Forever Amber

by Kathleen Winsor

  She wanted to buy almost everything she saw. She had little sense of discrimination, her acquisitive instincts were strong, and she felt so boundlessly rich that there seemed no reason why she might not have whatever she desired. Finally she stopped before a stall where a plump black-eyed young woman stood surrounded by dozens of bird-cages, painted gold or silver or bright colours; in each one was a brilliant bird, canaries, parrots, cockatoos brought back by the East India Company or some merchant fleet.

  While she was making her selection, unable to decide between a small turquoise-coloured parakeet and a large green squawking bird, she heard a man's voice in back of her remark: "By God, she's tearing fine. Who d'ye think she is?"

  Amber glanced around to see if he was speaking of her, just as the other replied, "I've never seen her at Court. Like as not she's some country heiress. By God, I'll make her acquaintance though I perish for it!" And with that he stepped forward, swept off his hat and bowed to her. "Madame, if you'll permit me, I should like to make you a present of that bird—which is, if I may be permitted the observation—no more gorgeous than yourself."

  Delighted, Amber smiled at him and had just begun to make a curtsy when Mrs. Goodman's voice cut in sharply: "How dare you use a young woman of quality at this rate, sir? Begone, now, before I call a constable and have you clapped up for your impertinence!"

  The fop raised his eyebrows in surprise and hesitated a moment as if undecided whether to challenge the issue, but Mrs. Goodman faced him so stoutly that at last he bowed very ceremoniously to the disappointed Amber and turned to go off with his friend. As they walked away she heard his scornful remark:

  "Just as I thought. A bawd out with her protégée. But apparently she intends to save her for some gouty old duke."

  At that Amber realized she had seemed too eager to make the acquaintance of strangers, and she began to fan herself swiftly. "Heaven! I swear I thought he was a young fellow I'd seen sometime at my aunt's!" She drew her cloak about her and went back to the business of selecting her bird, but now she kept her eyes decorously within the shop.

  She paid for the gilt cage and little turquoise parakeet with a random coin which she fished out of her muff. And once again Mrs. Goodman's quickness came to her rescue, for as she was scooping the change back into her hand, Sally caught hold of her wrist.

  "Hold on, sweetheart. I believe you're lacking a shilling there."

  The girl behind the counter quickly produced one, giggling, saying that she had miscounted. Mrs. Goodman gave her a severe frown and she and Amber left, going downstairs then to get into the coach.

  On the ride back Mrs. Goodman undertook to warn Amber of the dangers a young and pretty woman unaccustomed to town life must encounter in the city. The times were wicked, she said; a woman of virtue had much ado to preserve not only her honesty but even the appearance of it.

  "For in the way of the world, sweetheart," she warned, "a woman loses as much by the appearance of evil as she does by the misdeed itself."

  Amber nodded solemnly, her own guilty conscience writhing inside her, and she wondered miserably if her behaviour had given the strait-laced Mrs. Goodman some clue to her predicament. And then, as the coach stopped, she looked out the opened window and gave a sharp horrified cry at what she saw: Trudging slowly along was a woman, naked to the waist and with her long hair falling over her breasts, moaning and wincing each time a man who walked behind her slashed his whip across her shoulders. Following in her wake and trailing beside her was a considerable crowd—laughing jeering little boys, grown men and women, who mocked and taunted.

  "Oh! Look at that woman! They're beating her!"

  Sally Goodman glanced at her and then away, her face complacently untroubled. "Don't waste your sympathy, my dear. Wretched creature—she must be the mother of a bastard child. It's the common punishment, and no more than the wicked creatures deserve."

  Amber continued to watch with reluctant fascination, turning her head to look as the procession passed. There were streaks of blood laced across the woman's naked shoulders. And then suddenly she turned back again and shut her eyes hard. For a moment she felt so sick that she was sure she would faint, but fear of Mrs. Goodman made her take hold of herself again. But all her gaiety was gone and she was aware as never before that she had committed a terrible crime—a punishable crime.

  Oh, Gemini! she thought in frantic despair. That might be me! That will be me!

