Inhale, Exhale

by Matthews, C. L.

  They have something we don’t, and it’s been there since I met her. They were friends first. They will always have that connection, and it was bound to take her away from me eventually.

  Now, I’ve given her the incentive, that final push into his arms.

  Fuck.

  He stayed. I didn’t.

  He saved her. I just reminded her of the past.

  He fixes her heart. I constantly break it.

  He’s my worst enemy and the one guy I can’t live without.

  Toby always finds his way back into her life. After his drunken stupidity in high school, she was already mine. There wasn’t a doubt that she’d pick me for that fact alone, but I knew she'd forgive him anyway. He got on her good side again while I was away at college. We didn’t talk much until after Ace was born.

  Toby’s always fucking here

  I love him but hate him equally.

  What have I done?

  I pushed them together. I did this.

  Fuck me.

  He’s my brother, but he’s also the asshole who wants my wife and has since we were teens.

  I need Lo to forgive me.

  I need her, and when they say you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, they’re right. She walked out our front door, and I know she didn’t go to Ellie’s. My asshole of a brother made sure to text me to go fuck myself and said she was staying with him in his bed. Prick.

  If she leaves me, my life will end. That's not me being over-dramatic. I've just realized what she means and what I’ve done to us.

  She’s going to run back to him, and I’m going to lose her forever.

  chapter seventeen

  Jase

  The next morning, I feel dead. There wasn’t much sleep to be had last night. I tossed and turned, thinking of all the scenarios of her with my brother. She won’t do this to me. She can’t.

  But you did, my brain brutally reminds me. Karma could be having her last laugh at my expense. After all, I deserve all the hurt.

  My phone buzzes, and my heart soars, thinking Lo finally gave in.

  Please don’t do this, Jason, the text from Nora reads. I can be what you need. I love you.

  Another comes in. Not who I wanted or hoped for.

  Quickly tapping out a response, I hit send. I love her, Nora. I fucking love my wife, and I need to prove it to her.

  She’s not going to forgive you, and she’ll just run to Toby like she did before. That’s what led you to me. Remember how she broke your heart?

  Nora’s text is like a bucket of ice water.

  Stop. I don’t need this, and she’s my wife. She’ll always be my wife. I made fucking vows. I won’t drop them because I lost myself in you.

  In the year-long affair with Nora, this is the first time Nora and I have truly fought since high school, and it’s all over my bad decisions. This won’t end well for either of us.

  Don’t say that. You didn’t lose yourself. You found you.

  Fucking quit it. I’m done. I can’t do this to her or our family anymore.

  Jason, please.

  Nora deserves better, and I’ll make sure she goes for it.

  Goodbye, Nora. Don’t text me or call me anymore. Go find love and someone worth keeping.

  She sends a barrage of texts, but I delete them all. Nothing she says will change my mind. I’m going to fix this, make my wife fall back in love with me, and repair our excuse for a marriage. I refuse to be this man. I watched Lo turn into what my mom did before she found and married Gene. I won’t continue to let my wife live the life she never wanted, especially when I promised not to ruin her, but failed anyway.

  I’m worthless, and the fact that I realize this makes it so much worse. What have I done to us? Why didn’t she leave me before? Why did she stay?

  Because she loves you, asshole. Correction. Loved you.

  I text Lo a bunch of times with no response. Please don’t do something stupid, like fuck my brother in spite of me, I want to say. Wouldn’t that be ironic? Apologizing and telling her it’s too late, that I’m the one who fucked up. I’ve realized I practically shoved him down her throat when her mom died. I couldn’t deal with the emotional baggage that came with it, and I always called Toby to talk to her.

  They always have that, and he has always kept her alive.

  Later, I find myself stumbling over all the tasks needing done before work. I have to give my wife props. She does this routine every morning—getting the kids ready, taking them to school, and then watching a million tots—all for extra funds we don’t need. I’m a mess. All the kids’ parents are pissed at Lo for not warning them of this cancellation. I’ve had to come up with some lame ass excuses.

