The Mirror of Kong Ho

by Ernest Bramah

  LETTER II

  Concerning the ill-destined manner of existence of the hound Hercules. The thoughtlessly-expressed desire of the entrancing maiden and its effect upon a person of susceptible refinement. The opportune (as it may yet be described) visit of one Herbert. The behaviour of those around. Reflections.

  VENERATED SIRE (whose large right hand is continuously floating inspirit over the image of this person's dutiful submission),--

  Doubtless to your all-consuming prescience, it will at once become plainthat I have abandoned the place of residence from which I directed myformer badly-written and offensively-constructed letter, the house ofthe sympathetic and resourceful Maidens Blank, where in return for anutterly inadequate sum of money, produced at stated intervals, this verymuch inferior person was allowed to partake of a delicately-balanced andsomewhat unvarying fare in the company of the engaging of both sexes,and afterwards to associate on terms of honourable equality with them inthe chief apartment. The reason and manner of this one's departureare in no degree formidable to his refined manner of conducting anyenterprise, but arose partly from an insufficient grasp of the moreelaborate outlines of a confessedly involved language, and still morefrom a too excessive impetuousness in carrying out what at the time hebelieved to be the ambition of one who had come to exercise a melodiousinfluence over his most internal emotions. Well remarked the Sage, "Apiece of gold may be tried between the teeth; a written promise to paymay be disposed of at a sacrifice to one more credulous; but what shallbe said of the wind, the Hoang Ho, and the way of a woman?"

  To contrive a pitfall for this short-sighted person's immature feet,certain malicious spirits had so willed it that the chief and moreautumnal of the Maidens Blank (who, nevertheless, wore an excessivelyflower-like name), had long lavished herself upon the possession of anobtuse and self-assertive hound, which was in the habit of gratifyingthis inconsiderable person and those who sat around by continuallydepositing upon their unworthy garments details of its outer surface,and when the weather was more than usually cold, by stretching itsgraceful and refined body before the fire in such a way as to ensurethat no one should suffer from a too acute exposure to the heat. Fromthese causes, and because it was by nature a hound which even on thedarkest night could be detected at a more than reasonable distance away,while at all times it did not hesitate to shake itself freely intothe various prepared viands, this person (and doubtless others also)regarded it with an emotion very unfavourable towards its prolongedexistence; but observing from the first that those who permittedthemselves to be deposited upon, and their hands and even their faces tobe hound-tongue-defiled with the most externally cheerful spirit ofword suppression, invariably received the most desirable of the allottedportions of food, he judged it prudent and conducive to a settleddigestion to greet it with favourable terms and actions, and to referfrequently to its well-displayed proportions, and to the agile dexteritywhich it certainly maintained in breathing into the contents of everydish. Thus the matter may be regarded as being positioned for a space oftime.

  One evening I returned at the appointed gong-stroke of dinner, and wasbeginning, according to my custom, to greet the hound with ingratiatingpoliteness, when the one of chief authority held up a reproving hand, atthe same time exclaiming:

  "No, Mr. Kong, you must not encourage Hercules with your amiablecondescension, for just now he is in very bad odour with us all."

  "Undoubtedly," replied this person, somewhat puzzled, nevertheless, thatthe imperfection should thus be referred to openly by one who hithertohad not hesitated to caress the hound with most intimate details,"undoubtedly the surrounding has a highly concentrated acutenessto-night, but the ever-present characteristic of the hound Hercules isby no means new, for whenever he is in the room--"

  At this point it is necessary to explain that the ceremonial etiquetteof these barbarian outcasts is both conflicting and involved. Uponmost of the ordinary occasions of life to obtrude oneself within theconversation of another is a thing not to be done, yet repeatedly whenthis unpretentious person has been relating his experience or inquiringinto the nature and meaning of certain matters which he has witnessed,he has become aware that his words have been obliterated, as it were,and his remarks diverted from their original intention by the sudden andunanticipated desire of those present to express themselves loudly onsome topic of not really engrossing interest. Not infrequently on suchoccasions every one present has spoken at once with concentrated anxietyupon the condition of the weather, the atmosphere of the room, the hourof the day, or some like detail of contemptible inferiority. At othertimes maidens of unquestionable politeness have sounded instruments ofbrass or stringed woods with unceasing vigour, have cast down ornamentsof china, or even stood upon each other's--or this person's--feet withassumed inelegance. When, therefore, in the midst of my agreeable remarkon the asserted no fragrance of the hound Hercules, a gentleman ofhabitual refinement struck me somewhat heavily on the back of the headwith a reclining seat which he was conveying across the room for theacceptance of a lady, and immediately overwhelmed me with apologiesof almost unnecessary profusion, my mind at once leapt to an inspiredconclusion, and smiling acquiescently I bowed several times to eachperson to convey to them an admission of the undoubted fact that to thewise a timely omen before the storm is as effective as a thunderboltafterwards.

