As he focuses on the surgery, my thoughts wander to hope. What hope is there in this room? My new friend is having a baby. I’m helping her bring her son into the world, instead of letting Spark kill him. Or her.
Hope motivates me to keep going. I always try to numb my pain by avoiding it. Maybe I should try bringing it to the surface and remembering it, letting it fuel my next move.
I remember Don. I remember Sage. I remember the child I lost, my little boy. My heart wells up with anger. While we’re bringing a baby into the world, I’m thinking about my own nonexistent children. Even if Don and I are on better terms now, I may never see him again. Maybe he and Sage have reconnected while I’m gone.
But watching Tee fight for her life and the life of her child helps me create a new story in my mind. All the hurt, all the hatred melts away as I think about hope. I can find hope here, far away from home, far away from my problems. Even if I don’t know what hope is yet.
Finally, Spark reaches his hands towards Tee’s abdomen, and I call for Nelle and June. The sunlight shines through the window as he pulls the baby away from his mother and into the world. The baby sings a song of hope, wailing loudly to announce his arrival.
“Congratulations, Tee,” I say breathlessly. “You have a beautiful, healthy son.”
Nelle, June, Ace, and Susan come into the room with us. We clap excitedly for her, and I study the wide, toothy grin on her face. We’re all going to be okay.
“Good job coaching her, Spark,” Blair says, clapping her hands together. I grit my teeth. All he did was give her pain.
“We’re going to run some tests and make sure we’re all good,” Spark says. “Everyone, please clear the room.”
Spark nods. “Oh, yes. We need you all to clear the room.”
I still don’t trust him, but I don’t have the energy to fight anymore. When we make it outside, my legs collapse under me and I grab the floor. We’d been in there, and I’d been sitting in that uncomfortable chair, for hours. “Who’s ready for a nap?” I ask groggily.
Nelle’s hand swiftly rubs my sweaty back. “Good job today.”
“Yeah, Lin,” June agrees. “You were so helpful. How did you know what to do?”
I sigh loudly, sitting up on the ground. “My dad…” Remembering my dad erupts a whimper from my lips. “He would be so proud,” I croak.
My thoughts reel back to our conversations over pasta and beans. Such a simple time, yet the only time when I truly felt alive. Connecting with my dad, hearing his stories, gave me such joy. That’s the life I get to have with my new friends now. With all of them.
Maybe that’s the hope he was talking about.
Chapter Forty-One
Now that all the action has finished for the day, I can finally go back to my cabin and shower. To figure out if that really was Don in my dream, I pull out the shoebox and relive some old memories from our marriage. Memories that will hurt, but will help me find out if there really is hope in this life.
After showering and putting on a fresh outfit, I make myself a cup of green tea to soothe my racing thoughts. As the water boils, I tie my thin, blonde hair into a knot behind my head, waving my hand like a fan in front of my face. When the freezer reveals an ice tray, I pull it out and decide to chill my drink.
The tea brews and I recline on my couch, letting the soft cushions comfort my aching back. As the fresh scent of cologne dances through my nostrils, I gather my thoughts that have been scattered in my mind. If Don were in the room with me, what would he say? What would I want him to say?
July 13, 2096. Roughly four years ago. The date is etched in my mind forever. I pull out the red shoebox and retrieve the video he made for me a few days after I came home from the doctor. The image that met me from the video drive was of a man with tear-stained, bloodshot eyes. As he opens his mouth to speak, his voice catches.
“Hey, sweetheart. You just told me the news about our baby. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to make you feel better or even how to process what I’m feeling. This was our little gift, and I feel like she was taken away.”
Hm, I always imagined the baby as a boy.
In the video, he starts walking around, the background shifting from the living room to the kitchen. “All I want you to know right now is that I love you. I love you so much. This hurts me just as much as it hurts you. Please, Lin. I wish you would let me help you, let me comfort you. Instead, you’re pushing me away and trying to deal with this on your own.”
I pause the video with a gasp. Did he really just say that? I rewind the video to hear him say it again. I wish you would let me help you…you’re trying to deal with this on your own. So, he didn’t leave me. He simply didn’t know how to help me.
The tears streaming down my cheeks match his. “Lin, I’d do anything to save you. I wish I could take away the pain you’re feeling.” He pauses and rolls his eyes from one side of the room to the other. “There might be a way. Trust me, Lin. I’m sorry I can’t give you all the details now but trust me. Everything’s going to work out.”
The message suddenly ends, and I sit up. Was he trying to warn me about the Internet shutdown? How did he know about it? And why did he suddenly change his mind about helping me and cheated on me instead?
The scent of burnt green tea brings me to my feet and toward my sink. I take a sip and cringe. As I pour the tea over the ice, I squeeze a generous amount of honey into it.
After bringing the tea with me to the couch and letting it cool, I search the box for the first video message Don sent me, desiring to see where we started, desperate to return to those feelings of love and affection again. In this moment, I need a place to belong, even if that place doesn’t exist anymore. I need to know that he cared at some point to know that there was hope in this life, that I had hope but then lost it.
