Don Tillman's Standardized Meal System

by Graeme Simsion

  Frozen pizza only: antipasto items (salumi, preserved vegetables) from refrigerator and jars

  Frozen or delivered pizza: some form of chili (Preferably fresh, chopped, but flakes or reconstituted dried chilies or chili-infused oil are acceptable. Marinated chilies, including the oil, are excellent. I do not recommend chili paste for this purpose.)

  EQUIPMENT

  Serving plate or board for pizza (to facilitate slicing)

  Specialized pizza-slicing roller (optional – knife is adequate)

  PROCESS

  Time: typically 10 minutes for frozen pizza; indefinite time for delivered version.

  Select one option:

  1. Phone pizza vendor and heat oven to 160 degrees. When pizza arrives, check temperature and reheat in oven if required.

  2. Remove frozen pizza from freezer and add antipasto ingredients to make it more interesting. Cook according to instructions on package.

  Add preferred amount of chili. Eat pizza. Drink wine. Discuss psychological reasons for not eating out and develop plan for resolving.

  _______

  1 You can use whatever search engine you prefer; a search on YouTube is likely to be quicker in this case. However, only Google has attained the ubiquity needed to acquire a verb form, and I was under editorial pressure to keep all instructions as concise as possible, despite my repeated warnings about the risk of ambiguity and confusion.

  1 The majority of humans (not including myself) react negatively to unsolicited advice. The advice “don’t give advice unless it’s asked for” is patently flawed: people frequently don’t realize that they need advice.

  1 First reminder: approximately.

  1 Amazed because, when I had dined at their homes, they had served more than one course – but only because I was present. A classic example of the presence of the researcher influencing the behavior under investigation (the Hawthorne effect, in this context).

  1 Second reminder: approximately.

  1 Limited to one year’s suggestions by the editor, who is in favor of changing fish, not just annually but weekly! I recommend you use the first discussion of the next year to brainstorm twelve further topics. This approach can also be used if you choose an alternative to flounder.

  1 I recommend Policansky, D. The Asymmetry of Flounders, Scientific American, 246 (5), 1982, pp. 116–23, as a reference on this matter.

  1 Most cocktails are served chilled. Notable exceptions include those in the pousse-café (layered) category, not currently fashionable.

  1 Use of saltwater to induce vomiting is (like many traditional remedies) dangerous and potentially fatal, not only because of the risk of salt poisoning, but also because it takes the place of more effective medical treatment.

  2 Pound 2 parts of flaky salt with 1 part of dried whole chilies or chili flakes in a mortar and pestle until it looks fine enough to stick to a glass. Alternatively, purchase commercial chili salt.

  3 There is an argument that the lime juice should be aged for several hours to permit enzymatic bittering. I consider fresh juice superior, but the Standardized Meal System provides a basis for experimentation.

  1 If no recipe due to buying in bulk or discarding package to enable safe storage: pour 2 1/4 cups of boiling water on 1 1/2 cups of couscous, allow to stand 6 minutes, add 1 tablespoon of olive oil, stir with fork to break up clumps and “fluff.”

  2 Third reminder: approximately.

  1 Based on my conversations with people not only born in Italy but with Italian lineage: p=0.05.

  2 This could be a result of living in a location with zero or close-to-zero Italians. But if you reside in a city with Italians and don’t know any, I recommend broadening your social circle, using the risotto project as an excuse.

  1 The (US) FDA advises that cooked seafood can safely be kept for “three to four days” in the refrigerator. Given the ambiguity in this statement and the possible consequences of misinterpretation, I recommend no more than three.

  1 An interesting but unreliable technique for removing the stone is to strike it with the sharp edge of the knife, then lift the knife while holding the avocado half. It does not always work, as the interference fit between knife and stone may not be as strong as the fit between avocado flesh and stone. Hence, do not perform it to demonstrate competence.

