Forgiving You

by Melissa Bender

  I smiled. “I’d love that. We can go to Bali and stay at the beach. Lucy will be able to play in the sand and water. We can just focus on us. I love you, Chris.”

  The door opened, and my heart dropped. No, not yet. It was too soon. He couldn’t go in now. Not when we were making plans. He looked up at me and smiled sadly. “I will see you when I wake up. Make sure Lucy’s in here too. I want to see my girls before anyone else.”

  No. It was too soon. I wasn’t ready.

  “I promise. I love you, Chris.” I stood up as a team of doctors walked in. I sat down as they went over all the pre-op checks, and Chris signed a DNR form. I knew he didn’t want to take any chances of being a vegetable.

  As much as that hurt, I felt the same.

  “Alright, Chris. Let’s let you in the OR and back out here to your family,” Dr. Patton said. I looked over at Chris and smiled at him.

  I leaned over and kissed him. He pulled me back when I went to move away, kissing me hungrily. If we were at home, we both would have jumped each other. I smiled over his mouth. “I love you, Christopher. I will see you soon.”

  “Love you too, baby. Give Lucy a big hug and kiss for me,” he said and kissed me one last time.

  The nurse with the paperwork was about to leave, but I grabbed her arm gently. I couldn’t not do this. I would never forgive myself if I let it happen. “The DNR, if something happens before the transplant. You tell them to save him. He’s not thinking. I need you to save my husband, please. He needs to come home with us. Save him.”

  She glanced down at Lucy and nodded. “Your husband will be fine.”

  As soon as I was alone, I burst into tears.

  I sat in his room with Lucy and just sobbed my heart out. I had the overwhelming urge that something was going to go wrong.

  Composing myself, I finally walked out, and instantly I was met with both of our parents, Chris’s sister, and Ness. I put on a brave smile, but it was hard to do.

  “How are you?” Samantha asked. “How’s he?”

  I nodded, “Staying positive. He will be fine.” That’s what I had to do.

  In all honesty, I didn’t want to think about what Chris was going through right now. Because if I did, the severe disadvantage we were at would really sink through. I needed to figure something else out. I needed to just try and think about anything other than what was happening.

  “How’s Adam?” I asked, changing the subject.

  “Good, he will be out in a couple of hours.” Ness smiled.

  I grinned at her. “So, I think you and him are good together. About time.”

  “I know.” she laughed. “Trust me, I know.”

  We all went into the café at the hospital, sitting at a table with some light lunch. Lucy was wide awake, and I needed to feed her. She was being such a good girl especially for someone who’s been in the pram most the morning.

  “Are you going to stay here the entire day?” Dad asked.

  I nodded. “Yes. I want to be here for Chris when he wakes up.”

  I saw the looks everyone was giving me. They weren’t as optimistic as I had been. In my mind, Chris was going to be okay. They never said anything; I could see they wanted to, but I was a hormonal mess right now and just didn’t want to think about anything else.

  “I might go back to the room while Lucy sleeps,” I said, sitting around with everyone talking about the side effects doing my head in.

  Ness stood up. “I’ll come with you, and Adam will be out soon. I want to see him.”

  I smiled. “Yes, he will. That went fast.”

  Ness and I walked back to the room. People rushing around us just seemed like a blur. I couldn’t feel anything; I just felt numb. I wanted to cry again, but all my tears were dried out. It had been one hell of a year for crying.

  “Are you hungry?” Ness asked me as we sat down.

  “I am, but I can’t eat. I feel too sick at the thought of eating. Lucy doesn’t even know what’s going on. She’s just happy and content being here and playing with her rattles.” I laughed, picking her up and sitting her on my lap.

  Ness laughed. “That’s true. I will go to the vending machine. You need to eat, Charlotte. I’ll get you some sandwiches. I won’t be long.” She stood up and left the room, leaving me alone to overthink and worry.

  When the door closed, I looked down at Lucy, holding her close and rocking her gently. “You know, your Daddy loves you so much. He’s a little sick at the moment, but he’s going to be better, I know it.”

