The BFG

by Roald Dahl

  'Pretty ridiculous,' Sophie said. All the same, she couldn't resist reaching down and pressing her own tummy button to see if it worked. Nothing happened.

  'Dreams is very mystical things,' the BFG said. 'Human beans is not understanding them at all. Not even their brainiest prossefors is understanding them. Has you seen enough?'

  'Just this last one,' Sophie said. 'This one here.'

  She started reading:

  I HAS RITTEN A BOOK AND IT IS SO EXCITING NOBODY CAN PUT IT DOWN. AS SOON AS YOU HAS RED THE FIRST LINE YOU IS SO HOOKED ON IT YOU CANNOT STOP UNTIL THE LAST PAGE. IN ALL THE CITIES PEEPLE IS WALKING IN THE STREETS BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEIR FACES IS BURIED IN MY BOOK AND DENTISTS IS READING IT AND TRYING TO FILL TEETHS AT THE SAME TIME BUT NOBODY MINDS BECAUSE THEY IS ALL READING IT TOO IN THE DENTIST'S CHAIR. DRIVERS IS READING IT WHILE DRIVING AND CARS IS CRASHING ALL OVER THE COUNTRY. BRAIN SURGEONS IS READING IT WHILE THEY IS OPERATING ON BRAINS AND AIRLINE PILOTS IS READING IT AND GOING TO TIMBUCTOO INSTEAD OF LONDON. FOOTBALL PLAYERS IS READING IT ON THE FIELD BECAUSE THEY CAN'T PUT IT DOWN AND SO IS OLIMPICK RUNNERS WHILE THEY IS RUNNING. EVERYBODY HAS TO SEE WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT IN MY BOOK AND WHEN I WAKE UP I IS STILL TINGLING WITH EXCITEMENT AT BEING THE GREATEST RITER THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN UNTIL MY MUMMY COMES IN AND SAYS I WAS LOOKING AT YOUR ENGLISH EXERCISE BOOK LAST NITE AND REALLY YOUR SPELLING IS ATROSHUS SO IS YOUR PUNTULASHON.

  'That's enough for now,' the BFG said. 'There is diluons more but my arm is getting tired holding you up.'

  'What are all those over there?' Sophie said. 'Why have they got such tiny labels?'

  'That,' the BFG said, 'is because one day I is catching so many dreams I is not having the time or energy to write out long labels. But there is enough to remind me.'

  'Can I look?' Sophie said.

  The long-suffering BFG carried her across to the jars she was pointing to. Sophie read them rapidly, one after the other:

  I IS CLIMBING MOUNT EVERAST WITH JUST MY PUSSY-CAT FOR CUMPANY.

  I IS INVENTING A CAR THAT RUNS ON TOOTHPASTE.

  I IS ABLE TO MAKE THE ELEKTRIK LITES GO ON AND OFF JUST BY WISHING IT.

  I IS ONLY AN EIGHT YEAR OLD LITTLE BOY BUT I IS GROWING A SPLENDID BUSHY BEARD AND ALL THE OTHER BOYS IS JALOUS.

  I IS ABEL TO JUMP OUT OF ANY HIGH WINDOW AND FLOTE DOWN SAFELY.

  I HAS A PET BEE THAT MAKES ROCK AND ROLL MUSIK WHEN IT FLIES.

  'What amazes me,' Sophie said, 'is how you ever learned to write in the first place.'

  'Ah,' said the BFG. 'I has been wondering how long it is before you is asking me that.'

  'Considering you never went to school, I think it's quite marvellous,' Sophie said. 'How did you learn?'

  The BFG crossed the cave and opened a tiny secret door in the wall. He took out a book, very old and tattered. By human standards, it was an ordinary sized book, but it looked like a postage stamp in his huge hand.

  'One night,' he said, 'I is blowing a dream through a window and I sees this book lying on the little boy's bedroom table. I wanted it so very badly, you understand. But I is refusing to steal it. I would never do that.'

  'So how did you get it?' Sophie asked.

  'I borrowed it,' the BFG said, smiling a little. 'Just for a short time I borrowed it.'

  'How long have you had it?' Sophie asked.

  'Perhaps only about eighty years,' the BFG said. 'Soon I shall be putting it back.'

  'And that's how you taught yourself to write?' Sophie asked him.

