Forgiving You

by Melissa Bender

  I ignored him and stood up, leaning over the pram and unclipped Lucy’s safety belt, pulling her out gently and sitting back down beside Chris. Lucy’s eyes were wide open as she stared up at her dad; she just looked mesmerised by him as he looked back down at her.

  “Hold your daughter because she loves you no matter what you’ve done, Chris. She’s too young to understand the hurt you’ve caused me.” I moved her closer towards him. He looked afraid to hold her at first, but then he reached out and held her out in front of him, his hand behind her head and the other on her lower back as her legs lay on his thighs.

  “She is better than the photo.” Chris smiled weakly.

  “Of course, she is. She’s beautiful.” I leaned closer towards him, resting my head against his shoulder.

  Lucy made little bubbles with her bottom lip, her eyes still looking closely at her father. She was so contented just sitting there in his hold. Her arms and legs stretched out, moving up and down. Her legs kicked Chris’s stomach, but he just stared at her, holding tightly with no intention of letting go.

  He spoke, giving me a quick glance. “I do want to be a part of her life, if you will let me. I know you’re mad and have every right to be. I’m begging for a second chance here, anything you’re willing to allow. I don’t deserve anything from you; I know that.”

  “What does that mean for us?” I asked hesitantly because I was unsure about it all.

  “I love you. I’ve never stopped, and if you want to divorce me for what I put you through, then I will sign whatever you want and give you everything you ask for, but I don’t want to miss out on our daughter’s life any more than I have,” he stated as he cleared his throat, bringing Lucy to his chest and kissing the top of her head. “I fucked up beyond words, and I have to live with this for the rest of my life.”

  “When do you have to leave?” I asked, pulling back from him, running my hands over my thighs.

  “Whenever you ask me to.” He shrugged. “I will stay tonight in one of the other motels down the road.”

  “No,” I said firmly, surprising myself. “You can stay with me.”

  He shook his head. “I will stay in a hotel room; it’s no problem.”

  I didn’t care what he had to say; I was going to make it clear to him what I wanted. “I don’t want to get a divorce. You are my husband, and I love you. I want to be with you, and I want us to live together. I want the plan we had dreamed of and spend Sundays talking about. But I also think we need to learn to trust each other again. I am still so hurt that you left, and I know you’re angry too, but you accused me of something so unspeakable. I can’t forgive you for leaving me; it’s going to take time. I need to trust that you won’t leave again, that you will be here for me and Lucy, and not abandon us.” I paused a moment, then continued. “I promise you that I won’t use you leaving the day she was born against you. I am willing to put it aside if you can as well, and move forward and get back to how we were. I need to be able to trust again.”

  “I want you to bring it up every day,” he started, but I cut in, not hearing a word of it.

  “No, I know you’re paying for it. You missed the birth of our daughter, and that is something you need to live with for the rest of your life, but I don’t want to be the type of person who would use it against you in a fight. I need time—time to heal and see if we can get past this.”

  “I don’t deserve you,” he muttered, sighing heavily.

  I nodded, knowing that was true; he didn’t deserve me. Our eyes were still locked. My heart was racing furiously as he leaned in closer, resting his forehead against mine. His warm breath was blowing against my face as he moved. I ran my hand up to the base of his neck, slowly tilting my face towards his, and placing a single kiss over his lips. His lips were wet yet warm, tasting of salty tears.

  A simple kiss that felt like the first kiss of my life.

  Sparks coming back to life, the fire in my belly that I had longed for. The love I felt for him spilled throughout my body as if he was seeping into my veins, bringing me back to life. But, I also couldn’t forget the hurt he had caused me—the deep pain and embarrassment of him accusing me of cheating.

  “I want you to fire Katie,” I said with seriousness. “I have never involved myself with your work because I don’t believe in doing so, but I want her gone.”

  I would assume he was going to say no. However, his brows raised, and he gave a single nod. “Already done. She was the one who sent the photos. I even asked Joel, and he admitted it to be true.”

