Inhale, Exhale

by Matthews, C. L.

  My eyes catch the couple. Frankie no longer holds Nora. He’s standing there, his arms wrapped around himself, and I know it’s not a good outcome.

  “I’m done, Francis. I can’t be with a man that makes more time for drinking than be with his wife.”

  Did I miss something? They were just hugging.

  Francis turns around, his eyes red-rimmed. “Can you keep an eye on her?” he asks as he’s walking toward the door.

  “Yeah, man,” I confirm.

  “Just need air.”

  He stares at Nora for a moment longer, pulls out a joint, and leaves. Do I go after him, or stay and make sure the pregnant chick is okay? He did ask, after all.

  All the girls, Maverick included, surround Nora, comforting her. I decide Frankie needs me more than she does.

  I set down the drink and head to the door. Outside, it’s lit up with Christmas lights. I think it’s their way of making it seem proper or something. Usually, it’s strobe lights and girls dancing on pool tables. Tonight, it’s not. It’s still loud with EDM and dubstep, but just lacking the usual vibes.

  Inside my pocket, my pack of smokes feel heavy. Since college and my coach being on my ass, I’ve tried quitting. After the drama today, my body is twitching for a smoke.

  Reaching inside to get them out, I pause on the rectangular box, wondering if Lo would chastise me for my poor choice.

  She wouldn’t. She loves me even with all my vices.

  I pull out a cig and zippo, and after lighting it, I breathe in the cancer stick like it’s oxygen. I meander through the yard, seeing people making out and drinking, just like old times.

  “I thought you were quitting,” Frankie presumes, leaning against the brick wall taking a big hit.

  It’s dark out, not even the twinkling lights show him. If not for his voice and the sweet scent burning from his weed, I would never have guessed he’d be over here.

  “Says the stoner that said the same thing in high school,” I rebut, sucking in another drag.

  “You’re such a smart ass,” he growls. I hear him kick the wall, mentally preparing myself for his breakdown. “Fuck! How did she hide that from me?” He moves past me into the lighted area, gripping his long hair, all while keeping the joint from falling off his lips.

  “I don’t know.” I shrug nonchalantly, wondering why she didn’t tell him before. Did she just find out? Maybe that explains her moodiness. “How the fuck did you hide that you guys were fucking married?”

  He shakes his head vehemently. “If my parents knew, they’d flip their shit.”

  “Other than your age, why would they care?”

  “Did you forget my family owns Hollow Ridge?” He rubs his head like he’s unsure of how I missed this. I didn’t, it was another forgotten memory from high school.

  “Ah, yes. I remember now.”

  “If they knew, they’d cut me off. I’m supposed to marry huge, have some heir or some shit. My family is worth billions, bro. And Ellie? They’ve never approved. They would have forced a prenup on her.”

  I nod, shocked that his family is this stuck up.

  “I’m so fucked,” he mutters, inhaling more of his sweet smoke. The smell invites me in, it’s been ages since I’ve gotten high. Even longer since I’ve been wasted. With Lo, I don’t need that shit.

  “Don’t sweat it, the ‘rents will understand.”

  “No, they won’t. They aren’t like Millie and Gene. They love Lo, my parents loathe El. And her being standoffish lately isn’t helping. It only makes me worried about our child.”

  “She’s hormonal, dude. She’ll get over it.”

  “You swear you didn’t know?”

  “What the fuck do I look like, a Jerry Springer host?”

  “You talk to her all the time! Didn’t she feel off?” he shouts. “It’s why I’ve been pulling away. I figured she was one foot out the door, heading right to you.” His eyes are full of pain, his jaw tight, and face full of unsurmountable pain. “There’s nothing going on with you two, right?” His voice is insecure and unlike the Frankie I spend most of my days with.

  “I wouldn’t do you or Loren like that, Frankie. Maybe she’s just going through the motions,” I attempt to reassure.

  Honestly, I hadn’t noticed anything about Nora. I’ve been too stuck on getting good grades so I can get to my girl fast enough. Like Frankie being nervous and jealous, I’m the same with Toby. Being away from them both has me wracked with every fear possible. Shouldn’t I be able to trust that my brother wouldn’t hurt me like that?

