I Have No Secrets

by Penny Joelson

  ‘Me and my sister Kate,’ says Sarah, ‘we don’t always get on, but I can’t imagine growing up and not knowing her. I bet you can’t wait for a letter from Jodi!’

  Sarah keeps mentioning Jodi over the next couple of days. It’s like she’s as excited as I am. I wish I could tell her how nervous it makes me, though. What if Jodi doesn’t write?

  At least it means Sarah’s not talking about Dan so much. I can almost start to pretend he doesn’t exist. In fact, today Sarah isn’t talking at all – she’s concentrating as she battles to get my rebellious arms into the sleeves of a jumper. My muscle spasms are worse than usual because I’ve not been sleeping well. Thinking about my sister has been keeping me awake.

  ‘Tonight’s the night,’ she whispers. I wonder what she means. She’s not seeing Dan again, is she? She’s seeing so much of him I’m scared sometimes that she’s going to run off with him! But of course, she’d never do that.

  ‘I’m splitting up with Richard,’ she says. ‘It has to be done – I’m not being fair on him.’ She runs a brush quickly but gently through my short tangly hair. ‘I can’t keep putting it off. I know he’ll be gutted, though – he’s such a softy.’

  At last Sarah is doing the right thing. It’s no good going out with someone just because you feel sorry for them. Now she just needs to dump Dan too! I wish she had more sense with men. She’s had a few boyfriends since she’s been here and they’ve all been hopeless. Like Jason, who was always borrowing money from her and never giving it back, and a guy called Mario who was only interested in football and a total bore. Next was wimpy Richard. And then Dan came along.

  Sarah’s in her room getting ready to go out when the doorbell rings. She’s meeting Richard in town, so I know it’s not him. I’m in the living room, but the door’s open and for once I’m at an angle where I can see into the hall. Dad opens the front door. I hear Dan’s voice greeting him.

  What’s he doing here? Sarah is definitely not expecting him.

  Dad invites Dan in and I hear the front door shut, then I watch them as they chatter about the weather. When Dan sees Sarah all dressed up, what’s he going to think? He’ll get suspicious for sure. I strain to listen, but now Olivia’s started one of her tantrums. She’s lying on the floor somewhere behind me, kicking and screaming like a two-year-old except twice as loud.

  I hear Dad call upstairs, ‘Sarah! Dan’s here!’

  He’s assumed Sarah’s going out with Dan tonight!

  At least he’s warned her – it would be awful if she came down and just found Dan in the hall. I have no idea what she’s going to do.

  Thankfully Dan doesn’t come into the living room – I think Olivia’s screaming has put him off. Mum comes in to see what’s up with her, saying a quick hello to Dan as she passes. She turns my wheelchair round, which is annoying as I’d rather watch what’s happening in the hall than look at Olivia, who is lying on the floor at the far end of the room, pointing and screaming. Now I can see what’s upset her. One of her ballet shoes is trapped on the candelabra light fitting, near the ceiling. Finn must have thrown it up there. He’s got good aim.

  Mum calms Olivia and says Dad will get it down. Finn is nowhere to be seen. Mum turns me to face the TV and switches it on. Then she pulls Olivia up gently, hugging her, and holds her hand to lead her out. I hear them going upstairs.

  I’m conscious that Dan is still in the hall. Sarah calls to say she’ll be down in a few minutes. Then I hear Dan sigh. He walks into the room and goes straight to the telly and picks up the remote, flicking through channels. He’s acting as if I’m not even here. I wish I could say, ‘Oi! I was watching that!’ even though I wasn’t really.

  He settles on the news. I don’t want the news. On the screen I can see a coffin being carried into a church. A reporter is speaking. It’s only when I hear him say the name Ryan Blake that I start paying attention properly.

  Ryan – from down the road. It was his funeral today. I want to know what the police have found out. Mum and Dad think Ryan might have been into drugs.

  ‘Police are still appealing for witnesses,’ the reporter continues, ‘and his parents are pleading for anyone who knows anything to come forward.’

  Dan suddenly turns towards me.

  ‘You don’t know anything . . . do you, our Jemma?’ he sniggers.

  I can’t bear him calling me ‘our Jemma’, like he’s part of the family or something.

