Already Gone

by Diane Benefiel

  “Did bringing flowers help?”

  “I think so. Sounds corny, but I had a conversation with my dad and we worked it out. I think in the past week I’ve come to a place where I feel like I can be at peace with all of them.”

  “I’m glad.”

  “Now there’s you.”

  He kept her firmly against him when she would have pulled back.

  “I can’t marry you, Logan.”

  “I haven’t asked. And yes, you can.”

  “You know that makes absolutely no sense.”

  The hand on her back crept lower, slipping under the flannel pants she wore, caressing over her buttocks. “Let me know when it’s clear to you.”

  She gasped as his other hand slid under her top to rub a thumb over her nipple. “Beautiful Maddy.”

  He dipped his head to catch her mouth in a kiss. Even as she would have pushed them over into hotter, edgier lovemaking, Logan kept it slow and sensual. Then stopped. Even with his arousal blatantly obvious, he had rolled out of bed buck naked, and was now in the shower, leaving her confused and needy. She hoped he was dousing his lust with icy cold water.

  She rose from bed, pulled on her slippers and a sweatshirt, and went downstairs. Sophie pranced at the door, so Maddy switched to her boots and took the dog out to do her business. The sky had cleared, and the early morning sun sparkled off the fresh snow glistening on every surface. Back inside, she set about making Christmas breakfast for her and Logan. She mixed egg batter for French toast while sausages sizzled in a pan.

  When he came downstairs, Logan tended to the fireplace, laying kindling and logs on the grate. Once it was crackling, he came up behind her as she flipped egg-y bread on the griddle, bending his head to nibble on the side of her neck. Then lick the same spot. She leaned back against him and he slid his hands around to her belly and under the elastic waistband of her flannel pants, then lower, and, oh god, his hands were going down.

  When she was past ready to turn off the burners on the stove and jump his bones, he whispered in her ear, “What can I do to help with breakfast?”

  She whipped around, pointing the spatula at him. “What’s your game, Logan? Do you think you can get me all hot and bothered and I’ll agree to marry you?”

  “Who, me? That would be sneaky and underhanded. Is it working?”

  “Seems like we’d both suffer if that’s what you’re about.”

  “Maybe I like being with you and happen to find you incredibly sexy. The French toast is burning.”

  With a growl of frustration, Maddy dived for the stove. With that batch in the trash, she dipped more bread in the egg batter. “There are raspberries in the fridge. You can rinse them and put them in a bowl.”

  With Logan sitting across the table from her, she had to admit he was easy on the eyes. He’d shaved and combed his hair back from his forehead where it was drying in waves in a style that suited his long face. He’d gone out to his truck earlier and come back in with his bag, so now he looked comfortable in a pair of loose flannel pants and a long-sleeved t-shirt. The combination worked for her, because she wanted to bite him.

  He reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out a small square box that he set on the table beside her plate.

  “Merry Christmas, Maddy.”

  Chapter Twenty

  She stared at the box, a deafening heartbeat pounding in her ears. “What’s that?”

  “Your Christmas gift. Open it.”

  “What if I don’t want it?”

  “Then we’ll exchange it for something you do want. Open it, darlin’. There’s nothing in there that’s going to jump out and grab you.”

  Not so sure about that, she took the box and slowly lifted the lid to reveal…earrings. “Oh.”

  “Is that a disappointed ‘oh’ or a surprised ‘oh’?”

  “They’re lovely.” And they were, with beautiful sky-blue stones in what looked like a platinum setting. She was an idiot if she was disappointed that the box hadn’t held an engagement ring. Hadn’t she told Logan she wouldn’t marry him?

  “I thought so. The stones are aquamarine; they’re the same shade of blue as your eyes.”

  She put the earrings on, then couldn’t help running to the bathroom to see how they looked. He followed behind her, resting his hands on her shoulders as she stared at their reflection. “They’re kind of small, but you’re kind of small, so I thought they’d work for you.”

  “They’re perfect. Thank you, Logan.”