  The next morning Amber was up, wearing her dressing-gown and eating a dishful of gooseberry jelly, which was supposed to cure her nausea, when there was a rap at the door and Mrs. Goodman's cheerful voice called her name. Quickly she shoved the dish under the bed and ran to let her in.

  "I was just putting up my hair."

  Mrs. Goodman followed her back to the dressing-table. "Let me help sweetheart. Has your maid gone abroad?"

  Amber felt her fingers working competently, making a thick braid, twisting it into a chignon high on her head, then sticking in gold-headed bodkins to hold the heavy scroll in place. "Why—I had to turn my maid off. She—she got herself with child." It was the only excuse she could think of.

  Mrs. Goodman shook her head, but her mouth was too full of bodkins to cluck her tongue. "It's a wicked age, I vow and swear. But Lord, sweetheart, how'll you shift, without a maid?"

  Amber frowned. "I don't know. But my aunt'll have dozens, when she comes."

  Mrs. Goodman had finished now and Amber began combing out the long thick tresses at the sides of her face, rolling the ends into fat curls that lay on her shoulders.

  "Of course, sweetheart. But until then—Heaven, a lady can't do without a serving-woman."

  "No," agreed Amber. "I know it. But I don't know where to get one—I've never been in London before. And a woman alone must be mighty careful of strangers," she added virtuously.

  "She must, my dear, and that's the truth on it. You're a wise young creature to know it. But perhaps I can help you. A dear friend of mine has just removed to her country-estate and left some of her serving-maids here. There's one of 'em I have in mind in particular—a neat modest accomplished young creature she is, and if she's not already found a new place I can get her for you."

  Amber agreed and the girl arrived in less than an hour, a plain-faced plump little thing in neat dark-blue skirt, tucked-up fresh white apron and long-sleeved white blouse with a linen cap that covered her hair and tied in a knot beneath her round chin. She curtsied to Amber, her eyes lowered modestly, and she spoke in a soft voice that suggested she would never try to bully whoever took her into service. Her name was Honour Mills and Amber hired her promptly at two pounds a year, with her room and board and clothing.

  It made her feel very fashionable and elegant, having a maid to brush her hair and lay out her clothes, run small errands and walk behind her when she went out of doors. And she was grateful, too, for the girl's company. Honour was quiet and well-behaved, always neat in her appearance, always good-tempered, and a most satisfactory audience for her mistress whom she seemed to admire greatly.

  But nevertheless Amber remembered Lord Carlton's advice, kept her money well-hidden and did not confide her private affairs to her. She had not, however, taken the five hundred pounds to Shadrac Newbold, as he had suggested, for she had never heard of a goldsmith before and was distrustful of putting her money into the hands of a complete stranger. She thought herself quite competent to manage it. Nor did she intend to go to either of the two women he had suggested until she was forced by her own appearance to do so.

  Amber and Mrs. Goodman became constant companions. They ate dinner together, usually in one of their own apartments; they went riding in Hyde Park or the Mall, but did not get out; they shopped in the Royal Exchange or at the East India House. Once Amber suggested that they go to a play, but Mrs. Goodman had some severe things to say about the debauchery of the theatres, and after that she did not dare make any more suggestions.

  Mrs. Goodman's husband was detained longer on the C
ontinent, for his business matters were badly tangled. And Amber said that she had received a letter from her aunt, telling her that it would be two weeks or more before she could leave France. If necessary she did not doubt that she could think of another excuse at the end of that time. She was already convinced that people had a better opinion of you if you pretended to be something more than you were than if you used them honestly.

  They had been acquainted for perhaps a fortnight when Sally Goodman told Amber about her nephew. Just returned from church, for it was Sunday, they were in Amber's room, eating a dishful of hot buttered shrimps with their fingers and washing them down with Rhenish. Honour was busily using a pair of bellows to make the fire go, for the day had suddenly turned chill and heavy fog hung over the city.

  "Faith," said Mrs. Goodman, not looking up, for she ate with an almost impartial attention to her plate, "but I'll vow it was worth a Jew's eye to hear my silly nephew going on about you last night. He swears you're the most glorious creature he's ever seen."

