Forever Amber

by Kathleen Winsor

  "Isn't that enough, madame? I don't often discover as much, let me tell you. The fee is ten shillings."

  Amber took a dozen or more coins from her muff and dropped them onto the table. His broad grin told her that most likely she had overpaid, again. But she did not care. Bruce always left a handful of coins for her to use and when one pile was gone another appeared in its place. Ten shillings as a sum of money meant nothing to her at all.

  I'm going to have a baby and marry Bruce and be rich! she thought exultantly as she rode home.

  That night she asked Bruce what the planet Venus was, though she did not tell him of her visit and did not intend to, until something more definite had come of it. But perhaps he guessed.

  "It's a star called Venus after the Roman goddess of love. It's supposed to control the destinies of those who are born under it. I believe such people are thought to be beautiful and desirable and generally dominated by emotion—if you believe in that kind of nonsense." He was smiling at her, for Amber's face showed her shock at this heretical statement.

  "Don't you believe in it?"

  "No, darling, I don't believe in it."

  "Well—" She put her hands on her hips and gave her curls a toss. "One day you will, I warrant you. Just wait and see."

  But nothing which happened immediately seemed to indicate that any of Mr. Chout's predictions were coming true. And meanwhile her life continued very much as it had been.

  Most of the time Bruce was away from home, either gambling at the Groom Porter's Lodge, where the nobles went to play cards and dice, or overseeing the supplying and loading of his ships. Often, too, she knew that he went to balls or suppers given at Court or the homes of his friends. And though she thought wistfully of how wonderful it would be to go with him he did not ask her and she never mentioned it. For she was still strongly conscious of the great gulf which separated his social position from hers—and yet when she lay waiting for him to come back she was lonely and sad, and jealous too. She was morbidly afraid of Barbara Palmer and other women like her.

  Almsbury often came to call and, if Bruce was not there, took her out somewhere with him.

  One day they went to see a bull-and-bear baiting across the river in Southwark. And Amber leaned out of the coach window to gape at the weatherbeaten heads, some twenty or thirty of them, exposed above London Bridge on poles that stuck up crazily, like toothpicks in a glass. Another time he took her to a fencing-match, and one of the antagonists lost an ear which flopped off into the lap of a woman sitting down in front.

  They went to supper at various fashionable taverns and two or three times he took her to the theatre. She paid no more attention to the play than did the rest of the audience—for she was too much interested, though she pretended not to be, in the havoc she was creating down in the pit. Some of the young men came up to Almsbury in such a manner that he could not avoid presenting them, and two or three made her outrageous proposals beneath his very nose. Almsbury, however, always assumed his dignity at this and let them know she was no whore but a lady of quality and virtue. While Amber, ashamed of her country accent, hoped that they would indeed take her for a Royalist lady who had lived retired with her parents during the Protectorate and had only now come up to Court.

  But the greatest adventure of all was her visit to Whitehall Palace.

  Whitehall lay to the west, around the bend of the river from the City. It was a great sprawling mass of red brick buildings in the old Tudor style, honeycombed with hallways and having dozens of separate apartments opening one into another like some complex maze of huge rabbit-warren. Here lived the royal family and every court attendant or hanger-on who could wheedle official lodgings on the premises. It fronted directly on the river, so close that at high tide the kitchens were often flooded. And through the grounds ran the dirty unpaved narrow little thoroughfare of King Street, flanked on one side by that part of the Palace called the Cockpit and on the other by the wall of the Privy Garden.

  Whitehall was open to all comers. Anyone who had once been presented at Court or who came with one who had could get in, and many total strangers filtered through the carelessly watched gateways. Hence, when Amber and Almsbury arrived in the Stone Gallery they found it so thronged as to be almost impassable.

