The Emotionally Available Partner

by Marian Lindner

  Neither way is right or wrong, good or bad. Everything we do is OK. We simply need to be clear on the sexual styles of men and women in order to decide what is good for us.

  Today I respect the difference in male and female views of sex.

  Day 59

  Going Within

  I go within right when I feel the craving to obsess on a person.

  Obsession is the modus operandi of many women who choose the unavailable type. Whenever we beat ourselves up, get jealous, judge ourselves, pigeonhole others, future-trip, decide we can’t call a potential partner, read into our interactions with a person, distract ourselves, get bitter, put up walls, or try to get something from another person that they can’t or won’t give us, we recognize that this is the most opportune time to stop and go within.

  Getting focused on our obsessions in this way takes practice and perseverance. It is also important to be kind to ourselves as we learn to go inward. The temptation to get hard on ourselves often surfaces when we become aware of how powerful our preoccupations are; however, obsession is the magical opportunity of our partnership issues. Whenever we notice we have slipped into obsession; that is the greatest signal that something uncomfortable is happening, whether it is a feeling we are having or a situation we are in.

  Today I go lovingly within as soon as I begin to obsess on another person.

  Chapter Summary:

  Self-awareness without judgment is a very powerful tool to your healing. When you do a math problem, you don’t get upset when you see that 1+1=2. You accept that those are the facts. You may not like the fact that 1+1 doesn’t equal 5; however, you simply deal with what is in front of you. You do not judge the numbers!

  Now, you must look at your behaviors in relationships as if they were math problems. At this point, you are observing many behaviors in yourself which are facts as you heal your partnership issues. You may not like the facts that you are facing, yet you know that judgment doesn’t help you. To heal, you must deal with the reality of your part in your relationship struggles, just as if they were facts in a math problem.

  As this chapter is completed, ask yourself if you now have a better sense of how you use obsession on other people to distract yourself from your life. Notice when you see only what you want to see in potential partners. Be aware when your relationship-related behaviors are affecting your interactions.

  Right now, the most important thing is to be kind to yourself. If you are seeking out emotionally unavailable partners, you are in good company. Many women struggle with this issue. Pat yourself on the back for your bravery in facing what may be frightening and humbling facts. With the self-observation skills you now have, you are gaining a level of self-understanding that will support you through this journey. You are well on your way. The next chapter will help you love every part of yourself—even the parts you are tempted to judge.

  ∙3∙

  Being Our Own

  Best Friend

  This chapter will give you the skills to love every part of yourself. You will learn new ways to nurture yourself, how to believe in yourself more powerfully, and how to have more fun. Enjoy the process of becoming your own best friend. You deserve unconditional love!

  Day 60

  Pleasure

  I please myself.

  Often women who choose the unavailable type do not have a clear sense of what brings us pleasure. Whether we have been a chameleon deferring to a potential partner’s pleasure or are just out of practice in pleasing ourselves, today is the day to explore what we enjoy.

  Writing a “bliss list” is a great tool. The act of writing all the small pleasures we love to engage in on paper helps us make the decision to do at least one every day. Keeping the “bliss list” handy and placed in our line of sight to have available when we experience challenges is also a great support for us. Some of us may be very skilled already at pleasing ourselves, yet ultimately it is important to remember that we deserve pleasure in our lives just for today.

  For the next 24 hours, I surrender to pleasure.

  Day 61

  Sustenance

  I get support.

  No matter what issues present themselves to us as we heal our partnership issues, we now face all the challenges with adequate support. Support sustains us on the journey of life. Therapy, meditation, prayer, and service offer much support to us as we heal. Remembering that we are not alone also helps.

  Many of us have had to survive without adequate support for decades. This is no longer the case. Today we get the help we need, whether we are single or in a relationship. There are many support groups for women, and we can create a support group dealing specifically with issues of women’s emotions if we need it. Also when we are in a partnership, a 12 step program such as RCA (Recovering Couples Anonymous) or a couple’s counselor offers support. Another example of support is a connection with other women who are in successful, loving relationships. We have many avenues of support to help us on our way today. We are going to make it!

  Today I get all the support I need to heal my partnership issues.

  Day 62

  Fun

  I take things less seriously.

  Being overly serious characterizes our fears of partnership. Either there are no people available for us, or we want to escape from all the individuals who do show up. Also, once we realize the extent of our issues, we may work so hard to heal that we lose touch with having a fantastic time. Today let’s remember that life is a game to be enjoyed. Let’s have fun!

  Our issues are not here to punish us. Our challenges only pop up to get us closer to the wonderful lover inside of us who exults in pleasure and comfort. Whatever relationship we decide to invest in now, we don’t have to take it too seriously. Let’s enjoy this person in front of us today as we let life happen.