  ‘Here’s a secret for you,’ he continues, ‘and I know you won’t go telling anyone.’ He winks. There’s a pause. He presses his face close to mine, so close I can feel his hot breath on my cheeks. ‘They’re never gonna catch me!’ he whispers, screwing up his eyes and then nodding at the screen. He stands back, smiling, as if he’s gloating. ‘There’s something for you to chew on, freak !’

  Sarah’s feet patter on the stairs.

  Dan quickly flicks the channel over to a game show.

  Catch him? What did he mean?

  It’s a wind-up – it must be . . .

  ‘Hiya, babe,’ he says.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ Sarah asks. I see her arms flapping a bit like Finn. I can tell she’s panicking, but she’s also gazing longingly into Dan’s eyes. She won’t cancel on Richard to go out with Dan, will she? She needs to split up with both of them. I wish she could hear what I’m telling her in my head.

  ‘You left a glove in my car,’ he tells her. ‘I only found it today. I was passing so I thought I’d pop it in. Don’t want you getting chilly fingers!’

  ‘Oh, thanks! I was wondering where it was,’ she replies. ‘But I’ve got to get a move on. I’m off out with Emma and Rihanna – we’re going to the cinema.’

  ‘Out again?’ he says.

  ‘Yes, I switched my next night off. It’s Emma’s birthday,’ Sarah says quickly. Sarah seems to have her excuse ready prepared – but I guess this is what she’s told Mum. ‘We’re having a girls’ night out. Becks is coming too. We’re seeing that film you said was for soppy teenage girls.’

  ‘No way!’

  ‘Yeah, really.’ Sarah laughs for a little too long. ‘And I’ve gotta go or I’ll be late.’

  ‘No worries, I’ll give you a lift,’ says Dan.

  ‘No, Dan. I’m fine,’ Sarah assures him.

  ‘It’s no prob,’ says Dan.

  ‘Oh . . . All right, then.’

  An uneasy feeling grips my chest. I don’t want her to go with him. What he said to me . . . Surely he was joking. Dan’s horrible, but he wouldn’t actually kill someone. Would he? And why did he turn up here this evening? It doesn’t feel right. Maybe she’s done something to make him suspicious. Was he trying to catch her out?

  Sarah says goodbye to me and touches my hand gently. Her hand is hot – she knows this is a mess and she briefly meets my eyes with a look that says she knows I know this too. She turns to the door.

  ‘Bye, Jemma,’ Dan says, winking again. I see his sneering face in my head when he called me freak and remember what else he said. I don’t trust him one bit.

  They go and I hear the front door bang shut.

  Dad comes in and stares up at the ballet shoe on the light fitting, muttering, ‘You’ve got to be joking,’ under his breath.

  5

  Mum gets me ready for bed, but I’m barely listening as she chats away about needing to get me some new clothes. What did Dan mean?

  If only Mum could see inside my head – the thoughts spinning round. But I know on the outside I must look exactly the same as I always do. Nothing shows. No one knows.

  He must have been joking. If he was involved then wouldn’t we have heard something? Wouldn’t he be a suspect? Even so, I wish I could tell someone. Just so they can know what he’s like. Just in case.

  If he was confessing, then he knew he was telling the one person who would keep his secret safe. Maybe he thinks I don’t even understand what he says. I just want to know for sure. Because if Dan is a murderer, and he finds out Sarah is cheating on h
im . . .

  I can’t sleep at all, waiting to know that Sarah is safely back. My room is downstairs, but at the back of the house, and I listen for the sound of the front door. Finally I hear her come in, but I’m facing away from my bedside clock so can’t see the time. Maybe she’ll come in to turn me – I have to be turned in the night so I don’t get sore from being in one position. Yes. I can hear her footsteps.

  She’s breathing quite fast and her hands aren’t as gentle as usual. She catches my eye in the dimmed light, and sees that I’m awake. I will her to tell me what happened. Sometimes Sarah seems to read my mind. That’s one of the things I love about her.

  ‘That wasn’t the best evening of my life,’ she whispers.

  I wait eagerly for more. She sits down on the edge of the bed.