  As was becoming his habit, he pressed a kiss above her collarbone. “You’re welcome.”

  “I have something for you, too.”

  She went to the little potted tree that she’d decorated with kitschy ornaments and retrieved the small, wrapped package. Then chewed her bottom lip as he unwrapped it.

  “A DVD?”

  “Yes.”

  He gave her a quizzical look, then returned his attention to the package. He sucked in a breath when he realized what it was. The title across the front read “Lily’s Story.”

  “Brad bought me a video camera when Lily was born. I put most of the footage together for you.”

  “Will you watch it with me?”

  They sat together on the couch and Logan saw his daughter when she took her first breath, her first bath, showed her first tooth. He sat so still, Maddy wondered what he was thinking. When she stole a look at him, it was to see eyes moist with tears. She leaned her head on his shoulder. “She was happy, Logan. Remember that. She didn’t know she was sick, and she was a happy baby.”

  The DVD ended too soon, the final shot showing the name “Lily Patricia Ross” adorned with hearts on a small pink granite headstone.

  Logan understood better now. He’d seen his daughter through the stages of her short life. He found himself awed by the strength Maddy had exhibited. While the video had been focused on Lily, it had also shown Maddy being Lily’s mom. Trish must have taken some of the video, because there was a tenderness only a mother could see. Maddy was much as he remembered her. Long blonde hair, but with a woman’s body that gave proof of having given birth. And sad eyes that broke his heart.

  She had said she didn’t want to marry him, and he knew it was because she was scared, scared of losing someone else she loved, of giving birth to and losing another child. Remembering how devastated the Gallagher family had been when Maddy’s father had died when she’d been a teenager, he figured that event also played a role in her fear.

  Even if they never had another child, he believed their lives could be complete if they were together. The possibility that another child of theirs would also be sick would always be there. If she was willing, though, they would have that child. He’d read enough to know that hypoplastic left heart syndrome didn’t kill every baby afflicted with the condition, and while the chance was astronomically small, if they did have another baby with an underdeveloped heart, the child might survive. Now he only needed Maddy to realize that because of the love that bound them together, they could face anything that life threw at them.

  They were stronger together.

  With renewed certainty that he was doing the right thing, he continued the campaign he’d launched the night before. They’d enjoyed an amazing Christmas dinner at Trish’s house, and he’d waited until the rest of the guests were watching the ultrasound video Emma and Brad were showing for the third time to pull Maddy under the mistletoe. Kissing her in a public setting was probably a good idea, and would help prevent his resolve from weakening. He figured keeping her in a state of sexual frustration could only work for him.

  He had to be strong, and let the situation play out.

  They should live together. Maddy didn’t want to get married, at least not now. Maybe sometime in the future, but at the moment, she thought living together would be the perfect compromise. But the moment she’d suggested it when they’d returned from her mom’s house Christmas evening, Logan had packed his gear and returned to his own cabin—only to return at the cr
ack of dawn the next morning.

  He must have picked her lock, because he’d been at her bedside, all sexy and outdoorsy, when she’d opened her eyes to the insistent prodding on her shoulder. “Let’s go.”

  She’d rolled over and closed her eyes again.

  “Out of bed, Gallagher. We’re going skiing.”

  “We can go skiing when the sun is up.”

  “It’s up, just not on this part of the world. We’re going to be on the slopes before they get crowded.”

  So she’d gotten up, made the coffee extra strong, and had the pleasure of following Logan, skis making swishing sounds, as they sped down the slope when the sun’s first rays broke over the eastern mountains. That day had ended with a kiss on her front porch that had made her heart yearn. He hadn’t even stepped in her cabin, the devious bastard. Because she knew good and well if he had, she’d have been able to have her way with him.

  The next morning he’d shown up with a sexy tool belt around his waist, and a heavy metal toolbox in his hand. He proceeded to work his way through the home repair projects that had started to pile up. She’d enjoyed the view so much, especially when he’d been using a power drill to install track lighting, that she hadn’t even tried to dissuade him. The list of chores at the café were going to have to wait. He’d left after lunch, saying he’d be back to pick her up at four.

