Jennifer Crusie Bundle

by Jennifer Crusie

  And with her.

  He might even kiss her again, and if he did, she was going to pounce this time. No more shrinking violet.

  As long as he made the first move.

  “Okay, tilt it to the right,” Zack said, and Lucy obediently tilted the table.

  Maybe if she wore her old tight jeans. He seemed impressed with them that day on the basement stairs.

  Would that be fair?

  Did she care?

  “Come on,” Zack said, and she followed him with the table through the door into the dining room.

  “Listen,” she said as they put the table down, “if we’re going to do messy stuff, I’m changing into my jeans.”

  ANTHONY CALLED, AND ZACK took it in the living room, sinking into one of the oversoft chairs and moving his arm so Maxwell could climb into his lap.

  “Glad you called. I want a phone tap,” Zack said. “Somebody is calling and hanging up every time I answer.”

  “Sounds like a jealous ex-husband. You may want to watch your back. Mrs. Dover reported another prowler. If it’s Bradley Porter, and he’s the one running around with the .38, he uses it.”

  “Just so he doesn’t use it on Lucy. She insists that he’s not violent, by the way.” Zack idly scratched Maxwell’s ears. “Anything new on the car bomb?”

  “I’ve got the final report here. Very neat. Plastic explosive, timer set on a five-minute delay, controlled damage. Professional job. And our Bradley—John Bradley—was in the Navy. Very tidy.”

  “If this case is so tidy, why are we still so lost?”

  “Speak for yourself,” Anthony said. “I’m pursuing the investigation with my usual cold, clean logic. What are you doing?”

  “Ripping up Lucy’s kitchen floor.”

  “With your teeth? Well, at least you’re calmer than you were last night. What happened, anyway?”

  Lucy came down the stairs and walked by wearing her jeans. She smiled at Zack before she went into the kitchen.

  He had a sudden vision of her naked.

  “Oh, hell.”

  “What?”

  “You know that fantasizing problem I was having?”

  “Is this the ‘Lucy naked’ part?”

  “Right. Well, I’m not having that problem anymore.”

  “Oh.”

  “I’m having other problems.”

  “Try a cold shower.”

  “There’s not enough water in Riverbend.” Zack stood, dumping Maxwell off his lap, and craned his neck to try to see through the dining room into the kitchen. “I’m relying on self-control and maturity.”

  “I’d be worried,” Anthony said, “but I know Lucy can defend herself. How’s your lip?”

  “Great. I have to go now. You wouldn’t believe how tight this woman’s jeans are.”

  “Zack?” Anthony’s voice was suddenly serious. “You know, it’s not a great idea to seduce a woman you’re protecting. All kidding aside, do you want me to send Matthews over?”

  “Who?”

  “Junior.”

  “I will shoot him on sight,” Zack said and hung up so he could follow Lucy into the kitchen.

  BY EIGHT THAT NIGHT, the phone tap was on, the floor had come up with a minimum of effort and a maximum of mess, and Lucy had shown Zack how to make roast beef with dry onion-soup mix for dinner.

  “This is amazing,” he said, after the floor was in the backyard, and they were in the dining room eating. “All I did was pour some water and that powder stuff on the meat and throw it in the oven, and three hours later, we eat. Do you have any idea what chefs get paid in this town?”

  Lucy tried not to grin. “I don’t think the Maisonette uses onion-soup mix. I think they chop more than we do.”

  “Absolutely amazing,” Zack said, and Lucy laughed. “What?” he said.

  “You just make everything so much fun. Even boring things like cooking and taking out the kitchen floor. You’re excited about everything.”

  “Not everything. Just about some things.” Zack watched her for a moment, her face warm and happy in the soft light. She was so calm, there was so much peace wherever Lucy was, that lately, whenever he looked at her, he felt like he was home. It was a dangerous feeling. If she could do that after only three days, where would he be in a week?

  “Zack?” she said, and he said, “Tell me about yourself.”

  Her eyes widened in surprise. “Me? There’s nothing to tell.”

  “Sure, there is. I already know you’re a great teacher.” He gestured at his plate with his fork. “And I know you’re a great cook. And I know you have the sister from hell.”