  My mouth fell open. “What?!” I was disgusted that he was in on it too.

  “After I got that email yesterday, I went to his house to ask him again, and he admitted to lying. He said he had a thing for you and wanted you for himself, so I broke his jaw. I have never been so angry, Char. It’s their fault, and I fucking believed them. I’m a lawyer for, Christ sake, and I was made a fucking fool of.”

  I couldn’t believe it; they were sick. “Wow. I’m blown away. I can’t believe they would do something so horrible. This pretty much destroyed a family.”

  They had destroyed our family.

  “How long are your parents still here for?” he questioned.

  I had started to forget about them being here, until he mentioned it. “Yeah, they were meant to leave today after lunch. I don’t know if that will happen since mum is watching me like a hawk with my eating.”

  “Can I say something without you getting angry?” he asked hesitantly.

  Raising a brow, I was curious as to what he had to say, but I nodded anyway. “Go ahead.”

  Chris and I were always able to talk to each other about anything. Now, it felt like we had to go back to the start all over again. “You need to stand up to them. Stop letting them get inside your head and making you feel as if you’re doing something wrong.”

  He was right about that. “I know, I know.” I stretched my legs out in front of me, crossing my feet over the other.

  “Is Lucy up a lot during the night?” Chris asked as he smiled down at our daughter.

  “Yeah. Although last night, she slept the whole time, but that was because she was up the whole time the previous night. Adam and I were walking her in the pram at 3 a.m. for a good hour.” I groaned as I remembered her cheeky face as we pushed her.

  Lucy started to grow restless, and I knew she was soon due for another feed and change. Chris placed her back in the pram after walking with her in his arms for a bit. I offered for him to push her, but he said he was all right. I knew he was still very nervous. He wasn’t the confident man I married; he was now the complete opposite. I knew it was a huge deal for him coming back here to try and make us work—to try and fix everything that had happened over the past three weeks. He was a stubborn man—a man who never liked to admit it when he was wrong. But the fact he had apologised was a step; it was a small step in the right direction.

  I wanted him to be as involved as possible in his daughter’s life. He should feel like any new father, and he really needed to have that bonding time with her.

  Just as we were making our way back to the house, I was met with the angry looks of both my parents. Their anger was directed towards Chris. I knew that because my father stepped forward and clenched his fists as he angrily asked, “What the hell do you think you’re doing here, son!?”

  Chapter Eight

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  “I love you.” I smiled up at Chris.

  We were now meeting my parents, and I was nervous. My parents were kind of strict; they would flip if they knew how much older Chris was than me, and I was slightly nervous about that. Hell, I was nervous for him.

  “Just know when I’m nervous, I kind of speak without thinking, I blurt out random stuff,” I spoke as my nerves picked up. I had never brought a boy home before.

  Chris frowned as he noticed and placed his hand in mine. “I already know that, babe. Don’t be nervous; we can just leave if they are that bad.” />
  I nodded and opened the front door to my parents’ house. Adam was here as well which was only because I begged him to be, that or I would tell Mum about the one-nighters he was having recently; I only found that out because I read his texts.

  “Charlotte.” Mum smiled as we walked into her view.

  “Mum, Dad.” I smiled back, holding Chris’s hand slightly tighter than normal. He wasn’t complaining though.

  “Who’s this?” Dad spoke just as Adam walked into the kitchen, sitting down at the dining table.

  “This is my boyfriend, Chris.”

  “Oh?” Mum spoke, narrowing her eyes at me

  “He’s Adam’s age,” I replied, grinning.

  “What?” Dad blinked, laughing. “He’s in his early thirties?”

  “Yeah. I guess he’s my sugar daddy,” I replied, then realised that wasn’t the best thing to say.

  Adam’s drink went spraying out of his mouth and all over the cutlery. “I’m sure that’s what they’re going to be pleased about,” he muttered. “Tell them where he works.”

  “He is Adam’s boss, and I think when you go back to work, you may be fired,” I spat as glared at him.

