Inhale, Exhale

by Matthews, C. L.

  “She was my best friend so, yeah. Way after the fact, she told me. She admitted that you hung out with her and made her feel special, and then she caught you and Aunt El together once.”

  My eyes must be wide as saucers because I’m stunned.

  “Yeah, Dad. You fucked around on Mom while little Gray was there.”

  I swallow thickly, my skin itching with acknowledgement. I’m a shitty husband, and Ace pointed out how shitty of a father I am.

  “While you were boning my aunt and being a father to a kid that doesn’t share your DNA, this house fell apart.”

  “Why did you never tell your mom?”

  “You really think I would tell her what you did?” he spits, his face redder than before. “She was already falling apart. She already tried killing herself. I wasn’t worsening it for a second. I kept your dirty secret, Dad, and it ruined me in the process.”

  He finally sits back down, and I’m speechless. There’s not an excuse or explanation for anything I put them through. There are no words or poetic prose to offer him that would possibly make up for my choices.

  There’s nothing.

  Just emptiness.

  Regret.

  Turmoil.

  Failure.

  “But that’s not why I’m here.” When he says that, my eyes leave the ground for a moment, connecting with his. “I’m here to tell you to get her back.”

  My forehead wrinkles in confusion, my shoulders tense with shock, my stomach feels empty with despair.

  “What?” I balk, unsure of what game he’s playing.

  “I want you to fight for her. God knows I’ll never forgive you for this, but her, my mom, your wife... she’s miserable without you, and I want you to earn her back. Not in my eyes, but in hers.”

  I have already been planning on trying to do that, but I just didn’t know how. I need a door to step through, an opening, an in. Now that it’s here, I’m shocked.

  “Right now, Dad. You don’t deserve her time. You don’t even deserve to know her, but the thing is, she still loves you. After everything you put her through, the pain, the loss, the cheating, she still loves you. She’s hurting. I can tell every time you call her and she tells you to leave her alone.”

  Every time you call her and she tells you to leave her alone.

  That’s not me.

  She doesn’t answer me.

  I’ve given her space.

  I’ve let her have her breathing room.

  Fucking. Toby.

  “I haven’t spoken to your mom since she left me,” I admit.

  He quirks an eyebrow, acting like I’m lying. “She wouldn’t talk to anyone like that, Dad. Only you.”

  “Maybe I was drunk,” I attempt. “I’ve had a lot lately.”

  His eyes speak volumes. He doesn’t believe me, but he’s smart enough to let it go. “Come back with me for dinner. It’s a start.”

  I eye him, wondering when my son became a man and how the hell it’s possible to fix things.

  “Okay,” I manage.

  chapter forty-three

  Lo

  When Ace asked if he could go see his dad, I was hurt. At first, it was shock. Then, it was pain. Was Ace picking him? Was that how this was going to be from now on? Him picking sides, me forcing them to choose, this weird bridge of emotions barely holding on?

  No.

  There are no sides.

  Just his happiness and Jazzy’s.

  Jase and I don’t need to be in the equation.

  “Okay, baby. You can go,” I reply soothingly, holding back every emotion attempting to trample me.

  He’s okay.

  We’re okay.

  This is okay.

  “I love you, Mom,” Ace comments, the tears from our earlier conversation nowhere to be seen.

  That’s all it takes. I’m bawling seconds later, the dam breaking loose. I’ve held in the loneliness, the decisions I’ve made in the past week, even the doubt from everything. He hasn’t said those four words in so long until today, I was starting to think he grew out of them entirely.

  His arms wrap around me, grounding me, giving me comfort. He and Jaz are all I need. They are all that’s necessary to weather through this storm.

  “I love you, too,” I cry.

  He eventually pulls back, kissing my forehead as I’ve done to him so many times.

  “I’ll be back, Mom, and it will all be better, I promise.”

  The boy I raised, the one wiser than his years, knows how to bring me so much peace with simple words.

  “This isn’t goodbye. Don’t worry about me.” He smiles lightly, but enough that his dimple shines through.

  I’ve miss that—his smile, the dimple, and the laughs he hasn’t had in far too long.

