I smiled widely and took Tegan’s hand in mine. He squeezed just enough for me to notice. Our first outing had been a success.
“I’m hungry,” Dylan said as we got into the car.
I turned to him with my eyebrows drawn. “How can you be hungry? You just had popcorn.”
He shrugged. “I’m hungry.”
“Let’s get something to eat,” Tegan said quietly.
I sighed because I hadn’t planned to turn this into more than he’d bargained for. “OK. Let’s go.”
Since we had Dylan with us, Tegan stopped at Culvers. I didn’t mind because I loved burgers, but so did my little guy. We ordered and sat down. It was the kind of place where they brought your food out to you, but I thought most places did that now anyway.
Dylan spent almost as much time talking about the movie, bowling with his dad, his Legos, or anything else that came to mind, as he did eating. I had to keep reminding him to eat. At some point, I did have to get him home for his dad.
“Aw. Look what we have here.”
I’d come to know Rhian’s voice incredibly well.
“What’re you guys doing here?” I asked her and Porter.
“Uh… getting food.” Porter held up one of his hands, which was clutching a bag.
“Right. Duh.”
“What are you three up to?” Rhian directed her question to me with an eyebrow raised. She knew it was the first time the three of us did something together.
“Your brother asked us to a movie today. And this guy here”—I ruffled Dylan’s hair—“was hungry afterward.”
“You look amazing,” she told me. I had spent the least amount of time ever on my appearance, but I guess less really is more. “That top hugs all the right places.”
“Uh… ” I glanced down then back to her. “Thanks?” Then we both laughed. I’d wanted to look good but hadn’t put much effort in.
“She’ll be a fantastic trophy wife one day,” Tegan said. He and Rhian chuckled. Dylan had no idea what he was talking about.
And my heart fucking stopped.
Trophy wife? Was he joking?
For other women, maybe the mention of marriage in any context from a guy she’d been falling for would’ve made her giddy. But the trophy wife thing was far too reminiscent of the things Ian had said to me. Porter opened his mouth to say something, but I shook my head. It wasn’t worth starting anything over.
Before leaving, Porter squeezed my shoulder. He knew how that comment made me feel. But I focused on my son finishing his dinner. I didn’t eat another bite while Tegan tried to make conversation. I responded, of course, but as briefly as possible.
Then we went back home.
Dylan shot into the apartment as soon as I got the door unlocked.
“If you unlock your car, I’ll get his seat back in,” Tegan told me.
I gave him the warmest smile I could with the uneasiness still rumbling through me from his comment earlier, then said, “Thanks.” I hit my fob to unlock the doors.
Tegan leaned in. He was going to kiss me, but I didn’t want to kiss him right then, so I turned my head before he made contact.
He pulled back. “What’s wrong?”
“I have to get Dylan in the tub before Zac gets here to pick him up,” I lied. Dylan didn’t need a bath, but I also didn’t want to tell him anything I was feeling until I got my thoughts organized. Plus, I didn’t want to cry over something like a comment in front of him.
Instead, Tegan pulled back quickly, almost as if I’d slapped him.
“Bye,” I said, sliding into my apartment.
While I’d intended for that to be the end, I moved the curtain over just enough to see him out there. His brows were slammed down as he stood there another ten seconds before shaking his head and walking away.
I’d deal with it, but I needed a little distance right now. How much of this was my paranoia over what had happened with Ian and how much of it was my Spidey sense telling me it was time to end things?
I didn’t know yet and until I did, talking to Tegan would only mess things up. No sense causing problems with him until I knew my problem was with him.
Chapter Sixteen
I spent that night thinking about how confused Tegan looked when he’d left my apartment. While I hated that he’d felt that way, I needed to think things through before I talked to him. Get my head straight before I had the possibility of explaining it to him. I just didn’t trust myself after Ian. I’d missed so many signs with that guy that by the time I noticed, I was in far deeper than I should’ve been. I didn’t want to make the same mistake with Tegan.
