Critical Doubt

by Barbara Freethy

  "Sometimes the personal battles are harder to fight, especially when you're not with your team anymore."

  "Well, I don't think they killed themselves. You can believe what you want."

  "Okay," she said evenly. "I haven't actually formed an opinion; I'm still gathering facts."

  "Is that what they teach you in the FBI?" He could hear the edge in his voice, and he saw the flash of annoyance enter Savannah's eyes.

  "You sound like you want to pick a fight, Ryker, but I'm not interested in being your sparring partner." She turned on her heel and walked out.

  He followed her down the stairs and into the living room. "You're right," he said, as she moved toward the front door.

  She stopped at his words, slowly turning around, an expectant gleam in her pretty eyes.

  "I am itching for a fight," he added. "I want to hit something. I want to blow something up. I want to burn something down. I want to put my anger somewhere, because it's eating me up."

  Compassion filled her gaze. "I feel the same way. Abby and I go way back, and Paul was like a big brother to me. I didn't know Todd that well, but I'm in pain for my friend and for the loss of two men who should not have died like this."

  "I get it. You care. I care. It's not a contest. It just sucks." He took a breath as he gazed around the room. "Everything has sucked for the last nine months."

  "I saw the scars on your leg. What happened?"

  "I blew out my knee, messed up some tendons, took some shrapnel. It's been a long recovery process."

  "I'm sorry, Ryker."

  "It is what it is."

  "Abby said Paul wouldn't tell her what happened that night."

  "Our mission was classified."

  "It must have been important."

  "And it was a failure in more ways than I can count. We lost two men that day and now two more are gone. There are only three of us left." He couldn't quite come to grips with that fact.

  "You could have lost your life today, too, jumping into the river the way you did."

  "Well, I survived." He thought about what Todd had said at the church. "It's ironic. One of the last things Todd said to me was that he was the one who always survived and sometimes he couldn't take it." As soon as he finished speaking, he realized he'd just reinforced what she was already thinking. "But Todd didn't mean that literally. I should have stopped him from leaving the church. But he was pissed off at me for not keeping in touch with him, and I let him go."

  "You didn't know what was going to happen. Don't add another weight of blame to your shoulders; too much will crush you."

  "Easier said than done."

  "What else did Todd say to you?"

  "If you're thinking he gave me some clue…"

  "Just wondering what the conversation was about."

  "He talked about Paul's problems, his drinking, his feeling of worthlessness. He complained about my lack of engagement with them. He thought I abandoned them. He wasn't wrong. I've been in my own head for a long time." He let out a breath. "And then he started ranting about the army."

  "What do you mean?"

  "He wanted to know what it was all for, how we'd ended up where we are. He felt like the army owed us more than we got."

  "Do you feel that way, too?"

  "Not really. I could understand where he was coming from, but we all knew the risks. We took them willingly. I said that, and he told me we didn't speak the same language anymore. That's when he told me he needed to be alone. He was definitely angry when he headed to the car. But he wasn't despondent. He was worked up." He paused, running a hand through his hair, realizing he was fighting a losing battle. "I actually don't know why I'm trying to convince you that Todd wasn't suicidal, when I have no idea if he was. Or if Paul was. His fall was bizarre, too."

  "Well, hopefully, Todd will be found, and you'll be able to talk to him." She took a breath. "I should get back to Abby. Do you want me to help you find a place to stay? There are some hotels in Ridgeview; it's not that far. I suspect the two inns in Dobbs are full because of the funeral. I know Abby has some out-of-town friends who came in for the service."

  "I don't need a hotel; I'm going to stay here."

  Her brows shot up in surprise. "Here? Won't that be…strange?"

  "I don't care. I need to be here. This is where they were both living. If there's a clue to what happened to them, to their state of mind, it's probably in this house. Besides that, if Todd does make it out of that river, I want to be here for him."

  "I'm sure he'd appreciate that."

