Rules

by Doe, Anna B.

  Ever since the Halloween party, she’s done her best to stay out of my way. Dealing with the situation by avoiding it altogether. And avoiding me in the process.

  Brook’s indifference drives me crazy, and I’m not even sure why. It’s not like it’s different from her usual MO. I used to brush it off, but lately her nonchalance irritates me beyond belief.

  Jumping to my feet, I put so much needed distance between us.

  “Max, I—”

  Shaking my head, I run my fingers through my hair, frustrated. “No, you are right. I did hurt you, and for that I’m sorry. I can’t say it enough, Brook, but know it’s true. I was drunk that night…”

  “Max.” She sits up straight, hoping to interrupt me, but I don’t let her.

  “It’s a shitty excuse, but it’s the only one I have. I was drunk; my emotions were all over the place and I did a really shitty thing I’ll regret for the rest of my life. And I’m not saying that so you feel obligated to forgive me.”

  Silence falls over us, both at a loss for the right words to say. Maybe there aren’t any?

  I can see her delicate throat bobble as she swallows, wetting her lips. Her hands wrap around her shivering body in hopes to warm up, but there is no possibility of that happening while she’s like this.

  Blue fingers are rubbing against her upper arms. Her legs are bent and pulled all the way to her chest, goosebumps covering all that exposed, creamy skin.

  My mouth goes dry.

  Why is she even wearing something like that? It’s the middle of the winter, for fuck’s sake!

  “Let’s get you inside before you freeze to death.” I offer her my hand, but she refuses, getting up on her own.

  Her rejection stings, but it’s not like I can blame her, not really. The girl was assaulted not even half an hour ago.

  Keeping a healthy distance between us, we walk up the steps. The front porch is lit, and it takes me a moment to find my keys and open the door.

  The ground floor is covered in darkness. Not that I expected anything different since it’s close to two-thirty in the morning. Closing the door behind me, I make sure it’s locked before I turn on the light to the staircase so that Brook doesn’t fall on the way up.

  I motion for her to keep quiet so that we don’t wake the whole house. The last thing I want, and I’m sure she would agree, is to have to explain what happened and why Brook is here.

  The upstairs is much the same. Quiet and dark. When we reach the top, I tilt my head in the direction of my bedroom and wait for her to go first. Once she’s safely inside, I turn off the hall light and follow behind.

  Closing the door behind me, I face her. Brook has already turned on the light inside, and the bright glow lets me see all the small details I hasn’t seen before. My throat closes up as I observe her. Pale cheeks covered in smudged make-up and tears. Her hair is a mess, her whole body trembling.

  “W-we need to warm you up.” I force the words out as calmly as possible. Going to my closet, I start digging around until I find the thickest pair of sweats and hoodie I own, along with some underwear and socks.

  “I think this should do.” I can still feel their hands on my body. Her words ring in my head, making me swallow hard. “Do you want to take a shower?”

  Green eyes snap up, wide like a deer caught in headlights. The relief and gratitude shining in those bright irises is so overwhelming, my chest squeezes painfully.

  My hand itches to cup her cheek, but I force myself to hold back.

  What the hell is happening to me?

  She doesn’t want you to touch her, dude. I think she was pretty clear about that.

  “T-that would be great. Thank you.”

  Nodding in understanding, more for my sake than hers, I turn around and lead her to the bathroom.

  * * *

  BROOK

  I tilt my head back, letting the hot water pour over me. I’ve already scrubbed my whole body—twice—but it didn’t change anything. I could still feel their hands all over me.

  Standing in the shower, safe from them, yet exposed, only makes things worse. I am vulnerable, a feeling I know all too well. A feeling I hate from the bottom of my heart, but apparently can’t escape because it always comes back to haunt me. However, not showering wasn’t an option. Not when their sweaty hands had been on my skin. Not when I could feel their alcohol-tainted breath brush against my flesh.

  Your skin is so soft, baby doll. Soft and pink.

