Finding Happiness in Los Angeles

by Oliver Markus Malloy

  "Don't be embarrassed," I said and squeezed her hand. "This whole hall is full of people like you and me. Everyone here is desperately looking for hope, love, salvation, or absolution."

  "I'm so glad I have you in my life now," she said and we kissed again.

  SELLING HAPPINESS

  "One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back."

  Carl Sagan

  "People only hear what they understand."

  Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

  At one of the booths a guy was literally selling tin foil hats. Tin foil hats!! To protect you from the lizard people, so they can't tune into your mind.

  At the next booth some woman claimed to be the messiah for some made-up God. One guy claimed to be able to communicate with angels who heal humans through song.

  I could go on and on.

  There were so many psychics or faith healers or charlatans or snake oil salesmen or capitalists or whatever you want to call them. It blew my mind. It was an industry! An entire fucking industry, selling people lies, fears and false hope!

  Just like the NRA. And the pharmaceutical industry. And church. And mutual funds. And politicians. And pretty much all of America. This is how capitalism works.

  Now before you roll your eyes at me, hear me out.

  Americans like to buy things they don't need, with money they don't have, to impress people they don't like. And then they wonder why they're not happy.

  Why do we do that?

  Capitalism is the love of capital, which is just an old word for money. Remember what I told you about erotica and porn? Both words mean the same thing, even if you don't wanna believe me. Just google it. Capital and money mean the same thing, too.

  So, right there in the name of the system we live in, it tells you that the most important thing is money, or capital. More important than God, otherwise we'd live in something called a theocracy. And nobody wants that.

  And more important than people. More important than being nice to each other. Sharing is caring. More important than being social. Because if the most important thing was to be nice to each other, we'd be living in something called socialism.

  You know, it comes from being social.

  What would Jesus do? Build a wall? Or feed people with bread and wine?

  Jesus and Bernie in 2020!

  "America first" is a big fat lie. What he really means is: "Money first."

  He wants to funnel as much money into his own pocket as possible, without breaking the law. And once you make enough money, you can bribe another capitalist to change the law, so that what you're gonna do next is no longer illegal.

  Now let's look at that last sentence again and replace a few words:

  And once you make enough money, you can lobby a politician to deregulate your industry, so that what you're gonna do next, like polluting drinking water and giving people cancer, is no longer illegal.

  Yeah, that's what they're talking about on the news, when they talk about "lobbying" and "deregulation." They're not even lying when they're talking about what they're doing. You just don't understand what they really mean when they use those words like "lobbying" and "deregulation." It's code.

  Deregulating industry means now the industry can pollute your drinking water and give you cancer, so that they can make more money.

  Deregulating banks means now the banks can fuck you over and there's nothing you can do about it. So go fuck yourself.

  Capitalists who claim to love God above all else are liars. Capitalists tell you right there in their name that what they love more than anything else is money. Not God.

  So every time a capitalist claims he loves your God, he's just doing it to bamboozle you. He's pressing your big red dopamine button. He knows that every time he says the world God, you get a chubby. He's a snake oil salesman. A diabolical master manipulator who knows how to push your buttons, how to give you a kick, so that you will give him what he really wants: your money.

  And he will say anything and do anything to get your money, because money is a capitalist's drug.

  That's why capitalist politicians will screw you any which way they can, to line their own pockets. It's practically their job description: Squeeze money out of people.

  When a capitalist tells you he has your best interests at heart, he's lying. There's only room for one love in his heart: money.

  He even named himself after it. That's how much a capitalist is addicted to money.

  When a capitalist looks at you, he sees a wallet with legs. You are no more to him than a vessel that transports money in his direction.

  If you are empty, if you have no money, you are of no value to him. But if you bring him lots of money, you're important to him. Well, it's not you who's important. It's your money.

  And that's why rich people have very loud voices in capitalism, and the poor have no voice.

  And when you care about making money more than about being nice to people, you're gonna squeeze them until they're dry, to line your own pockets.

  You know when they say "productivity is up" on the news? What they really mean is: Capitalists were able to squeeze more money out of sheep.

  When you have ten workers, and you fire five of them, and tell the remaining five that they have to do all the work now, then these poor sheep will work twice as hard, without even getting a raise. Which means the capitalist just doubled his factory's productivity.