  But my insecurities could eat me alive. Literally. Piece by doubtful piece, and I’d let them. It’s all I know.

  Frankie comes nearly nose to nose with me. “Think it’s mine?” He shudders with his own question then inhales a drag so large I’m surprised he doesn’t pass out from lack of air.

  My surprise must be on my face.

  He shakes his head. “I’m not trying to be a dick, Jase. It’s just odd timing. And she’s been absent for weeks.”

  All true but it doesn’t feel accurate.

  “Are you projecting?” I offer, trying to understand what I’ve missed while being focused on my classes.

  “Dude, have you really not noticed shit?” he says, exasperated.

  “I’ve been kind of busy. Not only does Coach have me doing twice the work as usual for nationals, but I’ve been making sure I finish all my assignments right as class ends rather than procrastinating like I did in high school. If there were moments shit went down, and I missed it, I wouldn’t be surprised. My only goals are to graduate and get back to Loren.”

  He kicks his foot into the ground. His anger, frustration, and horror seem to be corroding his usually laid-back demeanor, and I honestly don’t know what to do for him.

  “I keep getting wasted in result of her absence. I’ve been hanging out with you constantly. The worry that you both have been fucking behind my back has been my biggest concern, and I kissed Maverick in hopes Ellie would come back to me. Fight for me. Be with me. Her mind is elsewhere. We rarely have sex, and we don’t see each other. She’s constantly making excuses as for why she can’t hang out. I’m losing her, Jase, and I didn’t even see it coming.”

  His eyes are wet with emotion, and his hands shake beside him. I’ve never seen Frankie destroyed over anything, but right now, he’s losing it.

  “What can I do?”

  “Stay away from her. I don’t know what she’s doing or why she’s acting this way, but I worry about you. I think she’s in love with you or something.”

  “She’s what?” I scoff, “that’s insane.” I lean against the bricks, breathing in the last of my smoke, wanting nothing more than to keep inhaling the fumes like the addict I am.

  He stares me down, his face muddled with a barrage of emotions. “In high school, she was obsessed with you. I actually think she was only friends with me for that reason, and for the fact that it’d get her closer to you.”

  I’m momentarily thrown off. Nora in love with me?

  “You’re crazy, dude,” I say, scratching my head. He has to be. That’s insane.

  “Haven’t you noticed she hangs out with you every chance she gets? She doesn’t even hang out with me,” he complains, his anger abated by sadness.

  “I haven’t, no.”

  Throwing my cigarette into the ground and rubbing it out, I drag my palm down my face. This is all news to me. I remember her being obsessed with me before I met Lo, but I never imagined she’d go through such lengths.

  “I’ll stay away,” I add, needing to get back to my dorm and be away from dramatic bullshit.

  “Thank you,” he conveys his gratitude. “You’re a really good friend, Jase.”

  I laugh at that. “I’m going to head out,” I announce with a nod. This entire night went from bad to worse, and it has nothing to do with me.

  “Need a ride?” he offers, holding his keys out to me.

  “No, I’m going to walk off this booze.”r />
  “See you at practice on Monday.”

  I nod again, placing my hands in my pockets. This isn’t good. I need Lo.

  chapter twenty-six

  Past

  Lo

  I’m pregnant.

  Me. Pregnant.

  I stare at the two lines on the stick, the one that tells me that I’m carrying a child. I spent nearly twenty dollars on this shit. I knew it would be accurate. Now, I wish it wasn’t.

  I’m not even done with my degree. How the hell am I supposed to afford, let alone raise, a child?

  And Jase doesn’t know. He’s not around. God, how can I be so stupid? Will he stick it out or run? I’m head over heels for him, but does he feel the same? It may be three years of love and lust and everything in between, but a kid will change everything.

  After our first time, I took the day after pill. Then, I got on birth control. Not the pills. My mom said I’m a child of birth control. Instead, I do the shots four times a year. Did I miss my last one?

  Has it really passed?

