The Emotionally Available Partner

by Marian Lindner

  Using the lack of a relationship as a scapegoat takes our power away, though. While waiting for “The One” to come into our lives, we often don’t do the necessary footwork to make our dreams happen. And even when we are in a partnership, we often are waiting for that magical moment when everything gels and we feel great forever. Now we see that the solution is not in someone else. If we look closely today as we heal our partnership issues, we see the answer inside of us.

  Today I abstain from all blame.

  Day 27

  Self-Sabotage

  I release the need to sabotage myself.

  Self-sabotage takes many forms for us. Common manifestations of our self-sabotage include putting other women’s needs over our own, fearing we are too old to find a partner, pushing away available people, or engaging in self-hatred.

  Whatever forms our self-sabotage takes, when we notice ourselves undermining our success, we get clarity. Today we know that any movement to underhanded interference with our own partnership goals signals that our issues have kicked up. If we are self-sabotaging, we are in an uncomfortable situation or experiencing an uncomfortable feeling. Today we thank our desire to self-sabotage with gratitude. Then we gently let go of it.

  Today I move into my feelings if I feel the urge to undermine myself.

  Day 28

  Mirrors

  I practice healthy mirroring.

  “If you spot it, you got it.”―Anonymous

  The people we attract are mirrors to us: cold, warm, abusive, loving, critical, fun, and depressive. Sometimes the people in our lives are compilations of all of these traits. If we look closely we see that we are too, for we mirror the individuals in our lives. Our ego wants to separate us from others, yet the qualities we most dislike in others are actually traits that we have in ourselves. If they ignore us, are we ignoring them or ourselves? If they are critical and demanding, do we demand too much from them or from ourselves? If they are warm and loving, are we kind and accepting of them and of ourselves?

  As we heal our partnership issues, we find that we get back what we put out to either the world or to ourselves. In order to attract the type of person we want in our lives, we need to be that person to ourselves and to others every day. Healthy mirroring begins one step at a time. Today we can do it!

  Today I notice the people I am attracting and I look within myself to see if they mirror me.

  Day 29

  Twisted Thinking

  I release all twisted thinking.

  Screwy thinking characterizes our partnership issues. Often as we heal, we realize that we have some very twisted ideas of relating. For example, when we meet someone who is available, we may read them as needy. We may think of them as lacking somewhere. We may see their availability as a sign of weakness. Our mixed-up thinking does not comprehend that emotional availability is a source of strength. We don’t understand that an available person is open and can let appropriate people in without fear. We may believe that an emotionally available person is not “all there.”

  Our old beliefs tell us that wanting someone results in punishment. We believe that leaving oneself open to a relationship ends in hardships and hurt; however, emotional availability is about love. It is not about punishment and pain. Now when we notice our fears surfacing, we know that the issues are not theirs. We know it is our twisted thinking in action.

  Today, if I am stuck in twisted thinking, I immediately let go of it.

  Day 30

  Appearances

  I release my appearance obsession around relationships.

  Looking good at all times with a person assumes a lot of importance in our culture; however, appearances don’t always match reality. We want our parents, friends, and neighbors to think well of us. We want others to approve of our choice in a partner. Too often women are taught that the externals are what matter: looks, clothes, job, or car. Externals, however, will not hug us at night and nurture us.

  Now we turn inward. Today we ask ourselves, “How do I feel in being with this person? How does the inside of this relationship look to me? How does this individual treat me?” When we are clearer about the internal status of our relationship, we are less interested in how our relationship may look to other people. We are more interested in how we feel.

  Today I release my obsession with appearances in relationships.

  Day 31

  Aggression

  I notice when I am being aggressive.

  Aggression is a common trait in women who choose unavailable partners. We may have pursued people when we weren’t wanted, may not have been good at taking “no” for an answer, or we may have had a temper. Our angry streak may come out only in intimate relationships.

  Women have been taught in our society to be “good” all the time, which often translates to never being mad; however, that anger has gone underground in us. Often we have internalized our anger, becoming depressed or passive aggressive. Unfortunately it has had to come out somewhere. Many of us know only too well that our anger has turned to aggression toward a partner at times in our past.

  Now we are aware that the key to releasing our tendency to get aggressive is to notice when we feel it starting in us. Whenever we feel we have to make them see, to take control, and/or to be the aggressor, we just notice our own behavior. There is no judgment involved in this process. We are getting better and better on this road to healing. Eventually we clearly see that aggression is not necessary, for we know how to meet our own needs. Today when we get angry, we appropriately express it.

  Today I know that I do not need to act aggressively with my partner to get my needs met.

  Chapter Summary:

  Congratulations! At this point you have taken the first steps toward understanding why you push away available partners and tend to gravitate toward those who can’t commit. This is the beginning of your journey. It is a solid base to work from.