  “No, she’s not. She’s just had bad luck with men.”

  “Three times? No offense, but that temper of hers must have had something to do with three divorces.”

  Lucy shook her head. “It wasn’t like that. She used to be a lot nicer than me, although she was always really practical. The first time she got married, she thought she was getting married for money. Well, she didn’t just think so, she did. Morgan was very rich. And he was a lot older than she was, too.”

  “A lot?”

  “Forty years. She was nineteen.”

  “That’s a lot.”

  “Yes, but then she fell in love with him. Our parents weren’t…well…warm people. I mean, they took very good care of us, but there wasn’t a lot of hugging. When we were kids, like in grade school, Tina and I used to talk about what it would be like when we got married, and we both swore we were going to marry men who hugged a lot, like the men in the movies. But then when we got older…” Lucy sighed. “Well, I still believed in that, and I think Tina wanted to, but then Morgan proposed. He was crazy about Tina, and Tina was just tired of not having any money, and she wanted to go to art school. Morgan promised to put her through, so she said yes. I tried to talk her out of it, but she said it was stupid to wait for love, and that Morgan was very sweet, and she was going to do it. I cried all the way through the wedding because I thought she’d made a terrible mistake.”

  “So what happened?”

  Lucy’s face softened into a smile as she remembered. “He was wonderful to her. It wasn’t just the money. He thought all her paintings were beautiful, he thought she was beautiful, and he told her so. He hugged her all the time, praised her all the time…” Lucy’s smiled turned rueful. “Six months after they were married, I apologized to her for trying to stop her. By then, she was crazy about him. They were so happy together, people even stopped saying she’d married him for his money.”

  “So what happened?” Zack repeated.

  “Nothing for four years. They were waiting until Tina graduated, and then they were going to go around the world for a year seeing every art museum they could find for Tina, and…” Lucy stopped again. “Tina was so excited. She told me that she was going off the Pill for the trip because they were ready to start a family. She was thrilled.”

  Zack winced. “Why do I have a bad feeling about this next part?”

  “He died,” Lucy said. “The week after she graduated, he had a heart attack and died. And Tina was devastated. She was in mourning for almost two years. She wouldn’t do anything but paint and listen to music. Morgan had a huge record collection, and she used to listen to it because she said it was like he was there.”

  Zack shook his head. “That doesn’t sound like the Tina I saw in the diner.”

  “The Tina you saw in the diner has had two husbands since then.” Lucy picked up her fork again. “One slept with her best friend and one hit her. Don’t criticize Tina. She’s a survivor. I should be more like her.”

  “No, you shouldn’t,” Zack said, alarmed. “You’re fine the way you are.”

  Lucy looked thoughtful for a moment. “You know, that may be part of the reason I went ahead and married Bradley. I mean, marrying without passion worked for Tina. She got it all anyway. And I didn’t seem to be having much luck finding a hugger.”

  “So you didn’t feel passionate about Bradley?
What a shame. Pass the potatoes.”

  “I don’t think I’m a passionate person.” Lucy carefully avoided looking at Zack as she handed him the vegetable dish.

  “Oh, you meet the right guy, and you’ll be surprised,” Zack said. “You got any plans for dessert?”

  THEY SPENT THE REST of the evening scrubbing the old glue off the kitchen floor. At ten, they quit to take a beer-and-pretzel break, and the phone rang. Zack followed Lucy and waited while she picked it up. “It’s Tina,” she told him, and he took the pretzels and the beer over to build a fire with the dogs.

  “So how’s life with the cop?” Tina asked.

  Lucy curled up in an armchair, draping the phone cord over the arm. “Difficult. But nobody’s tried to kill me lately, so I’m not complaining.”

  “Hell, yes. It’s been over twenty-four hours since anything’s exploded in your vicinity. By the way, I’m buying you a new car for your birthday. What do you want?”

  “Nothing. My insurance will cover it.”

  “There must be some kind of car that’s bomb-proof.”

  “Forget the car. Get me something that’s Zack-proof.” Lucy dropped her voice and kept a wary eye on Zack across the room in front of the fire.

  “Is he being difficult? Shall I have somebody beat him up?”

