Elbow-Room: A Novel Without a Plot

by Charles Heber Clark

  CHAPTER XXXI.

  _VARIOUS THINGS_.

  It is a notorious fact that itinerant circus companies pay verypoorly, and that the man who does not get his money from them inadvance is not very likely to get it at all. Major Slott of _ThePatriot_ has suffered a good deal from these concerns; and when "TheGreat European Circus and Metropolitan Caravan" tried to slip off theother day without settling its advertising bill, he called upon thesheriff and got him to attach the Bengal tiger for the debt. The tigerwas brought in its cage and placed in the composing-room, where itconsumed fifteen dollars' worth of meat in two days--the major's billwas only twelve dollars--and scratched one trouser leg off of thereporter, who was standing in front of the cage stirring up the animalwith a broom. On the third day the bottom fell out of the cage; and asthe tiger seemed to want to roam around and inquire into things, thewhole force of compositors all at once felt as if they ought togo suddenly down stairs and give the animal a chance. With thatmysterious instinct which distinguishes dumb animals, and which goesfar to prove that they have souls, the tiger went at once for thedoor of the major's sanctum, and it broke in just as Slott was in themiddle of a tearing editorial upon "Our Tendencies toward Caesarism."The major, however, did not hesitate to knock off. He stopped at once,and emerged with a fine, airy grace through the window, bringing thesash with him; and then he climbed up the water-spout to the roof,where he sat until a hook-and-ladder company came and took him off._The Patriot_ did not issue for a week; for although the majorbombarded the tiger with shot-guns pointed through the windows, andalthough the fire-engine squirted hot water at him, the brute gotalong very comfortably until Saturday night, when he tried to swallowa composing-stick and choked to death. When they entered the room,they found that the animal had upset all the type and had soakedhimself in ink and then rolled over nearly every square inch of thefloor, while the major's leader on "Caesarism" was saturated with waterand perforated with shot-holes. After this circus advertisements in_The Patriot_ will be paid for in advance.

  MAJOR SLOTT'S TIGER]

  In one of the issues of his paper, just after the trouble with thetiger, the major offered some reflections upon the general subjectof "Tigers," in which he gave evidence that he had recovered hisgood-humor to some extent. He said,

  "We have read with very deep interest a description of how Van Amburghused to obtain control over tigers and other wild beasts. All he didwas to mesmerize them two or three times, and they soon recognized hispower and obeyed him. The thing seems simple and easy enough, now thatwe understand it, and we have a mysterious impression that we couldwalk out into a jungle and subdue the first tiger we met by makinga few passes at him with our hands. But we are not anxious to dothis--for one reason, because the Indian jungles are so far away, andfor another, because we do not want to hurt an innocent tiger. If wehave to meddle with such animals, we always prefer to operate withthose that are stuffed. Show us a tiger with sawdust bowels, andwe will stand in front of him and make mesmeric motions for a weekwithout the quiver of a nerve. Not that we are timid when the tigeris alive, but simply because a fur-store is more convenient than ajungle, and there is less danger of wetting our feet. If we happenedto be in India and we wanted a tiger, we should unhesitatingly go outand stand boldly in front of the very first one we saw--tied to atree--and we should bring him home instantly if we could find a manwilling to lead him with a string. But this kind of courage is bornin some men. It cannot be acquired; and timid persons who intend topractice Van Amburgh's method will find it more judicious to begin themesmerizing operation by soothing the animal with a howitzer."

  FACING THE TIGER]

  * * * * *

  The lightning-rod man haunts our county as he does the rest of thecivilized portion of the country; and although occasionally he securesa victim, sometimes it happens that he gets worsted in his attempts tobeguile his fellow-men. Such was his fate upon a recent occasion inour village.

  The other day a lightning-rod man drove up in front of a handsomeedifice standing in the midst of trees and shrubs in Millburg, andspoke to Mr. Potts, who was sitting on the steps in front. He accostedPotts as the owner of the residence, and said,

  "I see you have no lightning-rods on this house."

  "No," said Potts.

  "Are you going to put any on?"

  "Well, I hadn't thought of it," replied Potts.

  "You ought to. A tall building like this is very much exposed. I'dlike to run you up one of my rods; twisted steel, glass fenders,nickel-plated tips--everything complete. May I put one up to show you?I'll do the job cheap."

