The Absolutely Boring Life of Mya

by Dora Okeyo



  THE ABSOLUTELY BORING LIFE OF MYA.

  By: Dora Achieng Okeyo

  Dear Bored person,

  Well that makes two of us. You must be so bored that you had to read about my life!

  Well, forget that first line scratch it my name is Mya. I am some 22 year old girl who looks like she has everything going for her but deep down I swear I am a mystery. At times I look at myself in the mirror and say “Gosh! You are weird!” So now you know three things about me: my name, age and status. I am Mya, 22 years old and completely boring! So, what else? I love reading books. I drink loads of soda too. In fact I like it that they tell you nowadays how many calories you are consuming. I love taking Fanta Pineapple! Isn’t it odd that when you drink the 500ml soda they only tell you how many calories you consume for half of that? It is boldly written “124 calories per 250ml”, now isn’t that downright wrong? They should say “248 calories in this!” My friends do not take soda as I do because they fear they will grow fat. I look at them and think Africans! You are to have some fat! I always tell them that the origin of skinny lies in Barbie doll and she’s white! The first black Barbie doll was unleashed in 1998. That was after White Barbie had sold more than expected from the sixties! So I drink soda and other than that I am collector. I do not collect stamps or pictures, gosh those are too common! Well, I wish I did at times because then it would be better…but I collect quotes. Yes, I collect quotes and always have something to say about them. I rate the quotes and share them with my friends. So who are these friends who do not want to gain weight? Well, there’s Lucy and Diana. I prefer to call them “L” and “D” hope you can catch up! So, L has this thing going on for her-she is DDG- drop dead gorgeous. She is also smart and is studying Accounts. D on the other hand, is sarcastic and quick with her feet. She has a black belt in karate and is always ready to fight. She is doing Communications. We have been friends for over ten years and they know am crazy. Well, not crazy really but they think am funny which I do not understand. My life is just plain! Yeah…wait another thing I love listening to music. I cannot listen to anything soulful or reggae, so scratch those too. Hope you are awesome and simply dozing off by now because there’s more of this boring stuff coming right up!

  Ttyl,

  QOB (Queen of Boredom)

  Session 2: Truth or Dare

  I will tell you the truth, the whole of it as I know it in this session. So, we’ll stick to Mya because that name works for me. So what do I look like? Well, try having a normal person with hair so sleek and smooth any Asian would think they’re a fake! Yes, I do have silky smooth hair that is not a weave! I also have some deep black eyes. I have a round face. I weigh 57 kilograms and my height is somewhere between 5’7” and 5’8”. I just graduated from the university with a degree in English! Yes, I actually have a degree in English, so if you encounter any Grammar quirks know that some trend of thought interrupted my writing! I graduated with honors can you believe it? Well, my parents could because they always knew I was weird. I studied English because I love reading books and also writing some articles. I have written at least three articles that have featured in the Dailies. I got my pay and spent it on a book, soda and pizza. So now you know where to find me in the city.

  I wake up at 6:00am to listen to radio and then walk around the house doing chores. I like cleaning and cooking too. My parents leave for work mostly by 6:30am and they get home late into the night. I used to ask what kept them but after getting a seven letter word response more than ten times I gave up. Each evening the answer would be “traffic!” I am taking a break from school as I apply for jobs. It may sound crazy but I would like to stay home and sleep forever! I love my sleep too. I know with time I will be working with a media house doing some editing for them and then sooner or later I will be either a gossip or truth seeker. See, with journalists you are either of the two. My bad, I just messed up in that previous sentence “either…or” that’s the rule. Well, forget rules for now, what was I telling you about? Yeah, journalists are either gossips or truth seekers. Since we have very few shows on air that are investigative 85% of our journalists are gossips! I also got the chance to intern at some publication house but I turned it down. I cannot handle the pressure of reading boring manuscripts for a meager pay! I will have to stick to a place full of gossips for my financial benefit! It’s been a tough year for me because not so much has occurred like I scripted! There had to be girls who pissed me off, lecturers who delayed submitting my grades, friends who irked me, and to top it all, this dude who simply thought I could be some toy he could play with. Yeah, sucks when you realize that the guy you fancy is dating some freshman on campus behind your back. He was cute, tall and a hopeless romantic. Now I cannot talk about him worse off give you the full details on paper. So scratch him too! I had set my mind on doing my own stuff and moving on. I had set my mind to simply relaxing and being single. I did not know how beautiful the single life would be for me. First let me tell you how good it is; financially, emotionally, socially, physically, and academically. Financially speaking, I saved the cash I’d spend talking to the guy, and also the money I used to buy stuff to look cute like gloss, dresses, heels and good perfume. That’s like enough money to buy a 500ml Fanta Pineapple soda every day! Emotionally speaking I saved myself the pressure of feeling empty without talking to him or spending time with him. I had enough time to see through the lies other guys fed my friends and it made me stronger. Socially speaking well I had time to do whatever I wanted without wondering whether he could accompany me like a dog on a leash! Physically speaking I did take time off to work on my dance routines and caught up with my friends at church whom I barely hang out with because I was often swooning after a guy. Now I am more flexible and I am happy when I attend all dance rehearsals at church. I know that somehow the 248 calories I take have to be burned down! Then there’s the big one, my final project paper was on Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice” and how much books on romance have changed since the 16th Century. This was inspired by the guy who broke my heart and, guess what I scored a pure A and was invited by my Professor to lecture in his Masters class. It is true that the novels written in the 16th Century were well thought out and so full of structure that you would be mesmerized by each word and each character. If anyone feeds on Mills & Boons they are a lost bunch! Romance in the 19th century has become too pornographic and at times you do not feel the genuine emotion and concern of the actors. Most of the Mills & Boon novels I have encountered portray the women as sexual objects or tools and the men as users. Classics have lessons their characters grow. I also chose PnP because I love Jane Austen and there’s also Arthur Koestler-some amazing Russian author of the book “Darkness at Noon.” So, given how hard it was a year-it ended well and I am glad it did. So just when I thought that cupid would send me to the infirmary he decided to aim three arrows my way! The chubby cherub in a diaper sent three arrows straight through my heart and I couldn’t even punch him! The next time I see cupid I will pull a gun on him or simply swing a bat his direction then go for a home run! So, who are the unlucky guys? They are David, Wayne and Clive!

  Ttyl, QOT (Queen of Truth)

  Session 3: Prince Charming

  Yeah blame cupid for sending David, Wayne and Clive my way! So before I start complaining and you continue snoring…let me break it down for you.

  David

  He’s studying Political Science in a private university and is in his final year of study. We went to the same primary school. He was in the rose stream while I was in the lily stream. He is almost 5’7”, dark and walks like he’s the illest thing around. He asked me for some music albums I had in my collection and then asked that we meet for
lunch some time via Facebook. I met him in town one Saturday spotting a beautiful black dress and heels. He was charming and our conversation was mostly about primary school and our class mates. I had a good laugh. He became attached after that. Well, not attached per se, but he is a good friend. He has this air of arrogance that is more like an aura than an aspect of his personality. He is also good at striking conversations and he gets along with my folks and my elder brother. They get along best with my brother because both of them have a background in Political Science! He came to know me better when we’d take walks and talk about anything that was on his mind. He is very interesting. I think cupid missed his target, because David is most definitely a no!

  Wayne

  Wayne is six feet tall and he graduated from school with a degree in Math. He works at some bank now and is starting his masters’ class which is a very good move if you ask me. I have known Wayne longer than David. He is not so dark, and he is very funny. I laugh more in his company and he