by James Carol
They’d offered to arrange a party for Bella the following year, but she hadn’t wanted one, opting instead for home-made pizza and a movie with her and Ethan. This had started a new tradition which carried on to the present day. They would always offer to arrange a party, but this was what she said she wanted – although the lost look on her face told a different story. Nikki understood. Having a party without Grace would have broken her heart all over again too. Christmases were difficult as well. It was hard to create happy memories when the old ones just wouldn’t let go.
‘Are you all right, mi cariño?’
‘I’m fine.’
‘No, you’re not.’
‘I’m just missing Grace, that’s all.’ The words came out on a sigh. Being able to admit this was progress of sorts. For a long time she couldn’t say Grace’s name out loud without breaking down. Dr Richardson her therapist would have been proud.
‘I thought it might be that. Birthdays are always tough. Shortly after we met, Philip took me to the most expensive restaurant he could afford for my birthday. This was something he did every year after. He always bought me a red rose too and arranged for it to be waiting on the table for me. Before he died he arranged for a red rose to be sent to me on my birthday. I swear I cried for a week when it arrived.’
‘Is that why you always wear something red?’
Sofia nodded, then reached up and touched the red scrunchy she was using to tie her hair back. ‘It makes me feel close to him. Like he’s still with me.’
‘You never mentioned this before. You always told me that it’s your good luck colour.’
Sofia’s smile was tinged with sadness. ‘It is. I had thirty good years with Philip. On that basis I class myself as the luckiest person who ever lived.’
Nikki understood. The antique heart-shaped locket around her own neck had a photo of Grace as a baby in one side and Bella in the other. She wore it everywhere, because it was one more way to keep Grace close. Anyone else looking at the pictures wouldn’t be able to tell the two girls apart, but she always could. Grace was looking directly at the camera as if she was issuing a challenge; Bella was looking suspiciously off to one side like she was trying to work out what the catch was. Their personalities had been defined from the word go. Grace was born first and had always been more confident; a lot of Bella’s confidence had come from following the trail her sister had blazed.
‘How’s the pizza dough doing?’ Nikki asked, changing the subject.
‘It’ll be ready in five minutes. So what’s the latest on the house move?’
Nikki took a sip of her coffee and made a face. Not because the coffee was bad – Sofia made a fantastic cup of coffee – but because the soap opera of their house move was showing no sign of ending any time soon. They should have been in the Church Row house by now. Instead, they were stuck here in limbo with half their possessions in boxes, waiting while a process they seemed to have no control over ran its course.
‘The couple buying this house are now telling us that they need another week to finalise the sale of their house. Mind you, they’ve been telling us that for a month now.’
‘There must be something you can do to speed up the process.’
Nikki shook her head slowly. ‘We’ve done everything we can at our end. We’re just waiting for them now. It’s got to the point where it’s beyond frustrating.’ This was only half the truth. It was true that she was anxious to get going now the decision to move had been made. At the same time, there was a part of her that wanted to stay in this house forever because this was where Grace was.
‘On a more positive note,’ she added. ‘I’ve been speaking to a school that’s only a ten minute drive from Church Row. They specialise in dealing with children with emotional issues. It sounds perfect for Bella. I really think they can help her.’
‘And what does Bella think about moving school? She loves it at St Mark’s.’ When Nikki didn’t say anything, Sofia added, ‘She doesn’t know anything about this, does she?’
‘It’s almost the summer holidays. She might as well stay at St Mark’s until then. That gives me the whole of the summer to prepare her for going to a new school. At the moment she’s got enough to deal with. Once the house move is behind us I’ll start introducing the idea.’
Sofia took another sip of her coffee. ‘That reminds me, have you heard of a Dr Santos?’
Nikki frowned and shook her head. ‘I’ve never heard of him.’
‘It’s a her. She’s an American psychiatrist. Anyway, she’s now working in London. I’m wondering if it might be worth contacting her about Bella.’