  Rising productivity is not a good thing when you're the sheep. It means you're working harder for the same money, or less. Productivity is up means sheep are enjoying their lives less.

  Like I said... They're not even lying. They're just speaking in code. They use nice words, so what they do doesn't sound evil.

  Capitalism tells us that our value as human beings is based on how much money we have. The more money we have, the more we can consume. That's what it's really about. Consuming.

  After 9/11 people were scared to go shopping. And Dick Cheney said on TV that people should go do their patriotic duty as Americans and consume, or the terrorists will win.

  Seriously, he said that.

  Because that's what America is really about. Buying stuff. Not God. Not people.

  Who cares if another plane might crash on a mall on 9/12 and thousands of people die? That's a risk capitalists are willing to take, as long as the other stores stay open and you buy stuff. That's what the word capitalism means. The most important thing you can do is buy stuff.

  So they tell you to buy stuff. More and more and more stuff.

  Even if you don't need any more stuff, buy more stuff!

  Because capitalism is like a pyramid scheme.

  It must constantly grow, constantly shovel more money to the top, like a sand monster feeding itself sand, or it dies.

  You already have a gun? You know what you need? Another gun!

  You have an iPhone 6? You are nothing! All the cool kids have an iPhone 7! You loser!

  And then you work your ass off. You have a side hussle. You don't get enough sleep. And you make yourself miserable. And you miss out on going out with friends, or meeting someone nice, because you're working overtime so you can afford the new iPhone 7.

  You're lonely and overworked, but you think it's worth it, because once you get the iPhone 7 or the coach purse, you'll finally be one of the cool kids. And you'll finally be happy!

  And then, when you can finally afford to buy the iPhone 7, everyone else goes and buys the iPhone 8 a few weeks later, and the whole cycle starts all over again.

  It's a moving target. You can never reach the end point.

  That's the whole point of capitalism. Always buy more. Never stop consuming.

  They tell you if
you buy the next cool thing it will improve your life and you will finally be happy.

  But it never works. As soon as you have it, you want the next thing. That's why buying stuff doesn't make you as happy as you thought it would. It just gave you a little dopamine kick.

  I think in a couple of hundred years, people will have long abandoned capitalism for a sane society. And they will look back at us one day and think we were all completely nuts to chase after money instead of happiness. Because we were stupid enough to think that money is happiness.

  That's what makes America America. So go do your patriotic duty and go by some more stuff you don't need. Because then you'll finally be happy.

  By the way, that's literally what Germans call trivial American inventions: Things the world didn't need.

  America is really really good at selling you things you don't need. A whole bunch of us love snake oil salesmen like Trump!

  The value of an American citizen is based on how much they can consume. That's is what the definition of capitalism is, if you break it down.

  The richer you are, the more money you can spend on products you don't need, the more valuable you are to society.

  If you have no money your life is worthless. That's why people think if only they had more money, their life would be so much better and more meaningful.

  And you definitely don't want others to know how little money you earn. So you lie about how much you earn, so that people think somehow you're more valuable than you really are as a person.

  The one thing Americans admire most about other people is how much money they have. Whether it's billionaire romance novels or celebrity gossip, we idolize rich people. People are celebrities, simply for being rich! And kids want to be just like their rich heroes!

  That's the big difference between capitalism and socialism. Capitalists value money above all else, and socialists value people above all else.

  A capitalist thinks a guy like Trump is more valuable because he has more money. A bleeding heart socialist thinks Mother Teresa is more valuable because she helped more people.

  That's why Jesus gave away free healthcare and food aid. He was a socialist, just like Bernie Sanders.

  Bernie isn't the only socialist in the senate. He's just the only one who remembers that socialism is not a dirty word.

  But capitalists hate that whole idea of people over money so much, they manipulated sheep to think that the word socialism, which simply means "be nice to each other, sharing is caring, united we stand, divided we fall" is somehow a bad thing.

  So now people in America are afraid to identify themselves as socialists, because it sounds like you're a pinko commie or something. You're the enemy.

  There are so many unhappy or even angry poor white Republicans in Middle America who honestly don't understand why things never seem to go their way.

  They can't figure it out.

  They live in Republican states, where virtually every political office is held by a Republican capitalist, and then they still believe it's the liberals' fault that their state is so shitty and their life sucks.

  Because liberals are dirty socialists! And lizard people! They're behind everything!