  "I'm not so sure, but I'll be here anyway."

  "I guess I'll talk to you later then."

  "Let me give you my number," he said. "If you hear anything, call me."

  "I will." She handed him her phone so he could put in his number. She then texted him, so he'd have her contact information as well.

  He walked onto the porch with her, feeling a little reluctant to let her go. But she needed to be with Abby, and he needed to figure out what had been going on with Paul and Todd. He didn't know how long he had before the bells started ringing again.

  Savannah thought about Ryker all the way back to Abby's house. She hadn't had much time to come to grips with his sudden reappearance in her life, and now it didn't appear that either one of them would be leaving Dobbs any time soon.

  Ryker would stay until there was news of Todd, and she would stay until she felt Abby could manage without her. Although, it felt a little self-aggrandizing to think that Abby couldn't manage without her. She'd been running her life and Tyler's for years. Even when Paul was alive, he hadn't been around that much. Abby had been the one to keep the family going, and she'd keep on doing that.

  But it was different now, because Paul wouldn't be coming home. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for Abby. This was her life now. She was a single mother. Her husband was gone. The big worry Abby had had every time her husband was deployed had come to fruition.

  At least Abby had her parents nearby and plenty of friends. As much as Savannah had rebelled against the constraints of the small town, she knew that Abby would be surrounded with love, and that was what mattered.

  When she returned to Abby's house, she found her friend alone in the kitchen, making a fresh pot of coffee.

  "Where is everyone?" she asked. "I didn't think you'd be on your own."

  "I asked them to leave. I just couldn't talk anymore."

  "We don't have to talk, either."

  "No, you're fine. You know me, Savannah. I don't have to pretend with you. Do you want coffee? I'm making a fresh pot. As exhausted as I am, I don't want to sleep until there's news about Todd."

  "I'd love some." She set her bag on the counter. "Why don't you sit, and I'll make it?"

  "It's fine. I like doing something normal. Are you hungry? There's so much food here; I need to donate some of it."

  She slid onto a stool and grabbed a chocolate chip cookie off a plate. "These look good."

  "There are casseroles in the fridge if you want something more substantial."

  "I'm not that hungry."

  "Where is Ryker? Did he go home?"

  "No, he's at Todd's house. He's going to stay there until there's word or Todd comes back. I took your key to let him in; I hope that's not a problem for you."

  "It's fine. Ryker is Todd's friend. I'm sure Todd wouldn't care that he's there. How is Ryker doing? He got pretty beat up in the river, and those scars on his leg looked bad."

  "He's hanging in there, like the rest of us."

  Abby leaned against the counter as she waited for the coffee to perk. "Paul really missed Ryker these past several months. He tried to get in touch with him a few times, but he never heard back. I guess Ryker was dealing with problems of his own."

  "He mentioned that he had been out of touch and felt bad about it. I do think there's more going on with him than problems with his leg. He seems…haunted."

  Abby gazed back at her. "I thought that about Paul, too. H
e would drift off in the middle of a conversation. He would be miles away from me even when he was sitting two feet away. And he was paranoid, too. He even accused me of having a thing for Colin. How crazy is that?"

  "Well, you are close friends," she said carefully.

  "That's all we are. I would never cheat on Paul. Never! How could you think that, Savannah?"

  "I don't think that," she said quickly, seeing the anger in Abby's eyes. "But I could see that Paul might have been a little jealous of Colin's presence in your life."

  "He had no right to be. Colin was there when Paul wasn't. He was in the hospital with me when Tyler got sick. He made me food. He made sure I slept. And he watched Tyler for me when he got better, so I could have a break. Of course, we're close. And, yes, Tyler loves Colin. But why shouldn't he? Colin has been great with him."

  "I believe you, Abby. You don't have to defend yourself to me."

  "I shouldn't have had to defend myself to my husband. He should have trusted me, but he didn't. Now you're making me think he had a right to be mad at me. Maybe I was blurring the lines."