  The door opened again. Mum walked in smiling big. “Adam is awake. He’s doing well, and the surgery went smoothly. Are you coming to see him?” She asked.

  I smiled, relieved my brother was okay. “You go. I will be down to see him a little later. I just want to wait here first,” I said as Lucy played with my necklace that Chris brought me. A locket pendant with a photo of him and Lucy inside.

  Mum gave me a look of disappointment. “He may have just saved your husband’s life. I think you need to get down there now.”

  And before I could stop the words from muttering out of my mouth, I spoke, “Fuck off.”

  The loud gasp that escaped her throat was loud. “Charlotte!” Mum snapped.

  “No, don’t you Charlotte me. My husband is in surgery, and all you’re worried about is Adam. I am worried about my brother too, but Adam is awake and doing well. Chris is still in there, with a 40% survival rate, so don’t you dare come and lecture me on where to be. I am where I needed to be, with my daughter whose father may or may not live. You and Dad disappointed me by not wishing him all the best,” I snapped. I was so furious at them right now. “You could have said good luck.”

  “Charlotte, he left you when you gave birth.” She shook her head.

  “Get over it. I sure have. There are more things to worry about, and Chris feels shit enough as it is, and all you keep on doing is making him feel worse with your little digs about whether or not he will do it again. Chris is my husband, and I love him. He’s Lucy’s dad, and that won’t change. You don’t even know the full story, so back off and get out of the room now!” I couldn’t believe she was bringing that up again at a time like this. It’s all they talked about, and I just wanted to move forward.

  I don’t know how long it was, but I dozed off. I was exhausted, only waking up when a light tap to my shoulder woke me. The room was dark but warm, and I noticed Lucy fast asleep holding her little bunny Chris had brought her. Mum was in the room, stirring as I stood up, trying to hide my yawn. “Sorry.” I blushed and jumped up when I noticed it was a doctor.

  The Doctor smiled. “It’s okay. I just came to let you know about your husband.”

  My heart rate picked up. “How is he?” I asked, feeling relieved he was out of surgery.

  “Mrs. Rivers, Chris is now in recovery, the transplant was a smooth, successful procedure. There was a complication.”

  I cut her off, my stomach in knots. “What? But he’s okay. He’s in recovery, right?”

  “Chris became hyperkalaemic and went into cardiac arrest. The doctors were able to save him and do the transplant. He’s very lucky to be alive. Without the transplant all ready to go, things may have taken a turn for the worse,” she said sadly.

  I felt relieved that the transplant went well. I was scared as hell about everything else. “Is he awake? When can I see him?” I asked, wanting to go and kiss him and just be there for him.

  “Charlotte, that’s what I came to talk about. Unfortunately, when we took Chris out of anaesthesia, he didn’t respond as well as we had hoped. He’s unable to breathe well enough on his own for the moment. He is on a ventilator.”

  My stomach was in my mouth. “What does that mean?” I asked. “How long will he be on that for? I mean, when will his breathing respond normally?”

  “Mrs. Rivers, you need to understand. Chris went through a very invasive and risky procedure; the success rate isn’t high at all. Unfortunately, Chris may never be able to breathe on
his own again without the help of the ventilator, I’m sorry. You may need to prepare for the worst. I will take you to him now if you like.”

  Mum sucked in a sharp breath. I felt her hand taking mine as I seemed to fall backward into the chair. “Go and see him, I will stay with Lucy,” she spoke, and I clutched her hand with both mine. I was trying so hard not to break down.

  I nodded. “Yes. Please stay with her. I need to see him,” I said softly, the tears in my eyes leaking down, raining over my cheeks.

  As I made my way into the ICU, the only thing going through my mind was that he had to wake up.

  I needed him, more than he would ever realise.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “Shave it, please.” I laughed, running my fingers over his five-week trimmed beard.

  Chris shook his head. “Not a chance in hell, baby.”

  I pouted, groaning. “Please, Chris, I don’t want our wedding photos to have you with a beard in them.”

  “You don’t complain about it when my face is between your thighs,” he said lower, leaning over and kissing my cheek.