  ‘I can’t believe Dan turned up! That glove thing was just an excuse, don’t you think? He’s getting so serious – he said he couldn’t bear to be apart from me.’ She laughs. ‘I sat in his car with my fingers crossed that he wouldn’t think something was wrong. Then he wanted to actually come into the cinema with me, but luckily it was really hard to park so he couldn’t.’

  She runs her hand through her hair. Only Sarah would get herself into this situation.

  ‘I was scared he might hang around so I texted Richard from the loos to say I’d be late and waited ten minutes before I even dared walk to the pub! You’ve gotta laugh, Jem.’

  Sarah is not taking this seriously at all. At least it sounds like Dan didn’t catch her out.

  ‘When I got there,’ she continues, ‘Richard looked so pleased to see me. I just couldn’t do it to him.’

  My heart sinks. Sarah is fidgeting and looks excited about something. Has she changed her mind and decided she wants to be with Richard after all?

  ‘Jem, he’s only gone and booked tickets for us to see Glowlight next month! It’ll be amazing!’ She gives me a sheepish look. ‘Is it really bad if I keep going out with him until then?’

  Glowlight! Well, it’s not great to use him for his tickets, but it is Glowlight. Maybe I’d do the same . . . No, this is wrong. Sarah needs to break up with Richard!

  ‘Perhaps we could just go to the concert as friends,’ she continues. ‘But I don’t think Richard would like that. I know Dan wouldn’t.’

  She sighs and smooths my duvet down.

  ‘I’m such a coward, Jem.’

  I don’t know what I’d do if I were Sarah – though I’d like to think I wouldn’t get myself into such a mess in the first place.

  6

  When the minibus drops me back from school on Monday, Mum tells me we have visitors. She pushes my wheelchair into the kitchen, where Mr and Mrs Blake are drinking tea. Paula and Mum have known each other for years, but more to say hello in the street than as actual friends. I remember her coming to Mum a few times when Ryan was young and playing up, asking Mum for advice. I think there was a time when she even hoped Mum would foster him.

  Since Ryan died Mum’s tried to be supportive, and Paula’s been round here a few times. Graeme – Mr Blake – doesn’t usually come with her, though.

  Paula says hi to me and smiles, but her grief is clear in the deep lines on her face and her drooping eyes. Graeme shuffles awkwardly and taps the rim of his mug with his finger. I can tell that I make him uncomfortable. I notice he’s kept his black outdoor jacket on while Paula has taken off her coat. He’s clearly hoping not to be here long.

  ‘I know he was no angel,’ Paula is saying to Mum, ‘but I was so hard on him – always nagging, criticising, going on at him to change. The last thing I said to him was, “Get out and don’t come back!” Can you believe it? That’s what I said!’

  She bursts into tears.

  Graeme touches her shoulder and shuffles awkwardly again.

  Mum hands Paula a tissue.

  ‘I know,’ says Mum, ‘but you could never have known what would happen. You were trying to set boundaries. He knew you loved him. He knew that’s why you kept on at him.’

  ‘Do you really think so?’ Paula sobs.

  When we were little, Ryan used to stick his tongue out at me if he passed me in the street. Then when he got a bit older, he called me ‘Spaz’ or ‘Spazzie’ or worse things. He even spat at me once.

  I don’t miss Ryan, but obviously I feel horrible for Paula. Ryan was a loser, but he was still her son – and Graeme’s.

  I look at Graeme. He’s like a block of stone.

  Paula sips her tea. ‘I can’t bear the thought that the monster who did it is walking around free. I might pass him in the street and never know.’

  Dan’s face comes into my mind. Yes, you might, I think. He was here – he was here in this house, I want to tell Paula. A sound comes out of my mouth, a strained gurgle. Paula glances at me and quickly away again.

  I wish I could tell them what he said. Just in case. I don’t know if Dan and Ryan even knew each other. They’re very different. And Dan doesn’t seem like he’d be involved with drugs and gangs and stuff. Or maybe he’s just good at hiding it. ‘We’d better be off,’ Graeme says gruffly.

  Paula turns and gives him a bewildered look as if to say, ‘Off where? Off for what? What is there to be off for?’

  But she pulls herself up from the chair and Graeme helps her on with her coat.

  ‘At least the Crimewatch thing might help,’ I hear Mum say, as she sees them out. ‘Let’s just hope someone calls in and the police get a lead.’