  It chanced that there was present the exceptionally prepossessing maidento whom this person has already referred. So varied and ornate were herattractions that it would be incompetent in one of my less than averageability to attempt an adequate portrayal. She had a light-coloured namewith the letters so harmoniously convoluted as to be quite beyond myinferior power of pronunciation, so that if I wished to refer to herin her absence I had to indicate the one I meant by likening her toa full-blown chrysanthemum, a piece of rare jade, an ivory pagoda ofunapproachable antiquity, or some other object of admitted grace. Eventhis description may scarcely convey to you the real extent of herelegant personality; but in her presence my internal organs never failedto vibrate with a most entrancing uncertainty, and even now, at therecollection of her virtuous demeanour, I am by no means settled withinmyself.

  "Well," exclaimed this melodious vision, with sympathetic tact, "ifevery one is going to disown poor Hercules because he has eaten all ourdinners, I shall be quite willing to have him, for he is a dzear oleloveykins, wasn't ums?" (This, O my immaculate and dignified sire, whichI transcribe with faithful undeviation, appears to be the dialect ofa remote province, spoken only by maidens--both young and of autumnalsolitude--under occasional mental stress; as of a native of Shan-sirelapsing without consciousness into his uncouth tongue after passing alifetime in the Capital.) "Don't you think so too, Mr. Kong?"

  "When the sun shines the shadow falls, for truly it is said, 'To thefaithful one even the voice of the corncrake at evening speaks of hisabsent love,'" replied this person, so engagingly disconcerted atbeing thus openly addressed by the maiden that he retained no delicateimpression of what she said, or even of what he was replying, beyondan unassuming hope that the nature of his feelings might perchance beinoffensively revealed to her in the semblance of a discreet allegory.

  "Perhaps," interposed a person of neglected refinement, turning towardsthe maiden, "you would like to have a corncrake also, to remind you ofMr. Kong?"

  "I do not know what a corncrake is like," replied the maiden withcommendable dignity. "I do not think so, however, for I once had a pairof canaries, and I found them very unsatisfying, insipid creatures. ButI should love to have a little dog I am sure, only Miss Blank won't hearof it."

  "Kong Ho," thought this person inwardly, "not in vain have you burntjoss sticks unceasingly, for the enchanting one has said into youreyes that she would love to partake of a little dog. Assuredly we haverecently consumed the cold portion of sheep on more occasions than astrict honourableness could require of those who pay a stated sum atregular intervals, and the change would be a welcome one. As she trulysays, the flavour even
of canaries is trivial and insignificant bycomparison." During the period of dinner--which consisted of eggs andgreen herbs of the field--this person allowed the contemplation to growwithin him, and inspired by a most pleasant and disinterested ambitionto carry out the expressed wishes of the one who had spoken, hedetermined that the matter should be unobtrusively arranged despite themercenary opposition of the Maidens Blank.

  This person had already learned by experience that dogs are rarely ifever exposed for sale in the stalls of the meat venders, the reasondoubtless being that they are articles of excessive luxury and reservedby law for the rich and powerful. Those kept by private persons aregenerally closely guarded when they approach a desirable condition ofbody, and the hound Hercules would not prove an attractive dish to thosewho had known him in life. Nevertheless, it is well said, "The GreatWall is unsurmountable, but there are many gaps through," and thatsame evening I was able to carry the first part of my well-intentionedsurprise into effect.

  The matter now involves one named Herbert, who having exchanged giftsof betrothal with a maiden staying at the house, was in the habit ofpresenting himself openly, when he was permitted to see her, after themanner of these barbarians. (Yet even of them the more discriminatingacknowledge that our customs are immeasurably superior; for when Iexplained to the aged father of the Maidens Blank that among us themarriage rites are irrevocably performed before the bride is seenunveiled by man, he sighed heavily and exclaimed that the parents ofthis country had much to learn.)

