I Have No Secrets

by Penny Joelson

  Jodi whispers to me. ‘Is that them? Were they talking about Sarah?’

  ‘YES.’ The word appears on the screen, but I am careful not to select the speaker button. It’s hard to sniff accurately. I have to slow down even though I want to get the words out fast. ‘POLICE.’

  I can see Jodi hesitating. Maybe she’s wondering if it’s safe to call from here or if it is even more dangerous to move in case they come out and spot us.

  Jodi takes out her mobile. ‘Police,’ she says quietly, when the call connects. There’s another pause. ‘We think someone’s being held prisoner. Behind the Co-op on Redding Road – the derelict garages. We’re too scared to move. Two of us. My sister’s in a wheelchair.’ She listens, then hangs up.

  ‘They’re coming,’ she whispers.

  I’m starting to feel shivery. What if Dan heard? What if he finds us here?

  We wait. The buildings around us seem to creak and groan. Apart from that it is quiet. Did the police believe Jodi? Did they realise the urgency?

  At last! There is the crunch of tyres and the sound of an engine. The police car pauses at our end of the gap, headlights lighting the grey tarmac. Jodi runs out. I can’t see what’s happening. I hear the car doors opening, footsteps.

  There’s a muffled scream – a woman’s scream.

  Then I hear the voice.

  ‘Police!’

  I hear shouting, banging. I’m terrified. I can’t see Jodi. I can’t see anything. The police car is in the way.

  It feels like an age and my heart is thudding like a drum. What’s happening? What?

  Then I hear the voice again. ‘Ambulance needed, garages on Redding Road, behind the Co-op.’

  A gurgling noise comes from my throat. No! Then I hear, ‘Woman in her twenties, conscious but injured.’

  She’s alive! Sarah’s alive!

  Jodi is back. She pushes me out into the yard, which is now action-packed, like something from a film. There are more flashing lights. A police van is here now too. A man is in handcuffs, getting in the back. I can’t see well, but I think it’s Billy.

  ‘Move back,’ a policeman tells us. Then suddenly Dan is in front of me. He’s handcuffed too. His eyes meet mine. His mouth drops open in astonishment.

  I feel hot and cold all at once. I got you, Dan. I got you!

  And then I realise – I can say something. At last, I can say something to Dan. I start to sniff.

  ‘FREAK.’

  Dan’s shoulders jolt in surprise and his eyes are wide. He turns away and the policeman blocks my view as he gets into the van. An ambulance arrives, and there is hardly space for it to park. The paramedics jump out and I wait. I desperately want to see Sarah. But she doesn’t appear. They’re taking ages. How badly hurt is she? The police are saying we should go home. A policeman offers to come with us, but Jodi says no, it’s not far to walk. They say they’ll take statements from us later. They are talking to Jodi as if I am not there.

  ‘We came because of Jemma,’ Jodi says. ‘Something she overheard. She thought it might be important and wanted to check it out.’

  ‘Well, it was a really risky thing to do,’ says the police officer, ‘but you did well, both of you.’

  When we reach home, Jodi rings the bell and Mum opens the door, smiling. ‘You were a while. Everything OK?’

  Jodi doesn’t speak. I think the shock of everything has suddenly hit her.

  ‘Did you manage to get the onions?’ asks Mum.

  51

  ‘NO,’ I sniff. ‘GOT DAN.’

  ‘You did what?’ Mum asks as we make our way into the kitchen.

  ‘We forgot the onions, but the police have got Dan,’ Jodi tells Mum. ‘Because of Jemma.’

  Mum’s mouth opens, but she can’t speak.

  ‘FOUND SARAH,’ I tell Mum.

  ‘Is she . . .?’ Mum asks.

  ‘She’s alive,’ says Jodi.

  Mum listens to our story. A police officer arrives at the door. I recognise him from the garages. He says he is DS Bell and he wants to ask me and Jodi some questions. He wants us to come to the station so they can video my answers. I have done so much sniffing today I can barely stay awake. I ask how Sarah is, but all he can say is that she’s been taken to hospital, which I already know.

  At least at the police station DS Bell questions me as if he believes everything I’m saying. He’s very different to PC Hunt.

