Inhale, Exhale
Page 12
Tobe has his own restaurant. It’s not new, but it was recently remodeled. Sometimes, I wonder if he did it to convince me to work with him. He always has my best interests on the forefront of his mind.
Don’t go there, Lo.
“I’ll be anything you need me to be, Sparkle. I love you, you know that, right?” Toby’s hazel eyes bore into mine, begging me to believe him. His jaw is set, allowing him to hold his emotions in better.
“I know, Tobe. I’m lucky to have you in my life.”
“You’re the sparkle to my endless abyss, Lo. One day, after you realize you were born to glow, I’ll be here to make it happen. I’ll never stop trying. Don’t give up on the woman you were before Jase got to you. She was a badass.”
I’m speechless. We cross so many boundaries with words, and the unfaithfulness eats at me. Is it unfaithful when it’s something you’re missing from home? Something that isn’t being given?
We hug, embracing and enjoying the warm and fuzzy feelings that seep inside my body. This is love. This should be Jase.
Tobe’s lips brush my temple as he holds me close, and I can’t help but wish Jase cared this much.
Being at home all the time gets lonely. Tobe and Ellie visit a lot. Hell, they are here more than Jase, but it isn’t enough. There are days at a time where I don’t see Jason’s handsome face. Oftentimes, the hard set of his jaw greets me—more often than his exuberant smile. There are moments where I forget what it feels like to have him hold me. To feel his strong arms wrap around my middle, showing me that he’s mine.
Is that normal? Not remembering what your significant other’s warmth feels like?
Every time I spend my day with him, I still smile like when we first dated, but the reciprocation is almost invisible. I’m nearing getting a tattoo with the word “threadbare” etched across my chest.
We lost our connection, that overwhelming emotion that makes me feel complete for so long.
It hurts.
He doesn’t care.
I still want him.
He no longer wants me.
I brought up my fears, that he fell out of love with me, that we needed more time alone. We had our issues. There’s not a single couple in the world without them. If they say otherwise, they’re full of shit.
Fairytales aren’t realistic, and our marriage is proof of that.
With two kids and his job constantly requiring his attention, time alone hasn’t existed for us. The intimacy we once had dissipated. He doesn’t touch me anymore. I know tiger stripes mark my skin. Carrying two beautiful souls into the world do that to you, but that never seemed to matter before.
For the most part, I try to keep in shape. I do yoga and cardio. Since seven months ago, I haven't missed a workout day. It's something I keep up for myself.
Luckily, Tobe comes with me. Ellie says she’s allergic to sweat and that since it doesn’t glitter, it isn’t glamorous. If it weren’t for him, I’d be a lone gym rat. No one wants that. That’s where I find dude’s hitting on me. Toby shuts that shit down fast.
Today isn’t much different than usual. Diapers, spit up, and toys are strewn about. Toby and Ellie should be arriving soon to try and convince me to take the head Chef position at his restaurant, Ellie more so than Toby, which is surprising, since she’d be taking the nannying from me. For the first time ever, I’m not going to deny it. If Toby asks, I’ll say yes. I’ll take his offer and start the new chapter of my very own book.
“Mommy!” my little princess calls out to me.
She twirls in her favorite Little Mermaid dress, the tulle around her waist unraveling with each wear. It’s slowly getting too small on her. She needs a new one as soon as possible. Christmas is closer than I care to admit. I’ll have to buy her a new one.
“Yes, baby?” I coo, twirling her little curls.
Jasmine, my seven-year-old babe, looks so much like her father. Her eyes are blue as the ocean, and she has pouty lips for days. That mixture will sure kill us when she hits her teens. The only thing she got from me is her raven hair—long, curly, and wispy. Mine hits my mid-back. Hers hasn’t grown that long. She always wants princess hair, begging me not to trim it, but trimming it makes it grow faster.
“Sabby is being mean,” she complains, her eyes well with unshed tears.