  As you finish this month’s messages, ask yourself if you can identify 3 reasons why you tend to choose partners who don’t satisfy you. Notice 2 qualities that the unavailable partners from your past have in common. See what behaviors of yours keep you from being intimate with another person.

  Right now, the most important thing to remember is that you are not flawed because you engage in this behavior. Women run from intimacy because we fear we don’t know how to be in a relationship or because we believe closeness is too scary. In order to heal, awareness must come first. At this point you are on your way. When you understand why you want to run away from those who can meet your needs and why you instead desire to let in people who won’t satisfy you in the long term, you are healing. The next chapter deals with the second step, which is simply to observe your behavior without judgment.

  ∙ 2∙

  Compassionate

  Self-Observation

  Chapter 2 teaches self-awareness without judgment. You will learn what does and doesn’t work for you in relationships, ways to honor your natural love abilities, and how to keep a sense of loving humor about all of your actions. Move forward with courage! Each day is bringing you closer to an emotionally available partner.

  Day 32

  Self-Observation

  My partnership issues invite me to look beneath my symptoms at the underlying feelings.

  Whenever our fears take over, we can be certain that there are feelings coming up inside of us. All of our issues with partnership are actually a great tactic we have used to distract ourselves from feelings that seem too painful to face. Our obsessions with unavailable people, detours from intimacy, and anger at those who “did us wrong,” are all ways to distract ourselves from feeling the feelings working in us.

  Many of us have developed this trait to defend against feelings we think will overwhelm us. We fear that if we face our feelings, then nothing will be left. We fear we won’t be able to handle the pain; we think that we might die if we feel. Feelings need to be respected, though. We access our feelings by getting centered, meditating,
talking to friends, or working with a counselor. Today we have the miraculous opportunity to hear what our feelings are saying, which will heal us.

  For this day only, I accept the invitation to look behind my fears at my feelings.

  Day 33

  Seeing Our Behavior

  I support myself as I clearly see my own issues around partnership.

  As we see our issues pop up more, we may tend to get hard on ourselves by thinking we are far worse off than we were when we started to heal. It is scary to see our behavior so clearly in action; however, if we seem to be pushing potential partners away more, continuing to choose those who are not available, or running from intimacy more, perhaps we are just hyper-aware of how our partnership issues are at work in us.

  Even if we seem to be acting out more than we did before we started this process, this is the time to be very kind to ourselves on the journey. We are healing and getting better every day, no matter what our behavior seems to indicate.

  Today when I see my partnership issues working in me, I trust that I am on the road to healing.

  Day 34

  Honesty

  I go to the hardware store for hardware.

  “There I go again, going to the hardware store for oranges.”―Anonymous

  Keeping a sense of humor about the allure of people who can’t give us what we need is important. Whenever we notice ourselves attracted to someone who is not available, we remember the importance of honesty. Being kind to ourselves, gently questioning our motives if we think we may be trying to “pull the wool over our own eyes,” and having a sense of humor about the situation helps.

  Then we go one step further and ask ourselves what it would be like to be with someone who is available. We deserve a partner who shows up for us. Now we know that looking to unavailable people no longer fulfills us.

  Today, with a gentle sense of humor and a big dose of self-love, I remember it is now safe to be with a partner who gives me what I need.

  Day 35

  Satisfaction

  I ask myself if I am satisfied with a potential partner.

  We often have no idea what satisfies us in potential partners. We have a fulfillment indicator that is out of order. Many of us are used to accepting the unacceptable in relationships and getting no satisfaction. If this is the case, we may think a lack of satisfaction in relationships is normal.

  An available person may scare us silly. We find ourselves running the other way whenever someone is eager and available to be with us. Today we know that taking the time to determine our level of satisfaction with an individual is a signal that we are healing. Do we feel calm with an individual? Do we feel empty? Are we comfortable? Choosing an emotionally available partner is about checking in with ourselves to see how we feel around a person, determining that we do feel good in being near them, and then cultivating the ability to let them satisfy us.

  Today I ask myself if someone satisfies me. I ask myself if I feel good in being around them.

  Day 36

  Real Change

  I am motivated by a real desire to change.

  Change is hard, scary, and happens easiest when we are committed to changing. If we are changing for someone else, it probably won’t work. If we are trying to change because we think we should, we are probably “in for it.” If we truly want real, profound change, though, then we will achieve it.

  Whenever we are in doubt about why we want to change, we get clarity by putting our reasons for wanting to change down on paper or by talking to a trusted friend. Because healing can be arduous, we need to be certain that our motivation is in the correct place. When we truly desire to change, then whatever we do not like about our patterns will be unlearned. Although change may take time, we are steadily healing when our motivation is in the right place.

