Founded on Goodbye: A Rockstar Romance

by Kat Singleton

  Once the show was over, I was so pissed about the situation we were in that I didn’t say a word to anyone. I went straight to my dressing room, my lips wrapped around the bottle of vodka before the door was even shut. Unfortunately, the alcohol did nothing to help my aching heart, the buzz from the vodka doing nothing to dull the pain. All it did was make me feel worse about myself. It was a reminder that nothing can bring me the same high I felt with Nora. I know I need to let her go, but I’m not ready yet.

  Standing at her hotel room door, I know before I even knock that this is a mistake. This won’t do anything but cause me more heartache and confusion. But it doesn’t stop me from knocking on her door, holding my breath as I wait for her to answer.

  The alcohol is still running through me, but only slightly, my head aware enough to understand the mistake I’m making. The door swings open, a surprised Nora standing on the other side. She has on a long-sleeve T-shirt and nothing else. A hollow feeling develops in my stomach when I realize it’s one of the T-shirts that’s sold at each one of my shows, the logo for the current tour embroidered over her heart.

  “Nash?” she asks, her eyes skirting over my appearance. I haven’t changed since the show, my shirt disheveled. “What are you doing here?”

  Taking a deep breath, I stare her down, allowing myself to really look at her for the first time in a while. Her hair stands up in different places, making it look like I may have woken her up.

  Before losing my resolve, I answer her. “After the show…”

  “Everyone knows what you’ve been doing after the shows, Nash. You don’t have to remind me,” she interrupts, referring to the photos of me heading to different clubs with women.

  I don’t bother to tell her that nothing has happened with any of those women. I’ve only been taking them out in the hopes that Nora would see and it would maybe hurt her a fraction of the way she’s hurt me.

  “After the show,” I repeat, “I was alone and realized something. You had months to plan out a goodbye, knowing it was evident before we even met, and yet, I got the worst goodbye possible. I want a better goodbye, Rose.”

  She looks at me dumbfounded. “What does that even mean?”

  “It means if this is going to be the last time, I see you, I want to make it count.” Stepping into the doorway, I crowd her, aware of her every move.

  “Nash, we shouldn’t. It isn’t right. We can’t—”

  A sad laugh escapes my chest. “Oh, so now you’re worried about what is right? Too late for that.”

  “If I could go back and change things, I would.”

  My eyes assess her every move, trying to decipher if she’s telling the truth or not. She looks me in the eye, not cowering away. I wrap a piece of her curled hair around my finger. “Now that’s something we can’t do. No matter how much I wish we could.”

  “I didn’t mean to—”

  I stop her, not wanting to hear any more of her lies, or her truths at this point. I don’t know what to believe from her mouth by now, so I prefer to hear nothing.

  She opens the door, allowing me into her room. I take in the modern space around her. It’s smaller than my penthouse suite, but still nice.

  Making myself at home, I walk all the way in until I take a seat on her bed. “Your mouth has told me nothing but lies. I want to hear from your body one last time. Maybe at least that was real.”

  She crosses her arms over her middle. “You want to fuck me?”

  My fingers play with the studs on the sleeve of my leather jacket. It takes me a minute to think of a response. I struggle with how honest I want to be with her. “Maybe if I know it’s the last time, I’ll be able to move on.”

  Her spine straightens with my words. If I knew better, I’d say there appears to be hurt in her eyes. “I should be easy to forget.”

  Laughing, I shake my head. “I’ve written songs about you, you know.”

  Her lips fall open as she walks closer to me. She stops, resting against the corner of the wall a few feet away from me. “Nash…”

  “I think this album might be the best one because of you. You did a number on my heart, Nora. I couldn’t have come up with a better plan myself. I did need another broken heart to be able to connect with my lyrics. Maybe one day I’ll thank you, but today isn’t that day. Today I’m still so fucking mad at you. But today I’m also still so damn in love with you.”

