BLONDE

by Cassie Knight Rodriguez

  "I k-know," Austen stammered, focusing fully on trying to stop himself before his small tears evolve into heart-wrenching sobs. Sam rubbed Austen's back comfortingly, waiting to see if Austen had finished speaking. "It just… It still scares me, y’know? I just… I don’t know."

  "I… I get that. And, uh, about liking you back," Sam began, unsure of how to proceed. "I do, I uh... I do."

  "You do?" Austen asked dumbfoundedly, taken aback by the opposite response of what he had prepared himself for.

  "Yeah," Sam nodded. He pulled away from the embrace and looked at Austen awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck. Sam didn't know what else to say.

  "I thought you would've liked Chloe," Austen stated, starting to spill the envious feelings he had bottled up since February when Chloe started becoming friends with not just Darren, but Sam, Austen, Elias, and the rest of them as well.

  "I... I do like her, but, like, as a friend," Sam said, unsure of how to word the sentences he wanted to say. "I don't want to pursue anything romantic with her."

  "Oh," Austen said.

  "Hey, are you two ready to play charades?" John asked, popping out from around the corner.

  "In a moment," Sam answered, shooing him off. John held his hands in the hair in defeat, backing away as he turned around to walk back towards Sierra, Adrianna and Elias. Austen had assumed that Chloe and her friends were there as well since she had been spending so much time with Sam lately. Austen had almost felt left out, but he refused to tell anyone. They'd just get mad at me again, he thought to himself, he wouldn't hear from them anymore again. Everything would slow down my twenty-four again.

  "Are you alright?" Sam asked. Austen nodded, even though he was unsure. He still felt unease with Chloe being so close to Sam. Austen felt envy; he felt hurt and his chest was heavy again.

  "I'm fine," Austen said and walked past Sam. "I just need some fresh air. Clear my head, y’know? Tell John y’all can start charades without me."

  Sam nodded, giving a soft smile before heading towards the other side of the room where the others were.

  Austen had walked out the building and walked down the hallway a little before sitting down on a bench. The warm Houston breeze threw his vibrant-blue bangs out of his face as he stared down at the ground. He was alone and it was silent with the exception of the sound of the wind that spring would bring. He was lost in his thoughts and he wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

  Austen took a few moments to calm himself and collect himself before returning back to the building. Sam came up to him, worried.

  "Are you alright?" Sam asked. "A real answer this time."

  "I am now," Austen answered, uncomfortable with telling Sam the whole truth. He didn't want a repeat of what happened in February. He couldn't deal with another February. "I just needed a moment to myself. I got panicky over nothing, it's no big deal. Like I said, just had to clear my mind."

  "If you say so," Sam shrugged. "Come on, let's go play charades."

  I FALL IN LOVE WITH EVERYTHING THAT WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME

  MAY 2ND

  "I'm still having trouble believing that Sam actually said he liked me back," Austen said to Elias as they walked side by side out of their shared morning class. It was now around noon, signaling that the two boys had a couple of hours to relax and eat lunch before their shared afternoon class, Economics, at 2:30 P.M.

  The events of the media event were still running fresh through Austen's mind. He was in slight denial about it, sure that it was just a dream of his, that his mind was tricking him with a daydream rather than the reality. Elias had to consistently remind Austen that it was indeed Sam who reciprocated, not a figment of his imagination. Although it was annoying, Elias would do just about anything to make sure his best friend was okay, even if it meant he had to constantly deal with Austen's annoying antics.

  "For the thousandth time this morning, Austen, Sam doesn't like Chloe, he likes you," Elias groaned as they headed towards the Starbucks that was across the street from campus. "Chloe's just a good friend of Sam's, that's all."

  "Yeah, that's what you said about Adrianna and look at where you two are at now," Austen mumbled, instantly feeling guilty about what he had just said. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

  "It's fine," Elias said, not wanting to make a big deal out of nothing. "If anything, I feel bad for dating her straight after you two broke up."

  "Don't start, Elias," Austen laughed softly. "It wasn't straight after, it was two months later."

  "Still," Elias shrugged and opened the door for Austen. "Hey, I'll cover today."

  "No way," Austen said quickly. "You paid yesterday!"