Which was the exact reason I didn’t answer when he called the next morning. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. He left voicemails almost every time but I still hadn’t figured things out for myself yet. I’d been going over everything I could remember from each interaction Tegan and I had since we met to attempt to parse out any signs of him being a controlling asshole.
He’d been calling but it wasn’t until I hadn’t answered that he sent a text. Talk to me, it said.
I wasn’t done figuring myself out yet so I tapped out my response. I’m going to be busy the next couple of days.
Figured that should buy me some time.
Then, four days after our outing, he left a message that helped convince me that maybe the problem wasn’t me.
“Maddie, it’s Tegan. I don’t know what the fuck happened on Saturday and I’d like to talk to you about it, but I’m not going to try to convince you to do it. This is my last voicemail. It’s up to you to call me.”
I’d already been spiral in a multi-day freakout. This didn’t help.
Was he demanding I talk to him on his schedule? Something else Ian used to do. Why did I always attract these guys? With Tegan, I’d been careful. Went slowly. Did everything I could to ensure I didn’t fall into another trap. Yet here I was left feeling as if I’d fucked up again.
It killed me not to call him back right away but I couldn’t. Not when I still had to figure myself out. Maybe I shouldn’t have started dating yet. I didn’t know. I was a mess on the inside.
I said nothing to Dylan because I was sure he’d still see Tegan at his Dad’s house. They were neighbors and Rhian was his sister. There was no way around it. If I didn’t get this worked out, I’d see him too unless I stopped hanging around the group. But they’d been my group first.
Well, Dylan has always been my top priority and I was going to, once again, put all my energy into him.
That was exactly what I did. He and I read books, played outside, went to the park and the pond—just the two of us. I got him to make cookies with me and when he told me that he needed some time alone I knew that I’d been pushing it a bit far. Spending every moment with Dylan made it possible for me not to obsess over Tegan or how much Ian had fucked up my head.
But in ignoring Tegan’s call, I realized I hadn’t talked to Rhian or Laney either. Except for quick responses in the group chat. Zac and I at least had a lot of contact given that we shared a kid.
I told Dylan to go ahead and take some time. He ran off to his room, probably to play some video games. Just in time too because someone knocked on my door.
My stomach clenched, thinking it was Tegan finally pissed off enough to come over, but when I quietly peeked out the peephole, Laney stood on the other side and I said a little prayer that Rhian wouldn’t be with her.
“What’s up?” I asked when I opened the door. She pushed herself inside and was indeed alone. Dodged that bullet.
“When Dylan talked to Zac earlier he said you were making chocolate chip cookies.”
“We did.” I shut the door.
“I love chocolate chip cookies.” She raised an eyebrow at me, which made me laugh.
“Have a seat. Want some milk?” I called out as I headed to the kitchen.
“I love milk,” she called back.
After piling a plate full of cookies, I poured two glasses of mi
lk and brought them back to the living room. As soon as I set the plate on the coffee table, Laney grabbed the top cookie and took a bite.
“These are delicious,” she said with her mouth full of cookie.
“Thank you. It’s the love I add at the last minute.”
“That must be it.” She took a drink of her milk.
“Why are you here, Laney?” I asked. Not because we didn’t hang out, but we didn’t hang out alone a lot. And she usually called before coming over. It reminded me of the time I’d shown up on her front porch with beer to try to mend our friendship.
“You haven’t been around lately and I thought it was time I find out why.”
“I’ve been busy.”
Laney let her head drop to the side and narrowed her eyes. She didn’t believe me at all. “You expect me to accept that lame-ass excuse, especially when there’s a certain PA who’s been pretty pissy for the last few days?”
“Unrelated.” I said the word so quickly that there was no chance she’d buy it. But I clenched my jaw to keep any emotion at bay. My thoughts had been so scrambled the last few days that I almost couldn’t think straight where he was concerned.
