Punishment

by Guerin Zand

  “That song does strike a chord with me, excuse the pun. You have to admit there are similarities between that song and my recent life.”

  “We’re worried about you, Guerin. Your attitude not only hasn’t improved, it seems to have gotten worse.”

  “I’m sorry, Julie. I’ll work on that. How does that sound?”

  “Guerin, we’re serious.”

  “You always are, Milly. Why are you here? I thought this was supposed to be a private chat between Julie and me?”

  “I asked her to join us, Guerin. I was hoping with Milly here we might actually be able to get through to you.”

  “And what is it that you want to get through to me? Have you not fucked up my life enough? Do you have some new form of punishment in mind to try and correct my bad attitude? A lot of fucking good it did last time, huh? If you want to have it out in front of Milly, then fine. I…” All of a sudden, the words wouldn’t come out. Julie was pulling that same bullshit juju she pulled when I met with the Council. It was frustrating, and it just made me madder. Finally, I was able to scream out, “STOP IT!”

  Julie looked surprised.

  “Whatever bullshit you’re pulling to shut me up is just making me angrier. Does it make you feel superior to control me like that?”

  “I’m amazed that you were able to break that control. It’s obvious your abilities are continuing to develop beyond expectations.”

  “What the fuck does that mean? What have you done to me that you’re not telling me about? You didn’t just mess with my health and lifespan, did you?”

  “No,” Julie said that like it was no big deal. “We’ve awoken some abilities that lie dormant in most humans. I said before, you’ll become like us, the Bree. Is that not what you want? Don’t you plan on taking my place on the Council one day?”

  “No, that’s not what I want, and I never said I did. I never planned on taking your place on the council, that would be a truly stupid plan.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head at Milly. She obviously had told her mother about my plan to become emperor. “Why can’t you learn from your mistakes? Why do you have to toy with me? You already fucked up with Heesa. Do you want to repeat that mistake?”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Guerin. Yes, Heesa was my fault, but that was because we chose the wrong person.”

  “Maybe not, Julie. Maybe you just pissed him off like you seem to be trying to do with me. Maybe the only way he can hurt you is to do what he’s done.”

  “I don’t believe that you're capable of such cruelty, Guerin. You could have unleashed the power we gave you and millions could have died, but you didn’t. They killed the woman you loved and still you showed restraint. You even handed that power over to Roger to prevent yourself from doing worse. That’s why we have entrusted you with these new abilities. We do trust you, even if you don’t believe me.”

  “Then what’s the problem? Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

  “Leave you alone to do what, Guerin? Run off to the unaligned worlds? We’re worried that you have some stupid little plan your keeping to yourself. We can’t protect you outside the Collective, and we’re concerned you have some sort of death wish. From your music last night it’s easy to tell that you are a little more than depressed.”

  “So, you’re going to keep me here under observation, Milly?”

  “No. You’re free to go wherever you want. We won’t try to stop you. What is it you expect to find out there on your own?”

  “I don’t know, Milly. I met a few visitors back on Earth that are telling me a different story than the one I hear from you. You don’t have the biggest fan club out there. Sure, they may play by your rules, but that’s only because you have the power to enforce them. Some races despise the Collective, while others simply try to stay clear and ignore you. I didn’t find any that praised the Collective. I want to see what’s really going on out there for myself.”

  “That’s all?”

  “Yes, Julie, that’s all. Well, and maybe I can find a truly great cheeseburger.” I gave her my now famous smartass grin.

  “Why don’t you come with me and your daughter, Guerin? You could travel with us and see the universe.”

  “You want to control me and what I see?”

  “No.”

  “Then what the fuck is it, Milly?”

  “Guerin, there’s no reason for you to treat Milly like that. She’s here because she cares about you.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry, Julie. This is the good cop, bad cop treatment. I didn’t see that one coming. Milly is supposed to try and convince me to do what you two want. If that doesn’t work, you’ll take over and the punishment will continue until my attitude improves?”

  “How have I punished you?”

  “Oh please, Julie. Let’s start with Gitmo?”

  “Oh, that. That was more of a joke. I thought you’d appreciate my sense of humor.”

  “Sorry, I forgot to laugh. What about sending Milly away?”

  “You needed to stand on your own. We couldn’t have you relying on Milly for help. Was your life on Earth so bad without her? You fell in love with a woman, and you have a beautiful child.”

  “And where is that woman I loved now, Julie? Do you know that the only reason I still have my daughter is because of one of her teenage stunts? If she hadn’t changed her plans at the last minute, I would have lost her too. I’m sorry that little bit of happiness escaped your grand plan to grind me down.”

  “I’m truly sorry about your wife, Guerin. You can’t possibly believe that is something I wanted just to punish you.”

  “I don’t know, Julie. That’s the problem. I just don’t know. Thanks to you, I’m now responsible for the deaths of thousands of humans. Why? Because you wanted to test me?”

  “You’re wrong, Guerin.”

  “How’s that, Milly?”

  “You think that everything that happened on Earth was your fault somehow. What would have happened if you weren’t there?”

  “How could I possibly know that?”