  Even though the room is filled with steam and the water falling over me is burning my skin, I shiver. Memories I’ve been trying to push back—memories of the past mixing with the new ones forced upon me—still try to break free. But I couldn’t let that happen. If the dam breaks, I’ll overflow. Overflow with memories and feelings that don’t belong in the present.

  I’m not sure how long I stand there with my hands wrapped around my naked body. Long enough that the water runs cold, forcing me to turn off the shower and get out.

  Grabbing the fluffy dark gray towel Max left for me along with a change of clothes, I wrap it tightly around my body, enjoying the soft warmth.

  “You’re safe here,” I whisper those words over and over again, but they can’t stop my still rapidly beating heart.

  Doing my best to avoid the mirror—God only knows what the reflection will show me if I do—I put on the borrowed clothes, stashing my own into my already full backpack.

  I wish I could burn them, but washing will have to suffice. Joe won’t be happy if I tell him something “accidentally” happened to my uniform, and the dickhead he is, he will probably ask me to pay for the new set. A luxury I didn’t have.

  Looking around just to make sure I got all my stuff, I finally force myself to get out, only to stop short when I see a person sitting on the floor, leaning against the opposite wall.

  When the door swings open, his eyes slowly lift, taking me in. He looks drained. For the first time, I notice dark bags underneath his eyes, and his hair is still messy from all the times he’s pulled on it in frustration.

  “Max.” I stop in my tracks, startled. “Why are you still up?”

  I was planning to go back to his room and ask him for a pillow and blanket before crashing on the couch or something, but he was here. Sitting on the floor waiting for me. Something warm wraps around my heart, but I push it away, not ready to deal with more emotional baggage than I’m already dealing with.

  While I was in the bathroom, he also took the opportunity to shower and change. A faded black shirt drapes over his body in the most delicious way, and even while seated, I can see that the sweats hang low on his waist. There are still droplets of water clinging to the hair at the nape of his neck.

  “Hey,” he whispers, looking wearily toward Jeanette’s closed door before returning his attention to me. “I just wanted to check in with you. See if you’re…”

  “I’m fine, Max. Just leave it alone, will ya?” I sigh, suddenly feeling tired. Exhausted really. My body is aching from everything it’s been through lately, and all I want is to sleep and not wake up. “I just want to go to sleep and forget this all happened.”

  “How can you be fine?” Max’s voice raises if only slightly, but I can hear the anger hiding beneath it. He jumps to his feet, his body looming over me in the narrow space of the hallway. “After everything that happened, how can you be fine? You should be angry, hurt, scared, something! For fuck’s sake, Brook…”

  “You’ll wake up your sister,” I hiss at him. “I told you to drop it, so stop already.”

  Rubbing my hand over my face, I shake my head.

  Push it back, Brook. Push them all back.

  Moving around him, I make sure to shove him with my shoulder on the way to… I have no idea. Fuming with anger, I open the first door I see, praying it’s not his parents’ room.

  Who does he think he is? Telling me how I should feel. Sniffing around, digging for answers. Forcing to the surface all the things I’m trying so desperately to pus
h back. To forget. Trying to analyze me like I’m some kind of project. I shouldn’t have come here. I should have...

  I turn on the light as soon as I’m inside, breathing a sigh of relief when I realize it’s a spare bedroom. The need to slam the door is strong, but I hold it in since I don’t want to wake half the house just because a certain dumbass got on my nerves, but the door never closes. Instead, it pushes open, Max marching in behind me.

  “I wasn’t done,” he grits through clenched teeth.

  Turning on the balls of my feet to face him, I cross my arms over my chest. “Well, I was. Now either leave me alone, or I’m getting out of here.”

  His hand rubs over his face, fingers dipping into midnight strands and making his hair even messier than it was before.

  “How can you be so calm? So unaffected?”

  “I’m all but calm!” I whisper-scream at him.