  Today I get clarity about what is motivating me to change.

  Day 37

  Investigation

  I ask myself if I want to be with this person more, what else I want from them, and if I can stop now.

  When we love someone, many of us fall into a pattern of giving ourselves over completely to the relationship. Starving for love and connection, we lose touch with our own normal cues of satisfaction. It is a natural tendency to ignore our own stop signals and jump into the love between our partner and ourselves. The reason is that it feels so good. After the glow wanes a little and we feel calmer, however, we may want to get back to our lives.

  Now, by investigating our own cues of fullness, we learn balance. Then we are better able to love someone else. When we heal, we nurture our ability to be satisfied, both within the relationship and in the world. As we develop sensitivity to our own stop signals, we don’t get so close that someone backs away from our neediness. We don’t let another person control the relationship, either. Instead, we follow what feels comfortable to us in the relationship. We trust that new love experiences and new opportunities for connection are always available for us.

  Today I set my own pace in my relationship with a person. I am in balance.

  Day 38

  Hormones

  I respect my hormones.

  Hormones can send us reeling. Mental and emotional hormonal effects can include depression, crying spells, anxiety, mood swings, irritability, and withdrawal. Physical symptoms can include bloating, migraine headaches and backaches, changes in sex drives, food cravings, fatigue or insomnia. We can become inexplicably hopeless or madly joyful within minutes. Hormones can make us move away from people or move closer; therefore, hormonal changes are very disconcerting to us and to the person in our lives.

  Now whenever we get unduly upset with our partner, it is a good idea to check in with where we are in our cycle. Chances are that if we are experiencing especially strong emotions, there is usually a good hormonal reason for it. Often it seems like our relationship is absolutely abominable in such moments. At these times it is important to get a reality check before we make excessive demands on whoever is closest to us. We do not want to lash out at our partner. Obviously we most often are appropriate, and hormones do not always get the best of us; however, our cycles do impact our relationships.

  Today I pay attention to my hormones.

  Day 39

  Appetite for Love

  I give myself patience and time to get my own natural appetite for love back.

  Being involved with unavailable people gives us very little appetite for love. Although relearning who we are around potential partners, what we need, and what we want may take time, our efforts will pay off. As we heal our partnership issues, getting comfortable with our own appetites for love directs us to the person who is best for us.

  Today we know that it feels good to regain our appetite for love. Now we ask ourselves questions. Ask, “Do I like to be in relationships fast, or do I prefer to move slowly? How do I feel when I meet someone nice? Do I feel connected right away? Does my desire build slowly? Do I prefer to hold out until I can get the complete treatment or do I like to whet my appetite with appetizers throughout the day?” Letting our desire for a person grow is almost unheard of in our instamatic, “love at first sight” culture. No matter what our relational preferences are, everything we do is just fine. Today we explore what works for us in love.

  Today I regain my appetite for love.

  Day 40

  Mixed Messages

  I send clear messages.

  When we send mixed messages, our partnership issues have flared up. A mixed message takes the shape of saying one thing with our words but doing the exact opposite. Interacting with potential partners gives us the chance to notice when other people give us mixed signals. For example, when a man says he wants a relationship, yet he is juggling several external commitments that keep him busy each night of the week, he is not really available.

  Interacting with people helps us to notice when they send conflicting signals, but the process also involves noticing our own mixed messages. Like the previous example, are we also
too busy for a relationship? There is nothing wrong with sending a mixed message; however, mixed messages can confuse, upset, and alienate other people. When we send mixed messages, the behavior usually indicates that this individual is not right for us, that we are not yet ready for a relationship, or that we are trying to manufacture an attraction we don’t feel. Whatever the case, if we notice that the people around us are consistently sending mixed messages; chances are that we are too.

  Today I notice if I am sending mixed messages.

  Day 41

  Intensity

  I decide the intensity level I am comfortable with in relationships.

  We often jump headfirst into relationships when we are smitten with another person. We forget to keep track of our own boundaries. The relating feels so good, and there are so many fringe benefits from being with a partner, that we are often whisked away by passion. With the tease of a fun relationship, we forget that real partnerships take work; they do not form by magic.

  Love at first sight does happen; however, being emotionally loving means doing the necessary footwork to build a caring partnership. If we notice that we are obsessing more than usual, feeling abandoned and hopeless when we are not with our partner, or if we are starting to act out compulsively in any other areas, we investigate our intensity level in the relationship. If we notice that we are uncomfortable, it is a great signal to move deeper into ourselves. Now we determine what intensity level works for us. Our partner will not leave us if we take a baby step back; therefore, today we take care of ourselves.