  “No. If I need that, I’ll do it. He’s just driving me crazy.”

  “How?”

  “Well, he’s ripped up my kitchen floor, for starters.”

  “Why? He thought Bradley was under there?”

  “No. I think he got bored, but he’s afraid to leave for fear I’ll get killed.”

  “So he ripped up the kitchen floor.”

  “Well, it keeps him off the streets. He’s also cooking.”

  “He cooks? He didn’t seem the type.”

  “I’m teaching him. We’re starting with the basics. Nachos and chili.”

  “Lucy, what’s going on?”

  “I’m crazy about him.” Lucy’s voice sank to a whisper. “I’ve had more lustful thoughts in the past three days than in the entire rest of my life. Somebody blew up my car, and all I can think about is ripping off his clothes. I’ve never had so much fun, and I’ve never been so turned on, and he doesn’t seem to notice.”

  “Jump him,” Tina said.

  “I don’t know how. Ideas. I need ideas.”

  “Take off your clothes and crawl into bed with him. I know it’s not subtle, but he looked like the elemental type in the restaurant. If you get too subtle, he may not catch on.”

  Lucy clutched the phone. “I can’t do that. What if he says no, and there I am, naked? I’ll die.”

  “He won’t say no, but who cares if he does? Do it. Hell, guys go through this every time they make a move on a woman, and none of them has died yet. In many cases, that is, of course, unfortunate, but rejection is definitely not lethal. Go get him.”

  “I can’t.” Lucy shot another glance at Zack. “He kissed me last night, but then he stopped. Do you think it was my hair?”

  “No. I think you should get your hair fixed, but I definitely do not think it was your hair.”

  “Maybe I’ll make an appointment to get my hair done and then…”

  “Lucy. You’re just using this hair thing to hide behind. When you are ready to be that new independent woman you kept babbling about in the diner, you’ll seduce him with your hair the way it is.”

  “Maybe. But maybe the hair makes a difference. Maybe that’s why he kissed me and stopped.”

  “Maybe he was being a gentleman,” Tina said doubtfully.

  “Zack?”

  “Maybe not. I’ll stop by tomorrow night and check him out—No, I won’t. I’ve got theater tickets.”

  Lucy breathed again. “Good. I don’t need you helping. You’ll hurt him.”

  “I’ll stop by Wednesday night. If you haven’t made your move by then, we’ll work something out.”

  “Tina, really—”

  “You have forty-eight hours. Do it. Just don’t get hung up on him. I think this lust thing you’re developing is very healthy, but Zack is not husband material. Just use him to get over Bradley, and then I’ll introduce you to somebody nice and quiet and rich.” A doorbell chimed in the background on Tina’s end of the line. “Oh, hell. I’ve got to go. Bye.”

  “Tina, I don’t think so…” Lucy began, but Tina had already hung up.

  “Lucy?” Zack called from over by the fire. “Is everything all right?”

  “Tina says hi,” Lucy said and went to join him.

  “THIS IS THE LIFE.” Zack sat on the floor leaning back against the love seat. “Great food, great fire, great company.” He looked over at the three dogs lined up expectantly beside him. “Don’t look at me. Your mom’s got the pretzels.”

  “Forget it,” Lucy said to them from where she had curled up on the love seat. “Pretzels are bad for your figures.”

  The dogs lapsed into their favorite activities. Einstein put his head between his paws and watched the food, Maxwell sat and stared into space, and Heisenberg rolled over onto his back.

  “Einstein, Heisenberg, and Maxwell,” Zack said. “Is there a pattern to these names? Obviously, Einstein even I can figure out. He looks just like the old guy. But why Heisenberg and Maxwell?”

  “They’re both famous physicists. Heisenberg was because Einstein was suspicious of him, and I thought he was uncertain about whether he wanted to stay. I was wrong about the second part, but the rest of it fit.”

  “I don’t get it.”

  “Werner Heisenberg said the universe was an uncertain place, with no real rules. He drove Albert Einstein crazy because Einstein wanted to believe that the universe was completely understandable. So when this poor little dog showed up at the front door and Einstein growled, and the next day the dog was gone but he came back again in the evening, I just thought, well, Einstein is suspicious of him and he’s uncertain about staying, so…”

  “You named him Heisenberg,” Zack finished for her. “What part were you wrong about?”