  I felt my cheeks heating up. “That’s completely different, and you can’t talk like that here.”

  Especially since we were at his parent’s place. Chris flashed me a grin, ignoring what I was saying to him as he slid his hand under the dinner table and ran it over my lap, moving towards my parted thighs which I tried to close but was too slow. “I want you now,” he said quietly, a huskiness in his voice.

  I shook my head. “Chris, they’ll see us. It’s daylight.”

  I couldn’t go and have a quickie while his parents were in the kitchen getting lunch ready.

  Chris ignored me, standing and taking my hand. He led me down the hallway and opened the laundry door. The washing machine on was quite loud. I turned around to see him, and he closed the door. Not hesitating to pull me close and clamp his mouth over mine, his tongue dominating my mouth as we kissed hungrily.

  His fingers worked on getting my jeans undone. I shook my hips to help him get them down as I slid my hands up his arms, feeling the muscles in his biceps under his sleeves. Our mouth parted quickly as I slid his shirt up over his head, staring down at his toned chest. I groaned. He was definitely a sight to behold.

  “God, you’re hot,” I growled, running my fingers up and down his chest and undoing his jeans.

  I held in the giggle as Chris lifted me up by the ass and placed me on top of the washer. “I need you badly. I need you all the damn time. I can’t focus.”

  His words were so arousing, the way he spoke and how he looked at me. I smiled. “Take me, Chris. Hurry before someone comes looking for us.”

  “Did you take it this morning?” he asked, referring to my pill.

  I bit my lip, shaking my head as I reached in the front pocket of his tight boxers and pulled his hard cock out. “Nope.”

  He stepped forward, running his cock up and down my wetness. “Christ, baby, I want you pregnant so bad.”

  We were going to wait until our wedding night, but fuck it. I didn’t care anymore.

  Chris slid deep inside me, stretching and filling me. I moaned loudly until he claimed my mouth with his again. I held him tightly as I wrapped my thighs around him, thrusting up to meet him. The vibrations adding a new kind of pleasure for us both.

  “Fuck!” he growled. Thrusting harder and faster as I dug my fingers into his ass.

  I broke our kiss as I came, tightening around him as I milked his hard cock into his own orgasm of pure bliss. I was fucking him back as he moved harder, both our orgasms died down, and his thrusts slowly stopped. Chris half slumped against me as we both caught our breath.

  “I love you,” I whispered, beginning to kiss him again slowly.

  He kissed back until the laundry door opened and I quickly hid into his chest.

  “Eww! Oh my god, I didn’t want to see my brother screwing his girlfriend!” Samantha squealed out.

  Chris glanced over his shoulder. I was glad his boxers covered his ass and that his jeans were just underneath. “Fiancé, and get out now!” he growled.

  The door closed and we both heard her. “Mum you need to buy a new washing machine! Or wash the clothes again!”

  Both Chris and I laughed; he pulled out and fixed himself up then helped me do the same. “I can’t wait to marry you next weekend.”

  “Me either, it’s going to be perfect. You can have the beard if you want it,” I said, playing with his chin.

  He grinned, shaking his head. “Nope, beard’s gone for the wedding. Hopefully, a baby’s on the way soon after.” He winked.

  I hoped so too.

  ***

  It had been three days, and Chris was still asleep.

  I knew he signed a DNR, but I wasn’t turning anything off. Saying it and doing it were two completely different things.

  I was a mess. I didn’t know what to do or think anymore. Sleep was something that was rarely happening for me. I was sick to my stomach each day. I couldn’t keep anything down. I just threw it all up.

  Adam wasn’t allowing me to see him. He was in some self-pity slump, blaming himself with what happened and thinking it was his fault for pushing Chris into doing the surgery.

  Our parents . . . well, they rarely came in and visited. I was in here with Lucy most the time. Just me and her, playing on the floor with her toys. When she slept, I lay down and cuddled Chris, hoping he wakes up and tell me this was all just a bad dream.

  I needed it to be a bad dream.

