Certain Requirements

by Elinor Zimmerman

  The next afternoon with Kris, I asked her to play harder than usual. The sensation of the toys pounding against me brought me out of my sad mind and into my skin. I didn’t need another friend, I thought. It didn’t matter if Kris understood me. All that mattered was that feeling, the ache of coming into my own body and feeling only the current moment. The pain of it, yes, but the pleasure too.

  * * *

  Monday morning, bruised and missing John, I reminded myself that I also had other friends. I called Meghan after I was home for the day, while Kris was at work. Meghan and I hadn’t seen each other very much though in the previous month. I realized when I called her that I was becoming wrapped up in my new life, neglecting my friends. Maybe I was at risk for being swallowed up? I was relieved when Meghan agreed to pay me a visit. Not only did I want to see her, I craved her perspective on my situation.

  The following Saturday, Meghan came by. I was feeling shy about my upgraded living situation, but at least Meghan would understand how I could afford it. After she thoroughly admired the place and got the tour, we sat down for coffee and cookies at the dining room table. It was the first time I’d ever seen it used. Meghan caught me up on her work adventures, Bill’s latest health food obsession, and the general events of her life. I showed her some of the road trip pictures John and Ollie had sent me, and to my surprise, started bawling immediately.

  “I know,” she said and rubbed my back. “He’s your person.”

  I wiped my tears on my shirtsleeve. “It’s so stupid. I knew this was coming, but I can’t wrap my head around the fact that they’re actually gone. Up until John said they were moving, I never even considered that he wouldn’t be. I assumed that John would be here no matter what.”

  “That makes sense. He was so committed to Oakland.”

  “But now he’s committed to Ollie. Who I love! But, Meghan, when did this happen?”

  “When did people pair up?”

  “Yes! When he was talking about moving, he kept saying how they’d decided together and how it was the right thing for them, and you know what I thought? ‘When did you become part of a them?’ When did all these priorities in life shift?”

  “You know it happened gradually. You were there.”

  “Why isn’t it happening with me?” I asked.

  “Is that what you want?”

  I shook my head and stifled another sob. “I want to be important enough to somebody that they wouldn’t fucking decide to move away without me. I want to be the person somebody decides things with.”

  “You know the corollary of that is that you’d need to decide things with somebody else,” she said gently. “You’d need to be willing to move or not move depending on somebody else too. Is that really where you’re at right now? If you got offered your dream aerial job, would you really want to decide with somebody else whether or not to take it?”

  “I guess not. I’m wallowing.”

  “Any idea how long the wallowing might last? Should I buckle in?”

  “Just one more thing. John told me not to get swallowed up by my situation with Kris, and I was worried that he had a point, but also kind of pissed off, you know? Like, why do I need to watch out about not being swallowed up when he’s the one moving because of someone else’s job?”

  She raised her eyebrows at me.

  “I know, it’s not the same. I’m wallowing. But Sasha said the same thing, about how I was going to get all wrapped up emotionally and how it was a bad idea for me to do this with Kris. I want to know why people keep putting this on me, like they don’t think I can do this.”

  Meghan sighed. “Because they love you and they’re worried, Phe. You’re doing something that doesn’t make sense to them and that you’ve never done before, at a time when you’re already in a lot of transition. And with Sasha, there’s a huge part of your sexuality that she knows nothing about too. They’re trying to make sense of this with the information that they have, and it doesn’t always add up.”

  “You’re right,” I grumbled. I picked at my nail polish, gold that day. “But do you think I’m going to get swallowed up, Meghan?”

  “I don’t know, Phoenix. This kind of thing gets intense. It challenges you and it doesn’t always stop when you’re not doing it. It can mess with your head, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes our heads need to be messed with. I think the question is if you feel like it’s challenging or changing you in a way you aren’t comfortable with.”

  “That’s the thing, though—I’m having the best time! I’ve never played like this before. I’m never felt so free, not just sexually or financially, but creatively too.” As I said it, I knew it was true, even though I had been upset with Kris when we’d talked about the party. “But I’m also so wrapped up in everything I’m doing, I’m not spending time with my friends as much as I used to. I didn’t feel like I got a proper good-bye with John, you know? And I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

  “Things change, and friendships adjust.” She shrugged. “That’s part of being an adult. You won’t always hang out with your friends every night.”

  “I guess.”

  “Is there an emotional component to things with Kristen?” she asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Is part of your arrangement emotional support? Do you take care of her beyond taking care of the house?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know what she’s feeling most of the time. We’re blank to each other in that way.”

  “So you don’t turn to her either then?”

  “Why would I? We’re there for each other during aftercare, but that’s it.” I said it a little sharply, thinking of her comment that she did not want to date me. Why do I care, I wondered.

  “What about when you two aren’t playing? When you’re both just home?”

  “I never see her.”

  “Do you think you two could be friends?”

  I thought about her saying she wanted that, but also the resentment I felt at the comment. “I don’t know. I don’t think she has much time for that.”