  "Certainly you may, if you want to. I haven't the slightestobjection," said Potts.

  During the next half hour the man had his ladders up and hisassistants at work, and at the end of that time the job was done. Hecalled Potts out into the yard to admire it. He said to Potts,

  "Now, that is all well enough; but if it was _my_ house, I'd haveanother rod put on the other side. There's nothing like beingprotected thoroughly."

  "That's true," said Potts; "it would be better."

  "I'll put up another, shall I?" asked the man.

  "Why, of course, if you think it's best," said Potts.

  Accordingly, the man went to work again, and soon had the rod in itsplace.

  "That's a first-rate job," he said to Potts as they both stood eyeingit. "I like such a man as you are. Big-hearted, liberal, not afraid toput a dollar down for a good thing. There's some pleasure in dealin'with you. I like you so much that I'd put a couple more rods on thathouse, one on the north end and one on the south, for almost nothin'."

  "It would make things safer, I suppose," said Potts.

  "Certainly it would. I'd better do it, hadn't I, hey?"

  "Just as you think proper," said Potts.

  So the man ran up two more rods, and then he came down and said toPotts, "There! that's done. Now let's settle up."

  "Do what?"

  "Why, the job's finished, and now I'll take my money."

  "You don't expect me to pay you, I hope?"

  "Of course I do. Didn't you tell me to put those rods on your house?"

  "My house!" shouted Potts. "Thunder and lightning! I never ordered youto put those rods up. It would have been ridiculous. Why, man, this isthe court-house, and I'm here waiting for the court to assemble. I'mon the jury. You seemed to be anxious to rush out your rods; and asit was none of my business, I let you go on. Pay for it! Come, now,that's pretty good."

  The people who were present say that the manner in which thatlightning-rod man tore around and swore was fearful. But when he gothis rods off of the court-house, he left permanently. He don't fancythe place.

  Keyser had lightning-rods placed upon his barn three or four yearsago; but during last summer the building was struck by lightning andburned. When he got the new barn done, a man came around with ared wagon and wanted to sell him a set of Bolt & Burnam's patentlightning-rods.

  "I believe not," said Keyser; "I had rods on the barn at the time ofthe--"

  "I know," exclaimed the agent--"I know you had; and very likely that'sthe reason you were struck. Nothin's more likely to attract lightnin'than worthless rods."

  "How do you know they were worthless?"

  "Why, I was drivin' by yer in the spring, and I seen them rods, and Isays to myself, 'That barn'll be struck some time, but there's no usein tryin' to convince Mr. Keyser;' so I didn't call. I knowed it,because they had iron tips. A rod with iron tips is no better'n aclothes-prop to ward off lightnin'."

  "The man who sold them to me said they had platinum tips," remarkedKeyser.

  "Ah! this is a wicked world, Mr. Keyser. You can't be too cautious.Some of these yer agents lie like a gas-meter. It's awful, sir. Theyare wholly untrustworthy. Them rods was the most ridicklus sham I eversee--a regular gouge. They wa'n't worth the labor it took to put 'emup. They wa'n't, now. That's the honest truth."

  "What kind do you offer?"

  "Well,
sir, I've got the only genuine lightnin'-rod that's made. It'sconstructed on scientific principles. Professor Henry says it's sureto run off the electric fluid every time--twisted charcoal iron, glassinsulators, eight points on each rod, warranted solid platinum. Wegive a written guarantee with each rod. Never had a house strucksince we began to offer this rod to the public. Positive fact. Thelightnin'll play all around a house with one of 'em and never touchit. A thunder-storm that'd tear the bowels out of the Americancontinent would leave your house as safe as a polar bear in the middleof an iceberg. Shall I run you one up?"

  "I don't know," said Keyser, musingly.

  "I'll put you up one cheap, and then you'll have somethin'reliable--somethin' there's no discount on."

  "You say the old rod was a fraud?"

  "The deadliest fraud you ever heard of. It hadn't an ounce of platinumwithin a mile of it. The man that sold it ought to be prosecuted, andthe fellow that put it up without insulators should be shot. It's toobad the farmers should be gouged in this sort of way."

  "And Bolt & Burnam's rod is not a fraud?"