  When we’re finished, Mum drops Jodi at her house and takes me home. I am able to tell her I want to sit in the lounge with some gentle music on. I think if she hadn’t been able to ask me she would have put me to bed, but my mind is whirring far too much to sleep.

  I can’t believe what just happened. What Dan did – it makes me sick. Keeping Sarah locked up in a garage all these weeks, and coming round here, pretending he was worried about her. And what if we hadn’t been there at that moment? I think how we nearly turned back. We were about to. I shudder. Poor Sarah – I can’t imagine what it was like locked in there. She must have been desperate. She must have wondered if she’d ever get out.

  Then I think about what I did. I can hardly believe that either. Dan thought I was powerless, but I wasn’t. I knew I wanted to communicate, but I never really thought about the power it would give me. I feel different – like I have a new inner strength. Even so, I realise there are some things you just can’t control – no one can, like the way other people behave.

  We have fish and chips for dinner and I manage to sniff, ‘KETCHUP.’ Mum looks at me in surprise before mashing some ketchup into my chips. Mum fills Dad in on everything that’s happened. Dad shakes his head in disbelief.

  I watch Finn lining up his chips in neat rows on his plate. Next minute he’s pushed the plate away and is banging his head on the table.

  ‘Finn! Stop that,’ Dad tells him. ‘What’s the matter?’

  I look – and I can see what’s wrong. Finn is one chip short. As he leaned over the plate, a chip attached itself to his jumper and is still hanging below his elbow.

  I have to swallow my mouthful and then I sniff, ‘FINN.’

  His head jerks up in surprise at the computer voice saying his name. He looks bewildered. He doesn’t seem sure where it’s coming from.

  I select the speaker again. ‘FINN. FINN.’ Until he looks at me

  ‘CHIP JUMPER,’ I tell him. Finn looks at his jumper and suddenly sees the chip. He pulls it off and puts it back in line on his plate.

  ‘Well done, Jemma,’ says Dad.

  This is the first thing I have said to Finn. He glances up at me, meeting my eyes for just a second. He’s smiling.

  The next day Mum is meant to be coming with me to school to show my teachers how the sniff controller works. I feel completely drained after yesterday, though, and tell her I don’t feel up to school.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ says Mum. ‘Stay home today and rest. I’ll come and show them another day.’

  It is late afternoon when the phone rings. Mum answers it and then runs into the lounge.

  ‘Jemma, that was Paula. The police have got the DNA results back from the knife. Someone had tried to clean it with bleach, apparently, but there were still tiny specks of blood. It was the knife that killed Ryan!’

  ‘DAN,’ I sniff.

  ‘No,’ says Mum. ‘Dan’s alibi for that night was backed up by CCTV. He was miles away at a casino, or something. But what they have discovered is that a hair found on Ryan’s clothing belongs to Billy. He’s the main suspect now, Paula says.’

  ‘WHY BILLY?’ I sniff. It still doesn’t make sense. If Billy killed Ryan, why did Dan make me think he did it?

  ‘I’ve no idea why Billy did it,’ says Mum.

  ‘SARAH?’ I ask.

  ‘I’ve spoken to Kate,’ says Mum. ‘They’re keeping her in hospital for a few days, but it sounds like she’ll be OK.’

  I am so relieved. I just want her back here.

  52

  Sarah is coming! There’s been a weird atmosphere at h
ome these last few days – such a mixture of things, like one of Mum’s ‘everything goes in’ stews. We’re all pleased and relieved that Sarah’s been found, that she’s alive – but shocked too, and horrified at what she’s been through. I am less shocked than Mum and Dad because I knew what Dan was like – but I still feel dreadful thinking about all those days Sarah was locked in that garage. If I only I could have told them sooner, if only I could have warned Sarah, she might not have had to go through all that.

  Kate wanted Sarah to go and stay with her, but Sarah wanted to come here. I am worried about what state she’ll be in, how she’ll be feeling – but I can’t wait for her to be back. Once Sarah is here things will feel a bit more normal again.

  I hear the bell. My heart starts beating so fast. Sarah. Sarah! But the voice isn’t Sarah’s. It’s Paula.

  ‘Jemma,’ says Paula, as she comes into the lounge. ‘Thank you so much! It’s down to you that they got him, that evil man.’

  ‘Do they know why did Billy did it?’ Mum asks her.

