Death

by C. M. Radcliff

  Sweet like honey.

  And yet, I continued to ignore the signs.

  After spending the day together and rekindling our friendship, Tiffany asked me to come over that evening. I tried to get out of it, but she begged, and I felt that need to be wanted tugging deep inside me.

  She told me a few friends were coming over. What she failed to mention was that a few friends meant a full-blown party.

  They were nice and were all acting like we were friends, like we never had any problems. They kept the drinks flowing and got me nice and drunk before they sank their fangs in.

  Reluctantly, I collapsed onto the floor beside Tiffany while everyone else sat down in a circle. The alcohol was running strong throughout my body, blinding me from the threat directly in front of me.

  “Who wants to go first?” Tiffany asked, posing as the ringleader.

  Veronica, one of the stuck up girls that Tiffany was friends with, boldly raised her hand. “I’ll go,” she announced. “Dare.”

  Tiffany’s eyes narrowed and a devilish smile formed on her face. “I dare you to strip down to your underwear.”

  “Seriously?” Veronica muttered under her breath and rolled her eyes. She stood up, slowly peeling off her clothes as some of the guys started to whistle. I quickly looked away, feeling the heat creep up my neck. I wasn’t embarrassed, but more so ashamed. I didn’t deserve to see a girl’s body, not after I had already been tainted.

  “Okay,” she said as she sat back down, and she looked around the circle. I felt her eyes land on me instantly. “Aww, how cute! Look at how red Curtis is getting.”

  My eyes grew wide as I stared a hole straight through the floor in front of me. The group cackled at me and my face grew three more shades of red.

  “Curtis,” Veronica sang. “Truth or dare?”

  I didn’t want to, but the peer pressure was crushing my chest and the alcohol was pushing me out of my comfort zone. The need to be accepted only grew stronger.

  I looked up at Veronica and avoided looking at anything other than her eyes.

  “Truth.”

  One of the guys laughed and nudged his friend beside him. “Figures… fuckin’ pussy.”

  Veronica’s lips curled upwards into a wicked smile. “Are you a virgin?”

  My throat collapsed and I started choking on the breath that I struggled to take. My face instantly turned red and a wave of nausea ran through my body.

  It was the truth I had never wanted to tell.

  My lips started moving before my brain could catch up. “No,” I declared.

  I wanted to lie, I planned on lying, but instead the truth flew out of my mouth without warning.

  “Liar,” Veronica sneered.

  “Who was it?” Tiffany asked at the same time, cocking her head to the side.

  No. No one can know.

  “She’s not from around here,” I lied. “She’s from where I used to go to school.”

  The two guys started to laugh again. “Nah, I call bullshit,” the one with darker hair said.

  “The only person who would touch you would be the fucking trash man,” the other laughed.

  Tiffany started to giggle, and Veronica watched me with narrow, calculated eyes. A small, malicious smile was resting on her lips.

  “Stop, guys,” Tiffany said, amidst her fit of giggles. “Maybe he’s into dudes.”

  I swallowed hard and my head flew back and forth between the group as they all discussed my sexual orientation. This was all a mistake and I should have never agreed to this game.

  I don’t know if they would have given me more shit if I lied or not.

  “I’m not,” I admitted quickly in an effort to shut them up. My effort was futile, as it only fueled them even more.

  “Prove it,” Veronica demanded. “I dare you to kiss me.”

  My stomach instantly dropped. I glanced at Tiffany out of the corner of my eye. I never wanted Veronica. She was poison.

  Everyone in the circle stared at me and waited for me to make a move. No one questioned the fact that my turn was already over.

  I didn’t question it either. I became a sheep and went with it. It felt like the thing to do if I wanted to fit in with them.

  In only her bra and underwear, Veronica crawled across the floor and sat on her knees in front of me. My mouth and throat were bone dry and a ball of dread formed in the pit of my stomach.

  I wasn’t a virgin, but I never kissed a girl.

  The thought alone of having to touch a girl made me want to throw up, but here I sat, with everyone watching me. I had to make a move.

  Veronica beat me to it. Grabbing the back of my neck, she jerked me close to her and roughly pressed her lips against mine. The instant we made contact, it was a complete mess. I tried to kiss her back the same way she kissed me, but I had no idea what I was doing.

  It was all too much at once. The alcohol coursing through my body, the pressure from Tiffany and her friends, and kissing a girl for the first time.

  Veronica pulled back quickly in a huff and wiped away at her mouth frantically. “Jesus fucking Christ,” she scoffed. “What were you trying to do, eat my fucking face?”

  Everyone around us, even Tiffany, broke out into laughter as I swiped the saliva from my lips.

  “That was fucking gross,” Veronica sneered, scooting away. “You kiss your mother with that nasty ass mouth?”

  I froze completely, my body grew rigid and my breathing ceased.

  “Maybe that’s who taught him to kiss,” the dark-haired guy laughed.

  His friend laughed along and shook his head at me. “Fucking trailer trash probably fucks his mom too.”

  They can’t know that. No one was supposed to know that.