  1 To peel, drop tomato into boiling water for 10 seconds to split and loosen skin, then peel with knife or fingers.

  2 Reminder: approximately.

  SATURDAY

  Lunch

  Poke bowl

  Dinner

  Greek-style barbecue

  SUNDAY

  Thai duck / chicken curry

  Grilled pineapple

  MONDAY

  Greek gazpacho

  Barbecued-vegetable ratatouille

  TUESDAY

  (guests)

  Grilled figs

  Lobster salad

  Cheese and crackers

  Piña-colada sorbet

  WEDNESDAY

  Barbecued pork with watermelon salad

  Chocolates

  THURSDAY

  Parmesan crisps and prosciutto

  Spaghetti puttanesca with green salad

  FRIDAY

  (if eating at home)

  Minestrone

  SUMMER SATURDAY LUNCH:

  Poke Bowl

  This recipe contains “sashimi-grade” tuna, which can be replaced with salmon (also “sashimi-grade”) if tuna is unavailable or you prefer salmon. I was once severely criticized for ordering bluefin tuna at a restaurant1, as the fish is critically endangered (though the fate of the individual fish in question had already been determined). Fortunately, having since tasted bluefin tuna2, I prefer the yellowfin (ahi) variety, which is less fatty and not endangered. Rosie formerly ate only sustainable seafood and no meat, for ethical reasons. Yet living an ethical life, taking into account harm to animals and risks of extinction, is incredibly difficult.

  Are we only trying to avoid complete extinction, or is there merit in encouraging more of a species to be born? Including humans, given that many of the sustainability problems would disappear if the human population diminished? Are the lives of all animals and fish – and even insects and plankters – of equal value? If not, how do we calculate individual worth and the appropriate (relative) level of empathy and concern? Is intelligence a relevant input? Ability to feel pain? Cuteness? Should we kill predators to save the lives of their prey? Must our decisions be scalable? Or can we personally take non-scalable decisions, such as eating kangaroo, which does not consume the farmed grain that generates mouse plagues, leading to the deliberate mass poisoning and agonizing deaths of millions of animals which would otherwise never have been born, and which I know from personal experience to be relatively intelligent and even “cute,” almost certainly more so than bluefin tuna?

  Rosie and I have discussed these and a vast number of related issues, such as whether our decision to have only one child and cycle to work entitles us to wreak some compensatory damage in the interests of a tastier meal, at length. The net result is that Rosie now eats a limited amount of meat and the topic is no longer permitted to be raised.

  Note the use of the rice cooker. All of my Asian friends – and their mothers, who would be expected to be reference points for tradition – use this inexpensive appliance. Several recommend scheduling at least 15 minutes in “warm” mode before serving the rice.

  COMMON RESOURCES

  2/3 cup brown rice

  2 tbsp soy sauce

  1 tbsp sesame oil

  1 lime

  RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS

  200 g (1 or 2 slices) yellowfin tuna (or alternative, according to taste and ethics)

  1 birds-eye or alternative preferred chili, fresh or reconstituted (optional)

  1 avocado

  1 cob of sweet corn

  1 red capsicum (only 1/2 required today)

  EQUIPMENT

  Rice cooker with plastic ladle

&
nbsp; Medium bowl

  PROCESS

  Time: 35 minutes, largely determined by rice-cooking time, with some unallocated time.

  Put brown rice in the rice cooker with a cup of water (more than required for white rice; it will cause the cooking time to lengthen, as the cooker’s cutoff is triggered by temperature rather than time) and activate1.

  Chop chili into tiny pieces (30 seconds) and put in bowl.

  Add sesame oil and soy sauce to bowl; mix with spoon.

  Cut the tuna into 1 cm cubes and add to the bowl. Stir to cover tuna in dressing.

  Halve avocado; remove flesh using a tablespoon and cut into 1 cm cubes.

  Strip leaves from sweet corn, hold on its end on a chopping board, and use knife to “shave off” the kernels. Retrieve stray kernels from bench and floor, and put in bin or with other kernels, depending on your attitude to hygiene and waste.

  Chop half the capsicum into pieces the size of corn kernels. Wrap other half in cling wrap and refrigerate.

  When rice is ready, distribute into 2 bowls. Add remaining ingredients, including dressing and juice of lime, on top of rice. Serve.

  VARIATIONS

  This recipe accommodates enormous variation through adding / deleting compatible ingredients, such as halved cherry tomatoes, seaweed, even nuts or pumpkin seeds. Check the internet or the menu board at a poke restaurant.