  For this day, I enjoy life. I have fun with another person.

  Day 63

  Generosity

  I am generous with myself.

  Emotional availability is characterized by a lot of time, intimacy, and an abundance of nurturing and generosity. As we grew up, sometimes our parents weren’t generous with their time. They weren’t there for us in the ways that we wanted and needed. No parent can always be there for a child, yet today we take back our right to be as generous as possible to ourselves.

  Generosity means giving freely of our time without any expectation of reward. It means truly loving and caring for ourselves. Whether our generosity takes the form of giving ourselves gifts, playing, connecting with safe people, enjoying some alone-time, or going on a vacation, today we reform ourselves by showering ourselves with love, time, attention, and care.

  For this day only I treat myself as I would a beloved child.

  Day 64

  Pleasing Ourselves

  I please myself equally as I please others.

  Women are very good at taking care of others, and we enjoy pleasing people. Today let’s turn that fantastic skill we have honed over a lifetime in toward ourselves. Affirming that we love to give ourselves what we need, this is the time to indulge ourselves in wonderful pleasures. Whether it’s taking a bubble bath, lighting a candle, taking a walk, getting a hug, or reading a magazine, we get to please ourselves today.

  Women who take care of themselves have more to give to the person in their lives, and emotional availability is about giving. Today we know that giving to ourselves will please everyone. Now we indulge ourselves in what pleases us.

  Today I value all of myself. As I give to others, so I give to myself.

  Day 65

  Peace

  I am at peace with the relationship I have with myself.

  Choosing unavailable partners is about not loving who we are, judging ourselves, and indulging in self-hatred. For this reason, being at peace with ourselves is imperative to healing. We are acceptable and important. When we love ourselves, our inner peace radiates outward. Loving the self allows us to truly love others. Then we choose those who trul
y love us back.

  Does this mean we always love everything we do? No. In fact, emotional availability is about unconditionally accepting everything we do—all the ways we react. Even if we sometimes act inappropriately, have uncomfortable feelings, or overreact, today we accept every part of ourselves. Feeling peaceful means we are internally content. Then we are truly comfortable with another emotionally available person.

  For the next 24 hours, I am content with all of myself.

  Day 66

  Normal Love

  I let myself love normally.

  What does it mean to love normally? At this point in our process we may feel that we are abnormal and incapable of ever loving normally. We may have been with people who blamed their own issues of being unable to love on us. That is not the truth! We are beings of pure love created by the universe. Our essential natures are love. We only need to return to our original condition.

  Today let’s look back at all our positive love experiences from the past by writing down at least three examples of times we interacted lovingly with an individual in our relationships. When we concretely see the evidence of our natural love abilities, we realize that we do know how to love normally. No matter how hard we have been on ourselves, how hard others have been on us, or how far off course we seem to have gotten, we do know how to love. By tuning into the part of us that knows what love is, today we release all self-doubt about our love abilities, add successful love skills we see operating in other’s relationships to our repertoire, and explore what normal love means to us.

  Today I explore what normal love means to me and to others. I let myself love.

  Day 67

  Reaching Out

  I reach out.

  Asking for help goes against the grain of many women healing our fears of partnership. We may conceive of needing help as admitting weakness. We also may decide that we should not even bother asking since no one has ever come through for us in the past the way we needed it.

  Whatever our personal myths about reaching out for comfort and assurance, today we re-conceptualize asking for help. In actuality, whenever we reach out to others we give them a gift that says, “I trust you.” “I need what you have to give me.” Also, if we reach out, we are capable of being available when others reach out to us.

  Not everyone will be available when we reach out; however, we can practice the new behavior. Through that we learn who is available. By reaching out to safe others we widen our support network, too. This is important because a good support system is essential to a healthy partnership. Since no one person can meet all our needs, now we get the support we need in a variety of ways. Today we let others love us.

  Today I ask for comfort and assurance from supportive people.

  Day 68

  Self-Protection

  I protect myself from harm.

  Healing means knowing what harms us. Every woman will be slightly different. We are responsible for ourselves as adult women, and identifying who is harmful for us is important. Growing up we may have been in experiences where those we depended on were unsafe; sometimes they were even dangerous. We may also have been in relationships with people who, for whatever reason and on whatever level, were not safe partners. Even if we are used to danger and discomfort, as adults we now can choose who we let into our lives. With self-knowledge of what is harmful for us, we seek out the plentitude of potential partners who are safe and less painful for us.

  Healing our partnership issues offers us a great daily opportunity to get very good at keeping ourselves from harm. Now we know who and what to avoid as we let our experience guide our path. We also have abundant resources to learn how to protect ourselves from harm, including self-defense classes. (See the Bibliography at the back of this book.) No matter what path we take to protect ourselves, today we know that we deserve to be with people who are safe. The beauty of it is that safe individuals are everywhere!

