I Am What I Am
Page 24
14. My dogs (from l to r) Captain Jack, Charlie and Harris.
15. Charlie and me practising for Britain’s Got Talent.
16. Taking a dip in my pool with Captain Jack.
17. Finally, a vacation. We’re in Barbados. Smile!
18. So here’s to you, ‘Mrs Barrowman’ …
19. Scott introducing Harris to his brothers at our home in Sully.
20. … quad biking in Egypt.
21. … eating and drinking in Cape Town with Gavin (far left) and his husband Stu Macdonald (far right).
22. … snowboarding at Whistler Blackcomb ski resort.
23. … chartering a private plane to fly through the Canadian Rockies.
24. The result of two vodka tonics while cooking dinner – burned, baby, burned!
25. At home in Sully in air-cast, post-Beckham boot.
26. Say cheese: with Carole, Dad and Scott in the Sully pool.
27. This is my favourite Doctor Who of all time. From l to r: Elisabeth Sladen, Noel Clarke, Camille Coduri, Billie Piper, David Tennant, Freema Agyeman, me, Catherine Tate.
28. Acting’s hungry work. The scene involved chips and I couldn’t resist.
29. It’s tiring work, too, at 4 a.m.
30. At BBC Radio 2 with David and Catherine.
31. With my fellow judge Denise Van Outen, midway through our search to find the perfect Nancy on I’d Do Anything.
32. Me with the final six possible Nancys. Directly after this picture was taken, Scott called with the terrible news about Lewis.
33. She’s a winner: hugging Jodie Prenger backstage.
34. In 2008, I researched the science of homosexuality in the documentary The Making of Me. Here I am in one of the laboratories.
35. Safe Sex Man: this was taken during my book tour for Anything Goes.
36. Tonight’s the night: with my dancers on the set of my very own prime-time Saturdaynight entertainment programme.
37. Does this jacket make my ass look big? Filming my CBBC show Animals at Work, which was broadcast in June 2009.
38. It’s show time: my Music Music Music tour in 2009 was my best yet.
39. Performing ‘Livin’ La Vida Loca’, which always went down a storm.
40. I was thrilled to include a Scottish-themed musical-theatre medley as part of the show. Note James, hmm, in his kilt.
41. My mum and dad joined me on stage for ‘Knock Three Times’, which was an absolute riot.
42. High jinks in Brighton: the band and crew premiered their ‘Rhinestone Gayboy’ video to me. I adored it.
43. Meeting fans on tour before a concert.
44. My dancers trying to do ‘moody’ as well as I do on the poster. I win!
45. Sunbathing with the dancers in Plymouth.
46. My tour family. From l to r: James Gambold (back row); Gavin Barker, Matt Brind, Jamie Talbot, Daniel Ellis, Richard John, Jon Cooper, me, Mum, Dad, Jennie Griffin, James Pusey, Daniel Boys (middle row); Jamie Karitzis, James Robinson, Kate Kelly (front row).
47. In the Royal Albert Hall before one of the most exciting concerts of my life, with Mum, Dad and my best friend and mentor Beverly Holt.
48. On stage, doing what I love.
49. After receiving a standing ovation at the Albert Hall, I was overcome with emotion.
50. In July 2009, I drove a rally car on Fifth Gear. I felt like Speed Racer until I flipped it.
51. On the Torchwood set with my make-up artist Claire Pritchard-Jones, who’s just given me that lovely set of gnashers for an episode in the second season.
52. With Naoko (aka Coco), having dinner after the Hub convention in 2008.
53. Don’t squeeze so hard!
54. A quiet moment between friends on the set of Torchwood, ‘Children of Earth’.
55. In a warehouse filming ‘Children of Earth’.
56. Eve, Gareth and me preparing to reveal Ianto’s death.
57. Stealing a quiet moment in Jack’s office.
58. It’s bloody cold here! Filming the final scene of ‘Children of Earth’.
59. Same night, same problem.
60. Laughter makes Eve and me warmer.
61. On the set of ‘Children of Earth’, enjoying a banana (part one).
62. Taking a moment between takes.
63. Enjoying a banana (part two).
64. Getting prepped for Jack to be buried alive, with Phil Shellard’s help – and yes, I am naked.
65. Reviewing my lines before an emotional scene with Jack’s daughter.
66. Chatting with director Euros Lyn between scenes.
67. Life has a funny way of joining up the dots: from standing outside a US ammunition store with Carole and Andrew, aged four … to getting some gun practice on the set of Doctor Who series one.