  The gallery was the central artery of the Court, a corridor almost four hundred feet long and fifteen feet wide, and on the walls were hung some of the splendid paintings which Charles I had collected and which his son was now trying to reassemble—paintings by Raphael, Titian, Guido. Scarlet-velvet drapes covered all doors opening into the royal apartments, and Yeomen of the Guard were posted before each one. The crowd was a motley assortment of satin-gowned ladies, languid sauntering young fops, brisk men-of-business hurrying along with an air of having weighty problems to solve, soldiers in uniform, country squires and their wives. Amber could easily recognize these latter for they all wore clothes hopelessly out of fashion— boots, when no gentleman would be seen off his horse in them; high-crowned hats like a Puritan's, though the new mode was for low ones; and knee-gartered breeches, although wide-bottom ones were now the style. Here and there was even a ruff to be seen. Amber was contemptuous of such provinciality and glad that her own clothes did not betray her origin.

  She was less confident, however, about herself. "Gemini!" she whispered, round-eyed, to Almsbury. "How handsome all the ladies are!"

  "There's not one of 'em," said the Earl, "half so pretty as you."

  She gave him a grateful, sparkling smile and slipped her arm through his. She and Almsbury had become great friends and though he had not asked again to sleep with her he had told her that if she ever needed money or help he would be glad to give it. She thought that he had fallen in love with her.

  And then all at once something happened. A ripple of excitement flowed along the Gallery, turning heads as it passed, catching the Earl and Amber in its wake.

  "Here comes Mrs. Palmer!"

  Amber's head turned with every other. And she saw advancing toward them, with people falling back on either side to make way for her, a magnificent red-haired white-skinned woman, trailing behind her a serving-woman, two pages, and a blackamoor. Haughty and arrogant, she walked with her head held high, seeing no one, though she could not but be well aware of the excitement she was creating. Amber's eyes began to burn with rage and jealousy and her heart set up a suffocating flutter. She was sickeningly afraid that Madame Palmer would see Almsbury—who she knew was acquainted with her—and stop. But she did not. She went past them without a glance.

  "Oh! I hate her!" The words burst out as though driven by some pent-up violence.

  "Sweetheart," said Almsbury, "someday you'll learn it's impossible to hate every woman a gentleman may make love to. It wears out your own guts, and that's all the good it does."

  But Amber neither could nor wished to accept his Lordship's mellow philosophy. "I don't care if it does!" she insisted stubbornly. "I do hate her! And I hope she gets the pox!"

  "No doubt she will."

  After that they went to the Banqueting Hall to watch the King dine in state, which he usually did at one o'clock on Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. The galleries were massed to see him but he did not come and at last they had to go away, disappointed. Amber had been much impressed when she had seen King Charles the day he returned to London; after Bruce she thought him the finest man in England.

  About the first of August Amber became convinced that she was pregnant, partly because she had at least one symptom but mostly because it was forever on her mind. For a couple of weeks past she had waited and counted on her fingers and nothing had happened. Now her breasts began to feel stretched and sore and as though pricked by a thousand pins. She wanted to tell Bruce and yet she was half scared, for she guessed that he would not be pleased.

  He got up early every morning—no matter how late he might have come in the night before—and Amber would put on her dressing-gown and talk to him until he left, after which she went back t
o sleep again. On this day she sat at the edge of the bed, swinging her bare feet and pulling a tortoise-shell comb through the tangled snarls of her hair. Bruce stood near her, wearing only his breeches and shoes, shaving with a long sharp-bladed razor.

  For several minutes Amber watched him and neither of them spoke. Each time she tried to open her mouth her heart gave a leap and her courage failed her. Then all at once she said: "Bruce—what if I should get with child?"

  He gave a slight involuntary start and cut himself, the bright blood showing in a little line on his chin, and then he turned to look at her. "Why do you say that? Do you think you are?"

  "Well—haven't you noticed anything?" She felt strangely embarrassed.

  "Noticed what? Oh—I hadn't thought about it." He scowled and even though it was not at her she felt a sudden frightened loneliness; then he turned back, took up a small bottle and put a drop of liquid styptic on the cut. "Jesus!" he muttered.