  "Do you even have your wallet on you?" Elias asked, raising his eyebrow. Austen paused for a moment, patting his pockets. He cursed under his breath. Elias noticed and chuckled.

  "Fuck you," Austen said. Elias rolled his eyes. "I'll take a green tea frap, y'know, the usual."

  "Are you sure you don't order that just because it matches your hair?" Elias laughed. The two boys were next in line.

  "I ordered that when I didn't have blue hair!" Austen whined. Elias laughed again. The two boys were now next and they headed up to the counter.

  "Hey, Sarah!" Elias said cheerily. Austen stood behind him awkwardly as he ordered their drinks, sandwiches and pastries.

  "See you later, Elias and co," Sarah waved as Elias paid and left a tip for her. The two boys then walked over towards the other end of the cafe and sat at a table. Austen looked out the window while Elias waited for their food.

  Austen studied the way the leaves on the trees were starting to return to their lush green color and how the nice spring breeze ruffled the branches ever so slightly, letting the atmosphere truly look alive. It felt alive. The simple aesthetics brought joy to him, but he still felt as if something was off. Maybe it was about Sam. Maybe it was about Chloe, or maybe it was about Adrianna and Elias. Austen wasn't sure, so he decided to shrug it off. If he couldn't figure out what it was, it was probably nothing.

  "Eat up," Elias said as he dropped Austen's drink and sandwich in front of him. Austen grinned.

  "Dude, I'm starving," Austen shouted. "Thank you, Jesus, hallelujah!"

  "Name's Elias, dude," Elias chuckled before diving into his sandwich. The two ate in a comfortable silence, as Elias was busy stuffing his face and Austen was lost in his thoughts, staring out the window.

  Austen continued looking around at the cars that drove by, the people that were walking along the streets-

  "Wait, is that Sam?" Austen blurted out, interrupting his thoughts and gazing at the familiar brunette. Elias peered out the window, looking in the same direction as Austen.

  "Yeah, that's Sam," Elias nodded.

  "I thought he had music theory right now?" Austen asked, wondering why Sam wasn't in class. Sam was never the one to skip and he had scolded Austen a multitude of times back in high school when Austen continually skipped French. "It doesn't matter if you have a B already," Sam had said. "Go get an A."

  "He used to," Elias answered. "He dropped it at the beginning of the semester."

  "Oh," Austen said, taking a sip of his aqua drink. "Do you think he's getting lunch with Chloe again?"

  "Maybe, but he's probably meeting up with Sierra and Adrianna," Elias said as he finished his sandwich. "You guys just confessed mutual feelings, so I mean-"

  "Yeah, exactly, that's the thing," Austen said, cutting Elias off. "We just started dating. Shouldn't we be in the "I'm never leaving your side because I'm totally in love you even though it's been one-week" phase?"

  "Are you guys dating? I don’t recall either one of you asking the other out. Besides, not all relationships follow clichés," Elias shrugged. "Adrianna and I didn't."

  "It's been two years and you two still fuck all the time and then sneak in pizza into the movie theatre," Austen stated.

  "It's nice that Steve works at the movie theatre and that John works at Papa John's," Elias said
. "But that's not the point. Just chill, Aus. When are you gonna make a move, Loverboy?"

  "I already did," Austen said. "I asked him if he wanted to see Doctor Strange this weekend and he said sure. Oh, man, no wonder why he doesn't want to be around me, I'm such a clingy bitch."

  "Dude, chill," Elias chuckled. "You just asked him to see a movie and he agreed. That’s not clingy, that’s shit friends do. Besides, Sam’s a sweetheart, he'll deal."

  "Thanks, that totally makes me feel better," Austen huffed, rolling his eyes. He knew that Elias was right, though. He was being overdramatic and he knew that Sam wasn't the clingy type of person. Austen understood, there were times where he was craving a getaway from the smooth talk, to just escape to his room and be alone. Sam had told him once that even though his days are great, they come with their share of grey and sometimes by nightfall he's left with nothing but a sour taste.

  Sometimes Austen felt as if Sam spoke in such a beautiful way, like he was a walking, living, breathing poetry book. Sam's words were powerful and it left Austen powerless. Austen could listen to Sam talk all day and all night if Sam would let him. The colloquy he had with him, it left him in the softest part of his mind and it left him losing track of time. He'd stay on the phone for hours on end with him, talking about the stupidest of things, and it'd only feel like it was five minutes.