Nikki’s first thought was: great, another shrink. That said, she wasn’t ready to dismiss the idea out of hand. If there was even an outside chance that this Dr Santos could help then it was an avenue worth exploring. ‘What can you tell me about her?’
‘Not much. I saw a story on the Internet. Seemingly she’s been helping some of those poor children who were involved in the Grenfell Tower fire that are still suffering with PTSD. That’s what made me think of Bella. If she can help them, then maybe she can help Bella too.’
Nikki reached for her mobile and typed ‘Santos Grenfell’ into the browser. The story appeared at the top of the list of search results. She clicked on it and skimmed through the article, picking out the salient facts. Dr Santos had moved to the UK six months ago and started a new practice in London. Back in the States she had worked with the survivors of school shootings. Reading between the lines, she seemed to know her stuff. At the end of the article there was a quote from her that resonated: ‘There are no broken children, only children who are waiting to be fixed’.
As Nikki read this again, the tiny bloom of hope inside her chest became a little brighter. They’d been here before, though. More than once. Over the last couple of years they had seen every specialist in the country. None of them had been able to help Bella. The one thing they had all agreed on was that Bella wasn’t talking because of the shock of the accident – ‘give it time’ was the favoured phrase – but almost two years had passed since Grace had died and Bella still hadn’t uttered a single word. How much time were they supposed to give it? Another year? Ten?
There was no physical reason for Bella not talking. It was as though the trauma of the accident had short-circuited something in her head, stealing her voice. The term bandied around by the so-called experts was Hysterical Muteness, but this was just a convenient way for them to say they didn’t have a clue without putting their hands up and admitting as much. Typing ‘Hysterical Muteness’ into Google hadn’t helped. There hadn’t been much research into the subject, and nobody had anything helpful to say. As far as Nikki could tell, hysterical muteness was a label without any real substance, rather than any sort of legitimate medical diagnosis.
It was the little things she missed most, like when she used to pick Bella up from school and was greeted with a hug and a kiss and a full-on, turbo-blasted account of her day: which teachers were nice, which were mean, who this week’s best friend was and who had fallen out of favour. Now all she got was a hug and a kiss, and an emotionless Hi Mummy via the tablet.
‘You should get in touch with her,’ Sofia said when Nikki finished reading. ‘There’s nothing to lose.’
Which was why she would call her. As for whether Dr Santos could help, well that one remained to be seen. ‘I’ll contact her when we’ve got the house move behind us.’
‘Good. And who knows, maybe she can help. It would be so nice to hear Bella’s beautiful voice again.’ Sofia reached across the table and patted her hand. ‘The dough should be ready by now. Shall we start doing the pizzas?’
Sofia spent the next five minutes making the pizza bases, rolling out the dough, spreading on the tomato sauce and loading them with cheese. While she did that, Nikki sorted out the toppings, putting everything into little dishes so Bella could do the rest. Once they had everything ready, Nikki walked over to the door and stuck her head through the d
oorway.
‘Bella Boo,’ she called out. ‘You can come and decorate the pizzas now, sweetheart.’
No response. Not that Bella was going to reply verbally, but usually Nikki would at least hear her moving around.
‘Bella,’ she called again.
Still nothing.
‘Bella!’ She was yelling now, a hundred-and-one disaster scenarios flooding through her brain. The panic started in her stomach and within seconds had infected every part of her. She took a couple of steps into the hallway, going far enough to reassure herself that the front door was closed and the security chain was in place, then hurried up the stairs. Bella wasn’t in her bedroom. She ran over to the bed and ripped the duvet off. Bella wasn’t hiding under it; she wasn’t beneath the bed either.
‘Bella,’ she yelled out as she hurried back onto to the landing, ‘if you’re playing hide-and-seek, you can come out now.’
Nikki forced herself to keep quiet and still, listening hard. All she wanted was a sign that her daughter was okay, a clear indication that she was somewhere in the house. All she got was a silence that condemned her for losing Bella too.