I want to hug all of her sadness away. Sabby—Sabrina, the neighbor’s daughter—always pushes Jazzy around, mostly because of my son. I have an inkling that she has an itsy bitsy crush on him. I’m never around to see her rudeness, because momma bear wouldn’t be so kind.
Ace, my handsome fifteen-year-old, protects Jazzy from Sabrina. He doesn’t like that she hurts his baby sister. I’m raising a fine, young boy. He mirrors me with dark, nearly black hair and heart-shaped lips, but he also has his dad's ocean blue eyes.
“Ignore her, baby. Tell her it isn’t nice to push, and if not, I’ll talk to her.”
“Okay, Mommy,” she relents with a pout, heading back to her princess castle/clubhouse.
A buzzing sounds from my bra. I answer without checking.
“Hello,” I use my soft voice.
“Hey, girl, hey!” Ellie screams into my eardrum.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d think she’s a teenager.
“Hey, there.” I smile, a real one because she always has this sixth sense that I need company.
“Toby will be there in the next thirty or so. Says he has a surprise for you, or some shit.”
I full-on laugh. Tobe easily makes my life brighter.
“You’re not coming today?” I ask, unsure of why she isn’t coming along, too.
“No, something came up with monster-in-law. She’s taking Gray, and I’m supposed to tag along.”
“Okay,” I pause, unsure of what to say.
Francis’ parents are something else. They tried taking custody of Gray when Francis first passed away. It always weirded me out that they fought so hard. They almost won. Money gets you a lot of places. Instead of cutting her off when they lost, they’ve funded Ellie and Gray’s entire life. She’s practically a trophy wife. Except he’s dead and she’s still mooching.
“Now, back to your surprise! You’re going to flip your shit!” she interrupts my thoughts.
“Should I be scared?”
“Of course not. He loves the shit out of you. I miss you already.” I can hear the smile in her voice.
“You saw me yesterday! Come over tomorrow?”
“Yeah, I’ll bring Gray. She’s been begging to see Ace. They’re going to get married, I swear.”
“They’re only fifteen! No marriage talk,” I reprimand, my heart nearly stroking out. They are too young, and I hope neither get married before they’ve lived first.
Not like me. Never like me.
“I have hope. He’s the only boy she’s ever cared about,” she reminisces, like when she was head over heels for Francis.
“So, tomorrow. Girl’s day?”
“With kids? What kind of girl’s day do you fantasize about?” she jests.
It hits me. We haven’t had an actual day to ourselves in longer than I can remember.
A knock sounds at my front door.
“Hey, Tobe’s here. I’ll talk to you later.”
A chuckle resonates on Ellie’s end. “You’ll call me sooner than you think.”
“Bye, Eleanor!”
“Ew, I hate when you call me that. Bye!”
The line falls dead, and more knocking ensues. Why isn’t he just busting through the door with his key already?
Unlocking the deadbolt, I open the door to a handsome Tobe. His arm rests on the doorframe, his face cast downward but rises with a large smile. His jaw has stubble lining it, and the sharpness of his face always has me in awe.
“Hey, gorgeous girl,” he croons, his eyes twinkling with mischief, causing me to smile as well.
Warmth spreads through me, seeping into my bones. I miss being loved. Even something as simple as a compliment brightens my
entire day. He has two coffees in his hands and more than likely a bag of pastries from our favorite coffee shop. Now I know why I need to go to the gym.
“Let me help you.” I offer a helping hand.
Instead of taking it, he kisses my forehead. It’s our routine—a sweet comment and then a kiss on the forehead, like my husband used to do. Stop swooning.
“I’ve decided,” he starts while making his way to the kitchen, “that you will come be my Head Chef. Alejandro is leaving for Guadalajara. His pops is sick. I need a replacement ASAP, and I know a beautiful, talented, and perfect candidate for the job,” he says with a smirk. His voice is light and happy, almost proud.
How can a man I’m not wed to see so much potential when my own husband can’t?
“Okay,” I respond simply.
“Okay? You’ve been fighting me for the better part of five years. What gives?” Tobe narrows his eyes, the funniest look of confusion on his face.