  He’d insisted they dress up, and when he’d shown up she’d had to take several calming breaths so she wouldn’t jump him right then and there. His wavy hair had been tamed with a bit of gel so it stayed in the combed-back style, his clean-shaven jaw looked bitable, and the dark sport coat made his shoulders look impossibly broad. That he approved of her own choice of a sapphire-blue dress that complemented the earrings he’d given her was evident in the gleam in his eyes.

  At the movie theater in Mammoth, he bought tickets for a romantic comedy he claimed he’d been wanting to see. Like she believed that. After the movie there’d been the drive up the mountain through the moonlit snowscape to the Cliffhanger, a romantic restaurant with secluded tables for two and beautiful views of the mountains. She half expected him to produce another small, square box, this time with a ring in it. But he didn’t. She tried to tell herself she was glad.

  In reality, Logan was plain driving her crazy, which no doubt was his intent. He was trying to soften her up, make her think she couldn’t live without him. Keep her in a sexual fog that only he could alleviate.

  But that strategy was double-edged, and she was sure he’d cave, because she was fighting fire with fire. When he kissed her, she made sure to pour every ounce of sexual energy into the kiss. He thought he could set off sexual fires with those wicked looks and surreptitious touches. Well, she made sure she kept him going, too.

  Like the time they’d been together on her couch watching the news on TV and she’d kept her hand on his lap, lightly rubbing the growing hardness. He’d taken that for only so long before he’d had her underneath him, his erection rubbing at the juncture of her thighs through the restraint of denim jeans. His harsh breath was in her ear, and when she thought she would get a happy dance, he’d kissed her with barely controlled passion, then rolled off her, grabbed his coat and boots, and slammed out the door.

  The days leading up to New Year’s Eve followed a similar pattern. Logan was wooing her, and doing a damn good job. Standing in her bra and panties, she brushed mascara on her eyelashes and faced reality. She loved him, had never stopped loving him. Perfect timing. Now she had to admit that to herself when he was due at her door in fifteen minutes? She needed time to build her defenses, because if he realized the conclusion she’d reached, he really would ask her to marry him, and she didn’t think she could say no.

  The wall she’d built around her heart lay crumbled in ruins. She hadn’t heeded her own advice. Somewhere along the way she had stopped thinking in the now and let herself dream about the future.

  A future that included Logan.

  A future that could end up in more heartbreak than she could bear.

  Logan drove to Brad’s house with Maddy in the passenger seat, keeping the conversation casual. The moment she had opened the cabin door to him, he’d seen the pain in her eyes. And he understood its source. She loved him, but she’d decided to turn him down. Being with him wasn’t worth the risk of heartache. The realization made him a little desperate, but he was determined to make his plan work.

  She stared pensively out the window as he took the turn to Brad and Emma’s home.

  “I had the interview with the sheriff’s department today. It went well.”

  She turned to face him. “They’d be idiots not to hire you.”

  He laughed. “You’ll be glad to know they’re not idiots. The offered me the position.”

  “At what rank?”

  “Captain.”

  “Captain Ross sounds really nice.”

  He parked the car then came around when she slid out of the passenger seat. He closed the car door behind her, and then stood a moment looking down at her. “It’ll be fine, Maddy. Trust me.”

  She didn’t pretend not to understand his meaning. “I’m scared.”

  He dipped his head to press a firm kiss to her lips. “I know.” He took her hand and led her into the house.

  The house was filled with her favorite people. Dory greeted them at the door with hugs before returning to the kitchen to supervise the steaming tamales. Maddy made the rounds with Logan at her side, and found others accepting that they were a couple like it was a done deal. She decided Brad must have spiked the punch, because love certainly seemed to be in the air. Either that, or the expectation of New Year’s was causing a mass affliction. All that sappy nonsense about new beginnings. She caught Landon bringing Trish’s hand to his lips for a kiss. And Brad was grinning at Emma, his hand resting possessively on her baby bump, their aura of love all but blinding. Didn’t these people know what they were risking loving someone so much? Her mother should know better, having lost Maddy’s father far too soon.