  “You don’t seem like it!” he accuses, his own demons swimming in his eyes. “All I can do is think what if? What if I hadn’t been there? What if I hadn’t gotten there on time? What if, because I let them slide, they do what they did to you to somebody else?”

  I shake my head with regret. “You can’t save everybody, Max.”

  You can’t save me.

  “But that’s the point, Brook.” He steps closer, so close our bare feet touch. “I don’t want to save everybody; I just need you to be safe.”

  Max’s hands land on my shoulders as those stormy eyes look into mine. One of his hands brushes up the side of my neck, cupping my cheek. Those big, rugged palms that inflict so much damage when he’s on the ice, those hands that pummeled into my attackers without mercy, hold on to me with unimaginable tenderness. I take one of them in my hand, looking over broken and bruised knuckles.

  “That’s what you don’t get. I’ll never be safe. We live in the twenty-first century, and the world is still a dangerous place for women. And when you come from where I come from? Even more so.” His stare is so intense it makes my whole body shiver. It demands my attention. It demands an answer, so I give him the safest version I can think of. My darkness is my own, and I’m not going to taint anybody with it. Especially not him. Cupping his cheeks, I force him to look at me, force him to understand. “I’ve seen worse. I’ve been through worse, and if I don’t let it go, all the bad will come back, and I’m not sure I’m strong enough to deal with that. So please, don’t do this to me. Don’t make me remember.”

  “Brook…”

  His forehead falls to mine, bringing him closer to me. So close I can feel the smell of his sandalwood shampoo and feel his warm breath touch my skin.

  My eyes fall shut, the sting of unshed tears burning my lids, but I don’t let them fall. When I’m certain they’re at bay, only then do I open them.

  Max is staring at me like he has been probably this whole time. His dark lashes are impossibly long, the kind of lashes girls would kill for. You’d think they’d make him look more feminine, but of course not. Not with that square, dusted-with-stubble jaw and his high cheekbones.

  His tongue darts out, wetting his lower lip before he leans forward.

  “Don’t,” I whisper, pressing my finger against his lips, but we’re so close that the finger is the only barrier between our mouths touching.

  “Why not?”

  “We can’t.”

  “We already did,” he counters stubbornly. “It’s not like one kiss would change anything.”

  I shake my head no. We can’t keep doing this. He doesn’t want me, not really anyway, and I… I don’t want to be someone’s second choice. Especially not to my best friend. And even if that wasn’t the case, we’re simply too different.

  He’s light to my darkness. Blue blood runs through his veins, and there is a bright future with college and probably the NHL waiting for him.

  Me on the other hand? I’m a broody girl from the wrong side of the tracks, too jaded by life to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I’ll be lucky if I get out of here in one patched-up piece.

  “You’re driving me nuts, Taylor.” The low growl that comes from him makes my whole body tingle. His fingers in my hair tighten just slightly. “I know you don’t believe me, but I’m going to show you. That’s a promise.”

  With one final brush of his thumb across my cheekbones, he takes a step back. “I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

  I nod in acknowledgment, although I know the truth.

  I won’t go back there, because I can’t allow myself to need him.

  I can’t allow myself to need anybody.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  MAX

  The door to the guest room shuts behind me, and only then do I allow myself to exhale. I roll my shoulders hoping to relieve some of the tension that seems permanently situated there, but the only thing it does is make me aware of the dull ache in my muscles.

  “What the hell was that about?”

  Dammit, of course she heard.

  Rubbing my throbbing forehead, I give myself time for another deep breath before meeting my sister’s knowing eyes. No matter how hard we tried to stay quiet, we were anything but, so to find Jeanette waiting for me in the darkness of the hallway isn’t really that big of a surprise. I guess I should be happy she’s the only one we woke up because it would be awkward explaining this to my parents.

  “Nothing that needs to concern you,” I say, suddenly feeling tired. “Go to bed, Jeanette.”