  “But you must have thought about it? The Trogan agents found their way to Earth by no fault of your own. They would have had no one there to stop them if it weren’t for you and your team. I guarantee that the death toll would have been much larger if that had happened.”

  “So, I should feel good about what happened?”

  “No, Guerin.” Julie’s answer just proved my point. “No one should feel good about the needless loss of life that occurred, but you should know that you did the best anyone could have under the circumstances. I’m not punishing you, Guerin, you’re punishing yourself.”

  “Oh. I feel much better now that you put it that way.”

  They didn’t get it. They were trying, just like my parents would, to get me to share my real thoughts and feelings with them. That was something I couldn’t do. I knew I was different. I had known that from a very early age. See, there were multiple Guerins, and then my self. No, that’s not a typo, I meant to type my self as two separate words because what I am describing is that part of me that belonged only to me.

  I learned at an early age that sharing that self was not something I should do. It only led to scolding, embarrassment, ridicule, and many times, a good beating. I hid that self, that me, from everyone, and only glimpses of it would ever slip out. As I said, there were multiple Guerins. The son, the student, the employee, the coworker, the friend, the stranger, the husband, the father, and more as needed. They were all roles I played, and I rarely mixed them. There was the husband Guerin who would make love to his wife, and the freak Guerin, who’d abuse and be abused by a couple of ex-sex slaves in the shower.

  This, of course, made relationships difficult and probably why I never married until I met Anna. Anna knew that I held a lot inside of me, and I guess part of the reason I loved her so was she just accepted it. She knew that when I got angry, and walked away, I wasn’t ignoring her. I needed to get away and get control of that self, or tha
t ugly rage inside of me might come out. I guess a psychologist might say I had a repressed personality, but they’re all mostly full of shit. I wasn’t repressing those feelings or emotions. I was just controlling if, and how much, I would let the current Guerin I was playing show.

  I think I looked to sex, drugs, and booze to release this inner self, but they didn’t work. I was always controlling how much of that self I displayed to some extent. A close friend had a friend, who was a well-known hypnotist and performer. One evening he tried to hypnotize me on a dare and couldn’t. He said there were people that couldn’t be hypnotized, and it was most probably because their need to remain in control reached even into their subconscious. Yes, sometimes booze and drugs would make me act stupid, but not lose control. I think when Milly first tried to share herself with me, that is why I reacted so violently, and she backed off.

  This self wasn’t good or evil, it was just me. It had its own agenda though and simply used the various Guerins to achieve that agenda. My alien friends thought the emissary Guerin was a good person who did the right thing without thinking. They were wrong, of course. If what I did was the right thing, it wasn’t because it was right, it was just what that self wanted to do. The same reason I often did the wrong thing.

  I let Stella treat Wang because I didn’t want to let them know that my self was going to have its satisfaction. I wasn’t doing the “right” thing. I knew that it was very likely that the families and friends of the agents we exposed would be killed to cover up what really happened. I knew that the people who died in the confusion in North Korea, died because of the decisions I made as well. Anna and more than a thousand people who had died in New York, died as the result of my actions. The self wasn’t looking for revenge. I knew there was no such thing. I just figured if I was responsible for all these deaths, then I should at least be responsible for the death of someone I wanted dead.

  See, I had just given Julie and Milly a glimpse of that self and they failed to recognize it. I wasn’t punishing myself, I was just being honest with my self. I just hid behind the emissary Guerin so that self could get what it wanted, and what it wanted most of all at that time was Heesa dead. I had to get out there without the Collective watching me or suspecting my true motives.

  “Enough of your smartass remarks, Guerin. We’re worried because you insist on blaming yourself and you are doubting your abilities. You need to get past all of that if you’re going to be of any use in the future. That’s why Roger is going to be taking charge on Earth. We don’t think you’re capable right now.”

  “And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it, Julie? Me being useful to you.”

  “I don’t know why we bother to even try and help you. Perhaps we should just let you go and hope whatever stupid plan you have magically works out. It seems to have worked in the past.”

  “Well, Julie, I don’t know how you can call my plans stupid after what you just said.”

  “Let’s move on, Guerin.” Milly knew that I could fight with Julie until the end of time if someone didn’t stop us. “Do you know where you’re going to go? How you’re going to get there? What about finances? You know that you’ll need credits in these worlds.”

  “No, I don’t know where I’m going exactly. I have a few friends out there who owe me, and one of them has said he would set me up financially. Maybe I can have Bart, or somebody drop me off. Then I’ll find my own way from there.”

  “And how do you plan on going unnoticed? If you go by your name, the Trogans will surely find you. Even if you go by another name, a human is going to stand out, and again they’ll figure out who you are. How are you going to protect yourself?”

  “Well, Julie, I obviously still have a few details to work out. I can use a different name, and I can pass myself off as a disgruntled Bree. I’ll just have to start acting even more annoying and arrogant. That shouldn’t be a problem. I’m sure there are a few of you out there slumming it. I’ll bring my gun for when all else fails.”

  “That is truly the makings of one of your stupidest plans ever, Guerin.”

  “I thought you’d like it, Milly.”

  “What about your daughter? How will you keep in touch with her? How long do you plan on being gone?”