  I heard Chris chuckle behind me as he stepped forward and held his hand out to my father. “It’s nice to finally meet you both. Charlotte talks about you constantly.”

  I mouthed suck up. “Oh, do I?”

  “Yes.” He winked.

  With that, my dad took hold of Chris’s hand and shook it firmly, welcoming him into our family. “Scotch?”

  ***

  I know I should have expected this.

  The standoff between my parents and Chris—the extremely uneasy tension currently enveloping us. I mean, in my parent’s eyes, they would loathe the man who abandoned their daughter and granddaughter.

  “Dad. Please, don’t,” I said, warning my father. This wasn’t the time or place to be getting into anything. With a hothead like him, there was no telling what was going to happen if he let loose.

  “Darling, why don’t we go inside? Lucy needs a feed, and we can let the men talk out here.” Mum tried giving me a smile, but I wasn’t having any of it.

  I glanced from her to Chris as I held my daughter close to my chest, patting her bottom and giving her a soothing bounce as I stood by the door. “Chris is going to feed her.”

  “Char, go inside. I’ll be in there soon.” Chris knew what was coming, and now wasn’t the time for a big man pissing contest.

  I raised a brow, placing my lips to Lucy’s soft head and rocked her back and forth. “No. You’re coming inside to feed your daughter for the first time,” I said, surprising myself with how firm and demanding I was towards him.

  I never bossed Chris around; he was the one who oozed authority and gave the usual orders. I liked that about him—him in control and taking charge. It went with his personality: dominant and strong.

  My dad stepped forward, walking closer to him. Their height difference noticeable as Chris towered over my dad by a good foot. I could tell by the way my dad’s eyes narrowed, that I knew he wanted to hit Chris. I also knew that Chris wouldn’t try and stop my dad, and as much as he deserved to have the possible shit beat out of him, it wasn’t going to fix anything.

  “Charlotte.” Mum placed a hand on my elbow, trying to move me along.

  I shrugged away, shaking my head. “No. Chris. Inside now.” I didn’t take my eyes off his.

  Chris looked over, his shoulders slumping. “Okay. Let’s go and feed her.”

  Dad’s anger simmered even more, shaking his head angrily with both arms thrown in the air. “So, what? You’re just going to take him back after that? After everything he’s done to you and your daughter?!”

  “Don’t!” I snapped back, frustration filling me. Deep down, I knew he was right, but I just couldn’t do this. Not here, not now. “Just drop it. I’m not going to kick him out and send him away.”

  “He left.” Mum really didn’t need to remind me of this. I damn well knew it. “What’s to say he won’t do it again? Jesus, don’t ever fall pregnant again.”

  My face fell, and I tried to mask the hurt because I didn’t want anyone to see or know just how badly that hurt to hear my mother say those words. Don’t fall pregnant again? We had wanted a big family, with at least three or four children. I’d never want my daughter to be an only child with no siblings to play with.

  “Enough.” Adam joined us, standing in the doorway, half asleep with a shirt inside out. “Just fucking stop. Leave them alone. Let them sort it out, and if you can’t, then go back on another trip. You’re not helping anyone by fighting.”

  “You can’t be serious.” Mum shook her head disapprovingly, watching Adam retreat inside until he was gone, and it was just us standing back out here.

  Turning to my parents, I decided nothing was going to change when they held onto their disapprovingly looks. Groaning, I just turned into the house and slipped off my shoes, making my way to the bedroom, hoping today’s fight was over and done with.

  “I’m sorry.” I sighed, falling down on the bed.

  “Don’t be,” Chris said, propping himself up on the bed as he held Lucy in one hand, and a bottle in the other. “You should have let your father hit me. I deserve it.”

  I looked up, raising a brow with a half-smile and smirk. “If anyone is going to hit you, then it will be me.”

  He let out a laugh, smiling for a brief second, stretched out on his side as I turned and lay facing them both. Lucy was between us as Chris held the bottle to her mouth while she looked up at him, drinking. Her little mouth was sucking the bottle as if her life depended on it. She began to cry when there was none left.

