I Have No Secrets

by Penny Joelson

  ‘I’m only telling the truth – so why should I be punished?’ Olivia protests.

  It’s Mum to the rescue as she comes downstairs and invites Richard through to the kitchen.

  ‘I’m sorry to drop in like this,’ he says. ‘The police came round. They’ve been asking more questions . . .’

  Richard’s voice disappears into the kitchen. I strain to catch anything – try to tune out all other sounds – but it’s no use.

  My bag needs emptying. If Sheralyn takes me to the bathroom there’s a good chance I will hear something. I want her to notice, but she is still busy arguing with Olivia.

  ‘I’m going upstairs,’ Olivia says finally. She seems to be expecting Sheralyn to protest, but Sheralyn says nothing and Olivia storms out and up the stairs.

  I see Finn’s clenched hand on the sofa relax as she leaves the room.

  ‘I’ll take Jemma to the toilet and then I’ll be back,’ Sheralyn tells him.

  As she pushes me in and turns me I see that she hasn’t fully closed the door. I strain my ears to hear.

  ‘We don’t know for sure that it’s her,’ says Mum.

  ‘They think I k–’ says Richard. He swallows. ‘They think I’ve done something to her. They keep asking me – am I sure she got to the door, what did I do when I got home, can anyone confirm I was there?’

  ‘No one saw you get home, then?’ Mum asks.

  ‘I live on my own,’ says Richard. ‘Nobody saw me go into my flat.’ He’s babbling now, as his voice chokes up. ‘I love Sarah so much. I’d never hurt her. I’m not like that. I’d never hurt anyone.’

  ‘I’m sure you wouldn’t,’ says Mum. I can hear Richard crying again.

  ‘Anyway,’ says Mum, ‘we’ll have to wait until the body’s been identified. The police can’t have any evidence against you or they’d have arrested you, wouldn’t they?’

  Sheralyn is taking longer than usual. She must be eavesdropping too. Now the conversation seems to be ending she wheels me back quickly to the living room.

  The police must be questioning Richard for a reason. Even though I want to believe him, Poirot says I should never rule anyone out.

  33

  The minutes crawl by the next day at school as all I can do is think about it.

  Kate phoned early this morning. She said she didn’t think she could cope with identifying the body on her own. Mum was busy with us so Dad said he’d go. I can totally understand her asking, but I do feel sorry for Dad. I know how he felt about it.

  Sheralyn’s at college and the rest of us are home now, waiting for them to come back, waiting to find out if it’s her.

  Olivia is not happy as she’s had to miss ballet. I don’t think Finn’s aware enough to know he’s missed his swimming lesson too. Mum has decided we should play Pairs to take our minds off things. I say ‘we’, but Mum and I are playing together and Mum is mostly playing for Finn too. The cards are all laid out face down in rows and we take it in turns to pick two and see if they match. Mum is useless, which is frustrating as I have a good memory and could do much better than Mum if I could only pick the cards myself. Finn is not very interested at first, but he suddenly begins to pick out matching pairs by himself. I’ve never seen him play a proper game like this. Mum has to restrain him until it’s his turn. He is beating Olivia and I can see the tension building in her face. Finn has no interest in winning, of course. I don’t think he knows what that means. He’s just enjoying matching cards. Olivia will not cope well if she doesn’t win, least of all if she is beaten by Finn.

  Mum can see this too. She gives a brief lecture, supposedly to everyone, about winning not being everything and how not everyone can win.

  Finn gets another pair. Then another. Olivia picks two cards. They match. Phew! She has another turn. This pair doesn’t match. She throws those cards down and then kicks the rest of them so that they are all out of position.

  ‘Olivia,’ Mum says sternly.

  ‘I’m not playing this poxy game!’ Olivia yells and storms out. I hear her feet thudding loudly as she thumps her way upstairs.

  Mum sighs. She begins to put the cards in the box, but then sees that Finn is still playing with them. He turns all the cards face up and proceeds to match them into pairs and line them up. He is trying to make order out of the chaos.

  The game had actually distracted me from thinking about Sarah, but now Mum’s looking at her watch.

  The doorbell rings. I see Mum visibly jump.

  Dad has his key – unless he forgot it. I wonder who it is.

  I am facing the wrong way. I have to wait for a voice. ‘Hiya, any news?’ a voice asks softly. Of course – it’s Sheralyn. I’m glad she’s here.