  'I is reading it hundreds of times,' the BFG said. 'And I is still reading it and teaching new words to myself and how to write them. It is the most scrum-diddlyumptious story.'

  Sophie took the book out of his hand. 'Nicholas Nickleby,' she read aloud.

  'By Dahl's Chickens,' the BFG said.

  'By who?' Sophie said.

  Just then, there came a tremendous noise of galloping feet from outside the cave. 'What's that?' Sophie cried.

  'That is all the giants zippfizzing off to another country to guzzle human beans,' the BFG said. He quickly popped Sophie into his waistcoat pocket, then hurried to the cave entrance and rolled back the stone.

  Sophie, peeping out of her spy-hole, saw all nine of the fearsome giants coming past at full gallop.

  'Where is you off to tonight?' shouted the BFG.

  'We is all of us flushbunking off to England tonight,' answered the Fleshlumpeater as they went galloping past. 'England is a luctuous land and we is fancying a few nice little English chiddlers.'

  'I,' shouted the Maidmasher, 'is knowing where there is a gigglehouse for girls and I is guzzling myself full as a frothblower!'

  'And I knows where there is a bogglebox for boys!' shouted the Gizzardgulper. 'All I has to do is reach in and grab myself a handful! English boys is tasting extra lickswishy!'

  In a few seconds, the nine galloping giants were out of sight.

  'What did he mean?' Sophie said, poking her head out of the pocket. 'What is a gigglehouse for girls?'

  'He is meaning a girls' school,' the BFG said. 'He will be eating them by the bundle.'

  'Oh no!' cried Sophie.

  'And boys from a boys' school,' said the BFG.

  'It mustn't happen!' Sophie cried out. 'We've got to stop them! We can't just sit here and do nothing!'

  'There's not a thing we can do,' the BFG said. 'We is helpless as horsefeathers.' He sat down on a large craggy blue rock near the entrance to his cave. He took Sophie from his pocket and put her beside him on the rock. 'It is now quite safe for you to be outside until they is coming back,' he said.

  The sun had dipped below the horizon and it was getting dark.

  The Great Plan

  'We've absolutely got to stop them!' Sophie cried. 'Put me back in your pocket quick and we'll chase after them and warn everyone in England they're coming.'

  'Redunculus and um-possiple,' the BFG said. 'They is going two times as fast as me and they is finishing their guzzle before we is halfway.'

  'But we can't just sit here doing nothing!' Sophie cried. 'How many girls and boys are they going to eat tonight?'

  'Many' the BFG said. 'The Fleshlumpeating Giant alone has a most squadding whoppsy appetite.'

  'Will he snatch them out of their beds while they're sleeping?'

  'Like peas out of a poddle,' the BFG said.

  'I can't bear to think of it!' Sophie cried.

  'Then don't,' the BFG said. 'For years and years I is sitting here on this very rock every night after night when they is galloping away, and I is feeling so sad for all the human beans they is going to gobble up. But I has had to get used to it. There is nothing I can do. If I wasn't a titchy little runty giant only twenty-four feet high then I would be stopping them. But that is absolutely out of the window.'

  'Do you always know where they're going?' Sophie asked.

  'Always,' the BFG said. 'Every night they is yelling at me as they go booding past. The other day they was yelling "We is off to Mrs Sippi and Miss Souri to guzzle them both!"'

  'Disgusting,' Sophie said. 'I hate them.'

  She and the Big Friendly Giant sat quietly side by side on the blue rock in the gathering dusk. Sophie had never felt so helpless in her life. After a while, she stood up and cried out, 'I can't stand it! Just think of those poor girls and boys who are going to be eaten alive in a few hours' time! We can't just sit here and do nothing! We've got to go after those brutes!'

  'No,' the BFG said.

  'We must!' Sophie cried. 'Why won't you go?'

  The BFG sighed and shook his head firmly. 'I has told you five or six times,' he said, 'and the third will be the last. I is never showing myself to human beans.'

  'Why ever not?'

  'If I do, they will be putting me in the zoo with all the jiggyraffes and cattypiddlers.'

  'Nonsense,' Sophie said.

  'And they will be sending you straight back to a norphanage,' the BFG went on. 'Grown-up human beans is not famous for their kindnesses. They
is all squifflerotters and grinksludgers.'