  “That has to be lonely.”

  “I don’t mind. It’s almost like living alone, and besides, I do have people, even if John’s moving.”

  Meghan frowned. “No, Phoenix, I meant lonely for her.”

  Chapter Ten

  Over the next few days, I thought about what Meghan had said. I never saw Kris with her friends, though of course she had some. But who were they? No one came to visit, and every call she got seemed to be about work. The one exception to this was the occasional story she told about her experiences in the BDSM scene. But we hadn’t gone to any play parties together. I was open to the idea of play parties, but it was so new to me that with everything else going on, we decided not to rush into it. As a consequence, I’d yet to see Kris interact with anyone except me.

  I had wondered before I moved in if it would be hard for Kris to share her home, but every day she seemed grateful I was there. Of course, this gratefulness was somewhat complicated by the fact that she generally greeted me by ordering me into the lavender room, to hit me with toys or fuck me or, one night, have me stand naked in front of her while I described all the things I’d done to make the house nice for her.

  * * *

  A couple of days after my chat with Meghan, I got a call I’d been wanting for weeks. A touring band wanted to book aerialists for some local shows, and Sasha and I popped up in their search. For several years, I had picked up performance gigs here and there. Some months, I’d managed as many as two with my busy schedule and scooped up some good money. Other times I’d gone four or five months with nothing but a single cabaret put together by other aerialists, which paid less than I’d doled out in rehearsal space and costumes. I’d hoped to book at least two or three performances a month as a full-time aerialist, but since my career change, I’d been fruitless in that regard. Then, finally, I had two shows lined up in one week, and they were paying more than I made in two weeks tea
ching. They were relatively small shows, at a beautiful old venue in Oakland, in a month. We wouldn’t even need a new act. The manager had seen video of our fabrics act and wanted us to do variations of that, slowly and on repeat, while the band played.

  One of the shows was a Friday night, so I texted Kris right away to reschedule our standing date. She texted back much later with just with word, Okay.

  While I was making dinner that night and eating it alone again, I got an unexpected impulse. I wanted Kris to see my show. Other than those early YouTube videos, she’d never seen me perform. She’d said she wanted to see me perform live. When I was up in the air, I felt my most confident. It was where I was sexiest, strongest, and most powerful. I wanted her to be in the room with that side of me.

  That night when she got home, she tossed me over her shoulder and carried me to our room. There, she ordered me to undress her. She yanked me by the hair and positioned my face between her legs. She doled out instructions that I happily followed, and I got wet pleasing her. I didn’t get rewarded that night though. In my excitement over my gig, I’d completely forgotten to take the laundry out of the dryer. It was all wrinkled and cold. I’d need to redo it.

  Afterward, as we lay there together, I invited her to my show.

  “Maybe.” She shrugged. “We should talk about rescheduling that Friday session. This Saturday? We could go to a play party.”

  “Let me think about it.” I frowned. “Do you want to come to one of the shows? You’d get to see me perform in real life finally. There’s a Friday night and a Saturday night show. I’m sure I could get you tickets.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “I’d really like it if you came to the show.” I twisted the sheet in my fingers.

  She sighed. “Phoenix, you wanted me to come to your friend’s party, and now there’s this. This is the kind of thing I meant when I said I wasn’t a good girlfriend. I don’t know if I can, and I don’t make promises unless I’m sure I can keep them. What time is the show?”

  “Doors open at eight. We go on with the band at nine.”

  “Either day I’m going to be working. Maybe everything will be fine and I’ll be able to leave work early one of those nights and get to Oakland before you go on. Maybe I won’t be dead tired and I won’t mind being in a loud room with music I might not like and crowds of people I almost certainly won’t like. I’m sure you’ll do a great job. But if I’m busy or I’m tired, I won’t be there.”

  I inched away from her in the bed. “You didn’t come to John’s going-away party, and I didn’t make a big deal out of it, even though it sucked to be there by myself. I’m not asking you to be my plus-one to everything. I’m asking this once for you to come to something that’s important to me, and you won’t even try.”

  “Do you want me to lie to you and say I’ll be there no matter what?” She sounded so innocent in her question, which only made me madder.

  “I’d like you to show up even if you don’t feel like.”

  “I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to be there if I’m tired or have other things to do.”

  “You know, this is your company. You’re the boss. If you decide to take one evening off and have fun, no one is going to fire you.”

  “That’s not the point. I don’t want to take the evening off. I have people depending on me and on the success of my company, and that’s more important to me.”

  “More important to you than what?” I said. “Than being at something that’s important to me?”

  “Well, yes. You may not like it, Phoenix, but I’d rather spend my Friday working than going to a show.”

  “So you just don’t want to go, that’s it? You’re not interested in my livelihood and my dreams, basically?”

  She sighed. “Come on, Phe. Don’t make it like this.”

  I threw my hands up. “Like what? Like I’d really value having you in the audience and you won’t show up? Or like you’re not interested in my work?”

  “It’s not even your show. It’s you as decoration for a band.”