  "You okay?" Elias said, concern lacing his brown eyes. Austen looked up at Elias, breaking away from his thoughts about Sam. Boy, how he did miss Sam, even though he had hung out with him two days ago at the media event. All that ran through the natural blue's head was Sam.

  "Yeah, sorry," Austen said, taking the final bite of his sandwich. "Lost in my though- Hey, where'd Sam go?"

  "Like I said, probably was meeting up with Sierra and Adrianna," Elias said and rolled his eyes as he took the final sips of his chai tea latte. "I know you're in your own head again. Do you need a reality check?"

  "No, I'll just go to Sarah for that," Austen laughed. "You know, for being Sam's sister, she's the complete opposite."

  "Not necessarily, she's just much more blunt than Sam is," Elias said. "With the exception of Sam's weekly outburst."

  "Dude, I wonder how he keeps that shit bottled for so long," Austen said exasperatedly, tossing his hands up for emphasis. "Like, if I got a problem, I'm gonna bitch about it right then and there!"

  "You've also got problems," Elias stated. Austen rolled his eyes.

  "Not everybody knows that," Austen said. "People think it's just how I am. I'm totally a diva, completely egotistical; underneath all this blue exterior I'm a shithead."

  "Have you been taking your pills?" Elias asked. Austen paused, taken aback by the question. He had been prescribed lithium pills back in junior year of high school, shortly after he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. His therapist said he was high functioning, though he believed she was wrong. Austen couldn't go a day without acting dangerously impulsive during his manic episodes, nor could he go a day without wanting to kill himself during his depressive ones. Austen still couldn't bear to remember the day in November five years ago when his ex-boyfriend had driven him to such ends that he tried to kill himself. He still remembered the look on his mother's face when she found him lying in the bathtub, half-awake and covered in blood. He had never felt so guilty in his life.

  "Of course," Austen answered a few moments later, earning a look of suspicion from Elias, who dropped the subject. Austen mentally sighed in relief. Austen hated how the pills made him feel absolutely nothing; he felt numb whenever he took the damn things. Austen wanted to feel, he needed to feel. They took away his creativity and the charisma he held. Austen didn't think there was anything wrong with taking control with his life. He had been stable for the last couple of weeks. He didn't want to kill himself and he wasn't spending all of his (and his parent's and friend's) money and going into debt. He was fine.

  "Alright," Elias mumbled, turning around to throw his empty drink and sandwich wrapper into the trash behind him. "Oh, hey Sam!"

  Austen perked up, his dual-toned eyes meeting the blue-grey eyes that belonged to the brunette he had been head-over-heels for since freshman year of high school.

  "Hey, guys," Sam smiled, waving at the two as the door closed behind him. "I thought I saw a natural blue here."

  "You're never letting me live down that song I wrote, are you?" Austen asked and rolled his eyes. He heard the joke so often it didn't bother him much anymore. It became familiar and it was now just another way to refer to him. A noun.

  "Nope," Elias said. Sam pulled over a chair and sat down at the table. "Aren't you hungry?"

  "Yeah, but I'm going to wait until the line dies down a bit. It's only one-fifteen, so I have time before Economics," Sam answered.

  "Here, have my other sandwich," Austen said, sliding the wrapped spinach and roasted tomato his way. Sam shook his head.

  "No, I'm not taking your food from you," Sam said. "You need to eat."

  "I already ate, numbskull," Austen rolled his eyes. "You need to eat."

  "Whatever," Sam laughed. "Fine, I'll take your sandwich."

  Sam reached over and took the sandwich from Austen, the sleeve of his jacket sliding down. Austen noticed the black tattooed words on Sam's wrist and he wondered if he too had his soulmate's words written there. He knew that Elias had some, but it was hard to decrypt. He hoped Elias wouldn't find out who his soulmate was in a terrible way.

  "You have your soulmate's words on your wrist, too?" Austen asked Sam timidly. He had hoped he wasn't crossing a line.