  "Abby, breathe. I'm on your side—one hundred percent. And I don't think Colin was really Paul's problem."

  "You're right. Colin was just an excuse for Paul to be angry—as if he needed another one. He loved the army and then he hated it. In some ways, I think he felt the same way about himself." She paused, grabbing mugs out of the cabinet. "Are you still drinking your coffee black?"

  "Yes."

  Abby filled two mugs and then sat down at the island with her. "I wanted to ask you something, Savannah."

  "What's that?"

  "You and Ryker."

  She almost choked on her coffee. "There's no me and Ryker."

  "You've been with him all day. You brought him here. You went to Todd's with him. You seem like you know him, but you only met him this afternoon, right?"

  She was surprised that Abby, in all her distraction, had picked up on the connection between them. "Actually, no. I met him five years ago."

  "Are you serious? How did I not know that?"

  "We had a one-night stand. It was right before I left the army."

  Abby's eyes widened in amazement. "Why didn't you say anything?"

  "I didn't know his name at the time, and he didn't know mine. It sounds kind of slutty to say that, but it's the truth. It was one of those wild, reckless, impulsive nights. I didn't even realize he was in Paul's unit until two years ago when you showed me a photo of the team."

  "I remember that. You asked me his name and you got a funny look on your face. Why didn't you say something then?"

  "It was too far in the past by that point. I didn't think I'd see him again. I'd pretty much forgotten about him." Even as she said the words, she knew they weren't completely true. She had thought about Ryker a lot over the years, sometimes comparing other men to him, and they'd always come up short. She wished she'd been able to forget about him, but he'd stuck in her head.

  "So you hadn't seen him in five years until today?" Abby asked.

  "No. I thought he might come to the funeral, but I wasn't sure he'd remember me."

  "How could he forget you? You're a lot of things, Savannah, but forgettable is not one of them. What did he say when he saw you?"

  "He was shocked. He had no idea I knew Paul or that I wasn't the dancer he thought I was."

  "He thought you were a dancer? This story gets more and more interesting." Abby sipped her coffee. "Why would he think that?"

  "We met at a hotel bar in Doha. He was on leave and I was on a layover on my way back to the States. There was a group of Texas cheerleaders staying in the same hotel. They had done a show for the troops in Kuwait. He assumed I was one of them."

  "Why didn't you tell him you weren't?"

  "It was easier to just be a dancer."

  Abby gave her a knowing look. "I thought you got over trying to please people by turning yourself into someone you aren't."

  "That night was actually the turning point for that decision. I was so conflicted about whether I wanted to stay in the army or get out, and after that night, I knew. It was so clear. I couldn't be a dancer for Ryker or a soldier for my father or a beauty queen for my aunt. I had to find out who I was."

  "That was one of your better decisions. I've hated watching you push the real parts of yourself away. But, wow, I can't believe you had a one-night stand with Ryker. He's…well, he's really good-looking, but Paul said Ryker could also be very cold. He could completely detach from the emotion in any situation."

  "I didn't see any sign of coldness that night. In fact, he was pretty irresistible when we met. He was confident and rugged, sexy and charming. He had wit and a killer smile."

  "And how was he in bed?"

  "Amazing," she admitted. "Hotter than hot. But I have to say he's changed a lot since that night. He's dark and haunted now. He has an uncertainty that wasn't there before, an isolated feeling about him. And maybe now I do see the coldness."

  "That ambush changed them all. Only two died that night, but it seems like the rest of them have been dying slowly ever since then." Abby's gaze turned bleak.

  "I wish you'd told me how bad things were."

  "I kept thinking Paul would get better. I really did love him, Savannah. I just didn't know how to help him, how to reach him. We used to be best friends, but this past year, it felt like we were strangers. It seemed almost deliberate at times, as if he was trying to put a wall between us. He wasn't even that angry when I asked him to leave. He almost seemed relieved, like the other shoe had finally dropped. I thought he would get better when he knew our marriage and our family were on the line. But I was just lying to myself."