  “I don’t deserve your love, Nash.” My eyes track the path of a lone teardrop falling from her eye.

  “No, you don’t,” I say sadly. “But that doesn’t help the fact that you have it.”

  The two of us are silent, neither one of us knowing how to act around the other. There’s so much tension in the air, with every inhale I find myself needing her more and more.

  Looking her in the eye, finding those hazel eyes pinned on me, I confess that I want to be able to hurt her like she hurt me. “I hope my songs follow you everywhere you go. I hope you hear them on the radio, and you’re reminded of me. Sometimes I hope you hurt like I do, and that makes me such a sick fuck.”

  She closes the distance between us, running a hand over my cheek. I lean into her touch, relishing in the feel of her skin against mine once again. “Would it help if I told you I love you too?”

  I look at her eyes, wanting to climb into that mind of hers to sift through the lies and truths she’s told. Giving her a sad smile, I answer. “No, it wouldn’t, Rose. How can you plan to hurt someone you love?”

  Her hand stiffens against my cheek. She doesn’t give me an answer, instead she leans in, her lips hovering over mine. “Is this what you want, Nash?”

  Hesitating, my mind reviews all the different reasons this shouldn’t happen. Tasting her again will just be a relapse for me. Whatever mending my heart has done since the truth of her betrayal came to light will be ruined. But at this point, I’m not sure any healing has even happened.

  It doesn’t take long for me to make up my mind. I capture her lips in mine, letting my hands tangle in the long strands of her hair one last time. Our bodies mold against each other, her tongue eagerly entering my mouth.

  Spinning us around, I let our bodies fall against the bed. I take my time running a hand over the curves of her body. If this is the last time I have with her, I want to make it count, savor it for as long as possible.

  “Off,” I tell her, lifting up for long enough to get her sleep shirt off. Underneath she wears no bra and a thin pair of panties.

  “You’re killing me, Nora,” I tell her, my eyes raking over her near-naked body. I watch in fascination as she takes a shaky breath in, her breasts rising and falling in anticipation.

  “I’m sorry,” she says underneath me. Her hand slides under my leather jacket and T-shirt. Looking into her eyes, I know she’s sorry, but even her apology doesn’t make up for what’s been done.

  “It’s my turn to talk,” I instruct, holding my finger over her mouth to let her know to stay quiet. “I’m so fucking furious with you, so hurt by you,” I say, leaning over her. My hand swipes the tendrils of her chestnut hair off her shoulder. I’m met with her soft, bare skin. “You were the last person I ever thought would hurt me.” My lips roam over her exposed skin, the beat of her pulse thumping against my lips.

  She tries to pull at my jacket to remove it, but I don’t let her. Right now, I’m saying what I came here to say, and she’s going to have to listen.

  My finger lazily drifts up her stomach, her lean muscles flexing beneath my touch. “You betrayed me in the worst possible way, Nora. My heart feels like it’s been stripped from my chest and laid out for everyone to examine.” I point to the spot on her chest that covers up her beating heart. I lay my palm flat against it, relishing in the way the beat starts to pick up.

  “Yet, despite it all, I’m still in love with you.” Leaning down, I take one of her peaked nipples in my mouth.

  A moan falls from her lips, the sound filling the otherwise quiet room.

  “I still wan
t you with every part of me.” I feather kisses down her stomach. Nora squirms underneath me, her hands fisting around the white sheets. “Even the parts you hurt. Maybe the broken parts of me are the pieces that love you the most.” My fingers hook into the underwear on either side of her hips. I tug, pulling the panties down and letting them get lost in the tangle of sheets.

  Before leaning close to taste her, I look up to find her propped up on her elbow. She watches me carefully, her cheeks flushed under the yellow hotel lights.

  “But I don’t trust that you feel the same way. Now I’m left in this mindfuck of a situation. Loving you despite the betrayal, but not being able to trust you because of it.”