  As Sheralyn comes into the lounge I hear Mum’s mobile ring.

  ‘Well?’ says Mum.

  It must be Dad. I wait – ears straining.

  ‘Oh, goodness,’ she says next.

  Mum comes into the lounge as Sheralyn is taking off her coat.

  I see Mum’s smile, but it is a small, sad smile. ‘It isn’t her,’ she tells us. ‘The body isn’t Sarah.’

  Mum flops down in the armchair, still clutching her phone to her ear, speaking into it. ‘See you soon, love,’ she says.

  I’m not sure if I’m crying or if my eye is just watering, but I can feel the wetness running down my cheek.

  Finn stands up, looking almost as if he’s going to say something. He turns and looks carefully at his lines of pairs. Every card is now matched, but one is slightly out of line. He straightens it and then claps his hands.

  Has he heard what Mum said? I’m sure he has.

  Sheralyn turns to Mum and then reaches out to give her a hug. Then Mum goes out into the hall, calling up the stairs for Olivia to come down.

  ‘The body isn’t Sarah,’ I hear Mum tell her.

  ‘Where is she, then?’ Olivia asks. ‘Where’s Sarah? Why doesn’t she come back?’

  ‘If it turns out she’s gone off somewhere on a whim,’ Kate says as we sit round the kitchen table with Mum and Dad. ‘I will never forgive her for putting me through that – never.’

  This sounds weird to me. Surely she should be relieved that the body wasn’t Sarah. But she and Dad just looked exhausted when they got back.

  Kate starts to cry. ‘When they pulled back the sheet – I was so expecting it to be her and then . . . and then . . .’

  ‘It must have been awful,’ says Mum. She looks at Dad. I can’t see his face, but his head nods slowly.

  Mum goes over to Kate and puts a hand on her shoulder.

  ‘That poor girl,’ says Dad. ‘The police don’t know who she is.’

  Dad shudders. Mum goes over and gives him a hug. She kisses him and he hugs her back. I can see the love between them and it warms me inside, like the hot chocolate Mum’s just made me that is the perfect temperature. People usually make it too cold as they’re so worried about it being too hot!

  Dad sits down and sips his coffee.

  ‘Thank you for coming with me,’ Kate tells Dad. ‘It would have been far worse on my own. I just want to find her. I think she’s alive and she’s gone off somewhere to sort her head out.’

  ‘I hope you’re right,’ says Mum.

  Soon after Kate leaves, I hear a sudden sobbing sound. It’s Mum crying. I think she still blames herself for Sarah going missing.

  Poor Mum. I wish I could comfort her and tell her it’s not her fault.

  And I need her to stay strong. If Mum goes to pieces she might decide she can’t look after us any more. Then what would happen?

  34

  Mum’s having a rest upstairs, and Dad and Sheralyn are looking after us. It’s evening now and Dan stands awkwardly in the hallway. Dad was wheeling me out of the lounge when the doorbell went, so I’m facing into the hall, wondering what he is doing here.

  ‘I heard about the body they found,’ he says. ‘Thank God it wasn’t her.’

  ‘Yes, Dan, it’s a huge relief,’ Dad agrees.
>
  ‘So there’s no news at all – no more sightings or anything?’ Dan asks.

  There’s something intense about the way he’s asking this.

  ‘No, nothing,’ he sighs.

  I give an involuntary grunt and Dad glances back towards me. ‘If only Jemma could speak,’ he says. ‘I often wonder what she’d be able to tell us.’

  ‘Yeah – I bet she knows all sorts,’ says Dan. He meets my eyes with a stare that makes me shudder.

  Dad nods. ‘Lorraine took her to a specialist who thinks there might be a way for Jemma to communicate, but we’ve got to wait to be able to try it.’

  ‘Really?’ There’s a distinct edge to Dan’s voice. His eyes flick over to me again. He watches me and something clouds his expression. His lip twitches as if he is about to say something.

  ‘Is there anything else?’ Dad asks.

  ‘No – no, I’ll let you get on. I hope you don’t mind me popping round. It’s just . . . I’m finding it tough, all this, you know.’

  ‘I’m sure you are. We all are,’ says Dad, as he sees Dan out.