  “She’s still hungry,” I pointed out, lifting my camisole and propping my breast close to her mouth. Her head turned, and mouth opened, eagerly taking more.

  “Does she drink like this all the time?” he asked, looking at me.

  “Clearly, she drinks like her father,” I pointed out, winking playfully.

  With a scoff, he rolled his eyes. “I don’t drink that often.”

  “Only after every win at work.” I smiled, sticking my tongue out. “Anyway, she’s pretty much done.” I noticed as my nipple fell from her mouth, and I looked down to see her fast asleep.

  We both lay there, Chris tracing his long fingertip over Lucy’s features, taking in her appearance and soaking up the bliss of her beauty. I was starting to drift off when he reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

  “Will you show me your stomach?” he finally asked.

  Catching me off guard, I frowned, a crease forming between my brows. “Why? It’s gross.”

  “I want to see where they cut you.” He didn’t take his eyes from mine, pleading with me. Silently, I nodded. It terrified me that he would see something no one else has done. It was daunting.

  I watched as Chris picked Lucy up, carefully placing her in the bassinet and pulling her pink blanket over her small body. He moved back onto the bed, kneeling between my legs as he lifted my black top up, lowering the yoga pants slightly with my panties so that he could look at the scar close up.

  He didn’t say anything at first; he just stared. My heart was racing with every possible thought he may be thinking about.

  Then finally, he broke the silence. “You’re still beautiful; the scar is beautiful. Does it hurt?” He looked up with pain filling his eyes.

  “Not as much anymore, but it did hurt pretty bad. I found it hard to walk the first three days. I couldn’t even dress myself; the midwife had to do it and help me shower,” I admitted softly.

  The pain that flashed across Chris’s eyes was hard to miss. He shifted until he lay beside me, looking afraid to even touch me anymore. “I should have been there.”

  I didn’t say anything; I knew it was true and I couldn’t deny it.

  Reaching out, his fingers found mine and interlaced our hands. He brought my hand to his lips and pressed a soft kiss against
my skin gently. “Will you stay here tonight? In here with us?” I asked quietly.

  “I don’t mind getting a hotel. I won’t make it uncomfortable for you and your family.” He sounded nervous, unsure on whether to be here or not.

  “Please,” I begged, fighting the tears back. I bit my trembling lip, moving closer towards him.

  His arm slid beneath my neck, wrapping around my shoulders as his other arm pulled me close against him. My eyes shut, and for the first time in weeks, I felt safe again. My heart was steadily beating, content to be here. He pressed his lips against my forehead as I started to doze off, finding a slight peace at knowing he wasn’t going anywhere tonight.

  ***

  I opened my eyes to find myself alone on the bed. A blanket was covering my body, and the blinds were drawn shut. I looked around, trying to see where Chris was, but I couldn’t see him, and Lucy wasn’t in her bed. I heard water running, and knew he was taking a shower.

  Peeking around the bathroom door, I smiled as I spotted Chris in the shower with Lucy; she was loving it. I ducked out, grabbing my camera. I couldn’t miss an opportunity like this. Chris was just standing there as he held Lucy out under the water that was running over her tummy and her smiling up at him with beaming eyes.

  “Hey,” I spoke, making it known I was awake, and snapped a photo of them.

  “Did I wake you up?” He smiled, giving me a quick glance. “I thought you could use the extra sleep.”

  “No, you didn’t wake me. I’m good.” I leaned back on the sink, watching them.

  He nodded. “Do you want to get in? I’m finished.”

  “Maybe later. I had a shower this morning,” I said quietly. Chris nodded and reached for the tap, turning the water off.

  I felt bad. It wasn’t as though I didn’t want to shower with my husband and daughter, it was just after everything that had happened, I was still hurting, and I couldn’t go back and pretend everything was normal. I couldn’t jump into bed with him and act as if he didn’t accuse me of cheating, and leave me, asking for a divorce.