  I open my calendar on my phone, checking the dates. September was my last shot. That was six months ago. Shit! Shit! Shit! That’s long overdue. With spring break around the corner, it was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t even realize I missed the check-in date.

  Will Jase want a child?

  Is he even going to stay with me?

  I grip the stick that points out my mistake.

  Mistake?

  No. He or she is a child made out of love by two people who love each other. There’s no mistake in that, not a single one.

  I close my eyes, praying for answers, wishing for the strength to tell Jase, to tell him and hope he stays. He wouldn’t bail, right? He’s a good guy, a great one. I love him. He loves me.

  It all makes sense now, my weird cravings for cilantro-slathered salsa, my abhorrence to eggs, and the constant emotional strain from Jase’s distance.

  Like how he missed our phone date and made some crap excuse as to why. He probably was at a party, probably met tons of girls, and is moving on from me. And that bit about Frankie and Ellie? Married? No way! Ellie wouldn’t keep that from me...

  My stomach lurches, and I’m running to the bathroom quicker than I can think vomit.

  After lurching the acid in my body since I haven’t had a proper meal in over a day, I jump into the shower.

  My fear of love was strong in high school. It was even warranted. My dad broke my mom. My dad had an emotional affair with a coworker after having another affair which brought Nate into the world. He swore it never went further than that the second time, and my mom eventually forgave him. It took me longer, but it made me realize that without pain, the love shared between two people wouldn’t be as strong. Without heartbreak, you’d never get the sweet caress of love’s embrace. If I have to know every agony on this planet to feel what I do for Jase, I would.

  I never saw him coming, not with his sweetness, his boyish charm, or even the way he seems to peek into my soul. He’s the biggest curveball in love’s history, and instead of batting, I let it hit me.

  I’ve fallen in deep with this boy, and each tug on my heartstrings reminds me that all of this could end. Jase could break me, he could even abandon our child, and it would be worth it. He changed the way I see love and showed me not everything about love leads to deceit and tragedy. It can give hope, motivation, and a child I’ll love until the end of time.

  My heart swells, and the nausea and anxiety over telling him disappears. A new form of love has planted roots inside my chest, and with or without Jase, I’ll have that.

  My phone rings as I’m drying off. Mom? It’s like she has this wavelength with me. Whenever I’m distressed, she’s here. Whenever I’m hurting, she’s calling me and not the other way around. Whenever I’m missing her, it’s like she knows. She’s clairvoyant, I swear.

  “Hey, Mom.” I try to sound casual but fail massively.

  “I knew it!” she sounds out, like it’s an a-ha! moment and not my life. “What’s wrong, baby girl?”

  The tears come. Hearing her always sends me into an emotional spin when I’m hurting, and these damn hormones don’t help either.

  “Aw, sweetie. Please don’t cry,” she soothes, her voice soft and gentle, the sound that always eases my heartache and sadness. “Tell me what has you so upset.”

  The thought of telling her I’m pregnant and only nineteen scares me. I’m still in college, still learning about the world, and haven’t even started my career yet. She’s going to be so disappointed in me.

  “M-Mom,” I start, my chin shaking with the tears leaking from my face. “I’m pregnant.”

  “Oh, honey,” she says. She doesn’t seem angry, instead, she sounds almost relieved that it isn’t something worse. “I honestly thought you were going to tell me you and Jason broke up.”

  “We might after I tell him,” I cry, gripping my body with one arm, offering myself the only comfort I’ll get until he reassures me.

  “No, baby. He loves you. When we first met, that night he asked you on a date, I knew. It was in that moment when I realized he’d do anything for you. Almost like fate. You know that silly saying about a person being made for you? That’s Jason, honey. He’s your person, and this pregnancy, it won’t change his love for you.”

  I’m bawling, my face a sodden mess. I sit on the toilet, knowing if I don’t, I’ll fall from the strength of my despair. What if she’s right? What if he does love me? What if he does stay?

  “I do wish you would have waited a few years, though. You know, until you had your degree and a stable job.” She chuckles at that. “But beggars can’t be choosers, and I’m glad you told me. You know I’ll always be here. No matter what it is, I’ve always got your back.”