68. Thanks to some Torchwood-style driving, all but my car survived this accident in Bridgend.
69. Torchwood is not only important in my life, but also in my family’s. Here I am with Carole on set.
70. Clare, Gareth and me at Comic-Con. The rickshaw race was the same night.
71. This is the dinner that led to the rickshaw race in San Diego.
72. Scott and Clare feeling the pressure of Comic-Con.
73. At the 2008 Hub convention, I learned not to sit on coffee tables.
74. Whatever the future holds, ‘I am what I am’.
FOOTNOTES
CHAPTER ONE
1 My sister, Carole, had to have a lie-down the first time she ‘encountered’ my Dalek – and she knew it was there.
2 Yes, I do have a ‘relax’ mode.
3 Mum! Carole hit me.
4 Not meant to be in order of importance.
5 On a clear day, I can see the white-peaked tents of the Minehead Butlins. Wave!
6 Thanks, Vageena!
7 An exterior hallway decked out with tile instead of only Glasgow marble (aka concrete).
8 I can rant about those as much as the next guy, but I’ll restrain myself.
9 Salmon, corn on the cob and baked potatoes, all done on my Battlestar Galactica-sized BBQ grill.
CHAPTER TWO
1 I’m kidding, Mum!
2 Okay, so that was Victor Hugo’s lesson via Les Mis.
3 No grans were ever in any real danger in this incident.
4 Serves him right that the entire incident still gives him nightmares.
5 Check out YouTube for the proof.
6 Oh vanity, thy name is John.
7 If you don’t get the reference, then rent the film and watch it with your favourite kids.
8 She said the doll looked like it was seriously ill when he was finished.
9 Sounds like a Monty Python skit: ‘Fool the Luftwaffe and win the comfy cushion.’
10 And whisky.
11 Oh, it was a requirement. No options, no gimmies, no mulligans.
12 Shameless plug: if the Scottish slang is throwing you, pick up my first book, Anything Goes, for clarification.
13 Yvonne and Bridgett’s name for me.
14 Sounds like some really bad Tolkien ritual.
15 Scottish potatoes – watered with Irn-Bru.
16 For some reason, my dad and his brothers called their mother by her first name.
17 If you’ve ever stood at a Glasgow bus stop on a Saturday night, you’ve met him.
18 Usually about bums or farting.
19 My Uncle Charlie died in 2001 and, sadly, no one’s seen Wee Jimmy since.
20 I didn’t say there wouldn’t be any political rants at all.
21 Kidding.
22 If you really squinted your eyes and used your imagination.
23 It was a deeply spiritual evening.
24 Happens all the time in Labour and Delivery, I’m told.
25 My dad was only seven when war was declared.
26 I know … that should have been a clue.
27 His bunion.
28 Andrew thought a brothel was a soup kitchen where tasty broths were served.
TABLE TA
LK #1
1 I lied, as you’ll discover.
2 An important detail for later.
3 Snore.
4 I loved this eighties version of Brideshead Revisited.
5 She should use them when she’s marking students’ papers, don’t you think?
6 Huge, drooling sigh.
7 I was being helpful; it’s not about being in control.
8 Afterwards, I decided she was probably younger than Carole, who, I must add swiftly under pain of death, is absolutely nowhere near ‘auld woman’ status.
9 There’s something to the cliché ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ after all.
10 Of course I did the sound effects.
CHAPTER THREE
1 Scott loves to play ‘Doctor’.
2 Technical term for a small electronic explosive, not to be confused with a squid – which is neither small nor explosive.
3 Thanks, Danny!
4 Bet you were hoping for something naughty?
5 Okay, so maybe only three or four. It just seemed like a lot.
6 Which you can see played out on YouTube.
7 Think about it in Scottish as you say it phonetically.
8 Their ‘clinging’ was well within the health-and-safety definition of ‘clinging’. Trust me.
9 Russell usually read the stage directions, and he did so with great gusto.
10 Behave. Nothing kinky about this – well, in this context at least.
11 I’m so not going there!
12 Everyone had a nickname – or two – on Torchwood.
13 Says Molly Ivins, political columnist in the US.
14 Scott appeared to be choking on my word choice so I’ve added ‘professional’.
15 Carole is convinced that some day I’ll be scheduling my shites.
CHAPTER FOUR
1 How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?, Any Dream Will Do and I’d Do Anything, if you need to know.
2 It’s easier to find stuff in my notebook.
3 Andrew Lloyd Webber, to be precise.
4 But I’d never yell at John Barryman. I love him!
5 It’s the BBC. No one gets rowdy and everyone drinks bitter lemon and Schweppes tonic water.
6 In the interests of complete disclosure, although the food was tasty, it would never have passed the standards of a real American BBQ.
7 He performed in a number of West End musicals, including Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
8 Van Outen, who joined me on the panel for Any Dream Will Do and I’d Do Anything.
9 I can only explain this to those of you over eighteen.
10 I like it in a man, too.
11 I mean this in the US sense of the word, of course.
12 No, I was not born that way!
13 My family still wants to know how to get me to do this.
14 Term I learned from another Mel, Mel Brooks, when I worked with him on The Producers.
15 Fashion tips are free with the purchase of this book.
16 Hot! Hot! Hot!
TABLE TALK #2
1 It’s probably a good thing we hadn’t watched Scarface or The Shining.
2 Turnabout’s fair play, I figure.
3 Insert another evil laugh here.
4 Thank goodness my dad had done his poo chore for the day.
5 Scot is.
6 For a quiet night.
CHAPTER FIVE
1 A Scottish cuddle, not to be confused with a ‘Glasgow kiss’. Ouch.
2 And no, before you ask, I wasn’t cleaning the garage.
3 For those who don’t know, Scott is a fully qualified, creative and very experienced architect – and not just an extreme DIY enthusiast (though there’s a bit of that in him, too).
