IT WAS ALWAYS YOU

by Erika Kelly

  Tears splashed onto her cheeks. It was just so overwhelming to be back in his arms. The brush of his hair over her skin, the scent that spoke to the most primal part of her soul, the possessive hold that gave her roots.

  Oh, dammit all to hell. She wasn’t over him.

  To hell with that. She pushed him away. “I’m here to tell you what I should have said ten years ago. You’re a selfish bastard, Cassian Ellis. For weeks, you’ve been apologizing, telling me how important I am to you, how you’re going to deserve me.”

  He brought her into his foyer and shut the door behind him.

  “But you don’t deserve me. And I’m so hurt I can’t even stand to live in my own skin. I can’t sleep at night, I can’t eat, and I can’t stop this pain from eating me alive.”

  “I’m sorry, Gigi. I’m so—”

  “No. I don’t want to hear your stupid words. They mean nothing. Amie came into your bedroom wearing nothing but your jersey. You have a big heart, and I don’t fault you for comforting a friend, but you had a choice to tell her to wait outside, and you didn’t do it. You killed any hope of us with your stupid need to belong.” She leaned in. “I’m angry. I’m angry, and I’m hurt, and I’m just so damn disappointed that you took away the only future I’ve ever been able to see for myself. The only future I want.”

  He grabbed her arms and hauled her up to him. “Oh, you’re going to have that future, all right. Remember when I said I wouldn’t stop fighting for us? Well, that means fighting myself, too. Yeah, I fucked up, but I love you enough to never stop working to become a better man. The best man I can be, because that’s what you deserve.”

  She was helpless against the stirring of hope.

  “It’s taken me longer than I’d like to figure it all out, but I’m doing it. I see it now, in a way I never have before. That’s why I moved.”

  “No, Cassian, you’re not seeing it.” She wrested out of his hold. “I don’t need you to stay away from women or live in the damn suburbs. I don’t need you to hide away from the world. I need you to have boundaries, so you’re never caught in a compromising position again.”

  “I didn’t buy this house because there are fewer temptations here. I bought it so that, when I get you back, you won’t have to live in my party palace. I wanted a space where you could build a studio and we could grow a family, if it’s something you wanted to do. Have your parents and sisters, my aunt and uncle and cousins come visit.”

  He’d managed to whisk the righteousness right out from under her. She stood transfixed at the man in front of her. He really had changed. No more excuses, no more indecision.

  “I’ve actually been working on a lot of things,” he said. “First of all, you should know, I talked to Coach and told him that I’m going to break every record ever set by a quarterback. That’s going to take a lot of hard work and commitment, so I won’t be hosting parties or trips any more. Secondly, I hired a professional manager to run my camp. Instead of bribing my guys to do me a favor, I’m going to hire football players and coaches, and they’ll get paid for their time. Third—"

  “You did all that?” Hope spread its wings and took flight. It was the most exhilarating experience in the world. Because, right there before her eyes, that future she’d wanted had dropped back into reach.

  “I had it backwards. I thought I had to win them over in order to be on their team.”

  She couldn’t believe it. He got it. He really did.

  “I belong with you. I belong on the Mavericks. And with those priorities clear, the rest falls into place. I don’t expect you to trust me right away. I’m willing to take all the time you need to prove that, from this moment on, I’m always going to put us first.”

  “I do believe you.” She’d almost given up hope that he’d ever understand what his past had done to him, how it had twisted his perspective. But…God. She knew down to her bones that he did see it now. “Everything you’ve just said…every change you’ve made, shows me that.” She couldn’t bear the distance one more second, so she wrapped her arms around him. Oh, my God, he felt so good, so perfectly right. “I missed you. I missed you so much.”

  “I can’t stand it without you.”

  She sighed in utter relief. “I feel the same way.” She smoothed the hair off his forehead. “I love you so much, and I don’t want to live a half-life. When we’re together…there’s just nothing better. The way you see me, believe in me…it’s the best feeling in the world. You see all of me. I only saw the part that was embarrassed to be a Lollipop. You saw that I was—and always have been—so much more.”

