Dropping Like Pies (Apple Orchard Cozy Mystery Book 11)

by Chelsea Thomas

  “That’s quite a theory,” I said.

  James bristled. “What? You think I’m feeding you nonsense because I’m the real killer? I just told you my whole sob story. I’m innocent. How can I have killed the guy? I haven’t even been in Pine Grove in forever.”

  “Can you prove that?” I asked in a tiny voice.

  “You are unbelievable,” said James.

  “I’m not asking because I think you’re guilty. I’m asking because I think you’re innocent. And I want to be armed with the information that proves your innocence in case the police come after you.”

  “I hear they already have a guy,” said James.

  “That won’t stick,” I said. “Their first arrest never sticks.”

  “But I don’t want—”

  “You have to tell me, James. Please.”

  “Fine. Dominic isn’t my only illegitimate child, OK? After I left Pine Grove I bounced around the country. I was upset about Dominic and I found comfort in the company of beautiful women. A couple, maybe five, of those women also had babies. It was five. Five of them.”

  “Oh my goodness.”

  “Yeah. I’m a world record-setting deadbeat dad. Disgraceful, I know. Anyway, I did this yoga thing and I’ve been trying to go to therapy and meditate and all that stuff. And I decided I needed to make things right with all these kids. So I’ve been traveling all over the country, retracing my steps, trying to improve their lives as much as I can. With Dominic, I hope I helped in the basketball department. Another kid, I repaired his car while he was sleeping. I left money under one of my daughter’s mattresses. I don’t know. It’s stupid. But if I can’t be their father, maybe I can be like their fairy godfather, you know?”

  “That’s kinda sweet,” I said. “Um, do you have like, travel receipts for the past few months to prove all this?”

  James nodded. “I’ve been all over the country for months. No way I could have been here killing coach and hiding him up on your farm.”

  “You knew we suspected you before this conversation,” I said. “Why didn’t you share your alibi then?”

  “I’m ashamed! Do you not get that?” James looked away. “Also, I had a slight crush on you. So I didn’t want to lead with, ‘by the way I have five children by different women.’”

  “You could have shown me the travel receipts and made up a reason that had nothing to do with these kids.”

  “I’m done lying when it comes to my offspring. I hope each and every one of them seeks me out when they turn eighteen. Because I’ll be there for them, you know? You don’t stop growing up when you turn eighteen. In a lot of ways, that’s when it all starts. I know that better than anyone. I’m still growing today. And I hope I will be tomorrow, too.”

  “I hope I’m growing too,” I said, and I meant it.

  “Are you kidding? You’re a great girl. And I know you’re going to find this killer.”

  24

  Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Snowstorm

  I emerged from the bar to find Miss May’s van parked out front, engine running. I smiled. Miss May and Teeny didn’t want me to have to walk too far in snow. Either that, or they had positioned the van as a getaway car in case James tried to kill me.

  Whatever the reason, it was sweet. I slid open the back door and climbed inside. A fresh-baked cookie and a mug of hot chocolate rested on the little table in the kitchenette. The whole van smelled like cookies. I laughed. “You two are ridiculous. How did you prep all these treats while I was in the bar?”

  “I’ve got the little toaster oven back there and the hotplate for when we take the van to do events,” said Miss May. “Teeny suggested we turn on the toaster to help the car heat up as fast as possible. Then I remembered I had cookie dough in the freezer and the rest just fell into place.”

  The cookie was doughy and warm. Just the way I like my treats. I tried to pick it up and it fell apart in my hands.

  “It might be a little underdone,” said Miss May. “And it’s still fresh and hot. So it’s going to keep falling apart.”

  “I think you should bend the paper plate in half and funnel the cookie into your mouth,” said Teeny. “That’s what I did with mine.”

  I laughed and took Teeny’s suggestion. A big chunk of cookie slid into my mouth. The chocolate morsels were dark and rich. The dough was gooey and melted in my mouth. Like a warm cookie smoothie.

  “Thank you,” I said. “I needed that after my conversation with James.”