  I whipped around and jumped out of bed. I flung on clothes as I stomped around ineffectively on the soft carpet.

  “Is this news to you?” she asked gently. “I told you what my limitations are before we started anything. I thought you understood.”

  “That’s such a fucking cop-out. You can’t just say, ‘These are my limits,’ and act like that gives you a pass. Your limits are shitty, Kris. I’m not asking you for a lot here. I’m asking you to see me perform once, to be there on the first paying gig I’ve gotten since I quit my day job. You said we’d also be friends. Friends show up. At the very least, they try.”

  “Phoenix, come here,” she said and opened her arms. I plopped on the bed beside her and glared. When I wouldn’t give her a hug, Kris reached for my hand. “I admire what you’re doing. It’s part of the reason I decided to do this with you, because I want to support you. I’d like to see you perform, but I’d rather see that when it’s all about you, not some band I don’t listen to. I’ll try to make it if it works out, but I’m not going to pretend I’m going to drop everything else to be there. I want to be clear here. I like our arrangement. I’m having a great time. But I’m not your girlfriend. I’m not going to be there every time you’d like someone there for you. If that’s not okay for you, we don’t have to keep doing this. Is it important for you to have the person you’re sleeping with in the audience when you perform?”

  I sniffled and squeezed her hand. “I don’t know.”

  “We agreed to date other people. Are you seeing anyone else, someone who could be there?”

  I flung myself back in the bed. “No, I haven’t even really tried. I don’t know how to do this. I’ve only ever had girlfriends. I’ve never had…this.”

  “Our situation is pretty unique.” Kris lay down next to me. “It’s okay with me if it isn’t working. I like you and I like this, but I don’t want you to be unhappy. If you need us to change things, we can.”

  “Change things how? Like end it?”

  “If that’s what you want. Your emotional needs don’t just disappear because we’re doing this, and I know it must be hard to find time for somebody else with all this,” Kris said.

  “I don’t know if I even want to, honestly. Besides, I don’t know how to date someone when I’m already sleeping with somebody else. I’ve always been, I don’t know, thoughtlessly monogamous.”

  “Do you want to learn how to be less monogamous?” She ran her fingers through my hair.

  I laughed. “Who’s going to teach me? You don’t even have time for one girlfriend.”

  She shrugged. “I’m not an expert at all, but I have had more than one play partner at the same time before, and most of my partners had other relationships when they were with me. And even in my most monogamous relationship, we had a threesome.”

  “You had a threesome?” I nearly shouted.

  “Yes. A few. Is that so shocking?”

  “No, I guess. But I don’t really know a lot of people who’ve actually done things like that.”

  “I thought that you wrote down you were interested in that?”

  I bit my lip. “I’ve thought about it as a fantasy. I’ve never considered it as a real possibility.” That was an understatement. I fantasized about kinky group sex practically every time I masturbated. And that had been the case since I was a teenager. But I’d never told anyone.

  “Do you want to tell me more about your fantasies?” She pulled me closer to her on the bed. “I’d appreciate it.”

  “What do I get for it?” I answered playfully.

  “What would you like?”

  “Come to my show.”

  She cocked her head. “Okay.”

  “Really?”

  Kris nodded. “But I want the good stuff. I want to hear the fantasies you never tell anyone, the ones you’re not sure if you’d ever want in real life. Tell me what you want. And come with me to the play
party.”

  I glanced at the clock. “Yes.”

  “So?” She raised an eyebrow. “Get on with it.”

  “Tomorrow,” I hopped out of bed grinning. I pointed at the clock. It was nine thirty-eight.

  “You’re killing me.”

  “You love it.” I kissed her forehead. “And tomorrow, I’ll tell you whatever you want.”

  The next night at eight twenty-nine, Kris shoved me against the door to the lavender room and reached up under my skirt. “I want to hear it all,” she said.

  I’d never in my life told anyone what I thought about when I was alone with my hand between my legs. Writing that list and negotiating with Kris in the beginning was the closest I’d ever gotten. “Where do I start?”

  “Do you ever think about more than one woman at a time?”

  I nodded.

  “Tell me.”

  I closed my eyes. “Ever since I can remember, I’ve been thinking of this particular scene. It’s a little different every time, but basically, there’s this hot woman who has kidnapped me, and she chains me up in a big industrial room, like a warehouse, and strips me. I feel like there are other people in the room, watching, but I can’t quite see them. Sometimes, she has strangers come up and touch me and fuck me, but she’s always in charge of it. She tells them what they’re allowed to do, and I’m completely helpless. Sometimes only she is allowed to touch me, and she teases me and won’t let me come, or won’t let me touch her. Sometimes she makes me touch her. She’s trying to get information out of me this whole time, and after hours and hours, I finally give her what she wants. But usually, I come before I can even think about that part.”

  Kris yanked my panties off and told me not to move. She strung the rope through the hooks in the ceiling. “Keep talking. I bet you have more.”

  “That’s it for that fantasy.”