  “I watched your show. You were amazing.”

  “You saw? Were you there?”

  “No. I couldn’t leave training camp. But I sent my manager, asked him to record it. I got to see it live.”

  “Well, you’ll never believe this. I gave my demo to Irwin, and the craziest thing happened.”

  Bending his knees, he gripped her bottom and lifted her off the floor, carrying her to the stairs. He lowered himself, and she straddled his lap. “Tell me.”

  “He asked if I’d be willing to go full-on country, and I told him to stuff it.”

  “You told Irwin Ledger to fuck off?”

  “I did. Turns out, though, he was testing me. He only wants to work with authentic talent. He flew me out to New York to play a gig. That’s why I’m here. He wanted to see how I did as a solo act, see if I could pull in a crowd.”

  “And once he saw that you could? That you brought the house down?”

  She grinned. “He’s going to get back to me in a few weeks.”

  “That’s great.”

  “It is. But I’d rather do it with you by my side. Nothing feels right without you.”

  “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Scratch that. Actually, we are.” He lifted her effortlessly, turned, and carried her up the stairs.

  “Where are you taking me?”

  “To our bedroom. Where we’re going to stay for a long damn time.”

  “I’m going to need sustenance. I’ve been traveling all day.”

  “I’ll give you anything you need. From this moment on, I will love you, honor you, protect you, and deserve you.”

  Grabbing a fistful of his hair, she kissed him. It was such a wild, wicked kiss that he had to stop at the top of the stairs and press her against the wall. “I love you, Cassian Ellis, and I’m so damn happy right now.”

  “Yeah? Well, trust me, it’s only going to get better from here.”

  Epilogue

  “I can’t find the ring.” Cassian said it quietly, his body strung tight with tension.

  “You lost the ring?” Dean stood beside his girlfriend, her sister, and a few others from the royal family, as they talked near the massive Christmas tree that had replaced the driving arcade game. Holiday music played in the background, mostly drowned out by the conversation and laughter of a lively party.

  Cassian should be making his guests comfortable, pouring drinks and chatting with them. Instead, he was freaking out.

  Without waiting for an answer, Dean dragged him into the busy kitchen. “Where’d you last see it?”

  He’d done most of the cooking himself, but they’d hired a caterer to serve and clean-up, so he moved to a quiet corner, out of the way. “In the attic. I went up there to make sure everything was perfect, but one string of lights wasn’t working. I think I set the ring down, but I don’t remember.”

  “You set it down or you put it in your pocket?”

  He’d already patted himself down a dozen times, but he did it again, hoping like hell he’d feel that hard little object. Nope. Dammit. “I think I put it on the table, but then I heard her calling me. I didn’t want her to come upstairs looking for me, so I left the room.”

  “So, it’s still there. It’s not like someone went in and took it. No one can even find the attic in this place.”

  “I just went back up. It’s gone.” Another wave of fear barreled through him. “I c
an’t propose without the damn ring.”

  “All right, let’s go—”

  Will Bowie, a former Olympic freestyle skier, strode into the kitchen. “Hey, man. You got more ice?”

  “Yeah, sure.” Cassian headed for the refrigerator.

  “Congrats on making the play-offs again. Great season.”

  “Thanks.” Cassian pulled open the freezer door.

  “We appreciate you and your brothers working with us,” Dean said.

  Last summer, he’d treated his teammates to sessions at the Bowie’s training facility. The guys had loved it, since the brothers, all elite athletes, turned the Tetons into a training experience.

  Staring at the cubes of ice, Cassian’s mind went back to the attic. He remembered flipping the switch on, checking out the lightbulbs, screwing the faulty one in tighter, but…putting the ring down? That was the missing piece. What had he done with it? Had he set it on top of the table? In a drawer?

  He wished like hell he’d left it in the velvet box. Just left it alone in that drawer in his closet until it was time to propose. But he’d wanted to show it to Dean, and he hadn’t thought walking around with a velvet ring box would be too smart.

  Will stood beside him. “I can do it.”