  Then there was Drew and Laney. Drew had recently turned twenty-one, but in solidarity with his pregnant girlfriend, was drinking sparkling cider rather than any alcoholic beverages. Maddy caught Laney sitting on a barstool, rubbing her lower back.

  Maddy left Logan talking with Jack Morgan, who in his quiet way was keeping an eye on Dory.

  Maddy stopped to talk with Laney. “Hi there.”

  “Maddy, did you know that human women are really pregnant for ten months, not nine months? People should know this.”

  “I think it’s actually about thirty-eight weeks, which makes it nine and a half months. But I get your point. How are you feeling?”

  “Like I’m about the same size and dimensions of the Michelin Man.”

  “I remember it can feel like that.”

  Laney, her dark green eyes sincere, dropped her voice to almost a whisper. “You’ve never spoken about your pregnancy, but I know you had a baby that died. I’m sorry.”

  Maddy set her unwanted drink on the counter. “I should have said something. I guess I’m starting to come to terms with losing her.”

  “Because Logan is helping you with that.”

  The comment gave her a start. Why hadn’t she seen that for herself? “You’re quite the wise one, but yes, being with Logan has helped a lot.”

  Laney rubbed her back again, and this time it registered with Maddy. “Laney, how long have you had discomfort in your lower back?”

  “Since we got here. Why?” Then her eyes grew round. “Is it time?”

  “Here.” Logan appeared at her side, pushing a champagne flute into Maddy’s hand. “Brad’s starting the countdown.” He turned to Laney. “Let’s find some of that sparkling cider for you, sweetheart.”

  Drew appeared with two flutes of the cider and gave one to Laney. “Got her covered.”

  “Drew, I—”

  Laney’s voice was drowned out by Brad calling out, “Ten, nine, eight…” The countdown cont
inued, and when he reached one, there was the cheer and the clang of a bell, then Maddy found her lips caught in a kiss that had her head spinning. Logan’s arms encircling her kept her grounded and she poured her heart into the kiss. When he released her, he stepped back, eyes serious. “Maddy, love of my life, will you—”

  “Oh my.”

  Every person in the room heard the quiet urgency in Laney’s voice. Drew’s face had gone ashen as he gazed at the floor and the fluid pooling around Laney’s feet.

  “I think my water broke.”

  Dory sped forward with towels from the kitchen. Maddy grabbed Laney’s hand, while Drew gripped the other. “You’ve got this, Laney,” Maddy stated. She kissed the girl on her forehead. “You’re going to be a mother on New Year’s Day.”

  Sue Ellsworth, a friend of Trish’s and a registered nurse, came forward. “Okay, folks. Except for the daddy-to-be, and unless you’re a doctor, I want the men out of the way.” She put her fingers on Laney’s wrist and took her pulse, speaking to her in a soothing voice. “How about we find a place where I can check you out. If you’re not dilated too far, we’ll get you in a car and on the way to the hospital in Bishop. If you are close to delivering, we’ll get you to the urgent care clinic here in town. Either way, you’re going to be fine.”

  And she was. Laney delivered a hale and hearty Andrew Stephen as the sun came up on New Year’s Day. Drew brought out his small son cradled in his arms to show his family and friends. “He’s eight pounds, ten ounces, and twenty-one inches long, and he scored a nine on the Apgar, so he’s healthy.”

  “Wow, he’s a big boy,” Maddy exclaimed.

  Big, Logan thought. The bundle Drew passed to Maddy seemed so tiny. How did women do it? How could they create human life when they knew everything that could go wrong? The last few hours had given him added perspective on what he was asking of Maddy.

  Maddy bent her head to press her lips to the top of the baby’s head, then handed him back to Drew. Once the baby was returned to his mother, the crowd in the waiting room began to disperse.