  She opens her mouth to say something. “I—”

  Before she can say anything else, my mouth molds to her core, no longer wanting to have a conversation. I bared my soul to her. I told her that even after all the hurt and pain, I still want her more than anything else in the world. I still love her. I’ve laid it all on the table, unsure of what I want except a better goodbye.

  Words are useless for us now, the both of us speaking with our bodies. I bring her to the brink of release before removing my mouth from her. Kissing my way back up her body, I take her mouth in mine. Our kisses used to be slow and romantic, but tonight, they’re untamed and wild. Deep down, we both know this has to be the end of us. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust her again, which sets us up for nothing but disaster. We have to end, but one more night together won’t cause any more hurt. Or it will, the two of us too reckless to care.

  Nora’s fingernails dig into my back as she pulls my body against hers. Her teeth scrape against my bottom lip, causing a short sting of pain. Shocking me, Nora places both hands on my chest, pushing me away. I’m about to ask her what she’s doing when she gestures for me to lie down. Following her lead, I scoot back until my shoulders hit the headboard. She pushes my jacket off, stripping off all my layers until I’m left shirtless. Moving on to my pants, she quickly undoes the button and fly of my jeans, pulling both my jeans and briefs off in one motion.

  The two of us are completely naked, and for some reason, I feel way more exposed to her this time than I have any other time. Maybe it’s the confessions I’ve made, maybe it’s the knowledge that there’s a good chance this’ll be the last time I ever see her like this. Whatever it is, I’m extremely turned on. She doesn’t have to do much to get me ready. Her knees come to rest on either side of my hips, her legs fully straddling me. She lines her center up with my dick, rolling over it, making me throw my head back.

  Her hips move back and forth in a tantalizing rhythm. I want to enter her so bad, to grab her hips and take the lead. But I’m also turned on by having her in control. Her hands come up to rest on my shoulders, her fingers kneading into the back of my neck. Our eyes meet at the same time our bodies connect.

  She starts off slow, riding up and down as if she has all the time in the world. Her lips find my throat, her lips and tongue leaving their mark. “I love you too,” she says next to my ear, lowering herself until I’m as deep in her as possible.

  The two of us moan at the same time, reminded of how good it feels when our bodies collide.

  Unable to hold myself back a second longer, I grab each side of her narrow waist. I use the leverage to pump in and out of her quickly. I let her have the illusion that she’s in control for a few minutes before I flip her over until she’s on all fours. Pulling her hips against me, I enter her once again. My fingers wrap in her hair as I push as deep as I can, her encouraging moans pushing me too close to the edge.

  Our bodies meet in the in-between of making love and fucking. We can’t go slow and gentle like we used to, the both of us aware that we shouldn’t do this again, but there are too many feelings between us to just fuck.

  I’m on the brink of coming, pushing in and out of her until I’m confident she’ll still be able to feel me tomorrow. Her body slackens as she reaches a climax. The way my name falls from her lips as she finds her release has me finding my own. I pull out of her swiftly, making sure not to empty inside her.

  The two of us fall into the mattress, trying to gather our breath. Sex with her is just as good as I remember—better even. Which makes what I have to do now even harder.

  Not wanting to stay and hold her close to me, I climb off the bed in search of my clothes. I’m debating on saying the hell with logic, to climb back in bed with her and mold her body to mine for one last night. But deep down, I know that my heart can’t handle that. I can’t stay and cuddle with her, fearful I’ll never be able to leave if it happens.

  She turns over, nodding slightly when she sees me gather my jeans from the floor. She pulls on the sheet until it covers her. “So just like that…” she mutters softly, a sad look on her face.

  I stare at her as I pull my jeans on, wishing I had any idea what was going on in her head right now, wishing I could go back in time and remove us from the situation we’re in.

  “Yeah,” I answer, pulling the rest of my clothes on.

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she whispers, so quiet I almost don’t hear it. By the way she doesn’t look at me, instead staring at the bed in front of her I wonder if it was something she even meant for me to hear.