4 And I do mean years.
5 In 2009, the blue tarp bathroom, like the Berlin Wall, finally came down.
6 Probably a bathroom needing a tarp changed.
7 My mum calls this ‘yammin’. I have no clue as to the origins of this Scottish term.
8 They were not human.
9 You decide which one is which.
10 Both of us!
11 Scott has another name for the cat (and for me) when he recalls this story, so we shall speak no more of it.
12 You may have seen the Tim Curry/Michael Palin version on TV or read the book?
13 Let me clarify for readers under, say, sixty-five. Back in the day, this is what women used to get when they waxed their floors – and you thought a Brazilian hurt.
14 Actually, after a fit of laughing, Carole said both.
TABLE TALK #3
1 You’d be surprised how easy it is to get lost.
2 If Scott’s not around …
3 In truth, there are always cables everywhere.
4 Really not as much fun as it sounds.
5 Notice I’ve said ‘professional’ ’cause I know myself too well.
6 A place where no woman has gone before.
7 Children, cover your eyes.
CHAPTER SIX
1 Puhleeze. In any other context, with my eyes closed.
2 I said ‘went to school on him’. Clean out your ears.
3 Well, new ones anyway.
4 There are still one or two.
5 Young people back in the day really knew how to hurt a kid, didn’t they?
6 If you need this spoiler explained, put the film on your movie rental list and discover the pleasure for yourself.
7 Heard that one, two or twenty times in my career …
8 Really. That’s what we called it. I had a pink ring, a green ring, a red ring …
9 And a few men.
10 Just call me Henry Higgins.
11 I admire him in others, too, of course.
12 Go, Binny Bots!
13 I know. Hard to imagine.
14 Read Anything Goes if you want to know more.
15 The final was in two parts.
TABLE TALK #4
1 Made perfect sense to him … to me, too.
2 Carole and Scott had to arm-wrestle for the last pair.
3 I signed across Jack’s back.
4 Try teaching that to your cat.
5 Seriously. As if a warning sign was all you bloody needed to protect yourself from wandering lions.
6 I wouldn’t have been surprised to find actual bees in it.
7 Trust me. I’ve seen a lot in my day.
8 Yes, only two.
9 I’m rubbish with details like this.
10 Did I mention I was a proper celebrity?
11 Sounds like a nightclub I went to once.
12 Which I couldn’t make myself eat.
13 And good chocolate, if you’re lucky.
14 Who could blame them?
15 Aw, shit. That’s an emu. See? I know nothing.
CHAPTER SEVEN
1 This became a ritual. During rehearsals for TTN, I’d always introduce Chaka Khan as a guest. She never was.
2 In the interest of full disclosure, I grabbed all of them.
3 Not just my habit – a family, and a Glasgow, tradition.
4 More than once.
5 Which Scott attests to.
6 Not easy to do when their morality is so rigid.
7 Nothing worth writing about.
8 Even his famous fish sticks didn’t help.
TABLE TALK #5
1 Because she’d never expect such silliness from me.
2 Carole took a picture – see the illustrated section.
3 Scott may even have kicked me a little with his foot.
4 At least this time, I told him which ones.
5 And even when we don’t.
6 Feet rubbing is usually Scott’s job.
CHAPTER EIGHT
1 I used to pretend to be her in the playground at primary school.
2 Relax. No ‘life is a box of chocolates’ here.
3 Yeah, like you’ve never done it.
4 Careful.
5 The dog was created from the likeness
of a stray that Gav and Stu, his husband, befriended while on a holiday.
6 Because this gay man gives so many ‘beer mats’ as gifts.
7 Oh, my.
8 You can.
9 Insane … I know.
10 Um, forty-something and still very youthful …
11 Mo – as we called her.
12 Mel, stop shouting at me!
13 Remember Mel? I made her buy high heels.
14 Well, a TV version: Mum, Dad, Scott, Carole and me.
15 Long time since those words have been in a sentence together.
16 And without dropping her, of course.
17 I did and they performed a short piece for me.
18 It serves the best soups.
19 Or VTs, as they’re known in the biz.
20 It’s all me behind the curtains.
21 Am not! I don’t meddle.
22 A ‘greet’ means ‘a good cry’. As in, ‘Ach, son, have a wee greet. You’ll feel better.’
23 And quite a few women.
24 Ouch – they’d been taped on.
25 Minus the gun sound effects, though.
26 Imagine that!
27 A football! Honestly, people.
28 I was the host – three notches.
29 I worked hard to get where I am. Of course I watch my own shows.
CHAPTER NINE
1 Keith Richards, eat your heart out.
2 Eeew! Don’t go there. They’re my parents!
3 I’ll stop that now, now, now.
4 Like most days.
5 Stop it. On stage.
6 It is.
7 Bob Firth is my uncle, not yours. His wife, Ruby, from Sandyhills, has been my mum’s friend since childhood.
8 I’m serious. It’s a traditional Scottish reel; I’m especially good at it.