  “You want to tell us what that was all about?” asked Miss May.

  “Sure,” I said. “But I’m gonna tell it quick, ‘cuz the snow is really starting to fall hard. Hard and fast. Like the justice we serve. Did that sound tough? I wanted to sound tough. You know what, nevermind, just let me finish this cookie so we can get going.”

  I finished my cookie, then told the story of my conversation with James. Neither Miss May nor Teeny seem surprised that James had several illegitimate children sprinkled across the United States. But they did seem satisfied with his alibi.

  “Great job, Chelsea. Your instincts about James were right,” said Miss May. “He was hiding something. And now that you’ve gotten the facts out of him, we can quit wasting our time investigating him as a suspect in this murder.”

  “Great,” I said. “Honestly, I think we should focus on Coach Sheila now. Can you believe she framed the articles about Thornton’s heart attack?”

  “I believe it,” said Teeny. “That Sheila is vicious. You can tell. She wants to win at any cost and she doesn’t show remorse for anything.”

  “She’s a true competitor, I guess,” I said.

  “Do you think we need to confirm that James has been traveling the past few months?” asked Teeny. “I mean, it doesn’t sound like he was making any of that up. But just to be sure, it might help to double check.”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. I considered asking him for proof of his travel back in the bar. But he was so upset—”

  “I don’t think we need travel receipts or anything like that,” said Miss May. “The guy spilled his heart to Chelsea. He’s never struck me as too cunning or deceitful, so I doubt he was lying. Besides, Chelsea, didn’t you say the bartender had heard the whole story before you got there ?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “The bartender knew everything.”

  Miss May shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t think James would have bothered spilling the story to the bartender if it wasn’t true.”

  “Maybe James told the bartender because he knew that would make his story more convincing,” said Teeny.

  “But then James would have had to know I was coming,” I said. “And as far as I could tell, James had no idea. I don’t think he ever planned on contacting me again. He didn’t know I was going to talk to that bartender. And there would be no reason for the bartender to run and tell me about some random guy who got drunk during a blizzard and confessed about his illegitimate children.”

  “Good point,” said Teeny. “I’m satisfied.”

  “Me too,” said Miss May. “Now can we finally get home?”

  I patted the back of Miss May’s seat. “Let’s get this old girl in gear.”

  We hadn’t even gotten off Main Street when Miss May spotted a car broken down in the middle of the road. There was a tow truck beside the car but neither vehicle seem to be going anywhere.

  Teeny pointed out the window as we got closer. “Hey! That’s Big Dan’s tow truck. I don’t know why he stays open during storms like this. It’s not safe and I don’t like it.”

  “He probably wants to help people who get stuck,” I said.

  “I don’t know what kind of idiot would be out driving around at a time like this,” said Teeny.

  “Hey. I take offense to that,” said Miss May.

  “I wasn’t talking about you, May,” said Teeny.

  I leaned forward to get a closer look. “Hold on a second. I know that car. I think it’s Wayne.”

  Miss May laughed. “
This is too good. Wayne broke down in the snow and Big Dan showed up to save the day? I love it!”

  Miss May pulled up beside the cars. Sure enough, the sedan belonged to Wayne. And he was standing beside it with his head in his hands. She rolled her window down. “How’s it going, Detective? Couldn’t make it out of town?”

  Wayne threw up his hands. “It broke down on me at the worst time. I don’t even have my gloves. I’m going to get frostbite out here.”

  “We’re both going to get frostbite,” said Big Dan.

  “Hey, Daniel,” said Teeny. “I told you to close up shop tonight.”

  “I was closed. Detective Hudson called my personal cell. Said it would be a simple job.”

  “So why haven’t you hitched him up yet?” asked Teeny. “Give the poor guy a tow.”

  “I tried. Only got about two blocks. My truck got a flat somehow in the snow. I tried to change it, but I forgot I loaned my spare tire kit to Gigley last week. Never got it back. Called him for help but didn’t get an answer.”

  The wind picked up and the snow fell faster. I could barely see Wayne and Big Dan through the sheets of white cutting through the air.