  "Oh, Bruce!" She jumped off the bed and ran to him. "Please don't be mad at me!"

  He had started shaving again. "Mad at you? It's my fault. I intended to be careful—but sometimes I forgot."

  Amber looked at him, puzzled. What was he talking about? She'd heard in Marygreen that it was possible to avoid pregnancy by spitting three times into the mouth of a frog or drinking sheep's urine, but Sarah had warned her often enough that such methods were unreliable.

  "Sometimes you forgot what?"

  "Nothing it will do any good to remember now." He wiped his face with a towel, tossed the towel onto the tabletop and then turned to put on the rest of his clothes. "Oh, Lord, Amber —I'm sorry. This is a devil of a mess."

  She was quiet for a moment, but finally she said, "You don't like babies, do you?"

  She asked the question so naively, looked up at him with so sad and wistful an expression that all at once he took her into his arms and held her head against his chest while one hand stroked tenderly over her hair. "Yes, my darling, of course I like them." His mouth was pressed against the top of her head, but his eyes were troubled and a little angry.

  "What are we to do?" she asked him at last.

  Held close in his arms with her body against his she felt warm and safe and happy—the problem had dissolved. For though he had told her he would not marry her and she had believed it at first, now she was almost convinced that he would. Why shouldn't he? They loved each other, they were happy together, and during the past several weeks of living with him she had almost forgotten that he was a lord and she the niece of a yeoman farmer. What might once have seemed impossible to the point of absurdity now seemed to her quite natural and logical.

  He let her go and stood with his arms hanging at his sides while he talked, his green-grey eyes hard and uncompromising, watching her steadily. There was no doubt he meant every word he said.

  "I'm not going to marry you, Amber. I told you that at the first and I've never once said anything to the contrary. I'm sorry this has happened—but you knew it probably would. And remember, it was your idea that you come to London— not mine. I won't just leave you to drift—I'll do everything I can to make it easier for you—everything that won't interfere with my own plans. I'll leave you money enough to take care of yourself and the baby. If you won't go back to Marygreen the best thing is for you to go to one of the women here in London who take care of pregnant women and arrange for their lying-in—some of those places are very comfortable and no one will inquire too closely for your husband. When you're well again you can do as you like. With a few hundred pounds in cash a woman as beautiful as you are should be able to marry a country-squire, at the least—or perhaps a knight, if you're clever enough—"

  Amber stared at him. She was suddenly furious, all the pride and happiness she had felt at the prospect of bearing him a child was drowned now in pain and outraged pride. The sound of his voice enraged her—talking so coolly, as if falling in love with a man and having his baby was a matter to be settled with money and logic, like provisioning a ship! She almost hated him.

  "Oh!" she cried. "So you'll give me money enough to catch a knight—if I'm clever! Well, I don't want to catch a knight! And I don't want your money, either! And as for the matter of that—I don't want your baby! I'm sorry I ever laid eyes on you! I hope you go away and I never see you again! I hate you! —Oh!—" She covered her face with her hands and began to cry.

  Bruce stood watching her for a moment, but at last he put on his hat and started out of the room. Amber looked up. And when he had scarcely reached the bedroom door she ran after him.

  "Where are you going?"

  "Down to the wharf."

  "Will you come back tonight? Please come back! Please don't leave me alone!"

  "Yes—I'll try to get here early. Amber—" His voice was again warm and smooth, caressing, tender. "I know this is hard for you and I'm truly sorry it's happened. But it'll be over sooner than you expect and you'll be none the worse for it. It's really no great tragedy when a woman has a baby—"

  "No great tragedy to a man! You'll go away and forget all about it—but I can't go away! I can't forget it! I'll never be able to forget it— Nothing will ever be the same for me again! Oh, damn men!"

  As the days passed she became convinced beyond all doubt that she actually was pregnant.