  Amber, popping a crisp plump shrimp into her mouth, glanced over at her swiftly. "When did he see me?"

  She had not made the acquaintance of a single young man, though she had had opportunities aplenty; she was convinced that she would never fall in love again but nevertheless she longed for masculine company. Being with a woman she thought was flat and unexciting as a glass of water. But she had almost never met the man who did not seem to have at least one redeeming quality.

  "Yesterday, when you alighted from your coach out in the yard. I thought the young simpleton would fall out the window and break his noodle. But I told 'im you're intended for an earl."

  Amber's smile disappeared. "Oh. You shouldn't 've done that!"

  "Why not?" Mrs. Goodman now turned to a French cake, split and covered with melted butter and rose-water, sprinkled with almonds, "You are, aren't you?"

  "Well—yes. But then, he's your nephew. Heavens, you've been mighty kind to me, Mrs. Goodman, and if your nephew wants to make my acquaintance—why, what harm is there in that?"

  Luke Channell was to call on his aunt that evening and Mrs. Goodman said that she would bring him to meet her. He was, she said, just returning from his travels and on his way to his country-seat in Devonshire. Amber, very much excited and hoping that he would be handsome, changed her gown and had Honour dress her hair again. She did not expect a man like Lord Carlton, for she had seen none other in London like him, but the prospect of talking to a young man again, perhaps flirting a little, seeing his eyes light with admiration, was an exhilarating tonic.

  Luke Channel, however, was a serious disappointment.

  Not very much taller than she, he was stockily built with a broad flat snub-nosed face, and his two front teeth had been broken off diagonally; there was a kind of slippery green moss growing along the edges of his gums. But at least he was quite well-dressed, with a profusion of ribbon-loops at his elbows, hips, and knees, his manner was self-assured, and he seemed tremendously smitten by her. He grinned incessantly, his eyes scarcely left her face, and at times he even seemed so nonplussed as to lose his trend of thought in the middle of a sentence.

  Like most young men who went abroad he had brought back his quota of French oaths, and every other word was "Mor-blew" or "Mor-dee." He told her that the Louvre was much larger than Whitehall, that in Venice the prostitutes walked the streets with their naked breasts on display, and that the Germans drank even more than the English. When he left he invited Amber and his aunt to be his guests at the Mulberry Gardens the next evening and she accepted the invitation with a smiling curtsy.

  They had scarcely closed the door when Honour asked her: "Well, mem, what d'ye think of him? A might spruce young fellow, I'd say."

  But Amber felt suddenly tired and discouraged; the tendency to gloom and moroseness which had come with her pregnancy began to settle. Listlessly she shrugged her shoulders. "He's no great matters to brag of."

  And all at once it washed down over her—the disappointment and loneliness, the aching longing she had for Bruce, the hopelessness of her situation, and she flung herself onto the bed and began to cry. She could feel her pregnancy closing in on her, seeming to shut her into a room from which there was no escape, and she was as terrified as though menaced by some looming monster.

  Oh, what'll I do. What'll I do! she thought wildly. It's growing and growing and growing inside me! I can't stop it! It's going to get bigger and bigger till I swell up like a stuffed toad and everyone will know— Oh! I wish I was dead!

  Chapter Eight

  Amber and Luke Channell were married in mid-October, three weeks after they had met, in the old church of the parish where the Rose and Crown was located. As was customary, Amber bought the wedding-ring and she got a very handsome one with several little diamonds, for which she told the jeweller to send a bill. She had discovered that it was possible to do business that way and now made a practice of it, for her ignorance of money-values was otherwise a serious handicap.

  Amber had not been at all eager to marry Luke. She considered him to be one of the least attractive men she had ever known and nothing but the eternal nagging awareness of pregnancy could have persuaded her to consider him for a husband. He seemed to have just one redeeming quality, and that was a violent infatuation for her.

  But by the next morning she knew that she had been cheated in that too.

  His obsequious adoring manner had vanished altogether and now instead he was insolent, crude, and overbearing. His vulgarity shocked and disgusted her and he would allow her neither privacy nor peace but set upon her at any hour of the day or night. From the first day he was gone most of the time, drank incessantly, harangued her to send for the rest of her money, and displayed almost without provocation a violent and destructive bad-temper.