  “You know what hurts the worst? I’ve always thought no one could actually love me because I’ve felt like such a shell of a person for years. There wasn’t much of me to love. But then you came along. The worst part about this all is that you made me feel like I could be loved. I need to get my shit together, Nora. And I can’t be near you to do it. You clearly fuck with my head.”

  Crawling across the bed, I cradle both sides of her head in my hands. I pull her forehead to my lips, swallowing to keep my emotions in check. I let myself linger there for a few moments, savoring feeling her skin against mine. All too soon, I pull away. “I’ll always love you, Rose.”

  I’m opening the door when I hear a sob rip through her chest. The sound has me nearly turning around to comfort her. My hand pauses on the doorknob, my head trying to work through what to do. I realize that I can’t comfort her through this. I love her, but this is her own doing. For my own sanity, I have to walk away, I have to move on.

  I walk out the door, letting it slam behind me. I only make it a few steps before my own emotions get the best of me. Still haunted by the sounds of her cries, I slide down the wall of the hotel hallway, cursing the universe for giving me the love of my life, only to make her the person who would betray me the most

  Four Months Later

  Darkness envelops the space around me as I flip off the lights to the dance studio I’ve worked at the last few months. Rifling through my purse, I find my car keys and head toward the parking lot. As soon as I step out the door, the dry LA heat warms my skin. The sun has begun to set, leaving the bustling city around me in an orange glow. Two little girls play on the sidewalk in front of the sandwich shop next door. It looks like they’ve set up a doll beauty shop, the two of them braiding the hair of their dolls. The owner of the shop, Maggie, watches from the doorway with a serene smile on her face.

  The two little girls remind me of me and my sister when we were kids. She could always braid so much better than I could, making me so angry as a child. My sister and I have begun to talk more recently. She’s currently in Washington working at a hotel, but she said when she gets the chance, she wants to come to LA to visit. It’s a steppingstone toward a better relationship for the two of us.

  After the interview with Piper, and telling Nash about what had happened in high school, I realized I needed to do a better job of reaching out to her. I’m the older sister and I should put in the work to mend our relationship, so that’s what I’ve been doing. Surprisingly, she was all for it. We’re taking baby steps, but a baby step is still a step.

  Getting in my car, I find a text from Riley saying she is also on her way home. Tonight, we have big plans to watch the music awards. It’s the first time Nash has performed the
re in two years. He’s been teasing new music on all his socials for weeks now, and there’s a pit in my stomach at the possibility of his performance tonight involving lyrics about me.

  It’s been over four months since I’ve seen him. In the beginning, I could barely leave my bed, too upset with myself and what I’ve done to be a functioning member of society. Riley eventually had to stage an intervention, forcing me to get out of bed and wash my hair. For a long time, she had his socials blocked on my phone, knowing I was too obsessed with stalking him online. I felt like I deserved to see him with girl after girl. It was a way of punishing myself for how much I hurt him. Every time I saw his arm wrapped around the waist of a beautiful girl, it felt like salt in the wound. I didn’t blame him for moving on at all, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

  When I finally got to a healthy place where I didn’t cry about him daily, I caught up on every single thing he’d been up to recently. I only felt worse all over again when I learned how bad he was handling things. Night after night, he performs under the influence of something. Sometimes he begins the show slurring a bit, but for some reason, people love it. I’ve read some articles that even go as far as saying they’re some of his best shows. It’s crazy to me how, in one line, they’ll talk about how he’s unhealthily drunk and in the next, how they think it was his best show because of it. No wonder he has a hard time staying sober. Aside from being backstabbed by those closest to him, he has the media telling him he’s at his best when he’s three shots to the wind. It reminds me of a line he said at the show that went to shit. He’d said, “They only want me when I’m broken,” and he was dead on.

  It’s sad. I’m sad for him. I’d reach out to him if I thought it would help, but he made it clear that he no longer wanted anything to do with me, and I have to respect that.