  Jarred out of his thoughts, Cassian took the metal bucket. “No, I got it.” He scooped out some ice.

  “You okay, man?” Will asked.

  “Yeah, sure. Great. Thanks for coming to the party.”

  Dean chuckled. “He lost the ring.”

  Will’s eyebrows shot up. “The ring? As in, engagement ring?”

  Fear struck Cassian’s heart. He nodded. “I’ll find it. It couldn’t have gone anywhere.”

  “Where’s the last place you saw it?” Will asked.

  His heart pounded. “The attic.”

  Will whipped out his phone and tapped out a text. Shoving it in his back pocket, he said, “Lead the way.”

  “To the attic?” Cassian asked.

  Dean grabbed the bucket. “I’ll bring the ice out there and meet you upstairs.”

  Just then, three more Bowie brothers hustled into the kitchen like they were on a mission. “Let’s do this,” Fin, the youngest, said.

  “How the hell do you lose an engagement ring?” Brodie asked.

  “Oh, that’s nice,” Gray said. “Let’s make him feel worse.”

  “Let’s go,” Will said.

  Heart pounding, Cassian climbed the stairs, reassured by the heavy drum of boots behind him. Together, they’d find it.

  “You proposing tonight?” Fin asked.

  “No. Soon. I don’t know when.” At the top of the stairs, he headed down a hallway.

  “What’re you waiting for?” Gray asked.

  Cassian wanted everything to be perfect. “I only have a few days off before play-offs, and Gigi’s been in the studio.”

  “Heard she’s opening for Blue Fire,” Will said quietly.

  “Yeah.” His girl had been busy. Irwin Ledger had signed her, and they were putting a band together. “I’m just waiting for the right time.”

  “Don’t,” Fin said.

  The seriousness in his tone had Cassian nearly tripping on the runner.

  “You lost nine years with her,” Fin said. “You want perfect or you want to put a ring on it?”

  His pulse quickened. “Yeah, I hear you.” He picked up his pace.

  “He lost the ring,” Gray said. “Don’t bring it up.”

  “It’s an expression,” Fin said.

  “We’ll find it.” Will gestured to the door. Let’s go.

  Right. The moment Cassian opened it, a giant ball of fur came flying at him, knocking him back. A wet, sloppy tongue licked his face. “Get off, Rufus.” He and Gigi had rescued the loveable mutt a year ago. He’d been scrawny, and a skin condition had cost him his coat, but with the right food and love, he’d turned into a small-size bear.

  He pushed the dog off and found the Bowie brothers laughing their asses off.

  “Guess we know what happened to the ring,” Brodie said.

  If he’d set it down on the table, that furiously wagging tail could easily have sent it flying.

  In his panic, he’d forgotten that Rufus had been with him when he’d gone back into the attic. Rufus nosed him, begging for a rub-down. Cassian gave it to him. “I’m here. I’m here.” Calm down. Jesus. “Sorry, buddy”

  “You think he ate the ring?” Brodie asked.

  “He didn’t eat a ring,” Gray said. “He’s a dog. He’s not stupid.”

  “No, he’s pretty stupid.” Cassian climbed a steep set of stairs, his dog’s nails clicking on the wood as he followed. Once inside the attic, he stopped to take in the destruction.

  Rufus had knocked the table over. “Ah, Rufus. I’m sorry I left you in here.” The dog had knocked some of the framed photographs off the wall, messed up the bed covers, and tipped over a lamp.

  “Holy shit,” one of the brothers said, coming in behind him.

  Dean came up the stairs, assessed the situation, and shot Cassian a look that said, Really? With a sigh, he said, “Come on, Rufus. Let’s get a treat.” The dog flew off the bed and galloped down the stairs.

  “Okay, where’d you put the ring?” Will said.

  “I’m not sure.”

  Fin righted the table, as the brothers dropped to a crouch. Gray turned on his phone’s flashlight and scanned the hardwood floor.

  Peering into the gap between the floor and wall, Will said, “Could’ve fallen down there.”