  Dad comes back, sighing and pushes me into the lounge. I realise I must have been holding my breath as it all comes out in a rush. Dan’s face when he found out about the specialist. He looked like he was suddenly seeing me differently. Like I might not be so powerless after all. He already wanted me out of the way. If he thinks I could tell his secret, what will he do?

  The next morning there is something else for Mum to worry about – me. Maybe it’s just exhaustion after everything with Jodi and the body and what Dad told Dan, but my back’s aching again and I worry it’s another infection. I’m not ill enough to go into hospital, thank goodness, but my temperature’s up and I am too ill to go to school.

  I think I’d rather be at school to be honest as I don’t want to be a strain on Mum, and at least at school there would be other things to think about. Here I can only think about Dan and Sarah and Jodi. I keep imagining Dan waiting outside the house. Working out when he could get me alone. I’m scared of Dan and I’m scared I will never see Sarah or Jodi again.

  I’m in bed. Mum checks me every ten minutes and takes my temperature. If it gets too high I will have to go to hospital. Every bit of my body aches.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Jemma,’ Mum sighs. ‘Life’s the pits at the moment, isn’t it?’

  She’s right. I feel so low – the lowest I can remember feeling. There’s no point to anything any more. I used to be content to watch, but now I don’t like anything I’m seeing. Not being able to tell what I know is unbearable. I can do nothing – and Dan is running around free. I’m a complete waste of space. I’m a burden to everyone. I can’t tell anyone about Dan. I couldn’t protect Sarah. My own sister wanted to know me until she actually saw me and then she changed her mind. What is the point of me being alive?

  I feel so achy, so weak. They’ll have to send me to the hospital soon.

  Then I have a thought – a crazy thought. That would be Dan’s chance, wouldn’t it? That was how he got me on my own before. If Dan killed me and got caught, then they’d work it all out.

  I feel a weird elation and my heartbeat races. Maybe all these thoughts have finally sent me mad.

  I’m getting hot and sticky. Mum takes my temperature again. She tuts. ‘It’s too high, Jemma. This is no good. I’m going to call the hospital.’

  On this trip to hospital I am aware of everything – every corner turned, every bump in the road. I don’t want to live any more. Not having a sister was OK. Having one but not seeing her is horrible. It was bad enough not being able to communicate, but having something I desperately need to say and not being able to say it is too much to bear.

  I am woken by a cough – a man’s cough. It’s not Dad. I’d recognise Dad’s cough. I’m in hospital – I can smell the disinfectant. There’s a man standing close to me. Is it Dan? Has he come already? I can’t see. I am facing the wrong way for a start, but I can’t see anyway. I try to focus, but my vision is blurry.

  Right now I want Mum. I want Mum! A hand squeezes mine. It is a warm, soft hand.

  ‘It’s OK, Jemma. I’m here,’ Mum says gently.

  ‘Ah, Jemma, you’re awake,’ comes a man’s voice from the other side of the bed. He has a strong accent. It’s definitely not Dan.

  ‘I’m Doctor Sargent,’ the voice continues. He speaks slowly and loudly, as if I might not understand.

  Mum turns my head so that I can see a blurry white coat. The doctor is leaning over me. ‘You’re rather poorly,’ he continues, like I don’t know that, ‘and we’ve had to give you some medicine. Don’t worry if your vision is a bit fuzzy. It’s a side effect, but it should settle down.’

  I am relieved to have an explanation for the blurriness.

  Mum stays a long time and I don’t know how long she’s been here already. I sleep and wake and sleep and wake and she’s still here. Now I wake and think she’s gone as I can’t feel her hand, but I hear a snorting sound and then another. Mum’s hand has slipped from mine and she’s actually asleep. She’s snoring. Poor Mum. This is too much for her.

  Dad comes eventually and takes over. Then Sheralyn for a bit. They rotate. I mainly sleep. I dream about Dan.

  ‘If I were you, I’d top myself. Listen, if you ever want a bit of help, I could –’

  In my dream I am able to nod and then he is holding a pillow. It is coming down towards my face. I think, This is it. This is the end.

  35

  I’ve been here overnight. I know I will have to wait for Dan to find out I’m here, but I’m sure it won’t take him long. Someone else comes – someone I’m not expecting.

  It’s Paula.

  ‘This is so kind of you,’ Mum tells her. ‘I wouldn’t leave Jemma with someone she doesn’t know – but you know Paula well enough, don’t you?’ Mum looks at me and squeezes my hand. ‘It’s just for a bit. I have to go up to Olivia’s school.’