  “Look, Milly. If you don’t want me to go, then you can just say so and stop me. If not, why don’t you stop trying to talk me out of it and help me for once? You could still provide me with that spiffy spaceship I asked for?”

  “Nice try, Guerin.”

  “Ok, Julie, but I’m not going to stop asking.”

  “I know. I saw how you were as a child, remember? Obviously not much has changed since then. We’ll try and give you what help we can, short of a spaceship. Who knows, it may not turn out as bad as that movie you made.” That hit a nerve, and I gave Julie a dirty look. More on that a little later. “We can talk about this again when you get more definite plans. I assume you’re not planning on leaving anytime soon?”

  “No. I want to stay here at least until my daughter leaves, and I have a few things to take care of with the team before I go.”

  That was pretty much the end of our discussion. As usual, I wasn’t quite clear on what the point of this was other than to piss me off. It felt like an intervention, but I’m not sure what they were trying to stop. Perhaps they had an inkling that I was planning something stupid, but I was pretty sure they had no idea as to the extent of stupidity I had in mind.

  Milly walked me out and to the waiting transport pad. I’d given up on figuring out how one was always waiting. I figured it was one of those universal quirks that can’t be explained. Like why, when you drop a slice of bread you just spread some topping on, it’s always the side with the topping that hits the floor. Somethings we just had to accept and move on.

  “Would you like me to give you a lift back to your residence?”

  “No thanks, Milly. I was going to head over to the Earth Bar and grab a drink. For some reason, I always have this overwhelming urge to drink after talking with Julie.”

  “Do you mind if I join you?”

  “Um, I guess. Sure.”

  “If you don’t want me to, that’s ok, Guerin. You can just say so.”

  “I know. I think I said yes.”

  I hopped on the pad and let Milly drive. I had been thinking that I would see if Suzy was working and if she might want to earn a lot of extra game credits. I figured I’d have other opportunities in the future, so I said yes to Milly instead. When we arrived at the bar the members of my team were sitting at a table having lunch and a few drinks. I nodded hello and told Milly to go join them while I’d grabbed us a few drinks.

  The twins were working the bar. Prima was behind the bar cleaning some glasses and she seemed to be ignoring me. I gave her that sad puppy dog smile of mine. She dropped what she was doing and reluctantly came over to take my order.

  “Yes.”

  “You’re not mad at me are you, Prima? I mean because of the rule committee thing last night?”

  “Of course not, Guerin. You only cost us a ton of game credits.”

  “Well, that’s good. I was worried you might be a bit upset.”

  “That was sarcasm, Guerin.”

  “I know. I was being sarcastic too.”

  “What would you like?”

  I thought about telling her what I’d actually like. That involved her, her sister, me, and a hot tub. Then I thought she didn’t seem to be in a receptive mood, so instead I said, “Two Pappy’s, neat please.”

  Katie came up and joined me at the bar while Prima made the drinks. “So?”

  “What?”

  “What did Julie want to talk to you about?”

  “Nothing. Don’t worry about it. I told you I’d handle it, and I will, so just drop it. I’m sure they have their suspicions, but they don’t know anything for sure.”

  Prima brought me my drinks and I thanked her. As I turned to head over to the table I shot Katie one of my shit-eating grins just to re
assure her I hadn’t forgotten my promise.

  I grabbed a seat next to Milly and I handed her one of the whiskeys. “So, Guerin, how was your breakfast with Julie?”

  “It was the highlight of my day so far. They think I’m unstable. That’s why they’re putting you in charge. Did they tell you that?”

  “That’s not what we said, Guerin.”

  “Maybe not, Milly, but it’s what you’re thinking.” I took a sip of my whiskey.

  Katie came back from the bar with a couple of beers for her and Roger and took a seat. She had overheard the conversation as she approached.

  “You’ve always been unstable, Guerin. I don’t know why they’d think it was a big deal.”

  “Thanks, Katie. At least you understand.”

  “We don’t think you’re unstable. We think you’re planning on doing something incredibly stupid. Does anyone know why he would want to travel out to the unaligned worlds knowing that we can’t protect him out there?”

  “Maybe he does have some stupid plan, but since when does that bother you? I thought you liked his stupid plans. Isn’t that why you chose him?”

  “Thanks, Maria, I think?”

  Milly gave Maria a glaring look. “I would think if anybody would be worried about your father it would be you, Maria. You don’t care if he goes out and gets himself killed?”

  “I’m sure if he has a plan it doesn’t include him getting killed. That would be incredibly stupid.” Maria gave me a look of concern.

  “Don’t underestimate my stupidity, daughter.” I grinned and took another sip of whiskey.

  “See! Is no one the least bit concerned?”

  Katie figured it would be a good time to see if Milly had any real idea of what I was up to. “No. Like I said, he doesn’t seem any more unstable or stupid than normal. Do you know what he’s planning, or are you just worried he might possibly plan on doing something monumentally stupid?” Ok, Katie was playing her part a little too well.

  “No, I don’t know what he’s planning, but I know him.”

  “Oh, you know my father, do you? You slept with him for a month or so and that makes you an expert on my father?”