  Use sushi rice and follow preparation instructions on package, including use of sushi vinegar.

  SUMMER SATURDAY DINNER:

  Greek-style Barbecue

  One of the most common criticisms of the Standardized Meal System is its supposed lack of flexibility – a criticism comprehensively demolished by the Greek-style barbecue. This meal will improve your tolerance for ambiguity and provide enjoyable social interaction.

  The source of the flexibility and social interaction is the shopping procedure, optionally preceded by negotiation with other diners. For example:

  Me: Meat, seafood, or vegetables?

  Rosie: Ah, it’s Greek-barbecue night.

  Me: Of course. It’s summer. It’s Saturday.

  Rosie: You know the answer. Just not meat.

  Me: So, complete flexibility as long as it’s not meat?

  Rosie: I’m guessing that’ll mean calamari. And saganaki.

  Me: They satisfy the criteria, so obviously I’ll include them in the options.

  Seafood Vendor: Greetings, Don. Greek-barbecue night coming up?

  Me: Correct. What do you recommend?

  Seafood Vendor: You asking me? I already cleaned and wrapped the calamari for you. But, doesn’t matter. I’ve got some beautiful fresh –

  Me (exhibiting empathy): Obviously, if you’ve already prepared the calamari…

  Other (theoretical) possibilities include fish (whole or filleted), prawns (shrimp), mussels, scallops, lamb chops; as well as less traditional options, such as kangaroo, sausages (skinless or skinned), steak, butterflied quail, capsicums, eggplant, corn. (People of Greek heritage eat a wide variety of foods.)

  Seek the vendor’s advice on cooking new ingredients, as I did eighteen years ago, when I first purchased calamari.

  The (optional) starter is sourced from a Greek delicatessen. The varied items available will further multiply the possibilities of this already flexible meal. Example:

  Greek Deli Owner: Don. How’s Rosie; how’s your boy?

 

  Greek Deli Owner: I better serve these other customers. I’ve got your cheese. Three slices.

  Me: What else do you recommend?

  Greek Deli Owner: The dips, the marinated octopus, stuffed peppers. And here, try this dolmade. My grandmother…

 

  Me: Delicious. But inferior to the frying cheese. World’s most delicious Greek deli item.

  Greek Deli Owner: You can’t go past the cheese.

  COMMON RESOURCES: GREEK BARBECUE

  2 lemons

  Plain flour (if Greek deli items include frying cheese)

  RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: GREEK BARBECUE

  Greek deli items (e.g. frying cheese)

  Greek barbecue item(s)

  COMMON RESOURCES: GREEK SALAD

  1 tsp oregano (dried is acceptable)

  1 tbsp red-wine vinegar

  150 g feta cheese (marinated or unmarinated)

  28 pitted black olives (marinated or unmarinated)

  RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: GREEK SALAD

  (Deliberately excessive to allow for leftovers)

  450 g high-quality tomatoes

  350 g cucumber

  6 large basil leaves (or equivalent in small leaves)

  EQUIPMENT

  Salad bowl

  Salad servers

  Serving plate for Greek deli items

  Serving plate for barbecued food

  Grater / zester

  Bowl for refrigerating “leftover” salad

  PROCESS: GREEK SALAD

  Time: 7 minutes.

  Slice cucumber (peeling not required) into 1 1/2 cm cubes.

  Cut tomatoes into convenient sizes for eating. If using cherry tomatoes, cut in half.

  Tear basil leaves to produce 24 pieces.

  Cut feta into 1 1/2 cm cubes (if not already cut).

  Put cucumber, tomatoes, olives, and basil into bowl. Add vinegar, olive oil, and 1 teaspoon of salt, and mix for 15 seconds with salad servers.

  Transfer 300 g of salad to bowl; cover and refrigerate for use on Monday.

  Add the feta and distribute oregano over the top.

  PROCESS: GREEK BARBECUE

  Time: dependent on choice of barbecue items, but between 10 and 40 minutes, unless cooking multiple items serially.