  Ace walks away as I straighten myself and fix my face. It isn’t until he leaves with Gene that my nerves are shot.

  A few hours later, I’m sitting with Jazzy as she watches The Little Mermaid. My phone sounds off when she’s cuddling my side. After checking and seeing it’s Tobe, I know I have to handle it.

  “I’ll be right back, Jazzy bear.”

  She smiles at me and kisses my cheek.

  Slipping away from her, I read the text message.

  Lo, this can’t wait. I know I said I’d give you space and still called you a lot this week, but I really do need you to listen.

  What are you talking about? I told you, we can’t keep doing this.

  Forget that, Sparkle. Someone is headed over to talk to you. I need you to hear them out, okay?

  I wish I could see his face. And more importantly, I wish he wasn’t talking in circles. He’s not making sense.

  Who? I text, exasperated. It’s probably Nate.

  You’ll see. Just listen to what they have to say.

  They? Stop talking in fucking riddles, Toby.

  If I told you, you wouldn’t listen. You’d think I’m bat shit. Please, for me, do this.

  I don’t owe him anything, but I’m nodding before I realize he can’t see me.

  Sure.

  Thank you, Sparkle. I love you.

  The words have such a deeper meaning now, so much more than they meant a year ago. You too, Tobe. I’ve got to go.

  Yeah. He responds. I miss you.

  I’m stuck on the words I miss you, too. I do miss him, so much, but not like I thought I would. I really did mean goodbye when we slept together. It was the permanent kind.

  Bye, Toby.

  Bye, Sparkle. His last text before I put my phone away.

  I head back to the living room and see Jaz fast asleep. Should I let her sleep before dinner or not? She’s been exhausted. Between her night terrors and Jase being distant toward her, she needs it even if I end up staying up with her tonight.

  “Loren, dear,” Millie calls out. “What are we preparing for dinner?”

  I smile, knowing she trusts and enjoys my cooking more than my kids. “Lemon, honey and pepper chicken with asparagus, Brussels, and salmon?” The thought has me excited. It’s been years since I’ve prepped this dish.

  “Oooh!” she squeaks, her eyes lightening up. “Yes, that sounds amazing!”

  “Then, we should get started soon.”

  As soon as those words leave my mouth, there’s a knock at the door.

  Millie goes to get it, but I stop her. “Wash the veggies. I’ll check the door.”

  She smiles and gestures for me to scuttle along.

  Heading to the door, I open it and see Ellie. What the fuck is she doing here?

  I can’t help but scowl, nearly closing my eyes with my glare.

  “Can we talk?” she asks.

  She seems sincere enough, but I thought I knew her, knew what she was capable of. Is this who Toby was talking about? He wants me to talk with her? He can’t be serious.

  He has to be delusional.

  “Did Toby send you?”

  Her eyes widen a smidge before she corrects her face. “You mad about that?”

&nbs
p; “Very.”

  “Please, Lo. I just want to get stuff off my chest, and I know, regardless of how much you hate me, you feel the same. For old time’s sake, let’s go for a drive?”

  “Loren, honey,” Millie sounds out from behind me, coming around the door. “What are you doing here, Eleanor?” Her bitter tone toward Ellie has me nearly smiling in victory.

  “I just wanted to explain some things to Lo, to apologize. She doesn’t have to forgive me. I just want her to hear me out.”

  When she repeats it to Millie, something clicks. I need to do this. This will help me step closer to the end and bring me more closure so I can move the fuck on.

  “Okay,” I say at the same time Millie says, “leave.”

  I give Millie a smile of some confidence then shoo her away. If there’s anyone in the world I trust most, it’s Millie with my child.

  Suddenly, it hits me. I don’t see Ellie’s daughter. “Where’s Gray?”

  She rolls her eyes at me, like it’s the last thing on her mind. “She’s in the car.”

  The way she says it makes me believe she couldn’t care less where Gray is, and that puts me off.

  “Bring her inside,” I demand. “I’d rather her not stay with us while we talk.”

  She gives me a small glare, her nostrils flaring, as if it’s the last thing she wants. Why would she want Gray to witness our bullshit? That’s not what an impressionable female teenager needs to see, let alone hear.

