The doctor shook his head, but I knew what had happened. He didn’t need to say a word.
My muscles tense and I fight back tears in my eyes, bringing me back to the present. “How far along is she?” I ask.
“Thirty-seven weeks,” Tee says, her voice muffled under her mask.
Blair opens the door and huffs. “What was that—”
“You can still deliver the baby,” I say. “She’s at the end of her third trimester. The baby should be fully developed at this point.” I turn to Spark, who’s staring at me with thin lips. “Do you have a way to induce labor?”
He tosses his head back and forth, his forehead wrinkled from shock. “She’s too early to be induced. At best, we can do a c-section—”
“Do it,” I snap.
“Blair, go check the inventory for my surgical bag. Clean it first. It’s probably collecting dust.” He turns back to me, his eyes mere slits.
“Why didn’t Spark think of that?” Nelle whispers in my ear. “It doesn’t make sense that you know more about saving a baby.”
I shake my head. “I think he knows enough.” He’s up to something. I just can’t figure out what it is.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
After Spark and Blair work together to steady Tee’s heartbeat and breathing, they administer the drug to sedate her. “Ladies, you should be heading to breakfast. Having this many visitors puts Tee at risk of infection while she’s going through the surgery.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I say.
Nelle swallows hard. “Are you sure? Let’s grab a quick bite to eat first. We don’t want Susan marking us for missing a meal again.”
“Susan will understand.” I fold my arms over my chest. My eyes bounce from Tee’s oxygen mask to the heart monitor to Spark’s concerned wrinkle.
But before I can protest, a hand pulls me away. “Sorry, Lin. You might be on good terms with Susan, but we don’t want to get in trouble for missing a meal.” June tosses her head back at the hospital bed. “We’ll be back, Tee. Promise. We’ll even bring you some food for when you’re done.”
Tee’s screams of pain cease as we close the door behind us.
The sunlight from the outside is a stark contrast to the sterile lighting of the clinic. “Why did you leave her? Spark clearly didn’t know what he was doing.”
“You’re right, but we couldn’t leave you alone with him either.” Nelle shakes her head. “Something’s off with him, but we won’t know about it until we spend some time with him. In the meantime, it seems like you’ve got a story to tell.”
I sigh, my muscles loosening. “I’ve never told anyone except for my husband. Well, then again, he told my parents behind my back.”
June tightens her grip around my hand, reminding me that we’re holding hands. Is that normal? “How far along were you?”
I study the shaggy grass underneath our feet. My legs begin to shake, and I take a deep breath. “Twelve weeks. Just short of my second trimester.”
Nelle makes a noise that sounds like a tire deflating. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
Suddenly, all the anger that I’ve been holding back rises to the surface and I rise to my feet. “Well, I had to go to the doctor by myself. I had to sit there by myself. I had to hear the news by myself. I had to tell my husband by myself. I had to sit with that guilt by myself. And now here I am—”
“With friends who will support you until the day you die.” Nelle stops walking and points at my chest. “You didn’t do anything to deserve what happened to you. But no matter what happens to you, you won’t have to go through anything else alone, ever again.”
I blink back the tears welling in my eyes. “Thanks.”
Her words leave a hollow silence that rings in my ears. My past life, the most sensitive part of my story, hangs in the air and mocks me. I avert my eyes toward the clinic. “I don’t trust Spark,” I admit. “I have no medical experience, and I knew that Tee’s baby can be safely delivered at his gestational age. I remember seeing it on my social feed once.”
June shuffles her feet, and I take the opportunity to pull my sweaty hand out of hers. “You have a point. It was a little odd that he was so quick to assume Tee’s baby was in danger.” She purses her lips. “Is that what happened to you?”
I refuse to look at her, my cheeks flushing. “I was only twelve weeks along,” I say again.
“So? Maybe you couldn’t deliver the baby, but they could’ve treated your back pain without harming your —”
Hot tears well in my eyes as I push the dining hall door open. The smell of eggs and French toast overwhelms me, and all I want to do is eat. I don’t keep the door open for Nelle or June, giving myself a minute to compose myself.