  Tiffany scooted away from me and closer to the guys, laughing with them. “I knew you were trash, Curtis, but that’s just fucking nasty.”

  I quickly rose to my feet and swayed slightly. I couldn’t speak, any words were trapped inside. My mind wasn’t processing anything fast enough for me to lie and defend myself.

  I was humiliated.

  They continued to talk shit, making up different scenarios of who or what animal I had any sexual experience with. I needed to get out of there.

  It was all a joke to them. It was like a scene out of the movie Carrie, minus the pig’s blood. I was invited to the party to be their entertainment for the night.

  I was disgusted and disappointed, feeling betrayed and hopeless. I was nothing, a nobody and that would never change.

  Drunk off my ass, I stumbled out of the house to the sound of their laughter and ran across the street, back to my grandma’s. She and Carson were already fast asleep, tucked away in their beds by the time I got there.

  I knew what had to be done. It should have been taken care of long ago, but I had hope back then. Now I had absolutely nothing.

  I didn’t want it to be messy and I didn’t want my grandma to be the one to find me.

  My grandma had a stash of pain pills for her back that she kept in the kitchen. I never did ask her why the kitchen and not in the medicine cabinet. It made it easier for me that night, so I was thankful for her quirky ways.

  I grabbed the entire bottle and snuck back outside and made my way down the street. My house was dark and empty, with not a single soul in sight. I didn’t know where my parents were, and I was too drunk to care.

  My footsteps were loud and heavy as I plodded across the room and into the kitchen. I flipped the light switch up and I was greeted with the same dark room. After flipping it up and down a few times, I walked over to the fridge and pulled open the freezer door.

  The light didn’t turn on when I opened the door and the freezer was barely cold.

  Our power had been shut off.

  It wasn’t the first time and sure as shit wouldn’t be the last, but it didn’t matter. I would be long gone by then.

  Surprisingly, there was a bottle of vodka in the fridge. It was only half full, but there was enough to ge
t the job done.

  I stumbled around in the dark with a bottle of pills jingling in my pocket and a bottle of vodka cemented to my hand. Somehow I ended up in the living room and lazily fell onto the dirty couch riddled with holes from cigarette burns.

  My mind was lost in a haze as I fished the pills from my pocket. Despite the numbness that filled me, I was calm and at peace with what I was about to do.

  There were no second thoughts as I dumped the bottle of pills into my mouth. There were no second thoughts as I washed them down with large gulps of the vodka.

  I sank deeper into the couch as my lips curled upwards in satisfaction. Everything was just right and soon it would all be over.

  There were no second thoughts as I sat there, drinking from the bottle until I drifted into the darkness.

  chapter seventeen

  PAST

  I was pulled from the darkness faster than I had slipped into it. Between the beeping monitors and the sterile smell, it didn’t take long for my mind to realize where I was.

  I was in the hospital… but why? It hurt to think, but I had no memories of how I ended up there.

  My body felt fine, a little sluggish, but I had enough strength to sit up in the bed. The lights in the room were dim, but there was enough light to see my grandma hunched over on a chair sleeping.

  I should have known that she would be here. She was always there, no matter what.

  An overwhelming panic washed over me, and I was suddenly ripping the different monitor wires from my body. I needed to get out of there.

  A nurse came running in and stopped short in the doorway when she saw me sitting up in bed.

  “Curtis, I need you to sit down, okay?” she said carefully as she held her hands out in front of her.

  She slowly took a step toward me without taking her eyes off of me.

  “I need to leave,” I told her, standing up as straight as I could. I felt like I had been hit by a Mack truck.

  “I need you to sit down, just so we can have a quick talk,” she demanded quietly.

  “Oh my god, Curtis!” my grandmother cried out from behind me. “What in the Lord’s name are you doing?”

  I turned back quickly to look at her. “Getting the hell out of here.”

  “No,” she demanded, nodding to the nurse.

  I turned back to the nurse just as I felt a prick in the side of my thigh. “What the fuck?” I questioned, glancing down at my leg and up at her. “What was that?”

  “Something to calm you down. The doctor needs to talk to you when you’re able to.”

  I slowly tried to sit back down but more so fell onto the bed. The nurse helped me to get comfortable and I laid there as she reapplied the different monitors.

  Cooperating was better at that point and even if I did want to get up, my legs felt like jelly and I could barely keep my eyes open. There wasn’t a chance in hell that I would be able to stand up on my two feet alone.

  Time ceased to exist in my mind as I fell in and out of sleep. When I finally woke up, I found the doctor standing by the side of my bed, arms crossed, with a pissed off look on his face.

  “Curtis,” he started, looking down at me. “Do you know why you’re here?”

  I looked back at him and tried to run through any memories in my brain. I still couldn’t remember a single thing.

  My mouth was dry, and my lips were stuck together, so I shook my head no, not trusting my ability to speak.

  “You overdosed on a large amount of narcotics and had alcohol poisoning. We had to pump your stomach for both and administer a few rounds of Narcan to reverse the effects of the pills that you took,” he said with an uneasy look in his eyes and watched my reaction.