  “Heisenberg wasn’t uncertain,” Lucy said grimly.

  “What?”

  “Heisenberg was gone every morning for three days in a row. Bradley would tell me that he’d let him out and he’d just disappear, which I thought was strange because the backyard is fenced, but then Heisenberg is a small dog, so I thought maybe he’d found a hole. So I looked, but I couldn’t find one. And then I got up early one morning and glanced out the front window and saw Bradley putting Heisenberg in the car. So I went out on the front porch and asked him what he was doing.”

  Lucy clenched her jaw, and Zack saw the old anger seep back into her eyes.

  “I hate Bradley,” he said.

  Lucy swallowed and went on. “He didn’t say anything, but while he was standing there, Heisenberg jumped out of the car and came trotting back into the house. Bradley just stood there, sort of annoyed. I wanted to kill him. I should have known right then that everything was over, but…”

  “But?” Zack prompted.

  “Well, we were married. That’s serious. You don’t go to court and say, ‘I want a divorce because my husband tried to lose my dog.’ And after all, he could have taken him to the pound, and then Heisenberg would have died.”

  Zack shook his head, disgusted. “No, he wouldn’t have. If Heisenberg hadn’t come back one night, what would you have done?”

  “Called the pound.” Lucy stared into the fire. “Bradley wasn’t so dumb.”

  Her voice was lost, and Zack wanted to hit somebody. Preferably Bradley. “Yes, he was,” he said. “He lost you. That was extremely dumb.”

  “Oh.” Lucy blinked. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.” Their eyes met for a moment, and then he looked away, searching for a diversion. Any diversion. No matter how lame. “Hey. Stop hogging the pretzels.”

  She passed him the pretzels, and he tried to remember the part about not getting involved.

  “What I need
to know,” he said finally, dragging his mind back to the investigation, “is the kind of guy Bradley is. You seem really sure he’s not a criminal.”

  Lucy picked up her cue. “It’s hard to believe. He has no imagination. He’s essentially a good man, but he’s boring. If he was a criminal, at least he’d be interesting.”

  How boring? Zack wondered. Was he boring in bed?

  “Actually,” Lucy went on, “we were both boring. We were the most boring couple in Riverbend.”

  Zack gave in. “In bed, too?”

  “I beg your pardon,” Lucy said.

  “It’s a legitimate question,” Zack said, trying to convince himself. “After all, he may have seduced and shot a blonde.”

  “No, he didn’t. I told you, the blonde seduced him, which was more than I was ever able to do.” Lucy blushed, but plunged on anyway. “Bradley approached sex the same way he approached everything else. He did it correctly, and then he forgot about it.”

  “Correctly?” Zack almost spilled his beer. “There’s a correct way to have sex? Where am I when these rules get passed out?”

  Lucy shrugged. “All right, efficiently then. I didn’t like it. I mean, he was doing all the right things, but…”

  “He was all the wrong guy,” Zack finished for her, his voice thick with disgust. “You need a keeper. How could you have married this creep?”

  Lucy glared at him. “Oh, let’s talk about some of your ex-girlfriends. I bet there’s a million stories in your Naked City.”

  Zack glared back. “Didn’t you notice the sex was lousy before you got married?” He took a swig of beer to hide his annoyance.

  “We didn’t have sex before we got married. Bradley respected me.”

  Zack choked on his beer.

  “No, he did.” Lucy frowned. “That’s what I can’t figure out. I mean, Bradley wasn’t exciting, but I was sure he respected me. I’d still swear that he loved me. Not passionately, of course, but…well…firmly. He sort of took me for granted, but he always wanted me around. He was very upset when I moved upstairs to the attic after he tried to kidnap Heisenberg.”

  “I bet he was.” Zack stopped, putting himself in Bradley’s place, a Bradley used to having Lucy warm and loving in his bed and then suddenly losing her. “I bet he was upset. Why didn’t he move upstairs, too? I’d have been up those stairs like a shot.”