Is it possible that my baby didn’t need to die? I swallow the acid rising in my throat. All my pain would’ve been for nothing.
Susan enters the room. “Hey, Lin . How’s Tee doing? And how are you?”
“I don’t trust Spark,” I say without making eye contact with her.
She pulls me close and whispers in my ear. “Please keep your voice down. We don’t want to disturb the others. We’ll talk about your concerns later.”
My stomach lets out a rolling growl. Susan smiles and folds her hands behind her back. “Enjoy your breakfast.”
As I make myself an egg sandwich on French toast bread, I feel a sudden urge to shower. My anger made me sweaty, and reliving my haunted memories gives me a dirty sensation over my arms and legs.
Ace smiles at me from behind the food line. “Hey, you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Hearing his voice soothes me, eliciting a smile on my lips. “Something like that. I was confronted by the ghost of my past.”
“Ooh, sounds ominous. I guess your past life doesn’t matter anymore?”
I pile a scoop of fresh fruit onto my plate, drool forming in my mouth as I spray some whipped cream on the top. “My past life might be erased, but it still hurts.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.”
“Good afternoon, Blair! What a surprise to see you at the dining hall.” Susan’s greeting captures my attention. I lock eyes with Blair, who’s making her way toward me with clenched fists.
“What in the world has gotten into you?” she huffs at me, grabbing a plate. “The way you acted back there was completely irrational.”
A lump forms in my throat. “Why did you leave Tee alone with Spark? Isn’t that against the rules?”
“Spark sent me here to check on you.” She takes a tong full of turkey bacon and slaps the meat on her plate. “He thinks you may be a threat to Tee’s health.”
“No, Spark was doing a good enough job of threatening Tee’s health before I arrived.” Ace’s eyes widen, and my cheeks feel warm again. “Listen, Blair, I’m sorry for pushing you,” I start.
“We have rules for a reason, you know,” Blair says through gritted teeth.
“And you’re breaking them right now to check up on me while Spark is alone with Tee. Doesn’t that make you a little concerned?”
Blair opens her mouth to protest, her finger wagging in my face, but Nelle steps in. “Hey, Blair. Do you want to sit with us?”
Her demeanor softens as she nods, piling the condiments and toppings onto her plate.
“I’ll talk to you later, Ace,” I mumble, getting a head start to the table. He’s the only person I want to talk to, but I also don’t want my friends getting any ideas about our relationship.
It’s time to hide again.
As I sit down, Nelle tucks her hair behind her ears. “Lin, I’m sorry I prodded you too far. I shouldn’t have assumed—”
“You’re right. You shouldn’t have.” I cut her off, shoving a piece of fruit into my mouth without giving a word of thanks. At this point, I have no reason to be thankful, especially since I don’t know who I should be thanking.
Nelle grabs my hand anyway and prays, her head bowed alongside June’s
Blair clea
rs her throat as she sits down next to me, where Tee usually sits, leaning toward me. “So, is that dream with your hacker a normal occurrence?”
I look over at Nelle, as if asking for permission. “I’ve had several dreams since the shutdown. Do you think they all mean something?”
“Well, if you had Tobi helping you sleep at night, he could’ve been blocking your memory. You might have been having these dreams for years.”
I remember the time I woke up after talking to Sage. Tobi had said that I had a bad dream, but he gave me essential oils and played calming music to help me sleep. Who, or what, could’ve possibly visited me then?
“What were the other dreams about?” Nelle asks as she puts her glass of orange juice to her lips.
Before I can answer, Susan walks up to our table. “Ladies, I’m going to go see how Tee is doing. Would you like to join me?”
I stand instinctively, leaving my plate of food untouched. The other ladies rise and follow us out the door.
“If she needs you today, I’ll allow you to miss the rest of your meals for the day. Ace can bring you ladies a plate.” Her eyes are locked on me, as if she can see right through me.