  “So what are you two doing now?” Miss May inquired.

  “That’s what we were just discussing,” said Wayne. “We’ve got no idea.”

  “Get in my van,” said Miss May. “You’re both coming back to the farm to wait out this storm.”

  “That’s very nice of you to offer,” said Big Dan. “But I’d rather wait the storm out at home. Can you drop me off?”

  Miss May shook her head. “No time. You know better than anyone that this storm is serious. I can’t drive everyone back to all different parts of town. I’m not sure I’m going to make it up to the farm, to be honest. So pile in! I don’t want to get stuck out on these roads and I won’t take no for an answer.”

  I opened the back door and motioned for the guys to climb inside. “We’ve got cookies and hot chocolate.”

  “You ate the last of the cookies,” said Miss May.

  “Never mind the cookies,” I said.

  “I could really use a cookie right now,” Big Dan lamented.

  “I didn’t know we were having guests!” I said.

  The guys approached the van. Wayne hesitated before he climbed inside. “Are you sure about this, May?”

  “I’m so sure it’s making me angry,” said Miss May. “Chelsea, slide over and make room for the Detective.”

  I slid over and Wayne scrunched up next to me. Big Dan climbed in last and held his arms close to his body to make sure he didn’t impose on Wayne’s space.

  I was suddenly very aware of every single point of contact between my body and Wayne’s. Shoulders, grazing. Biceps gently rubbing against each other. Legs pressed together in the small space of the seat.

  “Isn’t this nice?” asked Miss May.

  The guys grunted out unenthusiastic concurrences. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. It was nice. A little too nice. I didn’t like how much I liked sitting so close to Wayne.

  “It’s better than being stuck on the side of the road with a killer on the loose,” said Big Dan.

  “Actually, we found the killer. He’s locked up at the police department now,” said Wayne.

  Miss May chuckled and made eye contact with Wayne in the rearview mirror. “Come on, Wayne. You don’t believe Brian’s guilty any more than we do.”

  I felt Wayne’s body tense against mine. I wondered what he thought about Brian’s imprisonment. And I worried the killer was still roaming the streets.

  25

  Spinning our Wheels

  The journey up the big hill back to the farm was tumultuous. The van progressed a few feet at a time, tires spinning out in the snow every few seconds. Teeny squealed with anxiety for the whole trip.

  Wayne and Big Dan yelled driving advice up to Miss May. And I clung to my seat and closed my eyes, hoping for the best.

  Miss May stayed calm and assertive throughout. She quieted all of our nerves with expert driving and we soon found ourselves parked right in front of the farmhouse, safe and sound.

  “I can’t believe we made it,” said Big Dan. “I feared for my life during that drive. I realized I don’t have a last will and testament. Who’s going to get my acoustic guitar if I die? Who’s going to get my toy helicopter?”

  “I’ll take your stuff,” said Teeny. “But not the helicopter, I don’t like that thing. And I’m donating your clothes. And most of your furniture.”

  Wayne clapped Big Dan on the shoulder. “Sounds like you need a will, buddy.”

  “What we all need is to get inside that farmhouse.” Miss May pointed out toward the chimney, where smoke billowed into the frigid air. “Looks like KP has a fire going for us.”

  Sure enough, we found KP — the groundskeeper at the orchard — relaxed in the big chair in front of the fireplace. He had his feet sticking out so they could be warmed by the flames. Kitty was on his lap and Steve the dog was by his side. It was a comically adorable scene. KP raised his eyebrows as Miss May led our troop of visitors into the den.

  “Am I under arrest or is there something wrong with my car? Whatever it is, can it wait until morning? Me and the pup and the cat are all ready for bed.”

  “Long story, but everything’s fine,” said Miss May. “Except Big Dan’s tow truck and Wayne’s patrol car. Anyway, I’m gonna make everybody a cup of tea. Would you like one?”

  “I’ve got my hot toddy right here,” said KP, lifting a mug toward Miss May. “Thank you, though.”

