No, the world was a frightening place and she wanted nothing to do with it. It hurt and tormented without pity. And she was simply a vulnerable nothing at its mercy. If there was any merciful God at all, then she prayed he would come and take her away from all this misery.
“Please, Evelina, you must at least eat.” May came to collect the uneaten tray of food she had brought her daughter earlier that day. “You’ll waist away to nothing.”
She knew her mother was concerned, as well as her father, but Evelina couldn’t gather the strength to care. She sat emotionless staring at the bland walls in her room.
May sighed heavily with despair but gathered the tray up and turned to leave. When she reached the door, she glanced back at her daughter. “He wouldn’t want this for you. He wouldn’t want to see you cooped up in a room.”
No, he wouldn’t, she silently admitted. However, he had asked too much of her then and would be asking too much of her now.
When May received no response from Evelina, she opened the bedroom door and was about to leave when the sound of a loud commotion came from the front of the house.
“Evelina!” She heard her father’s excited voice above the animated ones of those of her sisters.
“What is it?” May declared as her husband suddenly appeared in the entranceway. “What is going on?”
Her father’s face was beaming with joy as he advanced into the room. “Sit up child. Come, come now.”
He bustled around her trying to straighten her bed sheets.
“For goodness sakes, Clive, what is this all about?”
“You shall see, you shall see.”
He had barely gotten the words out when a shadow fell over her mother’s figure where she stood blocking Evelina’s bedroom door. Evelina’s gaze naturally followed the shadow to where it loomed just behind her mother’s head. What she saw caused her to stop breathing. She stared at what could only be a phantom or a horribly cruel spirit. Her food-deprived brain must have started creating illusions for Ryan’s handsome face appeared before her. Instantly, her eyes pooled of tears at the sight of Ryan standing inside her parent’s home, outside her bedroom door. And very much alive.
May turned around, gasped in shock and dropped the tray of food. “Oh blessed heavens!”
“Ma’am.” Ryan grinned and knelt to help her mother clean up the scattered food.
At the sound of his voice, Evelina let out a sharp breath for he was real and not a figment of her imagination.
At the sound of her gasp, he lifted his gaze to take in Evelina lying in her bed. His warm eyes scanned the length of her body sprawled out beneath a heavy blanket, causing their blue depths to darken slightly.
“You’re alive!” May cried out in joy before throwing her arms around him to give him a great big hug.
“I’m afraid it appears that way.” Ryan chuckled. Then glancing back to Evelina, he asked, “Are you ill?”
“Evelina has been in mourning,” May informed him. “She’s refused to leave her room from the moment she heard you went missing.”
“Is that so?” He arched an eyebrow. “There was no need for that.”
“Still the same, we are all so happy to see you. Pray tell, how did the rest of the crew fair?”
“You’ll be happy to hear we all survived to see another day.”
“Oh blessed the Lord.”
“Come, Mother.” Clive stood behind Ryan and watched the glances the two younger couple exchanged. “Let’s give them some privacy.”
“Yes, yes, of course.” May eagerly nodded then quickly regathered the tray of food and left the room, stopping only to shut the door behind them.
Ryan turned back to Evelina and stared as if searching for something. Then at last, he said, “For a woman who allegedly mourned my passing, you don’t seem too happy to see me.”
“You have no idea how I feel.” Evelina said in a raspy voice, barely able to control the quiver in her voice.
“Oh? Perhaps you wished me dead instead?”
“Don’t say such things,” she snapped angrily.
“Then is it too much to ask for you to get out of bed and greet me properly?”
Oh how Evelina would have loved nothing more than to throw back the covers and run into his arms. Her jaw trembled as she shook her head. “I’m happy to see you home and safe.”
“Is that all you have to say?”
“What more is there? I believe we said all we needed to say when we last said goodbye.”
“Perhaps then, but not now,” he said. “When you are confronting death in the face, it gives you a new perspective on life.”
“How’s that?”
“I had to come back and see you. To tell you the truth.”
“What truth?”
“When the Spartan began to sink, I thought of only one thing. That I wanted to see you again.”
Her gaze shifted to his face.
“Actually it tormented me recalling our last meeting. To realize that was the last memory I would have of you to take to the grave.” He advanced into the room closer to Evelina. “I knew if I had the chance again, I would redo that moment. Say things differently. Change my decisions.”
“Such as?”
“I would never have left you to go to Toledo and board that ship.”
“You had no possible way of knowing what would happen.”
He held her gaze then shifted directions in his speech. “While I was in hospital recovering, the captain came to see me and offered to secure me crew work on a ship he was sailing to Europe.”
“Europe?”
“Yes. An offer such as that I would have snatched up in a heartbeat in the past, but I realized in that split second that traveling the ocean and exploring other continents was no longer my heart’s desire.”
“It isn’t?”
“No, the only thing I wanted was to come back home to you. The very idea I may never see you ever again was heart wrenching.”
“You mustn’t talk that way.”
“Why not?