  The genial-minded Herbert had already acquired for himself thereputation of being one who ceaselessly removes the gravity of others,both by word and action, and from the first he selected this obscureperson for his charitable purpose to a most flattering extent. Not onlydid he--on the pretext that his memory was rebellious--invariably greetme as "Mr. Hong Kong," but on more than one occasion he insisted, withmirth-provoking reference to certain details of my unbecoming garments,that I must surely have become confused and sent a Mrs. Hong Konginstead of myself, and frequently he undermined the gravity of all mostsuccessfully by pulling me backwards suddenly by the pigtail, with theplea that he imagined he was picking up his riding-whip. This attractiveperson was always accompanied by a formidable dog--of convex limbs,shrunken lip, and suspicious demeanour--which he called Influenza, tothe excessive amusement of those to whom he related its characteristics.For some inexplicable reason from the first it regarded my lower apparelas being unsuitable for the ordinary occasions of life, and in spiteof the low hissing call by which its master endeavoured to attractits attention to himself, it devoted its energies unceasingly to theself-imposed task of removing them fragment by fragment. Nevertheless itwas a dog of favourable size and condition, and it need not therefore bea matter for surprise that when the intellectual person Herbert tookhis departure on the day in question it had to be assumed that it hadalready preceded him. Having accomplished so much, this person foundlittle difficulty in preparing it tastefully in his own apartment, andmaking the substitution on the following day.

  Although his mind was confessedly enlarged at the success of hisventure, and his hopes most ornamentally coloured at the thought of theadorable one's gratified esteem when she discovered how expertly herwishes had been carried out, this person could not fail to notice thatthe Maiden Blank was also materially agitated when she distributed thecontents of the dish before her.

  "Will you, of your enlightened courtesy, accept, and overlook thedeficiencies of, a portion of rabbit-pie, O high-souled Mr. Kong?" sheinquired gracefully when this insignificant person was reached, and,concealing my many-hued emotion beneath an impassive face, I bowedagreeably as I replied, "To the beggar, black bread is a royal course."

  "WHAT pie did you say, dear?" whispered another autumnal maiden, whenall had partaken somewhat, and at her words a most consistently acutesilence involved the table.

  "I--I don't quite know," replied the one of the upper end, becomingexcessively devoid of complexion; and restraining her voice sheforthwith sent down an attending slave to inquire closely.

  At this point a person of degraded ancestry endeavoured to remove theundoubted cloud of depression by feigning the nocturnal cry of thedomestic cat; but in this he was not successful, and a maiden opposite,after fixedly regarding a bone on her plate, withdrew suddenly,embracing herself as she went. A moment later the slave returned,proclaiming aloud that the dish which had been prepared for the occasionhad now been accidentally discovered by the round-bodied cook beneaththe cushions of an arm-chair (a spot by no means satisfactory to thisperson's imagination had the opportunities at his disposal been morediffuse).

  "What, then, is this of which we have freely partaken?" cried theyaround, and, in the really impressive silence which followed, aninopportune person discovered a small silver tablet among the fragmentsupon his plate, and, taking it up, read aloud the single word,"Influenza."

  During the day, and even far into the uncounted gong-strokes of thetime of darkness, this person had frequently remained in a fascinatedcontemplation of the moment when he should reveal himself and stand upto receive the benevolently-expressed congratulations of all who paidan agreed sum at fixed intervals, and, particularly, the dazzling thoughconfessedly unsettling glance-thanks of the celestially-formed maidenwho had explicitly stated that she was desirous of having a littledog. Now, however, when this part of the enterprise ought to have takenplace, I found myself unable to evade the conclusion that some importantdetail of the entire scheme had failed to agree harmoniously with therest, and, had it been possible, I would have retired with unobtrusivetact and permitted another to wear my honourable acquirements. But, forsome reason, as I looked around I perceived that every eye was fixedupon me with what at another time would have been a most engagingunanimity, and, although I bowed with undeterred profusion, andendeavoured to walk out behind an expression of all-comprehensiveurbanity that had never hitherto failed me, a person of unsympatheticoutline placed himself before the door, and two others, standing oneon each side of me, gave me to understand that a recital of the fullhappening was required before I left the room.

  It is hopeless to expect a display of refined intelligence at the handsof a people sunk in barbarism and unacquainted with the requirements oftrue dignity and the essentials of food preparation. On the mannerof behaving of the male portion of those present this person hasno inducement whatever to linger. Even the maiden for whom he hadaccomplished so much, after the nature of the misunderstanding had beenmade plain to her, uttered only a single word of approval, which, onsubsequently consulting a book of interpretations, this person found toindicate: "A person of weak intellect; one without an adequate sense ofthe proportion and fitness of things; a buffoon; a jester; a compound ofgooseberries scalded and crushed with cream"; but although each of thesedefinitions may in a way be regarded as applicable, he is still unableto decide which was the precise one intended.

  With salutations of filial regard, and in a spirit seven times refinedby affliction and purified by vain regrets.

  KONG HO. (Upon whose tablet posterity will perchance inscribe thetitles, "Ill-destined but Misjudged.")