  A strangled sob escapes my mouth. “I love you, Mom, so so much.”

  “I love you, too. Now, cheer up, and tell my favorite son-in-law how much I love him and am excited to be a granny.”

  A gurgle of giggles leaves me. My cries mix with the chuckle sound so pathetic. “We aren’t married, Mom.”

  “You will be, baby girl. I know it. I can feel it.”

  “Okay, Mrs. Psychic. I’ll believe you.”

  “What do I always say?” she argues, chastising me.

  “Mommas are always right,” I groan and roll my eyes.

  “That’s right. Have I ever failed you?”

  “Never.”

  “I don’t ever plan to. Go back to bed, honey. It’s way too early for you to be up anyway.”

  Gone is the sweet friend. She’s back to the mom voice I always feared as a kid.

  “Couldn’t sleep, but it’s okay. I’m up already—” Right as I’m finishing my sentence, my phone rings with an incoming call. I click it over to voicemail.

  “What was that?” she asks.

  Before I can answer, it’s ringing again. What the hell? It’s only six in the morning.

  “Hey, Mom. I got to go. Someone’s calling me from a random number.

  “Okay, sweetheart. I love you to the moon.”

  “And I love you all the way back.”

  I hang up, wrapping my towel around myself even though it’s not like the caller will see me naked.

  “Hello?”

  “Renny,” Ellie sobs on the other end.

  Adrenaline kicks into me. She sounds distraught. I can hear her sobbing. Why is she calling me from a random number?

  “He’s gone,” her voice shakes as she cries.

  “W-what’re you talking about Ellie?” I ask, my body tense, waiting for her response.

  “F-Francis,” she wails, and I’m tearing off my towel, practically running to put clothes on.

  “What happened? Gone how? Did y’all break up?” I go with gentle and not overdramatic. Maybe he dumped her. She’s been acting weird lately.

  “There was a car crash last night,” she stumbles over the words. “H-he was drunk...”

  Fuck. Jase was with Francis accor
ding to his text.

  “I-is Jase?” I demand frantically. “W-was h-he...” I shudder, my entire frame jittery.

  “Jase is fine,” she states, her voice calm. Too calm.

  What?

  “He said h-he was with you guys last night,” I offer, wondering why her crying has stopped. I’m still jerking from the adrenaline and fear she put into me. My eyes are full and ready to release the most anxious tears I’ve ever had.

  “He was with Francis but left sometime last night,” she mutters, almost upset-sounding.

  “Francis is gone?” I ask timidly since she seems to have forgotten all about the man she’s in love with. The man Jase claimed she married.

  She starts her sobbing again, confusing me once more.

  “He’s dead!” she screams, forcing me to pull the phone away.

  I’m nearly dressed, after finagling my outfit on. “I’ll fly out there today. I have some cash saved—”

  “No,” she interrupts, her voice angry and not what I imagine from a brokenhearted girlfriend. “I-I’ll be fine. I just need to sleep or something.”

  “Am I missing something?” I question, my stomach uneasy with this entire conversation. Maybe it’s just the baby.

  “We broke up last night when I informed him we were pregnant.”

  No shit!

  “Y-you’re pregnant?” I whisper, shocked that we’re both with children.

  “Yes, Loren,” she bites. “I’m fucking pregnant and a widow. Now, I have to raise my child alone.”

  “Jase and I will be here,” I reassure, not knowing if it’s true.

  “Sure.”

  “I love you, Ellie,” I add, trying to send her as much comfort as I can offer.

  “Me too. I’m going to go.”

  “O-okay. Call me later?”

  “Yeah. Bye, Renny.”

  She hangs up before I can tell her goodbye, and I keep thinking why I didn’t tell her I’m pregnant too. It would have felt wrong to tell her before Jase. Somehow, telling her first would somehow taint it.

  Before I realize it, I’m calling him. “I-I’m pregnant.”

  Jase

  “I-I’m pregnant,” she practically chokes on the words.