  “Daddy!” Jaz squeals, running and jumping into my arms.

  My heart squeezes like a fucking vise. My little girl is hugging me for dear life, acting as if this isn’t real.

  “Yes, baby girl?” I hum, kissing her forehead like I’ve done to her mother so many times.

  My eyes search the foyer for Ace, but when I spot him, he’s glaring at me with hatred. He’s staring at me like Lo did last night. How can he harbor so much anger? Does he know? No, she wouldn’t tell them.

  “Are you going to be home more, Daddy? I miss you so much,” Jaz pleads with a pout.

  That fucking breaks my heart right there. My baby girl doesn’t think I’m around enough, and that only proves what kind of person and father I’ve been.

  “Yeah, Dad. You actually going to be home now?” Ace snarks with a curled lip. He leans against the doorframe, his arms folded across his chest.

  He’s pissed, and I don’t think Lo would hurt him by telling him. Would she? He would hate me for it. Ace isn’t a little kid anymore. You can see it in the set of his shoulders. He’s not just a volatile teen, he’s a young man that knows too much without the knowledge of how to hide it.

  Jaz squeezes me, and I hold her, missing my kids and not knowing what to do or say, so I just stand there dumbfounded. Silent, like last night when Lo begged me to deny my affair.

  “That’s what I thought,” Ace growls before walking out the door.

  Setting Jazzy down, I grab her tiny little hand and head out.

  “Don’t worry, Daddy,” she says softly, gripping my palm tighter. “He’s just sad that Mommy isn’t here.”

  Me too, princess. Me too.

  “I love you, Jazzy girl.”

  “I know, Daddy.”

  After dropping both of the kids off, I head to my building. The feeling of foreboding weighs heavily on my chest. It’s like the world is going to end, and I’m just waiting for it to happen.

  Settling into work, one task I can accomplish without much thought, I busy myself. It’s comforting, routines, something that will effectively distract me from my clusterfuck of a life.

  “Jason,” Sally calls over the intercom, interrupting my thought process.

  “Yes?” I question. She usually just pops her head in. Must not be a good visitor.

  “Nora is here to see you,” she says haughtily.

  I know she’s not a fan. My wife seemed to think Sally was always behind my affair, but she’s not. And Sally knows about Nora. I pay her very well to keep her mouth shut.

  “I’m busy,” I grunt. Why the fuck does she think it’s okay to show up to my office unannounced? “Please have her escorted out.”

  She has some balls coming here. Not that Lo would ever show up here, but if she did, I’d be even more fucked than I already am.

  “Sure thing,” she amends, and when I hear yelling, I shake my head.

  Not even five minutes later, a knock sounds at my door. Are you fucking joking? I stand up, making my way to my door. Taking in a deep breath, I open it. “Now isn’t a good—”

  “No, but having your fucking whore show up at your workplace is okay?” Tobe whisper-yells. His voice shows his disgust, and his face matches. “Before you come up with some bullshit excuse, I don’t want to hear it. I told you in high schoo
l that you weren’t good enough for Loren, and you finally proved it.”

  His unyielding glare has me growing angrier. He has no fucking right. None.

  “Get the fuck out,” I say vehemently. I’m not against punching my brother to get my point across.

  “Don’t worry. I wasn’t staying. I have your wife to take care of, just like I’ve done since the beginning. Someone has to pick up the pieces you’ve left behind.”

  That’s it.

  That beautifully gory color that always consumes me when Tobe and Lo’s names are in the same sentence comes brutally quick this time. I grab his collar, pull back my arm, and hit him in the face, letting his collar go at the same time. He stumbles back momentarily but comes back swinging. We’re on top of one another, throwing punches, and I can hear people coming to watch.

  “You’re worthless!” he bellows, holding me back in a headlock. “You don’t deserve her!”

  His voice breaks at that, and I hate him almost as much as I hate myself. He lets me go, and stands. He adjusts his tie and suit jacket. His lip has blood trailing down his chin.

  What have I done? He’s my fucking brother, and I just hit him.