  Less than a week after she had told him, she began to retch the moment she lifted her head in the mornings. She was morose and unhappy and cried upon the slightest provocation, or with none at all. He began coming home even later at night and when he did they often quarrelled; she knew that her ill temper was keeping him from her, but she could not seem to control herself. But she knew also that nothing she said or could say would make him change his mind. And when he was away once for an entire day and night and until late the next night, she realized that she must give over her haranguing and tantrums or lose him even before he sailed. She could not bear the thought of that, for she still loved him, and she made a tremendous effort to seem once more gay and charming when they were together.

  But alone she was no more reconciled than she had been and the hours without him seemed endless, while she trailed idly about the house, steeped in pity for herself. This great world of London to which she had come with such brilliant expectations only four months ago now seemed a dismal place and full of woe. She had not the vaguest idea as to what she would do when he was gone and refused to discuss it with him, even pushing the thoughts out of her own mind when they began to creep in. When that day came she felt that the end of the world would also come, and did not care what happened afterward.

  One hot mid-morning in late August Amber was down in the courtyard playing with some puppies that had been born at the inn a month or so before. She knelt on the flag-stones in the mottled shade of a fruit-heavy plum tree, laughing and holding two of the puppies in her arms while the proud mother lay nearby, wagging her tail and keeping a careful eye on her offspring. And then, unexpectedly, she glanced up and saw Bruce leaning on the rail of the gallery outside their bedroom, watching her.

  He had left several hours before and she had not expected him back till evening, at the earliest. Her first reaction was one of delight that he had come home and surprised her and she gave him a wave as she got quickly to her feet, putting the puppies back into their box. But then immediately a slow stealthy fear began to sneak in. It grew ominously, and as she reached the stairs and started to mount them she raised her eyes and met his. She knew it then for sure. He was leaving today.

  "What is it, Bruce?" she asked him, warily, as though she could ward off the answer.

  "The wind's changed. We're sailing in an hour."

  "Sailing! In an hour! But you said last night it wouldn't be for days!"

  "I didn't think it would. But we're ready sooner than I expected and there's nothing to wait for."

  While she stood there, helpless, he turned and went through the door, and then she followed him. There was a small leather-covered nail-studded trunk of his on the table a
lready packed more than half full, while the wardrobe in which he kept his clothes was opened and empty. Now he took some shirts from a carved oak chest, piled them into the trunk, and as he did so he began to talk to her.

  "I haven't much time, so listen to what I say. I'm leaving the coach and horses for your use. The coachman gets six pound a year with his livery and the footman gets three, but don't pay them until next May or they'll likely rub off. I've paid all the bills and the receipts are in the drawer of that table. So are the names and locations of a couple of women who can take care of you—ask them what the charge will be before you move into the house. It shouldn't be more than thirty or forty pound for everything."

  While Amber stood staring at him, horrified at the brusque impersonal tone of his voice, he closed the lid of the trunk and walked swiftly to the door of the other room where he made a signal to someone evidently waiting out in the hall. The next moment he was back, followed by a great ruffian with a patch over one eye, who shouldered the trunk and went out again. All the while Amber had been watching him, desperately trying to think of something she could say or do to stop him. But she felt stunned, paralyzed, and no words came to help her.

  From the pocket of his doublet Bruce now drew a heavy leather wallet, closed by draw-strings and bulging with coins and tossed it onto the table.

  "There's five hundred pound. That should be enough to take care of you and the baby for several years, if necessary, but I'd advise you to put it with a goldsmith. I'd intended to do that for you, but now I haven't time. Shadrac Newbold is perfectly reliable and he'll allow you six percent interest if you put it with him at twenty days call, or three and a half if you want it on demand. He lives at the Crown and Thistle in Cheapside; his name is written on this piece of paper. But don't trust anyone else—above all don't trust a maid if you take one into service, and don't trust any strangers no matter how much you may like them. Now—" He turned and picked up his cloak. "I've got to go."