“I need to get away, to make something of myself.” I shrug, acting indifferent when I’m truly biting the bullet at the possibility of a failed marriage.
“Sparkle, you’ve made a beautiful life,” he says, bringing me into an embrace.
His body molds to mine, warming me and sneaking a little piece of my heart for himself. I can’t stop the way I flourish in his arms, how my heart races and finds solace in him.
Finally giving in, I admit my worst fears. “I think Jase is going to leave me.”
“Fuck,” he whispers into my hair.
“Yeah.” My voice breaks. It literally fractures as I finally admit it out loud. I’ve never voiced my opinion on the matter. It hurts too much to ever accept it could be true.
I’ve seen messages on his phone, some that border on emotional cheating, but I never want to force him to pick someone better, younger, and sexier than me. Then, there are the ones he erases and says they were from Sally, his assistant, about meetings. The condoms always get to me the most. We haven’t had sex in over a year. We don’t use them either, and the lipstick... That’s enough to confirm the cheating, but I have no proof. Or maybe I’m living in denial. The latter is probably more realistic. With him rarely home as it is, he’s already got one foot out the door.
“Baby,” he murmurs, pulling me into a much-needed embrace.
He only calls me that when he’s emotional. His brother is his best friend. When Jase and I got married, Toby came back into our lives, and they’ve been inseparable ever since. This is already bordering on a gray area, but he’s just so comforting.
“If he leaves you, he’s missing out on the most beautiful woman in the fucking world.”
“Tobe...” I can’t voice my feelings or even acknowledge the butterflies that swarm me when he’s holding me like this.
His lips connect with my forehead before resting his chin atop my head.
“You know I love you, right? You deserve all the fucking love. He needs to get his shit together and love his wife before I do,” he growls.
The possessive nature he oozes sizzles on my skin. But I won’t act. That’s a line I can’t cross. As much as I wish Jase comforted me this way, his brother and I can’t happen.
“Stop by tomorrow and we’ll get you started, okay?” he asks, pulling away, and I know it’s because he realizes my discomfort.
I nod, head for my morning shower while he gets the kids up and ready for the day. They love Tobe so much, and I don’t blame them. He’s their caregiver. He takes them to the park, arcades, and movies and does everything an uncle shouldn’t have to do.
The rest of the day goes without a hitch. Jase doesn’t make it home once again. A simple Sorry I’m not home again. Meetings ran super late. Love you. was all I got in text form.
When did we get to the simple, “Love you,” and not the “You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you so much”?
Another one chimes in.
Kiss the kiddos for me.
“Come home and kiss them yourself,” I grumble under my breath.
I see to Ace and Jaz, kissing their foreheads and wishing my husband would be here more.
MY ALARM BEEPS AT SIX, per usual. Rolling to the side, I hit solid muscle. Jason. He made it home for once. My beautiful husband lays bare, the blanket barely covering his bottom half. God, I love this man. His toned body is something I’ve always admired. He is pure sex when he’s naked. My heart rages at the possibility of another having any piece of him. Mine.
I place a kiss on his chest. He barely stirs. How did I get so lucky? I pepper kisses across his torso, up his throat, and then finally his lips. When he’s knocked out like this, he’s vulnerable, and it’s like he’s the man I married and not the stranger in my bed.
I ogle the tattoos scattered across his arms and chest. There’s so much significance to each one. He never went in for one blind or without a plan. He’s absolutely breathtaking, and he picked me. He stayed, too. Don’t I owe him patience now? So he can figure shit out?
Mentally capturing a picture of his sleepy self, I have an extra pep in my step. When he’s home, it gives me a floaty feeling, a high unlike any other, one I will never tire of.
I just want to be loved.
He doesn’t realize how much I miss his solid body next to me. Even if he’s unfaithful, I live for his warmth, his love, and the feeling we once had. I can live with only part of him, can’t I?