  They don't even know how shitty their own state is by comparison, or how much better it could be. How much better life could be for them if we were all just a little bit nicer to each other.

  They've never been outside their own neck of the woods. They have nothing to compare it to.

  Republican states are the Trabis among states. But they have no idea.

  They've never been in liberal states like New York or California. They only know what they hear on Fox News. That liberal states are failing states.

  They don't even know that it's a lie.

  Republican politicians like their voters nice and ignorant. Dumb people are gullible. And gullible people are easier to manipulate.

  Never mind that New York and California and the other liberal states are the powerhouses that make all the money in America.

  How come the liberal states are so rich, and the Republican states are so poor? It's a conspiracy! It's the lizard people!

  The United Nations (aliens!) release statistics each year (fake news!) of the best places to live in the world. (globalists!)

  Guess what?

  America is not #1. On the list of best places for 2017, America barely made it into the top 10.

  You know who has better quality of life? A bunch of socialist countries, like Norway (which is #1) and Germany and Holland and Iceland.

  Poor white Republicans have no idea that their life would be better if they lived in one of those evil socialist countries. Or in a liberal US state.

  A redneck in Alabama honestly doesn't know why someone from New York would rather shoot himself in the face than live in Alabama.

  (Sorry, Alabama. Nothing personal. Just making a point.)

  Because all they hear on Fox News is that socialist states are failed states. And it's all the liberals' fault.

  They want to take my money! That's literally what poor white Republicans think about liberals. They have no money, but they still believe we want their money!

  That's how brainwashed they are.

  Liberals are out to get me! They're everywhere, trying to oppress me! I'm fighting for my survival here! Must stop liberals at all cost! Must vote Republican, even if he grabs my daughter by the pussy, and even if he walks into dressing rooms where naked teenage girls are changing.

  But I think if one of these liberal-loathing Republicans would take the time to try to get to know one of us, they'd see that we're all the same. We're all trying to do our best to make it through the day. We're all trying our best to be good people. Really. We liberals aren't bad people. We want America to do good, too. More than you understand.

  People are so unhappy because capitalism is based on consumption.

  Ads and commercials tell you all day long that something is wrong with you. It breeds discontent. Not all your needs are met. You are not your best self. You could be better. You could look better. You could be skinnier. You could be happier. Think about how much happier you would be if you bought our crap!

  But here's what they don't tell you: A rich person is no happier about his new $5000 shoes than you are about your new $50 shoes. The more expensive things you buy, the more expensive your tastes get. Now nothing is good enough for you anymore. Only the finest, most expensive stuff will do. Anything less won't make you happy.

  It's like being addicted to more and more bags of heroin each day. Once you need to shoot up six bags at a time to get high, two bags just don't cut it anymore.

  And when you finally reach the top, when you have so much money, you don't even know what to do with it, you realize there is nothing good enough anymore. There is nothing left to buy that could make you happy.

  Hmm. Or you could try to buy the presidency, I guess.

  Suicide is a first world problem. A capitalist problem. Starving people in Africa don't commit suicide. They're trying to stay alive. Because they're not caught up in the rat race of constantly trying to buy more shit they don't need, until they finally realize they chased the wrong target their whole lives and then shoot themselves in the head. That only happens in America.

  Money really doesn't buy happiness. Trust me. I've tried it.

  Well, maybe for a brief moment. But the novelty wears off quickly. It's designed to. So that you feel the urge to chase the next high by buying the next cool new gizmo the world didn't need.

  In our materialistic society it's just never enough. This endless rat race is making us sick and miserable. That's why so many Americans are unhappy and try to numb their pain with drugs or some other addiction, like guns or patriotism or sports or sex or shopping. They try to buy their way to happiness. And it's not working.

  People think they will find happiness in the right brand names. The cool brands. Boring, uninteresting people think they will become cool and interesting by cloaking their
lameness in expensive brands, as if the coolness of the brand rubs off on them and makes them cool, too.

  Like savages, who wear body parts of slain animals, because they think the animal's powers will rub off on them.

  The pursuit of happiness is in the constitution. But instead, everything about today's America is designed to make you unhappy.

  Even romance novels! They're so over-the-top romantic, they're designed to make your own life look like loveless shit by comparison. And with such unrealistically high expectations, you'll never find happiness, because high expectations breed discontent.