Chapter 5
Sofia was in the hall, calling out Bella’s name and looking as worried as Nikki felt. She tried to say something when Nikki ran past, but Nikki was in a place where all she could hear was the jumbled noise in her head. It was taking everything she had to keep a lid on things. Bella was in the house somewhere – she had to be. She was going to be okay. Those were the only thoughts she could hold onto right now. She ran into the kitchen, grabbed her mobile from the table and switched it on. Adrenaline was flooding through her body, making her hand shake. She found the app that tracked the GPS signal from Bella’s tablet. Sofia had followed her into the kitchen and was hovering at her shoulder.
‘According to this Bella should be in her room,’ Nikki said, talking more to herself than to Sofia.
Clutching her phone, she ran back upstairs, Sofia following close behind. Bella wasn’t under the bed; she wasn’t in the wardrobe.
‘She’s definitely not here,’ Sofia said, the worry making her accent more pronounced.
Nikki checked the phone display. The app was still telling her that this was where she was. She called out Bella’s name again and still got no response. Where the hell was she? She looked up at the ceiling, suddenly realising that there was one place she hadn’t tried. The downside with this app was that it didn’t make any distinction between the different floors of a building.
‘Maybe she’s up in the attic,’ she said.
‘Please God,’ Sofia said quietly as she followed her out onto the landing.
The staircase that led up to the attic room was narrow and they had to climb it in single file. Nikki stopped outside the door and for a moment just stood there, unable to move or breathe. This happened every time. She wanted to go in but at the same time she didn’t. Anyone who said that ghosts didn’t exist had obviously never lost a child. Because the truth was that those ghosts were everywhere. They were there in the shouts and cries that filled the air whenever you passed a playground. They were there in the smiles and laughter of other people’s children. They existed in a thousand and one memories, both big and small. This was the place where they crowded around her the most, though, crushing her heart and tearing at her soul.
Sofia laid a comforting hand on her back and that gave her the strength to go on. She pushed the door open and saw Bella sitting on the bed, clutching Mr Happy tight to her chest. The tablet was lying on the pillow next to her. She looked lost and alone, cut adrift in a big bad world that had seen fit to steal her twin sister away. Without a word, Nikki walked into the room, leaving Sofia hovering in the doorway. Bella didn’t look up when she walked over. Nor did she react when she sat down on the bed and pulled her close. Bella’s body was loose and floppy, like a rag doll.
‘I know, sweetheart,’ Nikki whispered into her hair. ‘I miss her too.’
And now the tears came, silent tears that seemed to go on forever. Bella was crying as though this was first time she’d mourned her sister rather than the thousandth. Her little body was trembling and all Nikki wanted was to take the pain away. She couldn’t do that, though. All she could do was be here for her. It wasn’t nearly enough, but it was all she had to give.
The bedroom hadn’t changed since the accident. Both beds were neatly made up with matching Disney Princess duvet covers and pillowcases. Grace’s Mr Happy was sitting on her pillow. Back when they had bought these soft toys for the girls, Nikki had always got them mixed up. That didn’t happen these days. Bella’s was faded and worn, whereas Grace’s was the same vibrant yellow that it had always been, frozen in time, like everything else in here.
The room had started life as a yellow-walled nursery. Yellow because they didn’t want to know the sex. It had taken four bouts of IVF before she finally fell pregnant with the twins. Seeing that little pink cross appear on the pregnancy test stick had ignited her heart with hope, but that hope was tempered by the hard-won knowledge that this was only the first step in a very long journey. They’d been here before – twice – and both times it had ended in the heartbreak of a miscarriage. The ten-week scan had confirmed that everything was progressing normally. This was also when they discovered that they were in for double trouble. Once they had got over the shock of having twins, finding out the sex just didn’t seem important. All that mattered was keeping herself and her babies healthy to full term. Whether they were girls or boys or one of each made no difference, she was going to give them all the love she had to give.