  Mr. Goodman's financial affairs continued unsolved and he began to seem almost as nebulous a figure as Amber's aunt, though both women made new excuses to each other whenever the time limit of the old one had run out. As soon as Amber and Luke were married the two apartments were flung together and presently Sally was borrowing Amber's fans and gloves and jewels and even tried without success to squeeze into her gowns. Amber began to feel that somehow she was caught between these two, aunt and nephew, who seemed to have gained an advantage over her—though she was at a loss to know just when or how it had happened.

  Honour remained as quiet and self-effacing as ever, though she became slovenly and Amber had to tell her over and over again to wear her shoes in the house and not to go out in a soiled apron. When Luke was at home she stared at him with a sheepish longing that turned Amber sick; when he was drunk she held his head, cleaned up his vomit, undressed him and put him to bed. Such tasks were routine for a servant, but Honour performed them with a kind of fawning wife-like devotion. Luke, however, showed her no gratitude, nagged at her persistently, gave her a cuff or a kick whenever he was annoyed— which was often—and handled her familiarly even before Amber.

  When they had been married scarcely two weeks Amber came into the room one day and surprised Honour and Luke on the bed together. Stunned and disgusted Amber stood there for a moment, mouth and eyes wide open, before she slammed the door. Luke gave a startled jump and Honour, with a terrified shriek, scrambled up and ran into Sally's room, whimpering as she went.

  Luke glared at her. "What in hell blew you in here?"

  She was on the verge of crying, not because she cared if he seduced the maid, but because she was nervous and distraught. "How was I to know what you'd be about!"

  He did not answer but got into his doublet, buckled on his sword and smacking his hat onto his head slammed out of the room. Amber stood for a moment, glaring after him, and then she went to find Honour. The girl was in Sally's room, huddled in a far corner behind the bed, rocking and sobbing with her hands held protectively over her head. A master or mistress had the right to beat unruly servants and that was obviously what she expected.

  "Stop that!" cried Amber.
"I'm not going to hurt you!" She tossed a coin into her lap. "Here. And I'll give you another for every piece-of-mutton he gets from you. Maybe he won't worry me so much then," she added in a mutter, and swirling her skirts about walked away.

  But her own loathing of Luke and his unpleasant personal habits was by no means the only source of Amber's trouble with her husband. Both he and his aunt were spending a great deal of money—almost every day new packages arrived for one or both of them—but they paid for nothing. She brought the subject up one day when she was setting out on a shopping tour with Mrs. Goodman.

  "When's Luke going to get some money from home? If he so much as takes his dinner at a tavern or goes to the play he asks me for some."

  Sally laughed and fanned herself industriously, looking out into the crowded street. "See that yellow satin gown just across the way, sweetheart? I've a mind to have one like it. Now what's that you were saying? Oh, yes—Luke's money. Well, to tell you truly, sweetheart, we wanted to keep this from you, but since you ask you may as well know: Luke's father is furious he married without his leave. Poor Luke-—married for love and now it seems he may be cut off without so much as a shilling. But then, my dear, with all your money no doubt the two of you could shift well enough?" She gave Amber an ingratiating grin, but her eyes were hard and searching.

  Amber stared at her, shocked. Luke cut off and the two of them to live on her five hundred pounds! She had begun to learn already that five hundred was less than the illimitable fortune she had at first imagined it to be, particularly when spent at the reckless rate they three were going.

  "Well, now, why the devil should he be cut out of his father's will?" The question was a sharp challenge, for she and Sally were by no means as polite as they had once been and several times had come close to quarreling. "I suppose I'm not a good enough match for 'im?"

  "Oh, Lord, sweetheart, I protest! I didn't say that, did I? But his father had another girl in mind— Wait till he sees you. He'll come around then fast enough, I warrant. And by the way, my dear, that thousand pound you sent for to your aunt's lawyer—isn't it mighty long in coming?" Sally's voice was once more silky, soothing, as when she asked Luke to curb his temper, not to tear up the cards when he lost a hand, and to treat Honour more gently.