  So Ryan’s murder is going to be on Crimewatch ! Maybe that will make everything clear. I hope Mum and Dad will let me watch it. I’ve never seen it, but I know about it – how they reconstruct crimes, and people watching can phone up if they know anything. Maybe there will be some clue that will tell me if Dan really did it – and if he did, then Sarah or Mum or Dad or someone else watching will surely realise it was him.

  7

  Sarah greets me when the minibus drops me back from school on Tuesday, with a smile even bigger than her usual cheerful one.

  ‘Ooh, Jem! A letter’s come from your sister!Your mum hasn’t opened it. She’s waiting for you. But I hope she’ll show me later! I’m dying to know what she’s said.’

  Sarah wheels me into the kitchen, announcing ‘Jemma’s home!’ to Mum. She doesn’t go – I think she’s hoping Mum will let her stay.

  ‘Thanks, Sarah,’ says Mum.

  Sarah shoots me a pretend annoyed look and leaves, closing the door after her.

  We sit at the kitchen table and Mum carefully opens the white envelope.

  My heart thuds.

  ‘Are you ready for this?’ Mum asks.

  She puts the letter down so I can see it.

  ‘Dear Jemma,’ she reads. ‘I didn’t know you existed until a few months ago. I found some papers in a drawer that were about me. One of them had your name on it under mine. My name is Jodi and I am your sister! ’

  Mum pauses and looks up at me, before continuing.

  ‘In fact, more than that, Jemma. We are twins! ’

  Twins? Mum never told me that.

  ‘We must have been born only minutes apart,’ Mum reads. ‘The thing is – I’ve always had this weird feeling – like something was missing. When I found out about you I thought – this is it! This explains it. I have a twin sister. We spent nine months together before we were born and we’ve been separated ever since. ’

  Missing? I’ve never felt that. But maybe that’s because so much else is missing for me – like legs and arms that work and a voice.

  Mum is still reading.

  ‘Now I’m going to tell you some stuff about me. I live in Enfield – only a few miles from you! I live with my mum and dad (the ones who adopted me), but I don’t have any brothers or sisters. I’ve ALWAYS wanted a sister.

  ‘Favourite things. Colour – purple. Food – ice-cream sundae. Sport – hockey (I play for the school team). Pet – cat (mine’s called Fluff – she really is like a fluffy white bundle and I love her to bits! She went missing l
ast year and was found up a tree after three days!). People – my best friend, Ava, my boyfriend, Jack, and my parents too. They are lovely and even though I was angry that they didn’t tell me about you and they were upset that I found out, they’ve calmed down now and said they’re sorry that they didn’t tell me before.

  ‘There’s so much more I could write, but I’ll stop now as I’ve got tons of homework.

  ‘I know you have disabilities and that you can’t write back. I’ve been told about that. It’s no big deal. Don’t worry, I’ll keep writing!

  ‘I’ve put in a photo of me, though our printer at home is rubbish and it’s come out a bit dark. I’ll try to find a better photo – and maybe next time I’ll send you a picture of Fluff too!

  ‘I will write again soon.

  ‘Love, Jodi x. ’

  Mum holds the photo so I can see it. It’s kind of blurry, but Jodi has dark hair like mine and her eyes are a bit like mine too. She looks pretty.

  ‘I’ll reply for you, Jemma,’ says Mum. ‘And I’ll encourage Jodi to keep writing. We’ll take things slowly and hopefully one day you’ll be able to meet her.’

  I’m only half listening. I can’t take my eyes off the photo. That’s my sister – my twin sister!

  Mum puts the photo by my bed and looking at it and thinking about the letter keeps me happy for the next couple of days. I am sleeping better too. It is almost enough to stop me thinking about Dan. But when Thursday evening comes I am desperate for Dad to let me stay in the lounge to watch Crimewatch.

  Sarah’s upstairs putting Finn and Olivia to bed and Mum’s getting her coat on to go to Weightwatchers. She’s been trying to eat healthily, but I know her secret – I see her hide bars of chocolate between the books on the highest shelf in the lounge.

  I’m hoping my limbs stay still and no sounds escape my mouth so she’ll forget I’m here as Dad is more likely to let me watch Crimewatch than Mum. But Mum comes to say goodbye to me and then turns to Dad.