  "A fraud? Why, really, my dear sir, just cast your eye over ProfessorHenry's letter and these certificates, and remember that we give a_written guarantee_--a positive protection, of course."

  "Just cast _your_ eye over that," said Keyser, handing him a piece ofpaper.

  "Well, upon my word! This is indeed somewhat--that is to say it is,as it were--it looks--it looks a little like one of our owncertificates."

  "Just so," said Keyser. "That old rod was one of Bolt & Burnam's. Yousold it to my son-in-law; you gave this certificate; you swore thepoints were platinum, and your man put it up."

  "Then I suppose we can't trade?"

  "Well, I should think not," said Keyser. Whereupon the man mounted thered wagon and moved on.

  * * * * *

  When Benjamin P. Gunn, the life insurance agent, called upon Mr.Butterwick, the following conversation ensued:

  _Gunn_. "Mr. Butterwick, you have no insurance on your life, Ibelieve? I dropped in to see if I can't get you to go into ourcompany. We offer unparalleled inducements, and--"

  _Butterwick_. "I don't want to insure."

  _Gunn_. "The cost is just nothing worth speaking of; a mere trifle.And then we pay enormous dividends, so that you have so much securityat such a little outlay that you can be perfectly comfortable andhappy."

  _Butterwick_. "But I don't want to be comfortable and happy. I'mtrying to be miserable."

  _Gunn_. "Now, look at this thing in a practical light. You've got todie some time or other. That is a dreadful certainty to which we mustall look forward. It is fearful enough in any event, but how much moreso when a man knows that he leaves nothing behind him! We all shrinkfrom death, we all hate to think of it; the contemplation of it fillsus with awful dread; but reflect, what must be the feelings of theman who enters the dark valley with the assurance that in a pecuniarysense his life has been an utter failure? Think how--"

  _Butterwick_. "Don't scare me a bit. I want to die; been wanting todie for years. Rather die than live any time."

  _Gunn_. "I say, think how wretched will be the condition of those dearones whom you leave behind you! Will not the tears of your heartbrokenwidow be made more bitter by the poverty in which she is suddenlyplunged, and by the reflection that she is left to the charity of acold and heartless world. Will not--"

  _Butterwick_. "I wouldn't leave her a cent if I had millions. It'lldo the old woman good to skirmish around for her living. Then she'llappreciate me."

  _Gunn_. "Your poor little children, too. Fatherless, orphaned, theywill have no one to fill their famished mouths with bread, no one toprotect them from harm. You die uninsured, and they enter a life ofsuffering from the keen pangs of poverty. You insure in our company,and they begin life with enough to feed and clothe them, and to raisethem above the reach of want."

  _Butterwick_. "I don't want to raise them above the reach of want. Iwant them to want. Best thing they can do is to tucker down to work asI did"

  _Gunn_. "Oh, Mr. Butterwick, try to take a higher view of the matter.When you are an angel and you come back to revisit the scenes ofearth, will it not fill you with sadness to see your dear ones exposedto the storm and the blast, to hunger and cold?"

  _Butterwick_. "I'm not going to be an angel; and if I was, I wouldn'tcome back."

  _Gunn_. "You are a poor man now. How do you know that your family willhave enough when you are gone to pay your funeral expenses, to buryyou decently?"

  _Butterwick_. "I don't want to be buried."

  _Gunn_. "Perhaps Mrs. Butterwick will be so indignant at your neglectthat she will not mourn for you, that she will not shed a tear overyour bier."

  _Butterwick_. "I don't want a bier, and I'd rather she wouldn't cryany."

  _Gunn_. "Well, then, s'posin' you go in on the endowment plan and takea policy for five thousand dollars, to be paid you when you reach theage of fifty?"

  _Butterwick_. "I don't want five thousand dollars when I'm fifty. Iwouldn't take it if you were to fling it at me and pay me to take it."

  _Gunn_. "I'm afraid, then, I'll have to say good-morning."

  _Butterwick_. "I don't want you to say good-morning; you can gowithout saying it."

  _Gunn_. "I'll quit."

  _Butterwick_. "Aha! now you've hit it! I _do_ want you to quit, and assuddenly as you can."

  Then Mr. Gunn left. He thinks he will hardly insure Butterwick.

  FINIS]