  Today I learn self-protection skills.

  Day 69

  The Bottom Line

  I accept and love myself no matter what.

  There are many bumps on this “wild ride” of healing. We are unlearning patterns of behavior that took a lifetime to develop. We will appear to “fail” several times; therefore, being unconditionally loving of ourselves sets a profound energy in motion when we “slip.” Eventually we get so good at unconditionally accepting ourselves that we know how to give love and acceptance like this to a partner as well. As we make progress, we see that the love we give ourselves is reflected back to us by others.

  Whatever happens on our journey, we are precious, valuable, and special. We deserve to give ourselves all the love and caring we can muster. Whatever types of behavior we exhibit and whatever we do, we are always acceptable. Even though we may not like our behavior, we are wonderful, loving beings. For help, we only need to turn inward. We are going to make it. Though this process often takes time, we will not fail if we practice day by day.

  Today I love myself no matter what.

  Day 70

  The Truth

  I tell the truth.

  “To thine own self be true.”―William Shakespeare

  Loving an available partner is about being true to ourselves. It is having the courage to appropriately share our truth with people. Taking responsibility for our own truth presents a real challenge for many of us. Because we were involved with unavailable people, we remember many times that our honesty was invalidated by others. In the past, speaking with candor drove significant people away.

  Today as we move toward emotionally available partners, we learn which people are safe to share intimately with. With persistence and practice day by day, we begin to associate integrity with intimacy and connection. Now we know that we are protected when we take risks to share ourselves. Practice in every interaction we undertake also teaches us how to express our truth successfully. Now we courageously make a decision to practice speaking with frankness as we go through each day. We can do it!

  For this day only, I speak what’s true.

  Day 71

  My Best Friend

  I am my own best friend.

  If we had a friend who talked to us the way we talk to ourselves, chances are that person would never be in our lives; however, in intimate relationships with others we often accept unacceptable behavior. We sometimes subject ourselves to criticism, abuse, and control—probably because we are treating ourselves the same way. If we are used to coping with our own abusive self talk, then it makes sense that we would attract and be attracted to those who are not truly our friends either.

  Today we define what a best friend is to us; then we strive to become that best friend to ourselves. In time we are unable to be with an unavailable person. We can’t because we would never let our best friend be hurt.

  Today I love every aspect of myself. I am friendly and kind to myself.

  Day 72

  Utility

  I use my relationship as a way to grow and share.

  Relationships are a great way to learn about ourselves and others. In fact, many people believe that we are not growing as much as we can unless we are in a relationship. This produces a quandary for many of us. We are aware that relationships are fertile ground to work through our issues. We do want to share ourselves in relationship, yet our fears of intimacy make us shy away from what can be good for us.

  When we see ourselves with such clarity, it is important to truly love ourselves and trust our process. The next relationship we have or the next interaction we have with our current partner will never be as painful as the interactions we have had before. Now we are moving forward on a path to true healing and acceptance. We are getting better every day. Today we know that we deserve the chance to utilize a relationship to promote our growth, and the growth of our partner. Now we move forward with courage.

  Today I move into a relationship in order to heal.

  Day 73

  Touch

  I take care to avoid touc
h deprivation.

  “Right now massage is filling a need for me.”―Diane

  The lack of touch in a woman’s life can create a vast ache. Touch deprivation can lead to fear. It may even make us connect with unavailable or inappropriate people just to quiet our needs. It is always OK to be with any person that we choose; however, now we remember that we deserve to be with someone who shows up for us. We deserve to get our needs for appropriate touch met, too.

  When touch deprivation issues surface in our process, massage can be extremely healing. If we can afford it, we indulge in sensual, appropriate touch. We can hire a massage therapist, get a friend to gently give us a foot rub, take a massage course and learn to self-massage, or trade massage with a safe individual. We can also get a nurturing hug from someone who cares about us. Today there are ways for us to get our needs met safely and appropriately as we heal. Now we go to any lengths to take care of our Self.

  Today, I know how to get my needs for touch met.

  Day 74

  I Deserve

  I am entitled to love, respect and honesty.

  Love is characterized by respect and honesty. We deserve to be treated with love and care. Respectful, honest people are out there waiting for us. If we are currently choosing relationships with those who are not loving and caring, we examine the connection binding us to someone who is not right for us. When we check in with ourselves, we clearly see that staying in relationships with unavailable people is a manifestation of our partnership issues.

  It is always OK to be with someone who cannot give us what we need; the important thing is to notice. No matter where we are, today with great self-compassion we take the next right steps. We affirm our right to be treated with love. Then we open ourselves to an emotionally available partner.