“Maddie.” She said my name with as much exasperation as she could probably muster. “Tell me what’s going on.”
I chewed slowly. She was the person I should want to talk to about this, but again, Rhian was her best friend now and Tegan was Rhian’s brother. Finally, I decided that I needed my best friend too. “If we talk about this, I need you to swear your silence.”
Laney sat straight up, placed one hand on her heart and the other moved as if she was zipping her lips shut. We came up with that in middle school. “Done.”
“Seriously, Laney. I mean you can’t even talk to Zac about this. I don’t want it passed around.”
Her eyes softened as she looked at me and she cocked her head to the side. “Maddie, I promise. No one hears a word of this. Not Zac. Not Rhian. Not Porter. What did Tegan do?”
My instinct wanted me to defend him and say he hadn’t done anything. Just like I’d always done for Ian. I’d made excuses when he first started being controlling. Or when he’d make comments and I told myself he didn’t mean it.
The question remained… Was this the same situation with Tegan or was my brain too scrambled to recognize a decent guy?
“You know I finally gave in and let him do something with just Dylan and me, right?”
“Yeah. Last Saturday. Dylan couldn’t stop talking about how much fun he had that day.” She swiped another cookie off the plate. “Did you not have fun?”
“I did.” Setting my glass back on the table, I decided no more cookies. I’d already eaten too many. It had been almost a week since I’d spoken to Tegan. My sisters had asked about him but I played it off as if everything was fine. When they said I looked tired, I played that off, too. “At first. The movie was great. He took Dylan to the men’s bathroom when the women’s line was too long. It was all great.”
“And then?”
“Then we saw Rhian and Porter at Culver’s.”
“And…?” She drew the word out.
“And he made what was probably a joke.”
“What kind of joke?” She wasn’t going to let me get away with leaving out any details.
“Rhian commented on how great I looked, which was ridiculous because I’d had almost no time to get ready.”
Her hand slapped my shoulder. “Stop that. You look fantastic right now and you’ve primped zero.”
“You’re crazy.”
“Am not. You’re totally fuckable right now,” she said. My eyebrows raised in surprise. “But you’re not my type. Continue.”
“We saw Porter and Rhian; she said I looked amazing.” I smiled because that wasn’t quite what she’d said. “Then Tegan agreed, I think, but what he said was that I’d make a great trophy wife one day.”
“What? That doesn’t sound like him.” She thought about it for a second then added, “Bad luck on his part using that exact phrase though.”
I shrugged. It never sounds like them until it does. “He said it. And that was after putting Dylan between us at the theater like we were a little family or something. I don’t know. It rubbed me the wrong way and with how naturally it fell from his lips… I don’t know. I just think that maybe it’s like with Ian. Seemed perfect but is really an asshole.” I took a breath because I’d been rambling again. “But Dylan is my priority and no one is coming between me and that.”
“Are you sure that’s what he was doing?”
That was the question now, wasn’t it? But I couldn’t chance wasting my time again. “I can only follow my gut,” I told her. “But my gut tells me that I need to get my head right before I address that with him.”
“Then that’s what you do. But have you thought about just telling him that? Or is this just a straight-up break up?”
My eyes widened and my heart raced. “I didn’t break up with him. I just wanted a break.”
“But have you told him that?” she asked again.
“No. I haven’t talked to him but only because I wanted to feel confident that this is on me and not me making excuses for him.” My eyes filled with tears but I blinked them away. In my shame spiral, I hadn’t considered how this would all look to Tegan. “Do you think he meant what he said or did Ian beat me down so badly that I can’t see a good guy in front of me?” Laney’s face went to stone and I retraced my words to figure out what I said to make that happen. “Beat me down metaphorically.”
“Oh, good,” she said with relief. “Zac and Porter really would’ve hunted him down.”
I chuckled because I knew they would have. “He never physically touched me out of anger.”