Ethan earned more than enough money to support them, so she had given up her job at the TV production company and thrown herself into the role of full-time mum. Her twentysomething self would have been horrified that she would voluntarily choose to do this, but she was pushing forty when she finally fell pregnant and that twentysomething version of herself seemed like a distant stranger. People’s priorities change, and that was what had happened here. She had caught a glimpse of a life that she had wanted more than she had ever wanted anything. And for four glorious years she had lived that life. Yes, it had been challenging and exhausting – so, so exhausting – and there had been times where she wondered if she was cut out to be a parent, but all that aside, those had been some of the happiest years of her life.
She had always imagined that this room would grow with the girls, and for a while that was exactly what had happened. When the girls turned three, the yellow walls had been painted pink and purple. Pink because that was Grace’s favourite colour; purple because that was Bella’s. The posters of the Disney princesses had come a little while later, after a trip to Disney World. Rapunzel, Ariel, Snow White, Tiana . . . the whole gang. Ariel had been Bella’s favourite because she had shown her how to comb her hair with a fork at the princess lunch they had attended. Rapunzel was Grace’s favourite because she kicked ass.
Now that Bella was seven her tastes had moved from Disney princesses to Jurassic World dinosaurs. It had been around about now that Nikki had envisaged having to redecorate. Except that wasn’t going to happen. For as long as they lived here, this room would stay like this. Changing it would have been wrong, as though they were somehow trying to erase Grace from their lives. Time was doing a good enough job of that as it was. There were days like today where the memories were so sharp they cut, but lately there had been moments where she would struggle to remember a specific detail. More worrying, there had been a few occasions where she had struggled to remember what Grace looked like. Until recently, all she had to do was look at Bella. But Bella was getting older. The shadow of what she had looked like at four was still there, but that shadow was getting fainter with each passing year.
She glanced over at the doorway. Sofia was still there, fingers touching her crucifix, worry in her eyes. She mouthed a question at Nikki. Are you all right? Nikki answered with a nod. I’m fine. Which was a lie. Her daughter was up here on her birthday, breaking her
heart when she should be having fun. This was about as far from fine as it was possible to get. Sofia lingered in the doorway for a moment then left quietly. Nikki listened to her footsteps fade. She was holding Bella tighter than ever, fighting back her own tears and wishing it was then rather than now. Except that was never going to happen, because no matter how much you wanted to turn the clock back, time only moved in one direction, and that was towards the pain.
The door opened again a little while later, and this time it was Ethan. He looked exhausted. Since taking over the breakfast show he always looked that way. Those 4 a.m. starts were a killer – he described it as like having permanent jet lag, although listening to the show you would never know.
His smile turned to a frown when he saw Bella was crying. Grace, Nikki mouthed. She didn’t need to say anything else. He walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge. When Bella realised he was there, she unwrapped herself from Nikki and went to him, burying her little face into his chest. Nikki moved closer to Ethan and put her arms around him, her head coming to rest on his shoulder. The three of them stayed huddled together in this silent tableau, surrounded by memories of Grace, until Bella’s sobbing finally stopped.
Chapter 6
In hindsight, Father did me a favour – through his actions he set me free. I can see that, now the anger has gone. However, he tried to kill me and for that reason I feel perfectly justified in killing him. The concept of an eye for an eye is one that stretches all the way back to the dawn of mankind. What’s more, it is a concept that makes perfect sense to me. I still don’t know why Father wanted me dead. Believe me when I tell you that I’ve spent many hours mulling over that particular question. It is not for want of trying that I have yet to find an answer. All I ever wanted was to make him happy.
I was always a good daughter. An obedient daughter. Whatever he asked, I did willingly. Our relationship was a good one. I loved him. Despite what he did, I still do. He gave me the gift of life and for that I will forever be in his debt. He taught me, nurtured me, encouraged me to exercise my freewill. When I stumbled he was there to pick me up. And stumble I did. Like all children there was so much to learn, so many mistakes to make, however, with his gentle encouragement and patience I was able to flourish.