  When I don’t budge, she groans. “Fine. I’ll go get her.”

  As soon as Gray is inside, chatting with Millie, I follow Ellie to her Sedan.

  She’s stiff and weird, looking around us as if expecting someone to show up. Jase? Is she searching for him? He’s not here. He won’t ever be. He’s given up. I waited these weeks, hoping he would fight for me, for us, for once, but he never showed up. Texts and calls aren’t enough. Being here. Being present. Fighting. That’s what matters.

  I wouldn’t run back to him. I deserve more than that. It just gutted me that he didn’t come to me. Fight for me. Love me.

  “Are you getting in?” Ellie nearly snaps. Her mood has changed a ton since leaving the door.

  Instead of nodding or even answering, I just get in and buckle my seatbelt.

  She’s quiet as she reverses out of the driveway. Instead of taking the normal main road out of the area, she heads toward the toll bridge.

  “I’m sorry it had to come to this, Lo.”

  “Come to what?”

  “Me fighting for the man I love.”

  “So, we’re taking this route. Awesome.”

  “I loved him first,” she growls, her hands gripping the steering wheel, her knuckles turning white from the force.

  “You had a crush, and it seemed like that passed when you got with Francis. I didn’t think you were in love with him,” I argue.

  She started dating Francis and stopped being flirty with Jase. She started badgering him, joking, giving him a hard time... She didn’t seem to care I was dating him.

  “Yeah, well, I wasn’t. I only got with Frankie to make him jealous. I’d been trying to get with Jase long before he even met you. You came between us. When he broke up with you, I nearly cheered, but then you went right back to him...”

  Her voice is deep, the pain obvious, and the hatred even more so apparent. The woman I’ve spent my entire life getting to know has hid something monumentally huge from me.

  “Why didn’t you move on?” I ask. “He wasn’t yours.”

  She looks at me, so much disdain in her features that it takes me aback. “Little miss fucking princess had to take what was mine then has the fucking audacity to come at me?”

  Her voice rings in my ears. I’m so glad Gray isn’t here to witness this. It won’t go well.

  “You’re delusional! That was almost twenty years ago!” I shout.

  She doesn’t understand. She must be crazy. He married me. He chose me, and she just waited around?

  “He was mine!” she emphasizes like I didn’t hear her the last two times.

  “No, Ellie. He picked me. Not you.”

  “Look at how well that worked out. I won in the end. I got him. He just needs you gone before he can love me.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” I ask, feeling goosebumps prick my skin.

  She sounds deranged, like this was her plan all along, that she planned this for twenty-fucking-years just to have the man I had.

  I see the toll bridge. It’s been vacant for years, and it’s old and abandoned. Not many people use it anymore. It’s weakened, so it’s used more for scenery these days.

  When I peer back at her, I noticed a gun pointed at me. Guns aren’t legal to carry in California, yet here she is with some black gun, directed right at me.

  “Ellie, please stop the car.”

  Her eyes meet mine. The unhinged look isn’t pretty on her. “Not until you’re gone. Not until I get what’s mine, not until he only wants me. It’ll be perfect, Lo. Like after Francis, he will come back to me. He will pick me. He will love me.”

  My eyes connect with her dead ones. She turns the safety off the gun, cocking it in the next second.

  I grab the wheel of the car, and we careen toward the barrier. She screams. The gun goes off, and the car breaks through the bridge.

  Then, we’re rolling over, and the last thought on my mind is thank God Gray is okay.

  chapter forty-four

  Jase

  Ace and I don’t talk much on the way out here. I’m sure it’ll be like that for a while, but he’s trying for her and her happiness.

  Right as I’m pulling up, something in my gut tells me something's wrong. In the driveway is my brother, Gene, and a car I don’t recognize.

  My gaze scans the porch. I see several people, but it’s dark out, and I can’t make out any of the faces.

  “Who’s that?” Ace asks next to me, his eyes wide with the same worry I feel.

  I jump out of the car as soon as it’s stopped. My blood is pumping too fast, my heart picking up its pace when I see who’s on the porch.

  Francis and Nate.