“Thanks,” June says after swallowing the bite of food she took in before standing. “I’m sure will appreciate us all being there with her.”
I walk in silence, drowning out their conversation. The soft breeze refreshes me as I gather myself. A lot has happened in the last twenty-four hours. From getting reprimanded by Susan to reliving my miscarriage, my thoughts and emotions are intertwined in a messy, inconceivable blob. All I can do is breathe.
Tobi would’ve helped me get through this. He would’ve released essential oils into the air of my house so I could calm down and…
And what? The internal dialogue in my head scoffs in defiance. Forget about it? Act like it isn’t there? Facing your fears head-on is exactly what you need to move forward. To embrace your new life.
I sigh, clenching my hands into fists. My inner me has a point, but it’s much easier said than done. When I confront the beasts of my past—the miscarriage, the affair, the divorce, the shutdown—I feel weak and vulnerable. Unless I put up a front, like I’ve been doing at the clinic with Tee. In my mind, I’m completely scared and unprepared, but outside, it looks like I’m an expert.
And that’s how I survived.
Chapter Forty
Tee is no longer hooked up to tubes on the table. Instead, she’s screaming and shaking, her bare legs exposed. I cover my ears, but I can still hear her cries of desperation through my hands. This is all too familiar.
“What’s going on?” I ask.
“She’s in pain.” Spark emerges from the other room with Blair following closely behind him. “We’re waiting for the epidural to kick in before we begin the surgery.”
I walk toward Tee’s head and place my hand over her hair. “Are you okay?” I whisper.
“It hurts,” she exhales, and I notice her hands clenched into fists.
I take a deep breath and sit by her side. “You’ve done this before. What do you remember?”
Tears start to form in her eyes. “My husband was with me through the whole thing.”
Nelle takes Tee’s tight fist and holds it in her own. “Sorry, Tee. He’s not coming this time. But we’ll be here for you every step of the way.”
“Ow! It hurts.” Tee writhes on the table, her legs flailing as she searches for a comfortable spot. “Don’t you doctors have any pain medicine?”
Spark whispers to Blair and sends her to the other room. “We gave you the epidural. You should feel some relief in a few minutes.”
“What if it doesn’t work?”
“Lin, can you fix the pillows behind her head?” Nelle points to a white one that has shifted away from Tee. Now, Tee’s head is pushed up against the wall.
“Ooh, that must not be comfortable,” I say sweetly. As I lift her head and put the pillow behind it, her body begins to relax. “Better, huh?”
Tee sighs. “Yeah. I feel much better now.”
With a smile on his face, Spark pulls out a scalpel and inches toward Tee’s abdomen. Instantly she tenses up again. “I can’t do this. I don’t want to be in pain.”
When I can’t conjure the right words to say, Nelle steps in front of me. “Tee, you can do this. Your husband would be proud of you right now.”
Blair returns with a cup of chamomile tea in her hands. “We can’t give you any more medicine, but this should keep you calm during the surgery.”
After a few minutes, Tee faintly says that she needs a bucket. There’s one behind me. I hold it in front of her as she tilts her head forward and vomits. I nearly drop the bucket, fighting the urge to gag.
“That’s okay.” Nelle puts her hand on Tee’s head. “You’re a little warm.”
“I’ll get you a paper towel with water,” I offer.
“We have washcloths by the kitchen sink,” Blair says, rushing out of the room again.
Spark clicks his tongue as he makes a line on Tee’s abdomen with a marker. “You might have had an adverse reaction to the epidural. It’s possible that your pain will return in about a half hour.”
A half hour? We’ve already been here for at least an hour, and my muscles are already sore. Maybe we should let the doctor do his job. No. I don’t trust him.
Blair returns with a washcloth. I smell blood when Spark cuts through Tee’s skin. She cries out as the scalpel rips through her abdomen. The image of blood pulls me back into my old life, watching Dad collapse in my arms. His blood is all over my clothes. He’s tired. He needs me—
“Lin, are you okay?” Nelle puts her hand on my shoulder.