  'That simply isn't true!' Sophie cried angrily. 'Some of them are very kind indeed.'

  'Who?' the BFG said. 'Name one.'

  'The Queen of England,' Sophie said. 'You can't call her a squifflerotter or a grinksludger.'

  'Well...' the BFG said.

  'You can't call her a squeakpip or a notmucher either,' Sophie said, getting angrier and angrier.

  'The Fleshlumpeater is longing dearly to guzzle her up,' the BFG said, smiling a little now.

  'Who, the Queen?' Sophie cried, aghast.

  'Yes,' the BFG answered. 'Fleshlumpeater says he is never eating a queen and he thinks perhaps she has an especially scrumdiddlyumptious flavour.'

  'How dare he!' Sophie cried.

  'But Fleshlumpeater says there is too many soldiers around her Palace and he dursent try it.'

  'He'd better not!' Sophie said.

  'He is also saying he would like very much to guzzle one of the soldiers in his pretty red suit but he is worried about those big black furry hats they is wearing. He thinks they might be sticking in his diroat.'

  'I hope he chokes,' Sophie said.

  'Fleshlumpeater is a very careful giant,' the BFG said.

  Sophie was silent for a few moments. Then suddenly, in a voice filled with excitement, she cried out, 'I've got it! By golly, I think I've got it!'

  'Got what?' asked the BFG.

  'The answer!' cried Sophie. 'We'll go to the Queen! It's a terrific idea! If I went and told the Queen about those disgusting man-eating giants, I'm sure she'd do something about it!'

  The BFG looked down at her sadly and shook his head. 'She is never believing you,' he said. 'Never in a month of Mondays.'

  'I think she would.'

  'Never,' the BFG said. 'It is sounding such a wonky tall story, the Queen will be laughing and saying "What awful rubbsquash!" '

  'She would not!'

  'Of course she would,' the BFG said. 'I has told you before that human beans is simply not believing in giants.'

  'Then it's up to us to find a way of making her believe in them,' Sophie said.

  'And how is you getting in to see the Queen anyway?' the BFG asked.

  'Now hold on a sec,' Sophie said. 'Just you hold on a sec because I've got another idea.'

  'Your ideas is full of crodswoggle,' the BFG said.

  'Not this one,' Sophie said. 'You say that if we tell the Queen, she would never believe us?'

  'I is certain she wouldn't,' the BFG said.

  'But we aren't going to tell her!' Sophie said excitedly. 'We don't have to tell her! We'll make her dream it!'

  'That is an even more frothbungling suggestion,' the BFG said. 'Dreams is lots of fun but nobody is believing in dreams either. You is only believing in a dream while you is actually dreaming it. But as soon as you is waking up you is saying "Oh thank goodness it was only a dream".'

  'Don't you worry about that part of it,' Sophie said. 'I can fix that.'

  'Never can you fix it,' the BFG said.

  'I can! I swear I can! But first of all, let me ask you a very important question. Here it is. Can you make a person dream absolutely anything in the world?'

  'Anything you like,' the BFG said proudly.

  'If I said I wanted to dream that I was in a flying bathtub with silver wings, could you make me dream it?'

  'I could,' the BFG said.

  'But how?' Sophie said. 'You obviously don't have exactly that dream in your collection.'

  'I do not,' the BFG said. 'But I could soon be mixing it up.'

  'How could you mix it up?'

  'It is a little bit like mixing a cake,' the BFG said. 'If you is putting the right amounts of all the different things into it, you is making the cake come out any way you want, sugary, splongy curranty, Christmassy or grobswitchy. It is the same with dreams.'

  'Go on,' Sophie said.

  'I has diluons of dreams on my shelfs, right or left?'

  'Right,' Sophie said.

  'I has dreams about bathtubs, lots of them. I has dreams about silver wings. I has dreams about flying. So all I has to do is mix those dreams together in the proper way and I is very quickly making a dream where you is flying in a bathtub with silver wings.'

  'I see what you mean,' Sophie said. 'But I didn't know you could mix one dream with another.'

  'Dreams like being mixed,' the BFG answered. 'They is getting very lonesome all by themselves in those glassy bottles.'

  'Right,' Sophie said. 'Now then, do you have dreams about the Queen of England?'