Evelina was bursting with joy on the inside from Ryan’s words yet knew he was talking irrational. The only thing he had ever wanted was to sail the ocean and explore far off places. And he was willing to throw all that away for her. A fraud. No matter how much she wanted to surrender to his love, she knew she needed to reject his declaration.
“You returned for the Lady Evelina. Not for me.”
He sighed heavily. “You can’t keep hiding behind that.”
“I think maybe you should leave.”
“That’s the last thing you want.”
She closed her eyes, trying to ease her heartbreak.
“When will you start entrusting your life to fate, Evelina?”
“What?”
“Stop being afraid to live.”
She sighed and shook her head. “Please, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“Then stop blaming me why we won’t work.”
Bitterly, she said, “The only reason you ever wanted me was to take claim of the Lady Evelina.”
“Yes, that was my reason initially but I’ve come to love you dearly.”
Hearing him proclaim is love nearly was Evelina’s undoing. Her heart felt as if it had stopped beating an entire minute.
Barely able to catch her breath, she replied with a cracking voice, “Don’t do this. You don’t know what you’re asking.”
“Tell me you don’t feel the same.”
She squeezed back tears. Oh how she wished she had the strength to do so. But it wasn’t real. None of it. Instead, she whispered, “I’m grateful your life was spared.”
“I’ve traveled twelve hundred miles to see you again. Is that all you have to say?”
Her throat began to swell and Evelina was terrified she would break down in sobs. “I thought you died. It was the worse feeling ever. I can’t do this.”
“Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. But please don’t close yourself off from me.”
“I can’t. Not yet.” He said firmly. “I have another confession to make. When I returned from Placid to discover you had sought help on heeling your phobia, I was disappointed. You wouldn’t need me if you were cured. Perhaps even choose to marry another.”
“Isn’t that what you wanted? You pretty much said as much at one time. Actually, I believe you wished it.”
“I lied.” He bluntly stated. “Both to you and to myself. I want you for myself.”
Her breath caught in her throat.
“You are my heart’s desire, Evelina.”
“Sailing the ocean is your heart’s desire. Are you trying to tell me you no longer dream of setting sail ever again? I wouldn’t believe you.”
“No, I will always dream of sailing off to foreign continents and exploring the world by sea.” Her heart dropped. “But if I have to choose between you or that, than I choose you.”
She couldn’t respond immediately so overwhelmed with his honest admission.
“Y–you don’t know what you are saying.”
“You fulfill me.”
Her pulse quickened and her jaw trembled. On a quivering note, she whispered, “I can’t ever be the woman you want.”
“Ah, there it is. The real reason you won’t allow yourself to love me.”
“I’m not what you want.”
“How do you know what I want?”
“You want someone who is bold, brave and beautiful. I’m none of those things.”
“What I want is you and all your little quirks by my side for eternity.”
Evelina struggled to control her accelerating heart rate. How could it not? His words held dreams and everlasting happiness. All she ever wanted was to be accepted for who she was. Still, Ryan had goals and dreams of his own and she would only hold him back. He would never be happy strapped to a woman like her. “I can’t.”
“I think you’re lying. You are not concerned about me, but yourself instead. I think you are too frightened to take a leap and risk getting hurt again.”
“You need to stop now.”
“Tell me you don’t love me.”
No matter how much she knew she should, Evelina could not say the words that would possibly send Ryan away for good so she remained silent instead.
“Sometimes all you can do in life is take a chance. Nothing is ever guaranteed. I can’t promise you tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, but I can promise you today. Right now, right this moment. After that, life is simply a gamble. But I can tell you this, you’ll never know what awaits you or what opportunities you may miss if you don’t try.”
“I’m not the gambling type.”
Disheartened, he sighed but said nevertheless, “Luckily, I am. Tomorrow at noon, I will be waiting for you at the altar in St. Paul’s Church. I will stand there all day if need be until you show up.”
“Ryan, please—”
“I plan to make you my wife tomorrow. I don’t want another day to pass without you by my side.”
Oh good Lord, he was making it so painful. His words were like a warm caress to her frozen heart. But Evelina dare not yield. She had to remain steadfast. The risk of getting hurt yet again was far too great a chance. “You’ll be wasting your time.”
“I disagree,” he said. “I gambled for your hand once before without my knowledge. This time around, I’m fully aware and want nothing more.”
“Then you’re a fool to put your faith in a gamble.”
“I’m placing my faith with you, Evelina,” he said. “Trust me, just once in your life, and take a leap of faith with me.”
She hated that his words were actually beginning to ignite hope, raise the shroud of loneliness she safely lived within. But it was too much of a risk. He was asking for too much.
“I think you should leave now.”
“Fine. I can see that our arguing is getting nowhere.” He agrees. “But I haven’t changed my mind. Nor have I lost my belief in us. I will be at that church tomorrow. Whether you show or not.”
Their gazes locked and Evelina again felt her resolve weaken. Her body trembled from trying to hold back the tears. “Just go.”