I shake my head, wiping away the memory from the forefront of my mind. “Yeah, fine.”
“You know, we don’t have to be here. We can let the doctors handle it.”
It’s like she’s reading my mind. With nausea swirling through my abdomen and fear pulsing in my chest, I want to go back to my cabin and take a nap. I want to forget this is happening. I need a shower.
But I know that Tee can’t do this without her friends by her side.
“I’m fine,” I mumble again, putting the cold rag on Tee’s head and watching her muscles loosen.
Spark shakes his head. “It’s getting too crowded in here. Tee, you seem to be stabilizing. You ladies should give her some space.”
Tee grimaces as she attempts to smile, averting her eyes back to me. “I want them here. Please,” she whispers. After wincing in pain, she instinctively looks at the surgical site and screams.
I lean in close to her, inches from her face, which is turning a faint shade of purple. “Tee, look at me. Don’t look over there.” I wave in front of her, trying to focus her attention away from her guts. “I need you to breathe.” She starts breathing heavily, as if her lungs suddenly realize how much oxygen they need. “Good job,” I coach. “Keep taking deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Focus.” She can take deep breaths, unlike Dad. She’s going to survive this. And I’m going to help her.
Blair sticks her head through the door’s opening. I didn’t realize she left. “Ladies, Ace and Susan are here—”
“They’ll have to wait outside,” Spark grunts.
Blair lowers her eyebrows. “I know. I was trying to get them out of your way by offering them food.”
I grab Tee’s hand. “I’m staying here.”
Nelle clicks her tongue. “June and I will go to give you guys some space.” When they leave, every muscle in my body relaxes. Having her around reminds me of my past, of my dreams about Don.
“It means the world to me that you decided to stay,” Tee says through watery eyes.
I avert my eyes toward the wall, afraid that they’ll match hers and I’ll lose it. “I want to be there for you, since I know what it’s like to do it alone.”
“I appreciate it.”
As Tee focuses on her breathing, I remember what Don said. He brough
t me here to protect me, to save me. Maybe he was saving me from living alone.
Suddenly, Tee looks around and a horrified look overtakes her face. “Lin, I can’t do this. I can’t be a mom here. I can’t—”
“Tee, I need you to focus, okay?” I hold my hand up. “Just breathe.”
“I can’t breathe!” she screams. “My stomach hurts.”
“Yes, you can. You are breathing. I see your chest rising and falling.” I think back to Dad’s hollow chest. He was just skin and bones. I knew he was alive when I’d see his chest rising and falling. Tee’s plump chest expands and contracts at a normal rate.
I put my hand near her nose, just to be sure. “Yep, you’re fine.”
“I’m not fine!” Tee screams. “This hurts! And I’m going to be raising him here alone. I can’t do this.”
I squeeze her hand. “I’m here for you, Tee.”
“But this isn’t your kid!” Tears stream down Tee’s face. “My husband should be here. Why am I here, away from him? Why did I get to escape, but he had to be stuck dealing with patrol officers?”
I bite the inside of my lip as I consider her questions. I have no answers for her. They’re the same questions I have in my own mind.
My heart sinks as the thought of Sage giving birth comes to mind. Did she regret not inviting me to the hospital? Was Don with her? Focus, Lin. “Tee, your job is to get this baby into the world.”
Tee breaks down into sobs, her breathing becoming uncontrollable. “Spark, do something!” I yell.
“Well, you’re obviously not helping her,” Spark says. “Maybe you should leave.”
Instead of listening to him, I sit on the bench by the bed. “Tee needs a comforting presence here with her. She doesn’t have her husband, so I’m going to stay.”
Before he can protest, Tee yells out in pain. I fight the urge to rise to my feet. Spark’s in my way. I watch his next move, praying I can trust him.
Pray.
In Real Life Page 15