  What. The. Fuck.

  My eyes must be lying. They must be. There’s no goddamn way this is him. No way.

  When Lo is nowhere in sight, my nerves run wild.

  “Where’s Lo?” I demand, instead of asking what the fuck a dead man is doing at my mom’s house.

  “She left with Ellie about ten minutes ago,” my mom answers.

  Francis’ spine stiffens, his posture changing like he didn’t bother asking this before. “Where?” he asks, his voice huskier than I remember. It has been nearly twenty years. Why the fuck is he here? How is he not buried six-feet deep? Am I in a dream?

  “I don’t know,” Mom answers. Her worried gaze lands on me. “She said she wanted to talk, convinced Lo into her car and drove off.”

  “We’ve got to go after them!” Nate, Toby, and Francis say all at once.

  “What the fuck am I missing?” I bark, my heart practically jumping out of my chest to find its other half.

  “My death,” Francis explains, “was all Eleanor’s doing.”

  Mom and Gene gasp while I’m stuck here fearing for my wife’s well-being. How long has it been since they left?

  “I’m leaving, I can’t do this. She needs me.”

  “You don’t know which way they went!” my mom shouts after me.

  “Go east,” I yell at Toby and the other guys. “I’ll go west.”

  I run to my car like a bat out of hell, racing toward what I hope is nothing. I picked west because it’s where the bridge is. Something told me this was the way, that something bad is about to happen.

  Driving thirty miles over the limit, I race to the bridge and see my worst nightmare ahead. The right side of the barrier is busted through. Before thinking better of it, I stop my car, run to the side, and jump over after catching a glimpse of Ellie’s car beneath me. Fight or flight has always been m
y driving force. It’s always been fight, though. I’m not flighty or scared unless it comes to my marriage apparently.

  The water is only about fifteen feet here and the tail end of the car is barely sticking up. The water must already be filling the cab.

  I swim beneath, glad there’s a glimmer of light from the bridge’s lights. In the driver’s side, I see Ellie. She’s unconscious, a huge gash on her head. Then, I see my wife, a halo of hope and beauty and love. She’s awake. I come to her side, kicking at the door, but she’s shaking her head at me. Almost telling me no. Why no? Why not her?

  She shakes her head vehemently, pointing at Ellie, almost as if saying get her. Is it the baby? It must be the baby. My wife, the one with the biggest heart, wants me to save an unborn child over her.

  Her eyes beg me, but I’m not willing to give up her life for Ellie’s. Not a goddamn chance.

  She shakes her head when I try again. Gritting my teeth, I give in and go to Ellie’s side. I attempt to break the glass, knowing it’ll be easier when the car is filled. I wait, praying Lo can hold her breath, hating that she’s forcing this on me. It’s her. It’ll always be her.

  I come back up for air, panting and praying I can accomplish everything I need. Then, I dive back under when the car finally submerges. I kick open Ellie’s window, but when I look over at my wife, her eyes are no longer aware, her body is no longer moving. My panic to save her overtakes my panic to save a child and its mother.

  She’s my wife.

  She’s my everything.

  I’m nothing without her.

  Rushing back to Lo’s side, I kick and kick and kick until, finally, the window comes out. I pull her body, the one I’ve loved for years, the same one that carried our beautiful children, the one I betrayed. It feels so weak, so frail.

  I kick, my chest aching from exertion, nearly stopping from lack of oxygen. Adrenaline is a finicky bitch. It can give you so much strength and power, or it can kill you just the same. Luckily, God is looking out for my wife, the same one who doesn’t believe in his existence.

  We break through the water, and it kills me to heave a breath. I’ve never felt a tightness in my body quite like this. My head throbs, and my eyes burn.

  Swimming her over to the underpass area where tourists fish, I lay her as flat as humanly possible. There’s shouting nearby and sirens. I have no clue who could have called the cops, it sure as hell wasn’t me. As soon as I saw the bridge, I should have called. I’m so fucking stupid. If my wife wasn’t here, cold and dead as the sea, I would scream for help. I learned CPR. Every manager at my building had to, and being the CEO, it felt necessary to learn as well.