  "Yeah," Sam nodded. Austen hadn't noticed them before, as Sam always had worn long sleeves or a multitude of bracelets to cover the words. It wasn't that Sam was ashamed of the words, he just simply wanted to avoid the conversation about them, especially since the words were so confusing to him.

  "What do yours say?" Austen asked quietly. "Mine makes me sad. It sounds like that person doesn't want anything to do with me."

  "So keep out of my room because I think I've seen enough of you today," Sam reads, holding out his wrist for both Elias and Austen to see. Austen bites his lip, beginning to think of the scenarios that could take place for that to be said. "What about yours?"

  "Mine says 'my sun still sets without you, like nothing ever happened,' and that sounds terrible," Austen said, frowning. "It's like they want nothing to do with me. Like I didn't matter."

  "You matter to me," Sam said, beginning to wonder if he was Austen's soulmate and vice versa. There was no way he'd ever say that to the natural blue. He loved him, he cared so much about him, how could he even think to say that to him? How could he ever feel mad enough to be the one to hurt him?

  "Do you have any, Elias?" Sam asked, pulling himself out of his thoughts. Elias nodded.

  "They're not that interesting," Elias said and pulled the sleeve up on his long-sleeve My Chemical Romance crewneck. "It says 'we have the biggest sparkling eyes.'"

  "That's kind of cute," Austen said. "Does Adrianna have a sentence?"

  "Yeah," Elias answered. "Hers is the same."

  "So she's gotta be your soulmate," Sam stated. Elias shrugged.

  "Probably," he said. Elias didn't think about it much, as he hated the thought of knowing the last words of his soulmate's, especially since he would have no confirmation on who it was until he heard that sentence. He had grown so discomforted by it, he had asked Adrianna specifically to never state those words in that order, especially if they were talking at the same time. Elias loved Adrianna, but he was scared to lose her. He was even more scared that it was still possible that she wasn't his kindred spirit.

  The three boys dropped the subject, noticing Elias's discomfort. Austen had felt bad about asking in the first place about Sam's words. He had begun to think the same thoughts as Sam. Were they soulmates? Were they truly meant to be? Would it even be worth it to find out, especially with how rough the last words they have on their wrists are?

  "I'm sorry for bringing it up," Aus
ten said, pulling each of the three out of their thoughts. "I didn't mean to make everyone sad, I just, I was just curious."

  "You didn't make everyone sad, Aus," Sam said. He put his hand on top of Austen's and began to rub comforting circles with his thumb on the back. Austen gave a short, sad smile, not believing a word Sam had said. "It's not your fault, really, you're okay. Everything's okay, Aus."

  "Okay," Austen said, nodding slowly. He still didn't believe it was fine, but he knew that he needed to keep himself stable. He couldn't let himself slip up, or Elias'd know that he wasn't taking his pills. Sam'd know too. Austen was worried they'd find out because he couldn't go back to being numb again. He wanted to feel; he needed to feel. He couldn't go back to being numb. He couldn't.

  "Come on, it's almost time for Economics," Sam said, lacing his fingers with Austen's. Sam stood up and gestured for Austen to as well. "Let's go for a walk?"

  "Yeah," Austen breathed. He turned to Elias. "We'll meet you there?"

  "Sure," Elias said, shooing the lovebirds off as he stood up as well. "Adrianna just texted me asking to hit her up anyway, so I'll see you at our usual table."

  "See you, Elias," Austen waved with his free hand while Sam dragged the boys out into the chilly spring air. Austen took a deep breath and looked over at Sam and smiled.

  "Ready to go?" Sam asked. Austen nodded, smiling.

  I WANT YOU TO NEED ME LIKE I NEED YOU

  MAY 6TH

  "Today's the day," Austen said to himself as he looked in the mirror for what seemed to be the thousandth time within the last few hours. He was brewing with anxiety and excitement, as his date with Sam was in just twenty minutes. He stared at himself, studying the multicolored striped sweater that he had wore when he wrote his song, Blonde, the black jeans that hugged his skinny legs tightly, and the black Doc Martens that held his feet. He grabbed a pastel necklace with feet on it from his desk and put it around his neck, swinging it around and adjusting it until it was comfortable. He stared at a blue flower crown and pondered if he should wear it or not. He decided against it, believing that he had enough going on with his outfit.