In the shower, the water pours down on me while I attempt to prepare for the day. The heat makes my muscles relax, and not too long after, strong arms drape around my middle. My eyes widen, the shock throwing me off. Chills overtake me, covering my body with goosebumps. Heat floods me, pooling between my thighs, throbbing. Damn cobwebs. I’m like a first timer without any sexual experience. It’s been a year since we last slept together. Not that I haven’t tried. Not that I'm counting, either.
My songs in the shower Spotify playlist plays while I’ve been trying to force my body to wake up, but one touch from Jase jolts me alive like a full system shock.
A kiss on the shell of my ear brings me utter joy. Please, don’t ever leave me.
But I stopped voicing my sadness to him long ago. He doesn’t understand or doesn’t care. At this point, I’m unsure of which it is.
Jase’s lips trail my throat, warming my lower belly. The heat in each caress nearly brings me to my knees. I realize how much I miss it, human touch. I nearly forgot how he felt against me.
His left hand traces small circles over my belly button, swirling and teasing. My nipples harden, my sex is covered in wetness and warmth. Yes, yes, yes. The other hand grips my breast, kneading it gently. He presses closer, and I can feel his erection on the crease of my ass. I’ve missed this. I forgot how it felt to turn on the man I love. My heart pounds erratically.
His strong hands descend, gripping, digging into my hips, and when he reaches my clit, he rubs slow circles, my knees buckle and before I hit the tile, he catches me.
“Jase,” I moan. I eat up every moment he touches me, absorbing it for safekeeping.
Without a word, he spreads my cheeks and enters me swiftly. His lips are brushing my sensitive skin, kissing me everywhere he can. The pain from the long, overdue motion makes me whimper. It aches, but it’s an ache I crave. I’m not used to him anymore, how big he is, how he stretches me.
“Baby, I’ve missed you,” he groans into my back, biting into my shoulder.
I can't remember the last time he called me baby. Or the last time he wanted me.
He still loves me.
Maybe I’ve been wrong.
He actually wants me.
Is he still mine?
Jase thrusts into me from behind, undulating and ruthless. I’ve missed it so much that I don’t complain about the possessive hold he has on my hips, the one branding me as his once again. There’ll be bruises for sure. What’s gotten into him?
Don’t worry about it. He’s finally loving you!
“Fuck, baby, I love you.”
Jase turns me to him and kisses me passionately, leaving me breathless. Yes! His hands cup my face, holding me with the emotions I’ve desperately craved for such a long time. Just the motivation needed for my day.
We wash up, attentively cleaning each other and making love once more. Everything about this morning is perfect. He’s back. My Jase is back.
“What’s the plan, Lo?” Jason asks fifteen minutes later while he flips through the newspaper, sitting at the island.
His soft lips sip his coffee, and he eats a slice of toast. He looks so goddamn nice in a suit. Experiencing a toned, muscular, and roguish Jase smoldering without trying is something I could never get used to. Seeing him, making love with him, and feeling his adoration has set my hormones ablaze. It’s like I’m in heat all over again. After we first had sex, I couldn’t keep myself off him.
“You’re fucking sexy,” Jason rasps. He bites my bottom lip greedily.
He thrusts his hips into me, only my panties blocking his entrance. We fucked like porn stars for hours on end last night and are still going strong. I’m done for. I’ve found my match. And Jesus fucking Christ, I’m sore.
“Checkmate,” he groans while finishing inside of me. “You’re mine, Peaches.”
All I can think about is getting him naked again.
“Lo?” He quirks a brow at me. He's eyeing me, knowing exactly where my thoughts have traveled. He smirks, rubbing a thumb across his lower lip. Why is my husband incredibly sexy?
“Ellie is coming over.” I smile, not sure how to approach the I got a job and didn’t tell you subject.
“That’s wonderful,” he forces out, his voice strained and indignant.
What’s with that?
“It’ll give you a little reprieve. I’m thinking dinner Friday night? We’ll have Arianna babysit the kids?” Jason offers with a smirk, clearly trying to brush past his weird reaction toward Ellie’s name. “A date with my beautiful wife. I think we need it.”