Don’s face before he grew a beard pops up in front of me, and I can’t help but laugh at the way he looked like he was twelve years old. His wild curls shoot out beyond his ears and his eyes are nearly covered by his bushy eyebrows. That’s the man I fell in love with, the man who swept me off my feet after college. The man who visited me in real life when the other guys I dated only wanted to meet virtually. The man who satisfied my needs and was such a joy to please. I loved making him happy. Maybe that was my downfall.
“Lin, in one week, I’m going to ask you to marry me. I’ll give you this after we’re engaged. I’ve never been more excited in my entire life, even after getting my dream job as a Connection Support Analyst. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted and more, and I’m excited to spend the rest of my life with you.”
I pause the video to let out an audible chuckle. “Ha! That didn’t last very long, did it?” I wait a moment before playing the video again, taking in the fire in his eyes, the true ecstasy that we experienced prior to our wedding day. His smile is unlike anything I’ve seen since the day I told him I was pregnant. Before that, he had a joy when I would walk into the room, a sense of energy that would stir up in his heart and draw him to me.
On the day of our wedding, I slipped on my gown, and all I could see in the mirror was a woman unworthy of love. Mom took pictures with me and helped me get ready for my livestream wedding, with an expected guest list of more than one thousand people. Sage was my maid of honor, along with some friends from college as my bridesmaids. We all stopped talking after that day. No one needed to talk to me anymore after they checked “attend a wedding” off their social media bucket list.
But despite all the drama that comes with a wedding and my feelings of inadequacy, every doubt I had faded away after I walked down the aisle and met the man who was waiting for me. My heart burst with new life, and I knew that the man who would kiss me and walk out of that room with me was a man who would guard my heart forever.
Oh, was I wrong!
I toss the video drive aside as the tears begin to fall. Why did Don want me to have this box? If we’re never going to see each other again, did he only giv
e this to me to keep me miserable my whole life?
The box has some valuable information, so I’m not going to get rid of it. I just think I need to move on from my ex-husband. He’s not coming back for me, and I’m not going to wait around for him forever. I’m here, in my new life, with a new reason for hope on the horizon.
At this point, the ice from my tea has melted. I bring the tea to my lips. It sends a buzz throughout my head, relieving the ache and infusing me with energy again. While I take another sip, I think about this new hope. If God is real, then what does that mean for me now? What does life after this look like, and why is it so important for me to care about it now? Why am I still alive when what matters after death is more important?
The birds chirp outside my window, into the sunset, and I stare at them swarming through the sky. They each make a unique sound, creating a symphony of squawks and caws that put joy in my heart. When was the last time I ever stopped to listen to the birds? Now that I have time, I can sit by the window and watch them fly all day long.
My heart sinks at the contrast between the memory of Don’s tears on our wedding day and the way he tossed me out of his mo-pod to leave me here forever. He said it was to protect me. From what? He went through all this to protect me from the Liberty party? If he cared about me so much, why didn’t he take me where he’s going?
I pause and sip my tea, allowing the sweet notes from the honey to wash the questions out of my mind. At this point, nothing else matters now. Not what Sage and Don are planning. Not even if they have further instructions for me. I’m here, and I’m going to make the most of it.
Chapter Forty-Two
A knock on my door startles me awake from a dreamless sleep. Nelle’s standing outside with her hands behind her back. “Good morning. How are you feeling?”
I think back to the video drives I watched last night. “All right, I guess. My back’s a little sore. Just ready to forget about my old life.”
She smiles, her long dark hair radiating in the light from the sunrise. “I can tell you from experience, that’s the best way to enjoy this new life. Welcome to the Community.”
I send a smile back to her, heat rushing to my cheeks. “Sounds like you have a story to tell.”
My heart rate quickens as I remember opening up to her yesterday. Why was I so quick to share my story? Am I going to get in trouble for divulging too much in public?
“Have you heard from Tee?” I ask, eager to change the subject.
“No, not yet. I figured we could get breakfast and then head over to the clinic. Sound like a plan?”
“Sure.” I shrug.
As we leave my cabin, I embrace the warmth from the sun. This area is hot and humid in the morning, but once the sun sets, it’s chilly. Some of the leaves on the trees have started to change color. I’ve never paid more attention to the weather and my surrounding environment than in the Community.
“I feel bad for Tee,” Nelle says, interrupting my thoughts.
“What do you mean?”
“Imagine, she was pregnant before the Internet shutdown. She had her whole life ahead of her to enjoy this new member of her family, to plan a baby shower, to be there for the rest of her kids.” She sighs. “But then this happened, and everything changed in an instant.”
“It changed for all of us,” I say, my fists clenching.
“Oh, of course, Lin. Sorry, I didn’t realize you were still upset.”
I bite my lip, embarrassed over my reply. The silence between us is thick like the humidity in the air. But even in the silence, we’re communicating with the words that we choose not to say.
The sky displays white, puffy clouds that skate along at a noticeable pace. My heart begins to race along with them. I didn’t know the clouds moved that quickly. Suddenly, a giant brown bird swoops over our head and into a nearby tree.
“Hawk,” Nelle says. “You’ll see a lot of those around here.”