  ‘He’s a thief,’ Paula tells us. ‘The police have connected him to a string of thefts from jewellers. I suspected my Ryan had got himself into some kind of mess. They think he was helping out with raids and decided to keep some of the stuff himself. And Billy wasn’t having that.’

  Mum is shaking her head as she takes all this in.

  Paula carries on. ‘And I’m thinking that if Dan knew what Billy had done, he used it to make Billy help him kidnap Sarah.’

  There’s a pause as all of this sinks in.

  ‘SARAH COMING,’ I sniff.

  ‘Really?’ says Paula. ‘That’s wonderful! The poor girl – it’s dreadful to think . . .’

  ‘Yes, she should be here soon,’ Mum says, looking at her watch. ‘It’s because of Jemma that they found Sarah too, of course.’

  Mum smiles at me.

  ‘Anyway, I won’t stick around if you’re expecting Sarah,’ Paula says, standing up. ‘I just wanted to fill you in – and to thank you, Jemma. I’ll be off.’

  Paula has only been gone two minutes when the doorbell rings again.

  So many times I’ve imagined her walking through the door. And here she is.

  I knew she might look different after going through something so horrific, but this doesn’t stop the shock when I see her. She looks thinner. Her hair is lank, her skin spotty and her eyes have a scary emptiness. She does manage a tiny smile when she sees me. She opens her mouth as if to speak, but she coughs. The cough is chesty and hollow and it feels like it will never stop.

  ‘Jemma, it’s so good to see you,’ she finally croaks. ‘Thank you . . . for everything.’ Her voice is sad and small, and even though I know she’s pleased to see me, it feels like part of her is somewhere else.

  Now is my chance – my chance to communicate with Sarah for the first time. ‘LOVE YOU SARAH,’ I sniff.

  She manages a slightly bigger smile. ‘Wow. Look at you talking!’

  There’s a silence. No one really knows what to say. She knows – she must know – we care about her so much. But you can’t just fix something like this.

  Sarah turns to Mum. ‘I’ll go and have a shower, if that’s OK?’ she says. ‘I had showers at the hospital of course, but I don’t feel clean. I can’t . . .’

  ‘Have a shower, love – take as long as you want,’ says Mum.

  She disappears upstairs. It is Sarah – but it isn’t. Things aren’t going to be the same. And of course I knew that, deep down. It will be good that I can speak, though – I want to help her feel better.

  Sarah doesn’t come down for about an hour. I wait and wait. She looks better, but her face still has an emptiness.

  ‘Cup of tea?’ asks Mum.

  ‘Thank you.’ Sarah nods.

  Mum goes into the kitchen to make it and Sarah sits down with me.

  ‘I can’t believe I was so wrong about him,’ she says quietly. ‘I expect you knew, Jemma. I bet you’ve got more sense than me.’

  ‘I KNEW,’ I tell her.

  ‘I should have stuck with Richard – sweet Richard. I don’t know what got into me.’

  Mum comes in at the end of this.

  ‘He was a charmer, Dan,’ says Mum. ‘Anyone can fall for a charmer.’

  ‘He said I was his and his alone, like he owned me.’ Sarah looks shaky.

  ‘Don’t talk about it now unless you want to,’ says Mum, touching her shoulder gently.

  Sarah takes a sip of tea and then coughs that chesty cough again.

  ‘Have they given you something for that cough?’ Mum asks.

  Sarah nods. ‘I’ve got antibiotics. It was freezing and draughty in that garage.’

  ‘How could he do it – treat you like that?’ Mum’s voice is bitter. ‘He deceived us all, you know.’

  I wasn’t taken in, but I don’t bother to point this out.

  ‘You’re welcome to stay here and rest up,’ says Mum. ‘Take all the time you need to recover. It must’ve been a horrendous ordeal.’

  ‘Thanks,’ says Sarah. She rubs her eyes. ‘Look – I don’t . . . this, this is so hard . . . I hope you’ll all understand – but . . .’

  I brace myself as Sarah pauses. But what ?

  Sarah sighs. ‘I need space and time to sort myself out. I wanted to come here because this is my home – but I’m only staying a few days. Then I’ll go to my sister’s. I need time to think.’

  ‘WANT YOU STAY,’ I sniff. ‘I LOOK AFTER YOU.’

