in, his fate was sealed. Especially if I inquired “how many other customers have you lost because of him?” I hated my brother Jared, and this was something he would do, not that I liked emulating him. But it had to be done, I needed to assert myself in this world, and I had enough with being looked down upon. My pants were down and it was time to see whose pecker was bigger.

  “Pardon my intrusion,” her voice was like an angel’s song, with the face and grace to match. Ringlets of brown hair cascaded from the top of her head, passed an open yet deep cleavage. The tight-fitting gown of green did little to hide the toned body underneath. “I could not help but overhear. Amethyst eyes regarded me in a concerned expression. “Is this man truly trying to deceive you?”

  “He is.” I started to turn my own eyes on the bank manager, who looked as pale as a ghost. The shit just got real.

  Chapter Three

  “Lady Mediator…” His voice dripped with fear. “I would never…”

  “And yet you have.” The woman had an air of authority about her, which made my trousers start to stiffen. “You were warned, twice this cycle alone for price gouging. Maybe it is time to have the matter brought before Highlord Harwick. He is nowhere near as lenient as I. Consider yourself formally called to court on this week's end.” She turned to me and flashed me the prettiest smile of pearly teeth. “My apologies, not all in Harwick are bandits, I assure you sir.”

  That one smile was enough to erase the shit stain of a morning from my mind. “I do believe recompense is in order. What say you, manager?” She spoke the words as a question but they sounded like a command. The manager moved quickly away from the window and reappeared a few minutes later carrying a small leather-bound bag. He handed the bag to the teller and disappeared into the back.

  The teller went about collecting the silver and I turned to the woman beside me, “thank you, for your assistance...ah...I don’t know your name.” She was looking me over like a wolf would a sheep.

  “Your sigel, I do not know it. Where are you from lord?” Her voice was much more cordial but had not lost the authority.

  “Ah, I actually don’t know what it’s called. My lands don’t have anything on them.” Her eyes sparkled with interest.

  “Why are you in Harwick, if you do not mind my asking?”

  Why was I so damn nervous, my palms were sweaty and my mind was having trouble focusing anywhere but on her... “To...you see...meet with Highlord Harr..wick.” Why did she have to tilt her head ever so slightly to give me an even better view of her chest. I swear to the goddess if she bites her lip I am going to nut. “To present myself.” It felt like a victory to me, just getting the words out under such pressure and my breath exhaled from my lungs in a long and steady expanse.

  “Wonderful,” her smile reappeared. “I am heading to the lord’s manors next. It would be my pleasure to announce you before the court. May I be so bold as to guess at who you are?” I blinked at her. “We have had word that a new lesser Lord has appeared to the south, a half man, half elf, by the name of Jaeger Persik.”

  “You would be correct.” I answered her with the best of my military bearing. HALF ELF, WTF! I made sure not to reach up and touch my ears in front of her. “However, I need to purchase new...attire.”

  “You are perfectly fine as you are, trust me. New Lordlings are always a little wet behind the ears and more than a little dirty.” She leaned forward slightly and sniffed at the air. “Alas, you smell of soap, you will do nicely.”

  “Nicely?”

  She winked at me before going back to her own business and the teller arrived a moment later. “Will there be anything else?” When I said no, she slid the pouch over to me and my vision prompted when my hand touched the thing.

  *** Players Pouch***

  4 SLOT

  Bound to your soul. Note, only you may place or remove objects of size or coinage from the pouch. Once bound to your person, no NPC or Player, will even know of its existence. Items stored within the pouch will survive through resurrection. Note, five percent of coinage will be lost upon your death to be looted.

  USE - To use the Players Pouch, you need only think of the pouch and it will appear. To remove items or coinage, think of said items or amount and they will appear in your hand.

  Do you wish to bind this item to your soul? YES/NO

 
Of course, I focused on the yes and the bag disappeared before my eyes. When I thought of it, I could feel a slight weight over my right kidney and reached back. There is was, just like magic. This place was awesome!

  I did not have to wait long for her to finish her own business and she took hold of my arm like we were friends. Though I was not the one doing the escorting, she guided me toward the only waiting carriage in the street. The driver offered her his hand and she entered, then he looked at me with an expectant look. I just blinked. “Are you going to get in?”

  “Oh, sorry.” I started dumbly and climbed inside with far less poise. It was nice inside with stuffed cushions and drawn green curtains. I sat on the bench across from her and she flashed me a fast smile.

  When the driver closed the door, she quickly drew back the door curtain and looked at me. “Oh my god, that was intense.” There was a hint of valley girl in her speech that sent my mind reeling. “Fuck that guy, but at least you got something out of it.” I was in such a state of shock that I could hardly breathe. “Hey do you mind?”

  “Do I mind?”

  She leaned forward and did something with the back of her dress that I could not see. A second later the top of her gown opened from navel to neck, and I swear my eyes bulged from their socks when I saw the areola of her nipples. “Calm down stud, it is so damn hard to breathe in these things. Why women in this world ever wear them is beyond me. Pain of fashion I guess.”

  When I made a comment she asked, “Are you a virgin or something, never seen boobs?”

  “No. I mean yes I have, just...not like this.”

  “I don’t date newbs or broke people.” She assumed a more comfortable pose by placing her elbow on the window ledge to hold up her head. “So, newb, how do you like the game so far?”