I say nothing again, the dining hall coming into view. All that’s on my mind is starting fresh in this new Community. It’s a new day, and I have a new life to live.
My stomach growls as a cereal and yogurt bar comes into my field of vision. Ace greets me with a smile. “Wow, you’re looking better today.”
“Thanks. I guess I needed some sleep.” What I really needed was to let go of my past.
“How’s Tee doing? I heard she had the baby.”
“We’re going to check on her after breakfast. Spark wanted to run some tests.” I choose some whole wheat cereal and put fruit on top of it, then pour the milk into the bowl.
“Tests?” he prods.
I lean toward him. “Did Susan tell you about my suspicions?”
“She may have mentioned a few things. Let me know how it goes today at lunch.”
Before I can continue the conversation, Nelle nudges me forward. I send him an apologetic grin and keep moving. June’s behind her, piling fruit and yogurt into a bowl.
We sit down and Nelle prays. This time, I feel a longing in my heart to join her, to understand more about this God she prays to.
Nelle inches toward me, causing me to sway to the side to avoid her touch. “So, about our conversation yesterday…What questions do you have about hope?”
I shrug. “Well, my dad brought it up for the first time to me. He was dying of lung cancer, and the Liberty party cut off his rations. Our rations. We were going to die.” Why am I telling her all this?
Nelle’s eyes widen. “Then what happened?”
“He told me that no matter what, he still had hope. I didn’t understand why. After all, we live, and then we die. That’s it. Nothing else happens.”
Instead of affirming me, she leans back in her chair and bows her head. The silence eats at me, forcing me to think. Dad told me there was more to life, and since Nelle believes it, maybe it’s true.
“What do you think?” I ask, desperate for answers.
“What hope did your father have?” Nelle asks.
“He told me to look for God, and then I’d find him.”
“Yes, that’s true. I haven’t heard that phrase in a while, but it’s true.”
I fold my hands over the table, my eyebrows in a knot on my forehead. “Wait, what? It’s a phrase?”
“It’s based on a Bible verse. Draw near to God, and He’ll draw near to you. But the phrase your father said was a motto of a Christian webpage that taught people about God.”
My eyes widen as the realization hits me. “He told me he was looking for proof that God exists, and he found the answer online.”
I start eating, stuffing all the questions floating around in my mind. The memory of when Dad died rises to the surface, and the peace I felt after seeing his suffering end.
“So, when are you going to start trusting God?” Nelle picks at her cereal with a spoon, her words like a dagger in my gut.
“Excuse me?”
“Based on what you told me yesterday, I think you want to know more about God. I think you want that hope that He promises for this life and the next.”
“What? You think that I secretly believe that God is the true source of hope? You think that Dad was right? You think that my entire life, I’ve believed a lie?”
I don’t realize that my voice is rising, and I notice a group of guys staring at me. I blush and scoop a spoonful of cereal into my mouth. But as I chew, I think about the answers to my questions.
God is the true source of hope.
Dad was right.
My entire life, I believed a lie that we live and then we die. That God isn’t real. But now I’m not so sure what’s real anymore.
Nelle picks up a strawberry with her spoon and smiles. “Looks to me like you’ve got it all figured out.”
“Well, how can I know it’s true? How do you know that it’s true?”
“Because I’ve lived both with God and without God. Before I knew God, I was anxious, and I think it’s because I didn’t know what would happen to me when I would die. Su
rrendering my life to God has allowed me to have peace and security for the first time ever.” She pauses to take a bite out of the strawberry. “Lin, if this shutdown taught us anything, it’s that we could put all our time, all our money, all our energy into one goal, just for us to lose all progress that we’ve made in an instant. What’s the point of living for something that we could lose at any point? The truth is, there is more to this life, and it’s not just about getting more money or falling in love with someone or even having a house.”
As she shoves the rest of the strawberry in her mouth, I think about her words. What does it mean to live with God? Is that how I can find hope?
I finish my breakfast and rise to my feet. “Let’s go check on Tee.” Maybe helping her will give me some of the answers I need.
Chapter Forty-Three
Nelle, June, and I rush toward the operating room, beckoned by the sound of our friend’s screams.
Blair stops us at the door. “Oh, no. It’s not safe for you to be back there.”
“What’s going on?” Nelle asks. “Why is she screaming?”
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean you don’t—”
But Tee’s screaming cut off the end of Nelle’s question. “Give me my son! Give me my son!” Her plea pounds in my ears, shaking my entire body.
June puts her hand on her head. “Ooh, I don’t feel so good…” She falls to her knees and moves her hand to her chest. “W-what’s happening?”
Blair gasps as she moves away from the door and drops to the floor, inches from June’s face. “June, listen to me. You’re having a panic attack. Everything’s—”
I can’t hear the rest of what Blair’s saying over Tee’s cry for help.
Nelle and I exchange glances. Can she hear what Tee is saying? She looks down to make sure June’s okay. When we see her starting to recover, she nods toward me, and I run into the operating room.
In the examination room, my throat closes up as I lock eyes with Tee, who has tears streaming down hers.
“Lin!” Tee sobs. “I-I need my baby. Please!”
In Real Life Page 16