  I wonder briefly what’s happened with Olivia. Has she hit someone else? Then my thoughts turn to Paula. My vision is clear again now, thank goodness. Paula’s chunky knit jumper does not disguise how thin she’s getting. Her cheekbones are almost poking out of her face and her hands look so bony there is barely any flesh on them. I hope she’s not going to hold my hand. She shifts from one foot to another anxiously. It’s taken her courage to offer to do this and I admire her for that, but I’m not sure I want her here. Actually, I’m sure I don’t.

  ‘It’s no bother at all,’ Paula tells Mum. ‘You’ve been so kind to us – I’m glad to be able to do something for you.’

  ‘I’ve brought a book, if you fancy reading it to her,’ Mum tells Paula.

  Paula nods.

  Then Mum has gone.

  Paula picks up the book and turns it over. I realise at once that she’s not going to want to read it. It’s not the vampire romance, though I’m not sure Paula would like that much either. It’s a murder mystery! I hope she doesn’t think Mum is too insensitive for suggesting it. Paula sighs and puts it down.

  ‘Your mum says you understand everything so I’m sure you do. I wish they’d catch Ryan’s killer. I want to know what happened and why, and I want whoever did it locked up. Is that too much to ask, Jemma?’

  She sounds like she’s caught in a loop – like she’s said the words so many times. I wish I could speak to her. I could change things.

  ‘Between you and me there’s something I haven’t told the police, Jemma – and I don’t know what to do,’ she continues, leaning forwards and speaking quietly.

  I had slightly lost concentration as she rambled on, but now I am alert.

  ‘Before it happened,’ Paula tells me, ‘Ryan asked me to hide some stuff for him. I know I shouldn’t have – I should’ve at least asked what was going on, but he clearly didn’t want to tell me. I know I was stupid, but I did what he asked. I wanted to keep him out of trouble.’

  She pauses and I want to ask, ‘What stuff ?’

  She edges eve
n closer and her voice is lower, almost a whisper. ‘It was jewellery, Jemma – diamond rings, gold necklaces . . . and I think Ryan might have stolen it,’ she says. ‘I didn’t want the police to know he was a thief – they already know he was a drug user. They might have written him off – not bothered to look for his killer. So I hid the things. I’m sure I shouldn’t have done, but I promised him and I hid them – and when the police came looking for clues I didn’t tell them. I couldn’t cope with Graeme finding out what I’d done – and I didn’t want to get myself in trouble too.’

  I watch Paula – her eyes look straight through me like I’m not even here and she’s constantly rubbing her fingers together as she talks. It reminds me of Dan when Mum said the police were looking for him. It looks as if this guilt has been eating her up.

  ‘It didn’t occur to me at the time – but now I’m worried that the stuff belonged to the person who killed Ryan. What do you think, Jemma? I wish you could tell me – I bet you could work it out better than me.’

  Maybe I could work it out. I need to think . . .

  ‘The thing is, I don’t know what to do now,’ Paula continues, sighing. ‘Should I go to the police and tell them? I’m scared I might get arrested for withholding evidence. I could say I only just found them . . . but the police did such a thorough search they might not believe me. How will Graeme cope if I get banged up in prison? That’s why I haven’t even told him.’

  Paula suddenly sits up straighter. ‘I’m sorry, Jemma. I shouldn’t be talking to you about this, should I? It’s rotten of me. You’re ill – you don’t want to hear about Ryan – especially when you have Sarah to worry about too. Let’s talk about something else.’

  But she clearly can’t think of anything. She glances briefly at the book, but I can see she can’t face picking it up. So we sit silently and she twiddles her thumbs.

  I think about Ryan. I didn’t know him well, but it sounds likely that he did steal the things Paula found. Why would someone kill him for that, though? Maybe he owed money for the drugs, and he stole the things intending to sell them. Could there be any link with Dan and Sarah? Maybe Ryan stole the jewellery from Dan and that’s why Dan killed him. Then Sarah found out and he had to kill her too. The black jacket comes into my head. Could Graeme have been involved? Could he have found the jewellery and confronted Ryan? Or could Graeme have stolen them and Ryan found out? Then I remember Dan’s face when Dad said I might be able to communicate.