  I sighed, leaning forward and rubbing my fingers over Chris’s shadow of growth. His beard was definitely sexy on him. I’d never let him shave if I had it my way. I leaned forward and placed a kiss over his mouth. Part of me was hoping my kiss would awake him miraculously.

  His breathing tube came out yesterday. He was getting stronger on his own. I was proud that he was fighting. I could see it, even if it was small things. I knew he was fighting to wake up.

  “I love you, Chris. You need to wake up for me, baby. I need you to kiss me back,” I whispered softly as I placed another kiss against his mouth. Carefully running my hand through his hair, trying not to lean on him too hard.

  When the door opened, I pulled back. Looking over, I spotted Samantha walking in with two coffees. “Hey, thought you might like this. How’s he doing this morning?” she asked, handing me my drink and then kissing her brother on the cheek.

  I kept my hand on Chris’s hand; I rarely let it go when I was in the room with him. “He’s doing well. He went well through the night, and they said his blood was looking good. The swelling has reduced. It’s basically just a waiting game now.”

  “Well, waiting sucks.” She smiled, looking at Chris. “He’s just getting some sleep in, preparing himself for when he wakes, and Lucy is all over him, as well as you.” She winked at me cheekily.

  I laughed. “I won’t be all over him.” Much, I thought to myself.

  “Do you want to go and see Adam? He’s up and awake. I don’t mind watching sleeping beauty over there,” she offered.

  I peered in at Lucy and then looked at Chris. I hated leaving him, but I should go and see my brother. “Text me if anything changes with him,” I asked, standing up.

  “Of course.” Samantha nodded.

  I leant over and kissed Chris on the mouth. “I love you. I will be back soon,” I whispered and then kissed Lucy.

  I made my way down to Adam’s room, pushing the door open. It was Ness who I first saw, looking tired as my brother read the paper. He looked up, peering over the top page. I could tell he was about to protest.

  “Don’t bother. I’m not in the mood to listen to you kick me out, and I won’t be leaving anyway,” I warned taking a seat.

  Ness laughed. “She told you. Now, be a good boy and be nice, or I won’t bring you back a treat.”

  “What am I? Five?” Adam snapped back, obviously in a grumpy mood.

  She stood up, walking out and closing the white door b
ehind her. “How are you feeling?” I asked.

  He sighed, giving a shrug. “I’m fine. I feel okay.”

  “That’s good. When do you get to leave?” I asked, trying to get him to talk more.

  “In a day or so. But who gives a fuck about that when Chris is in there, still unconscious,” he grumbled.

  I pinched his forearm. “Don’t. Chris is sleeping, he’s breathing on his own, and not unconscious, so stop it. I need you to be positive. That’s all I need from everyone else as well.”

  Positivity—that’s what I had to have around me.

  Adam nodded, blowing out a hard breath and yawning. “Mum’s driving me insane. She won’t listen when I tell her to stop fussing over me.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I think you secretly love it.”

  He shook his head. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “Did you hear what Mum did to Chris?” I asked, getting more comfortable in the chair.

  Adam shook his head. I then began to dive in and fill him in on all the details about how they still blamed him and that’s why they never wished him all the best for his surgeries. By the end of me speaking, Adam was livid and ready to get out of bed. I had to force him to sit back down in case his stitches split open.

  My phone beeped, and I looked down at the message. “It’s from Samantha,” I said quietly as my eyes skimmed over the message. I stood up and kissed Adam on the cheek. “I need to go back to Chris. I’ll be back later with Lucy.”

  I then took off down to my husband’s room.

  As another week passed, I was failing at staying positive. I was feeling more and exhausted. The nerves were playing up, and I couldn’t stop feeling sick. I knew what was going on. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself.

  I picked Lucy up and lay her on the bed beside Chris. He was doing the same as six days ago. He was just sleeping, so I read Sleeping Beauty to Lucy each night before she went to bed and she kissed her daddy goodnight. I secretly hoped he woke up, but he didn’t.

  “You want to cuddle Daddy before you sleep, beautiful?” I asked her, Lucy rolled to her tummy and tried to push herself up. rocking back and forth she spoke a blubbering ramble of words that didn’t make sense.