  She didn't know what to say. No words could change what had happened. "It's not your fault, Abby. You know that. Even if he hadn't left the house, he still could have died. He was over at Todd's all the time. He was drinking all the time."

  "I keep telling myself that, but it's so difficult not to feel guilty. I want a do-over, but I'm not going to get one. I have to find a way to move on. I have to be strong for Tyler. I can't let his life be forever ruined by this tragedy. I want him to remember Paul as the good man he was."

  "You'll make sure that Tyler knows how good Paul was."

  "But I can't begin moving on until we find Todd. I care about him, too, Savannah. He was trying to help me. He was taking care of Paul, even when he was dealing with his own problems."

  "Don't give up hope, Abby. Todd is a strong guy."

  "It's hard not to give up. I feel like whatever happened to the team nine months ago set off a terrible chain of events, and I'm afraid there's more coming."

  "I don't know what more could come."

  "I hope we don't have to find out." Abby paused, her lips tightening. "I want to get the elephant out of the room, Savannah."

  She gave her friend a commiserating smile. "You don't have to say anything."

  "Some people think Paul jumped off the roof, and I'm pretty sure some people believe that Todd drove into that river. You might even be one of those people."

  "I might have had that thought," she admitted. "But Ryker doesn't believe either one of them did that—if that makes you feel better. He knew both of them as well as anyone."

  "I hope Ryker is right. I also hope he doesn't end up like them, because I saw the changes in him, too, and it felt like the same changes I'd seen in Paul and Todd. I wish he'd come back here tonight instead of staying at Todd's."

  Fear ran through her at Abby's foreboding words. She might not ever get back together with Ryker, but she definitely did not want to see him hurt or worse… "It's just for the night," she said. "Hopefully, the morning will bring good news."

  "I want to believe that."

  "So do I." But she had a bad feeling, and she couldn't seem to shake it.

  Chapter Six

  Ryker tossed and turned on the couch in Todd's living room as the chimes on the grandfather clock rang four times, which meant he'd be
en trying to sleep for almost five hours. But every hour, just as he managed to drift off, the bells would ring, and trigger his own private ride of noise and terror.

  He should have stretched out in one of the bedrooms upstairs and put some distance between himself and the clock, but sleeping in one of his friend's beds had seemed like too much. He had, however, taken a shower and put on some sweatpants and a clean T-shirt that had probably belonged to Paul, since it had an Atlanta Falcons logo on it. He wished now he'd packed an overnight bag, but he'd never expected to spend the night in Dobbs.

  Rolling onto his side, he stared out the window. The curtains were wide open. He hadn't bothered to draw them. He hadn't wanted to change anything in the house that was waiting for Todd to come home.

  It must have rained because he could see drops of water on the glass lit up by the moonlight. The thought of that river swelling even more with the storm brought forth another wave of despair. Todd had to be out of the river by now. He had to be hunkered down in the woods, waiting for morning, waiting for light. It was the only thought that Ryker could accept.

  "Sleep," he muttered, closing his eyes. He had fifty-eight more minutes before the clock rang again. He needed to take advantage of that.

  Before the ambush, he'd always been able to sleep on command. But since then, sleep had been his enemy and not his friend. He was lucky, even with total quiet, if he could get a few hours in a row.

  He tried to clear his mind, to find a happy place, but he kept seeing Todd and Paul in his mind. He thought about the times the three of them had been together, not just while they were working, or on the battlefield, but the down times: the impromptu soccer games, the bar nights where they'd escaped for a few hours, the life moments they'd celebrated—the birth of a child, a marriage, a death of a family or a friend. They hadn't just been a team; they'd been family. And now his family had lost two more people.

  If Todd didn't come back, there would be another funeral. And who was left to come?