  “Nothing that needs to concern me?” she hisses, crossing her arms over her chest as she stares me down. “By the sound of the scream show you just had, I’d say you didn’t come home alone. What the hell is Brook doing here?”

  “It’s better if you don’t know.”

  Jeanette’s eyes grow hard. “I thought we were past keeping secrets.”

  With lips pressed in a tight line, I tilt my head to the side, listening to what’s going on behind the closed door, but there is only quiet.

  Is she asleep already? Can she even sleep?

  I’m not sure I’ll be able to, not when I can still hear her scream, loud and clear. It makes me tremble with rage to the point I know that if any of those asshats were in front of me right now, I’d smash them into the ground, and this time they wouldn’t be so lucky in getting up on their own. If they get up at all.

  Jeanette’s hand grips around my forearm, making me jolt in awareness. Her eyes plead with me to confide in her, to let her in, but I can’t. Brook would never forgive me if I do.

  Disentangling myself from Jeanette, I take a step back. “Well, this isn’t my secret to tell.”

  Like she can feel the darkness looming over me, Jeanette nods, letting me off the hook. For now. “You’re tired. Go to bed and rest.”

  I bend down and press my lips against the crown of her head. “You know I’d tell you if I could.”

  When I finally let go and take a step back, I’m so tired it feels like I’m going to fall down with exhaustion.

  Wishing Jeanette goodnight, I turn around and go to my room, walking straight to my bed and falling face-first to the mattress. My whole body aches, but a little bit of relief goes through my muscles as they begin to relax.

  For a second, I think of taking off my clothes and getting underneath the comforter, but my eyes feel so heavy. So tired.

  I’ll just close them for a second...

  * * *

  I’m not sure what wakes me up. One moment I’m deep asleep, the next my whole body jolts, like I’m free-falling. My eyes fly open as I inhale sharply, sweet air filling my lungs. My heart is thumping in my chest, and I can feel its steady beat ringing in my ears.

  Dream, it’s just a dream.

  Turning on my back, I run my hand through my hair, trying to even my still-heavy breathing. I reach for my phone to see what time it is when movement at the bottom of my bed catches my attention. Sitting up straight, I turn on the light. It blinds me temporarily, but after blinking a few times, I can finally see clearly.

  What
little calm I regained goes down the drain when I see the person standing in my room.

  I jump out of my bed and go to her, but when I see her trembling body, I slow my movements as not to scare her. “Brook, is everything okay?”

  Her hair is a mess from sleeping, her clothes wrinkled. Her whole body is trembling almost violently, but that’s not what has me shaken to my core.

  No. It’s the tears. Big, ugly tears that are streaming down her cheeks are what bring me down to my knees.

  And then she opens her mouth, and her words are as empty as her eyes, which are glued to a spot on the wall.

  “H-he’s in there. When I close my eyes, I can see him.” Her throat bobs as she swallows, and then she blinks, making more tears fall. “I-I c-can’t be a-alone.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  BROOK

  My feet stomp against the ground as I run, my hectic breathing so loud I’m sure they can hear it too, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get it under control. The loud thumping of my heart is mixing with all the noise, making it hard to hear. I look over my shoulder to see if they’re following me, the panic I’m feeling so strong it’s asphyxiating.

  I stumble over my own feet, swearing as I fall to the ground. Pain radiates from my scraped knees, making me hiss under my breath. They laugh somewhere behind me, making my blood turn cold. I need to get out of here. I jump to my feet in a hurry and every so often, I look back to see if they’ve finally caught up with me.

  They will eventually, a little voice whispers in my ear, but I shake my head, refusing to accept it.

  Back on my feet, I start to run again but don’t get far. I crash into somebody, the lump in my throat growing big and closing off my breath. A strangled sound comes out of my mouth as I lift my eyes, my whole body shaking violently.

  No. This can’t be.

  But it is; I know it is. I try to take a step back, but his hands fall on my shoulders, gluing me to my spot and preventing me from moving.