  My eyes grew wide as I quickly looked over to my grandma, who watched me with tears in her eyes. She must have found me.

  I quickly looked back to the wall across the room. I had no memories of that happening, but I did have the memories of that night slap me in the face instantly.

  “Curtis, were you trying to end your own life?” the doctor asked quietly, all judgment vacant from his tone.

  I looked up at him and froze. No was the right answer, but it was also a lie. Did I want to die? Yes. Was I trying to kill myself? Also, yes. But did I truly want to die?

  I looked over at my grandma, whose tears soaked her face as she held in her sobs.

  No. I didn’t want to die.

  The doctor nodded his head when I didn’t answer, but he misunderstood my silence.

  “We are required to treat this as a suicide attempt and unfortunately you will have to stay in the hospital a little while longer.”

  My grandma quickly turned her head toward him. “No, he’ll be okay at home with me. Please just let me take him home,” she cried.

  “I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s our hospital’s protocol and we’re required by law.” He gave her a sad smile before looking back at me. My fright was written all over my face.

  This can’t be happening.

  “You will most likely stay here for the rest of the day, so we can make sure you are stable enough to be transferred. Then you’ll be moved upstairs to our psychiatric unit for a seventy-two-hour assessment. After the doctors up there clear you, then you will be able to go home.”

  That kind of shit never worked out for me. I had scars that cut clear through the bones in my body. If they dug deep enough, they’d find enough bodies to keep me in the psych ward forever. Slowly opening my mouth, as I tore the skin on my lips, I tested my voice. “And if I’m not cleared?” I croaked.

  The doctor cocked his head to the side and gave me a perplexed look. He was confused by my response, yet curious at the same time.

  “Well, if you aren’t cleared, then you would be admitted and stay until the doctors feel you are fit to go home,” he said quietly.

  I nodded and accepted my fate, knowing I might not be leaving here in seventy-two-hours.

  The doctor explained things more in-depth to my grandma before leaving the room. Moments passed before I finally had the courage to look at her, eye to eye. She was already staring at me with an indistinguishable look in her eyes.

  “Curtis,” she whispered. “We both know how flawed the system is and how much it’s failed you already. You can’t tell them about anything.”

  “I know,” I whispered back and gave her a small smile.

  I knew I couldn’t talk about the monsters and how deep their claws were rooted in my flesh.

  I knew that if I did, they would never let me leave.

  So, I didn’t.

  And that’s how I ended up in the psych ward for three months.

  chapter eighteen

  PRESENT

  “If you didn’t talk, how did they keep you for three months?” Christine questions with a perplexed look on her face.

  I shrug. “I didn’t question it much,” I admit. “It was a free place to stay with three guaranteed meals a day. It surpassed being at home.”

  Christine cocks her head to the side, chewing on the end of her pen. “But if you didn’t talk, how did they keep you for so long?”

  Her questions are borderline irritating, but that’s what she’s here for.

  “I didn’t talk, therefore they couldn’t make an accurate assumption on my mental status so they couldn’t let me go,” I explain, bored with the topic. “After a few months, countless hours of therapy and handfuls of medications, they had no other option but to release me. I posed no threat to society or myself, as far as they could prove. So legally and ethically, they had no choice.”

  “So, after you were released, did you feel as if any of the therapy or meds helped you then?”

  I bark out a laugh, shaking my head at her. “Is that a real question?”

  Christine responds with a dead, silent stare.

  She was serious.

  “It only made things worse,” I admit, sighing deeply. “Life was a total shit show when I was released.”

  She stares past me, deep
in thought before breaking the silence and looking back at me. “What happened after you got out?”

  “I realized how many times life had slashed my shield and how much it would take for me to lose control.”

  It didn’t take much more.

  chapter nineteen

  PAST

  Life after being in a mental facility was not pleasant. I had missed the first few months of school and everyone knew why.

  I spent my entire junior year being labeled as the whack job or the nutcase. I even got made fun of for trying to commit suicide and being a failure at that. I couldn’t even get that right in life.

  Junior year was hell, but I got through it. I may have eaten my lunches in the bathroom and planned my day around avoiding as many kids as possible, but it worked for me.

  Tiffany and her friends never said a word to me again, but they watched me with their eyes full of judgment and their sinister grins

  There were rumors when I first came back that Tiffany and her group had something to do with it since I was last seen that night at her party.

  The rumors never actually reached me, and no one bothered to ask me about what happened that night. Everyone made their own assumptions, talked their shit and spread their gossip, but I did my best to ignore it.

  My skin wasn’t as thick anymore and my armor was slipping, but I tried to block out the whispering voices. As hard as I tried, they were always there, lingering in the background.

  On our last day before summer break, we had a half day. It was a worthless day where everyone cleaned out their lockers and packed up their shit. No one wanted to be there, and everyone knew it.

  It was like the rules no longer applied to most of the students. They fucked around, were disrespectful and just did whatever the hell they wanted.

  It was a wasted day and I would have been better off if I didn’t show up that day.

  I spent most of the morning at the back of the class with my nose in a history book. My headphones were my saving grace, using Metallica to block out the obnoxious kids in my class.