  “This isn’t over, Jase. I’ll win in the end. She was never yours to have,” he expresses before walking out of my building.

  Everyone looks at me, their faces a variety of expressions—some in disgust, others in concern, and all with confusion.

  “Get back to work!” I bark at them, standing up.

  Sally pats my arm with a shake of her head. Again, if Lo didn’t hate her, she’d admire Sally. She doesn’t approve of everything I’ve done, but she keeps her personal opinion away from work.

  Before she leaves, she huffs out a breath, stops mid-stride, and turns to me. “And she thought it was me.” Her eyes narrow. “If you weren’t my boss, I’d let you know some very choice words, Jason. She does deserve better.” She curls back her lip in contempt and walks away.

  Fuck. Now everyone knows, or at least they think they do.

  Why does life spiral after just one fuck up?

  Will Tobe tell her who my lover was?

  Fuck, fuck, fuck!

  chapter eighteen

  Present

  Lo

  As I wake up to Tobe’s alarm, I roll over and accidentally smack him. “Sorry,” I groan.

  I’m used to being on the right side of the bed, not the left, and with a cuddling Tobe, I feel even more out of it. I can’t recall the last time Jase held me anywhere near him. My heart pangs at that awareness.

  My head begins pounding. It beats ruthlessly in my skull. I have work in a few hours, and I’m hungover. Last night was filled with tears and booze. Luckily, my boss is also my brother-in-law and best friend. After pouring my soul out to him, I sobbed myself to sleep. My mouth feels like I shoved cotton balls in it to dry it out completely, and my throat hurts from the constant crying I did last night.

  “You’ve got to get up. You have to help me through my first day,” I surmise, patting Tobe before nearly rolling off the mattress.

  “I’m the boss, I don’t have to do shit,” he gripes, mumbling into his pillow.

  “Tobe,” I drag out his name obnoxiously. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

  Nothing sexual happened between us last night. It hurt too much to let another man touch what isn’t his. And even though Jase has done it to me, internally, my heart is his. Just the thought of being inappropriate at this point makes me ill.

  After admitting what happened with Jase, Toby almost left and beat the shit out of his brother. I couldn’t let him, so I brought him to bed, begged him to hold me like he used to.

  We ended up cuddling like we did on many occasions after my mom died. Toby has always been here, even when Jase should have been but wasn’t. He’s my solid ground, and that’s a terrifying thought.

  Tobe groans audibly. “I know, but damn, we shouldn’t have drank that second bottle of Moscato.”

  As true as that statement is, we have things to do.

  Smacking his nearly bare ass, I laugh and point to the bathroom. “Go shower. You smell like a slutty night at a bar.”

  Looking like he wanted to say something dirty, he smirks and flips me the bird. “Fuck you, too,” he jests, moaning and rolling over.

  In my mind, I imagine something entirely different being said.

  The house is eerily quiet. Not even Chester, Tobe’s dog, has attempted to wake us up. Usually my kids are only a few minutes behind me, waiting for breakfast. It’s like they know right when I wake up.

  God, our kids. What will he tell them? What will I tell them? At the moment, seeing them while in this broken state of mind isn’t acceptable. I’ve never said anything bad about their father, and I won’t start now.

  Stopping in the bathroom, I steal my back-up brush, trying to rake it through my tangled mess of hair. Every tug reminds me that I’m alive, that I’ll survive this shitty ordeal and come out stronger.

  I miss him already.

  Is that sad to miss the man you dedicated your life to even though he fucked you over in the end? That’s all I can do, miss him and what we had. He cheated.

  Did he wear protection? My heart squeezes. I can’t be with him if he didn’t use protection. Can I be with him at all, knowing he slept with another person?

  “Don’t do this to yourself,” Tobe says, walking around me to Chester’s room. Yes, his dog has his own room.

  “Hey, bud!” he yells out, his black lab rushes out excitedly, jumping all over him. “Such a good boy.”

  Plucking my toothbrush from the container, I scrub my mouth until it’s raw. Pain makes me stay grounded, stay present, and not go back to that place in my mind.