  Sarah gives a little gasp. ‘That is so sweet, Jemma. I love you. This – it’s not to do with you, I promise. I . . . I don’t know. I just need space.’

  As I try to take in this awful news, Sarah tells us that Richard visited her in hospital yesterday.

  ‘He feels so bad about not seeing me into the house after the concert,’ she says. ‘I tried to say he’s got nothing to feel bad about – I was cheating on him!’

  ‘I don’t think you or Richard should worry yourselves about that now, not after everything . . .’ Mum sighs. ‘What happened – when you got out of the car, after the concert?’ she asks. Then she puts her hand over her mouth. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sure you don’t want to talk about it.’

  ‘It’s OK,’ says Sarah. ‘I got to the front door and just as I went to put the key in, a hand went over my mouth. Dan was holding me tight, forcing me to walk, and he bundled me into a car and drove me to that garage. He’d found out about Richard and he was angry – so angry! But I deserved it, didn’t I?’ Sarah breaks into sobs.

  ‘You can’t think that!’ says Mum, just as I sniff, ‘NO.’

  ‘Dan may have felt angry, but that could never make it OK – what he did,’ says Mum. Her fists are clenched.

  Sarah bursts into tears. Mum is by her side in a second. She puts her arm round Sarah and grabs some tissues from the table. I try to think of something I can say.

  But I guess sometimes there is nothing you can say. It’s just being there that’s important.

  I can’t take in that she’s leaving. Is she going to come back? I have wanted her back so much. I know the most important thing is that she’s OK – and that she does what she needs to do right now. I’m trying not to think about myself in this, but I don’t want her to go, not now. Not straight away.

  Later, I am lying in bed and overhear Mum and Dad talking in the kitchen. Sarah has gone to bed early.

  ‘I can’t bear thinking about it,’ Mum says, ‘her being locked up in that garage all that time. At least she says he didn’t lay a finger on her.’

  ‘No, just left her there to rot,’ Dad says sourly.

  ‘Acted like he was doing her a favour by bringing a bit of food and water. Expecting her to be grateful – can you imagine?’ says Mum. ‘I’m not surprised she wants a break.’

  ‘Maybe we need a break too,’ Dad says.

  I feel a flash of alarm. What is he saying?

  ‘We’ve had such a tough few months,’ Dad continues. ‘Jemma cou
ld go to that college. I’m sure she’ll get on well now she has the sniff controller. Someone else could take Finn.’

  ‘No!’ says Mum.

  I am relieved that she sounds so horrified.

  ‘You know how he hates change – and Jemma too,’ says Mum. ‘They need us.’

  ‘We’re only good for them if we are in a good state ourselves. And I’m not sure we are,’ says Dad.

  Then I hear Mum crying.

  I knew things weren’t going to stay the same, but Mum and Dad ? I thought they’d always be here. How wrong could I be?

  53

  All night my mind tosses and turns even though my body can’t. I thought my world was going to be back to normal now that Dan is in custody. I thought my home, my ‘nest’ would be safe – with Mum and Dad and Sarah and Finn and the chance to get to know my sister Jodi too.

  I can speak. I told Mum to let Olivia stay, and they’ve sent her away. I told Sarah I wanted her to stay and I love her – but it made no difference. So what is the point?

  I am awake when Mum comes to turn me. I realise Sarah may never do it again; never turn me, never read to me, never paint my nails, never confide her secrets.

  In the morning Mum puts my sniff-controller tubes up my nose, but I have nothing to say. I can’t bear what’s happening and I don’t even answer when Mum asks me if I am OK.

  Sarah doesn’t come down for breakfast. Mum takes up a tray with coffee and toast.

  ‘Talk to me, Jemma,’ Mum says gently, when she comes down. ‘You can tell me how you feel and what you’re thinking now. Let me try to help.’

  I know I am being mean, but I don’t feel like communicating. It is an effort to do it and I don’t even know what to say.

  ‘Are you upset about Sarah?’ Mum asks me.

  I rouse myself to sniff Y and then select YES from the predictive text.

  ‘I know,’ says Mum. ‘We got her back and now she’s going again. It’s so hard, isn’t it? But we’ll cope. This is what she needs – and whatever happens, she’s part of our family. And we’ll make sure you always have the care you need, Jemma.’