He sighed and gave her one long lasting look before turning on his heal and leaving her alone once again.
Evelina dropped her head into her hands and allowed the tears to finally flow. Her emotions were taking such a beating from being devastated when the sea claimed Ryan, to having him return to her safe and sound. Only to spurn his declaration of love and send him away once again. Life was horribly cruel and at times she felt she was given far too much of her share.
Her bedroom door opened once again but this time her father entered the room. “Is everything alright? Ryan left looking rather upset.”
She felt tears burning the back of her eyes. She knew she had broken Ryan’s heart, but in the end, she knew she was doing the right thing for him. He might have thought he had come to care for her, but the truth was he didn’t know the real Evelina. If he did, he would never had shown her any interest. The only reason he had come to know her at all was because of the Lady Evelina. Without the boat, Evelina herself was nothing.
“I couldn’t, Papa.”
“Evelina, you don’t give yourself enough credit. That boy loves you.”
“He may have convinced himself of that, but he doesn’t know.”
“Doesn’t know what?”
“You know what I mean.”
He sighed. “If he truly loves you, then that won’t make any difference.”
She laughed coldly. “Is that why you refused to tell him as well? Why all these years you’ve tried to hide the truth from potential suitors?”
A wrinkle formed above the bridge of his nose. “I didn’t want anyone’s opinion of you tainted by—”
“But they would eventually find out. And so will Ryan. I can’t keep hiding it from him.”
“But by now he has come to care for you dearly. He is a good man with a good soul. It won’t matter to him.”
“That’s easy for you to say.” She frowned. “I don’t entirely trust his feelings.”
“Why ever not? That boy has done nothing but shown you how much he cares. My God, he nearly died and as soon as he could he came directly back to you.”
“How can you not be sure he didn’t come back for the Lady Evelina?” Though she said it, Evelina was no longer fully convinced Ryan’s motives were solely selfish. She felt the earnest in his voice and the truth in his words.
“He didn’t come back for the boat.”
She sighed. “You don’t know that for certain.”
“Yes, I do.” He stated firmly. “I gave Ryan the Lady Evelina awhile back. Clear and free of any obligation to marry you.”
“What?”
“Yes, it’s true.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t he tell me?”
“He asked me not to.” He explained. “He wanted to try to uphold his end of the bargain even knowing that he was duped into it. He’s a fine gentleman that boy. I always knew that about him. That’s why I chose him as a partner for you and not one of your sisters.”
“I’m happy for him then.” She flatly stated though she hardly felt happy. If anything, she felt her emotions plummet. “He will be able to live his dream and not be stifled by a broken wife.”
“You shouldn’t say such things.”
“Why not? It’s true. You know it’s true.”
“I don’t see you as broken.”
“But you don’t see me as whole either.”
He produced a weary sigh. “I wish you would stop torturing yourself and give love a chance.”
“And yet you don’t deny you fear he will turn away from my true self.”
“He loves you and will love you broken or not. Once you are his wife you can tell him—”
She barked a sarcastic chuckle. “Ah, there it is!”
“Evelina you�
��ve come so far. Don’t give up now.”
She shook her head. “No, he deserves a whole wife. A woman who can be a wife in the whole sense.”
Clive gave her a look of pity. “Are you sure it’s not Ryan you are trying to protect, but yourself instead?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you so frightened of being rejected that you won’t allow yourself the chance at happiness?”
She looked away, concealing the truth. “It’s for the best. He will be happier with the Lady Evelina then with this shattered Evelina.”
“Then I’m afraid he will have neither.”
Angry, she shot him a glance. “You just said you already gave him the boat. It is cruel for you to reclaim it. That boat is rightfully his, I won’t allow you to—”
“Calm down, Evelina. I didn’t repossess the boat or renege on my decision to give it to Ryan.” He told her. “As a matter of fact, he returned it. Gave it back saying he didn’t want it. Not if it didn’t come with you.”
“Oh.”
“Now if that isn’t love, then I don’t know what is.”
Her breath caught in her throat as she locked glances with her father.
“Why don’t you ponder that thought? Decide whether you are willing to make the same sacrifice and take a gamble.”
A dry chuckle passed her lips. Hadn’t Ryan also used the same idiom?
“You get some sleep, Evelina. It’s been a trying day. You think it over and tell me in the morning if you’ve changed your mind.”
Which Evelina did, think on it that was, for she got no sleep. Ryan’s ultimatum sat heavily on her mind all night long. On top of that, her emotions were in a turmoil. She was both overjoyed and heartbroken at his return. She nearly lost him to the sea and swore if given the chance she would never let him go. Yet, it was what she must do. It would be selfish for her to succumb to her feelings toward Ryan. There was a part of her that desperately wanted to love him freely, but that could never be for as long as her secret remained, he was not hers to have.
Evelina knew what she must do. She just didn’t know if she had the courage to do it.
Lady and the Gamble: A Sweet Victorian Romance (The Colby Brothers Book 2) Page 19