  Past

  Three years ago

  EVERYTHING REMINDS me of her—the smell of old books, brownies and tequila, surprisingly enough. Every little thing sets me off. It’s like I’m here but not. My body still lives, but my soul and life force left when she died.

  “Peaches,” Jase whispers, running his fingers through my hair. His voice soft—too soft—almost like it’s exhausted and in need of some tender love and care.

  Once upon a time, this action would be everything. It would breathe life back into me, assuage my pain, sooth my heart’s ache. I would croon. He would trail those fingers down my body, and we would make slow, sweet love.

  Now? I can’t even generate emotions. I’ve hidden for too long, sucked into my mind, running away from my rampant thoughts. His fingers do nothing for me, his voice either, but it’s his eyes that hold me here. The depths of a thousand seas, the sadness, and the hope that slowly dwindles away, those are what keeps me here for these small moments.

  It’s been at least four months since we’ve had sex. If we do, it’s okay. I don’t orgasm or throw much thought into it. He’s hurting, but I can’t do anything. I just watch as he cries, as he begs me to come back to him, as he falls apart with each unsuccessful tug at my mind.

  “One day, you’ll come back to me, and I can’t fucking wait. I’m dying here, Peaches.”

  My heart beats sporadically for a moment, but only a moment. Emotions flitter through me, never staying for long. I just nod and shrug off his affection.

  Love is pain.

  Love turns into loss.

  Loving him or anyone will ruin me.

  No more pain, no more anything.

  I come back from the horrible memory, shivering, disgust fills my veins.

  In the kitchen, I stare at the life my best friend has built. It’s not much, but it’s his all the same. The pictures around the house are of him and Chester, his black Labrador. Crazy cat ladies have nothing on this dog-obsessed man. There are sprinkles of me, my kids, and even Jase. Of course there is. Jase is his brother.

  Tears I didn't realize were there are flowing, hitting my collarbone and then my cleavage. Why did Jase do this to me, to us?

  After I wipe the remnants of his betrayal from my eyes, my resolve builds
a wall, a new one, one that won’t be crumpled ever again.

  My cell phone lights up with incoming messages, all from Jase.

  I love you.

  Please come home.

  It’s over now.

  You and the kids are my world.

  I’m so fucking sorry, Lo.

  While I’m reading them and getting ready for my first day, I don’t shed another tear for him. Nothing comes. It’s all gone, and I can’t feel anything anymore. It’s fast, but after losing one of the most important people in your life, you realize love isn’t worth the pain.

  I refuse to feel his betrayal. My kids need a warrior, and I’ll fight hell and high water to be who they need me to be. I’ll conquer the entire world for them. I won’t shut down on them again.

  Tobe kisses me on the forehead before leaving with a slice of toast. He said he had somewhere to stop before work. Now, I’m sitting at the kitchen island, drinking coffee and nibbling on a Pop Tart. Did Jase take the kids to school? Cook them breakfast? I forgot how large my daily routine is. He’s not used to the pressure. I want to text him, but then that’s giving in, isn’t it? Giving him a door to Kool-Aid Man his way through?

  Instead, I text Ace. He has at least twenty minutes before the final bell. Hey, baby. Did your dad get you to school?

  Yeah, but when are you coming home? I don’t want him to take me anymore.

  Did something happen?

  I’ve got to go to class. Love you.

  I love you too. We’ll talk later?

  Yes, Mom, later.

  He’s upset, and I can’t help but stress if Jase told him something he shouldn’t have. Would he make me seem like the bad guy? It would be true. I’m not innocent in all of this. I gave up, and Jase just followed suit.

  “HEY, BOSS MAN.” I SMILE shyly.

  He looks me up and down slowly, either admiring or analyzing. I can’t be sure of which.

  “Boss man, Sparkle, really? We spent the whole night together,” he jokes with a lift of his eyebrow.

  I hate when he calls me Sparkle. It gives me flutters that break all the rules. But in this moment, when my husband only admitted to having an affair yesterday, I appreciate the acknowledgement. We were best friends first and the rest is history.