  Miss May turned to me, Teeny, Wayne, and Big Dan. “Relax by the fire. I’ll be back soon. Teeny, Chelsea… Help me out in the kitchen?”

  “Of course,” I said.

  “On it,” said Teeny.

  I glanced over toward the fire as Big Dan and Wayne settled onto two opposite ends of the couch like they were allergic to each other.

  “Does anyone need anything?” I asked. “Miss May has an amazing collection of mystery novels if anyone is in the mood for reading.”

  The men all grunted and grumbled that they were OK for the moment. Then I headed off to join Teeny and Miss May in the kitchen.

  Miss May got straight to work preparing mugs of herbal tea for our guests. Teeny and I hung back a few feet.

  “Why do you need help from us to make tea?” said Teeny.

  “I don’t,” said Miss May. “I want to discuss the case.”

  “That’s great,” I said. “But I want to discuss why in the world you invited Wayne and Big Dan over for the night.”

  Teeny shrugged. “I’m fine with Big Dan being here. But I could see why Chelsea may not want her hot detective pal under her hot tin roof. I don’t think Germany would love that.”

  “Germany would be fine with it.” I sat at one of the stools of the kitchen island.

  Miss May looked back at me. “That didn’t sound right. What do you mean?”

  I sighed. I had been resisted dragging Teeny and Miss May into my Germany drama all day. But the melancholy of our breakup had been weighing on me, despite my best efforts to ignore it. So, before I knew it, I had regaled Teeny and Miss May with every pitiful detail of Germany’s visit to the farmhouse and our break-up.

  Miss May gave me a big hug. “I’m sorry, Chelsea. Why didn’t you tell us sooner? Are you OK?”

  “Of course she’s OK,” Teeny said. “She’s finally free from that weirdo. I can call him a weirdo now that you’re broken up, right?”

  “Pretty sure you called him a weirdo while we were still together,” I said with a small laugh.

  “He was weird,” said Miss May. “We can all acknowledge that. But Chelsea loved him.”

  “Yeah. Deep down, I know I’m gonna be OK,” I said. “But it’s hard. Germany has been a source of stability and comfort for me. And he’s such an energetic, loving person. I keep thinking I’m crazy for letting someone like that go. Most people look their whole lives for a fraction of love that int
ense.”

  “The guy was a little much, if you ask me,” said Teeny. “I prefer Big Dan’s style of affection. Restrained, almost non-existent sometimes. But you know he cares.”

  I shrugged. “Honestly, I think Germany and I were just at different places in our lives. Germany is traveling across the globe, back and forth from Africa, doing important lion work. His career is just starting to take off. My career already took off and landed. I want to settle down. And if I have a boyfriend, I want him to be around, you know?”

  Teeny sat next to me and rubbed my back. “I understand. That’s why I had to break up with that pilot I was dating. And that other pilot. And that truck driver. There’s no use having a good man if he’s nowhere to be seen.”

  “You dated two pilots and a truck driver?” I asked. Teeny shrugged like, duh.

  “You just let us know if you need to talk about this anymore,” said Miss May.

  I gave Miss May a small smile. “I will. Thank you. But back to business. We’re all alone in the kitchen right now. We should be discussing the case.”

  “There’s no time limit on you talking about your feelings,” said Miss May. “Keep talking if you need to.”

  “Thanks but no thanks,” I said. “Moving right along… I know we all think Brian’s innocent. But what if he’s not? What if he and Mr. Brian conspired to get rid of their nasty neighbor?”

  “Even the coolest cucumber can be pushed over the edge,” said Teeny, nodding.

  “I had the same thought,” said Miss May. “I think we owe it to this investigation to look into Brian at least a bit. We shouldn’t ignore the conclusions drawn by the police just because we don’t like the cops in this town. It’s possible they’re right. And I don’t want to spin my wheels investigating a case that’s already been solved.”

  “But how are we going to find out confidential police information?” I asked.

  At that moment, as if summoned by magic, Wayne poked his head in the room. “Hey ladies. Bathroom?”