She nodded and took a deep breath. “Well, I wasn’t there, so I can’t really comment on how he meant it. Rhian would swear he was joking. He’s her brother. But Honestly, I never would’ve pegged Tegan being that way. He seems so normal.”
“Don’t they all?”
“Yeah. Unfortunately, they do.” Laney stood and brushed the crumbs off her lap. “Listen, Zac and I are supposed to go out with Porter and Rhian tonight. I was going to ask you and Tegan along, but I’m thinking that’s not a thing that should happen now.”
“Definitely not and I don’t want to be the fifth wheel.”
She chewed on the corner of her lip for a moment. “Then come over tomorrow. We want you to go to the pond with us. It’s supposed to be hot as hell. Dylan will love it.”
I followed her lead and stood up too. This meant she was going to leave anyway. “Dylan would love it. Listen, I was going to take him into the salon tomorrow to cut his hair. How about after that, I bring him by and you guys can take him to the pond?”
“That’s great, but we wanted you to go too.”
I quickly wet my lips. “I think I’d rather not tomorrow. Eventually, I have to tell Tegan about all this and I don’t want that to be at the pond in front of all of you. If he’s there he’s going to ask questions.”
She sighed. “Sounds fair, I guess. But definitely bring Dylan.”
“I will.”
She left after that and Dylan spent the rest of the evening in his room, barely coming out for a drink and the bathroom. Probably afraid I’d force him to spend more time with me. It’d been a long week for him too, I guess.
The next morning, I told Dylan that he was going to the pond with his dad and Laney. The excitement that bounced through him couldn’t be contained and I tried not to let it bother me. He was with me so much that he didn’t mean it as a slight. But I told him we had to cut his hair first.
He was for it. Though I could’ve just done it at home, Dylan loved going into the salon to get his hair cut. Mostly because he got a sucker when he was done. We didn’t have a lot of kids as clients, so the ladies loved it when I brought Dylan in.
“Hey little guy,” Emily said as she passed my chair. She also rustled his hair which she knew I’d just sectioned of
f his hair the way I’d wanted it.
“Hi, Aunt Emily.”
“Big date tonight, buddy?” she asked him.
“No,” he answered matter-of-factly. “I’m going to the pond with Dad and Laney.”
“That sounds fun.” Then she focused in on me. “Are you going to the pond with Dad and Laney?”
I chuckled. “I am not.”
“What’re you doing then?”
I was back to sectioning out my kid’s hair to cut it. “No plans.”
“Then why aren’t you going?”
I sighed. I hadn’t talked to my sisters about Tegan just yet.
“Mommy.” Dylan kept me from having to answer my sister. Bless that kid. “Do you think Tegan will be at the pond today?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Probably if he’s not working.”
Emily’s eyes narrowed on me. “Why do you not know?” she asked.
I shrugged. “I haven’t talked to him in a while.”
“OK, tell me what’s going on. The condensed version because I have five minutes before my next appointment.”
“I’ll be right back, baby,” I told Dylan then pulled Emily to the side. “I’m figuring some things out, OK? He’s done a few things that make me feel edgy.”
“What kind of things?”
“Ian kind of things,” I told her. “I can’t get into it here at work.”
“Fine.” She sighed. “But you better not let that fucknut Ian ruin this for you. I thought you really liked Tegan.”
“More than like and that hasn’t happened in forever which makes me even more nervous.”
Her face softened and she took a step toward me. “Aw, Maddie, it’s allowed to love someone. Come to think of it, have you let yourself fall in love with anyone?”
My eyes filled with tears. One escaped before I brushed it away quickly. I didn’t want my kid to see me cry. “What if I love someone and Dylan loves them then they leave?”
She pulled me into her arms and rubbed a hand up and down my arm quickly. “It’s allowed to love someone, Maddie. Natalie loves Chris and he didn’t leave.”
“I know. I know.” I pulled back. “I just need to figure some things out first.”
Hard to Say Yes (The Fallout Series Book 3) Page 14