  Which would mean it was sitting on insulation.

  On his knees, Cassian checked out the narrow slice of empty space. “Give me the flashlight.” Gray handed it over. Come on. Come on. Show me some glimmer.

  It wasn’t just a ring. He’d taken a lot of care in designing it, wanted it to mean something more than a diamond he bought from a jeweler.

  “Anything?” Gray asked.

  “He’d tell you if he saw something,” Fin said.

  “I’m asking.”

  The band was etched to give the feel of tree bark—for their treehouse—and the setting cupped the stones like a flower’s sepal, offering protection and support. The diamond in the center symbolized the love they’d forged out of enormous pressure and its indestructible nature. And the rubies on either side represented their passion.

  Fuck. It wasn’t here. He got back up. “I don’t see it.”

  “That’s okay. We just got here.” Fin pushed past his brothers. “Let’s open the drawers. Maybe it fell in.”

  Calm down. He didn’t make touchdowns happen when he was frantic. The ring was in this room.

  “When does Rufus shit?” Gray asked.

  “What kind of question is that?” Brodie asked.

  “In the morning,” Cassian said. “But I’m not giving her a ring my dog shits out.”

  “What the fuck did you just say?” Dean came back into the room.

  The Bowie brothers looked to each other, some weird silent communication thing, and then all four of them burst out laughing.

  Cassian couldn’t help it. He smiled at the image of his big, goofy dog shitting out Gigi’s engagement ring.

  “Hey, man,” Dean said. “Gigi’s asking for you. Blue Fire just showed up.”

  A couple years ago, the band had bought second homes not far away—in fact, right on the other side of Yellowstone. Since Gigi had opened for them a couple of times, she’d become close enough to invite them to their first annual holiday party.

  “Yeah, okay. It’s got to be here somewhere. I’ll look later.”

  “Here or in Rufus’s colon,” one of the brothers said.

  As they headed for the staircase, Dean’s gaze narrowed to something on the floor. “Pick up that picture.”

  Cassian lifted the framed photograph Rufus had knocked to the floor. Something glimmered in the soft yellow light. The ring.

  He closed his eyes, peace settling over him.

  Everything would be all
right.

  Now, all he needed was a yes.

  And, in that moment, he realized he needed it now.

  * * *

  Cassian leaned against the wall, watching Gigi in her element.

  They’d moved the pinball machines and game tables to the finished basement. Now, their huge living room had what Gigi called “furniture groupings.” A leather couch, love seat, and club chairs faced the stone hearth. Around the blazing fire, a bunch of people had gathered to hear Gigi and Blue Fire singing and strumming their guitars. Ben, the drummer, beat out a tune on the coffee table.

  Cassian loved seeing her so happy—so fulfilled—and he loved their life together. If they never married, he’d be fine. A rush of joy hit so hard it nearly took out his knees. Yeah, this life they were building together was enough.

  In that exact moment, she looked up at him, her features softening. Love glowed in her eyes.

  “When are you going to ask her?” Dean came up beside him, a beer in his hand.

  “Right now.” Because fine would never cut it. He wanted everything with this woman, and he wanted it now.

  Dean grinned. “I’ll leave you to it.”

  Song finished, she set down her guitar and made her way over to him. With a hand on his chest, she said, “Hi.”

  “Happy?”

  “Never been happier in my life.”

  “Ever imagine you’d be singing songs with Blue Fire in our house?”

  “Can’t say that I have. But that’s like an olive-size piece of my happiness.”

  “What’s a Rufus-size piece?”

  “You. Us.” She gestured around. “This.”

  “It’s pretty damn perfect.” Grasping her hand, he led her to the stairs. “Come with me.”

  “He thinks we’re having sex right in the middle of our holiday party,” she muttered. “With Blue Fire right here.”

  “I mean, we can have sex if you want.” At the top of the stairs, he took her down a long hallway. “But I really just want to give you your Christmas present.”

  “My presents are under the tree.”

  “Nah, that’s just stuff for you to open.” He opened the door to the attic. “This is your real present.”