  If you are cooking meat (including chicken) or prawns, I recommend marinating it after bringing it home – in 4 tablespoons of olive oil, 1 teaspoon of oregano or finely chopped rosemary (meat only), 6 twists of the pepper mill, 2 cloves of finely chopped garlic, and the zest of the lemons. Refrigerate until an hour before cooking.

  Slice lemons into quarters and put on serving plate for barbecued food.

  If you are having a starter:

  If you have selected frying cheese:

  Put 2 tablespoons of flour on chopping board, wet cheese under the tap, then place each side in contact with the flour to coat.

  Fry cheese on barbecue plate (or in frying pan) on high heat for 3 minutes each side, using spatula to flip.

  Serve and squeeze a wedge of lemon over cheese.

  Else:

  Put Greek deli items on serving plate.

  Commence eating while working at barbecue.

  Cook the Greek barbecue item(s) as recommended by the vendor and serve. Eat with salad. Diners should squeeze lemon juice on all items.

  If there are diverse items (e.g. lamb chops and fish), I recommend cooking each variety separately and eating it before cooking the next, assuming diners are eating in the vicinity of the barbecue and can continue conversation with you. If not (e.g. unsuitable weather; poor house design or selection), I recommend calculating start times for all items so that they finish together.

  None of this complexity is necessary if you have standardized on calamari.

  If there is leftover salad (even just liquid), remove the feta cheese (discard / eat) and add to the bowl in the refrigerator.

  VARIATION

  This meal already accommodates vast variation.

  SUMMER SUNDAY:

  Thai Duck / Chicken Curry; Grilled Pineapple

  Common Resource Maintenance, if required – start early!

  Chicken Stock

  Minestrone Soup

  Thai and curry are both strongly correlated with chili. My position on chili is similar to my friend Dave’s position on bacon: as an additive, it has the potential to improve most savory dishes. When forced to eat mass-produced food that has been designed to be inoffensive to the maximum number of peopl
e (hence zero spice, zero interesting ingredients, and overcooked), I pack a vial of cayenne pepper to add to my meal (more practical than bacon). If you do not want to stimulate a discussion, or criticism, I recommend performing this act surreptitiously (virtually impossible with bacon).

  The instructions are for the duck version. If using chicken, check under Variations – changes are minor.

  COMMON RESOURCES: THAI DUCK / CHICKEN CURRY

  3/4 cup rice of your preferred variety1

  Thai yellow-curry paste

  1 tbsp fish sauce

  2 limes

  1 cup coconut milk – store remainder of 400 ml can in refrigerator

  3 frozen kaffir-lime leaves (can be omitted if impossible to source)

  RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: THAI DUCK / CHICKEN CURRY

  300 g duck fillet (boneless breast, skin on)

  1/2 red capsicum (leftover)

  2 red and / or yellow capsicums

  200 g snake beans or conventional green beans

  1 bunch coriander leaves

  RECIPE-SPECIFIC INGREDIENTS: GRILLED PINEAPPLE

  1 ripe pineapple

  EQUIPMENT

  Rice cooker with plastic ladle

  Large frying pan or wok

  Small sharp knife

  Plate

  Small bowl

  Blender or food processor

  Freezer container or bag (approx. 300 ml)

  PROCESS

  Time: 63 minutes, including at least 30 minutes unallocated time.

  At any time: chop both ends off pineapple and slice down sides to remove all skin. Slice two 2 cm discs from the pineapple, remove tough cores with a sharp knife, cover with cling wrap, and refrigerate. Slice remainder of pineapple into 2 1/2 cm discs, cut around core to remove edible flesh, and chop that into cubes1 (approximately 200 g). Freeze the cubes for Tuesday.

  0: Set oven to 175 degrees.

  Put rice in cooker with equal volume of water and activate.

  Trim ends from beans. Optionally, cut into thirds (but whole snake beans look more interesting).

  Cut capsicums in half (except the one already halved), remove seeds and pith, and cut into 1 cm cubes.

  Tear coriander leaves from stalks.

  Cut lime into quarters and put on table.

  Slash duck skin with knife – 4 parallel cuts, 4 more at 90 degrees – to enable fat to escape when cooking.

  12: Put duck on oven tray (or in a roasting dish), fat side down.