  'Lots of them,' the BFG said.

  'And about giants?'

  'Of course,' the BFG said.

  'And about giants eating people?'

  'Swiggles of them,' the BFG said.

  'And about little girls like me?'

  'Those is commonest of all,' the BFG said. 'I has bottles and bottles of dreams about little girls.'

  'And you could mix them all up just as I want you to?' Sophie asked, getting more and more excited.

  'Of course,' the BFG said. 'But how is this helping us! I think you is barking up the wrong dog.'

  'Now hold on,' Sophie said. 'Listen carefully. I want you to mix a dream which you will blow into the Queen of England's bedroom when she is asleep. And this is how it will go.'

  'Now hang on a mintick,' the BFG said. 'How is I possibly going to get near enough to the Queen of England's bedroom to blow in my dream? You is talking dumbsilly.'

  'I'll tell you that later,' Sophie said. 'For the moment please listen carefully. Here is the dream I want you to mix. Are you paying attention?'

  'Very close,' the BFG said.

  'I want the Queen to dream that nine disgusting giants, each one about fifty feet tall, are galloping to England in the night. She must dream their names as well. What are their names again?'

  'Fleshlumpeater,' the BFG said. 'Manhugger. Bonecruncher. Ghildchewer. Meatdripper, Gizzard-gulper. Maidmasher. Bloodbottler. And the Butcher Boy.'

  'Let her dream all those names,' Sophie said. 'And let her dream that they will be creeping into England in the depths of the witching hour and snatching little boys and girls from their beds. Let her dream that they will be reaching into the bedroom windows and pulling the little boys and girls out of their beds and then...' Sophie paused. 'Do they eat them on the spot or do they carry them away first?' she asked.

  'They is usually just popping them straight into their mouths like popcorn,' the BFG said.

  'Put that in the dream,' Sophie said. 'And then... then the dream must say that when their tummies are full, they will go galloping back to Giant Country where no one can find them.'

  'Is that all?' the BFG said.

  'Certainly not,' Sophie said. 'You must then explain to the Queen in her dream that there is a Big Friendly Giant who can tell her where all those beasts are living, so that she can send her soldiers and her armies to capture them once and for all. And now let her dream one last and very important thing. Let her dream that there is a little girl called Sophie sitting on her window-sill who will tell her where the Big Friendly Giant is hiding.'

  'Where is he hiding?' asked the BFG.

  'We'll come to that later,' Sophie said. 'So the Queen dreams her dream, right?'

  'Right,' the BFG said.

  'Then she wakes up and the first thing she thinks is oh what a horrid dream. I'm so glad it was only a dream. And then she looks up from her pillow and what does she see?'

  'What does she see?' the BFG asked.

  'She sees a little girl called Sophie sitting on her window-sill, right there in real life before her very eyes.'

  'How is you going to be sitting on the Queen's window-sill, may I beg?' the BFG said.

  'You are going to put me there,' Sophie said. 'And that's the lovely part about it. If someone dreams that there is a little girl sitting on her window-sill and men she wakes up and sees that the little girl really is sitting there, that is a dream come true, is it not?'

&
nbsp; 'I is beginning to see where you is driving to,' the BFG said. 'If the Queen is knowing that part of her dream is true, then perhaps she is believing the rest of it is true as well.'

  'That's about it,' Sophie said. 'But I shall have to convince her of that myself.'

  'You said you is wanting the dream to say there is a Big Friendly Giant who is also going to talk to the Queen?'

  'Absolutely' Sophie said. 'You must. You are the only one who can tell her where to find the other giants.'

  'How is I meeting the Queen?' asked the BFG. 'I is not wanting to be shooted at by her soldiers.'

  'The soldiers are only in the front of the Palace,' Sophie said. 'At the back there is a huge garden and there are no soldiers in there at all. There is a very high wall with spikes on it around the garden to stop people climbing in. But you could simply walk over that.'

  'How is you knowing all this about the Queen's Palace?' the BFG asked.

  'Last year I was in a different orphanage,' Sophie said. 'It was in London and we used to go for walks all around there.'

  'Is you helping me to find this Palace?' the BFG asked. 'I has never dared to go hide and sneaking around London in my life.'

  'I'll show you the way' Sophie said confidently.