The Emotionally Available Partner

by Marian Lindner

  Even though it takes courage to stay with our feelings about a partner, especially if this person is satisfying us, with practice we can tolerate the feeling of satisfaction with a person for longer periods of time. We find that we don’t have to run away from them at all! Our partnership issues may pop up from time to time; however, now we are so clear in ourselves and our healing process that we trust our ability to return to our partner. A reliance on the tools that have worked for us in the past serves us in the future: checking in with ourselves without judgment, and listening to what our feelings have to tell us. Often when we sit with the feelings of satisfaction in being with a person, we find that there are several potential partners who are just right for us. Our issue has been healed.

  Today I love the feeling of satisfaction being around another person gives me.

  Day 233

  Attention

  I get my own attention.

  Healing our partnership issues means showing up for ourselves and paying attention to our own call. Any detours into compulsion or obsession, extreme anger, hatred, rage, or irrational fear are great indicators that we are in need of attention. Our strong emotions are not here to torture us, though. Actually they are signals that we need to get back in balance.

  It hurts when our expectations of a person are not met; however, today we are sensitive to our own needs. We do want a partner who pays attention to us; yet we know that healing is not about finding a person to fill the hole in us. Now we get our own attention and hold it. Then we are able to let someone give us their attention because we are so used to being showered with love and care. Taking this one step further, we next develop the ability to give away the abundance of what we have to our partner. That way the love builds and builds.

  Today I shower myself with love and attention.

  Day 234

  Empathy

  I empathize with how I feel.

  As we heal, we are discovering that it’s hard and it hurts sometimes to be on this road. At other times it is joyful and fun. Sometimes we feel alienated and left out, or that we are being punished; at other times we feel gratitude and wonder at how joyful we feel. This process means truly getting close to our all of our feelings. It entails giving ourselves the acceptance we need when we are emotional.

  Today, using all of our intellectual understanding, we relate empathetically to our feelings. We hold ourselves with love and care, no matter what feelings pop up. Empathy is the intellectual identification with our feelings. Now, whenever we notice that we are cut off from our feelings, we use all of our faculties: emotional, spiritual, and mental!

  I relate to all my feelings today.

  Day 235

  Sudden Emotional Withdrawal

  I respect my emotional withdrawals.

  If we experience sudden emotional withdrawal as we get close to an individual, we know that our partnership issues have kicked up. Often getting close to a person will trigger a tremendous fear of intimacy in us; therefore sudden emotional upheavals are normal. Many women act out by causing a fight, flirting with other people, giving someone the silent treatment, not returning phone calls, resuming a pointless argument, or pouting.

  Whatever forms our issues take, the best thing to do is not to panic or assume that the person we are with is the problem. Taking a deep breath, we move closer into our emotional body. When we want to pull away, we see what is going on inside us. Our process of recoiling from a person usually signals that we are feeling powerfully. Taking the time to get quiet, centered, and self-inquisitive leads us to the answers we need. Now when we notice our sudden withdrawals, we thank our issues and get the support we need.

  Today if I notice my sudden emotional withdrawals, I move deeper into myself.

  Day 236

  Jealousy

  I let go of jealousy today.

  “I have never understood jealousy. Being attracted to someone is such a gift that, if I focus on that, I have no reason to be jealous.”―Hillary Flye King

  Jealousy is a very challenging emotion; it is the green-eyed monster. To let go of jealousy often takes a lot of practice. Conceptualizing attraction as a precious gift helps us. Now we know that if we honor our attractions, jealousy is irrelevant. If we love someone we can return that strong emotion whenever jealousy rears its head. Feeling jealousy means that we decide that other women are a threat to our relationship with a potential partner, that we believe in scarcity, and that we assume that everyone else has already taken all the good people.

  Being gentle with ourselves along the way helps whenever jealousy rears its head. Our jealousy signals that our issues have a message for us. It is always OK to feel jealous; the important question to ask ourselves is how that jealousy feels to us and what it is trying to teach us. Keeping the focus on ourselves and on our own feelings of attraction, where our attention belongs, defuses our jealousy. Now we know that attraction is a divine gift to be celebrated.

  Today if I notice I am feeling jealous, I keep the focus on me. I release my jealousy.

  Day 237

  Humility

  I am humble.

  “Humility does not equal humiliation.”―Anonymous

  When we are driven by our partnership issues, we are proud and immodest. Now as we awaken to our past behavior, we may feel humiliated. We clearly see how our ego has revolved around partners: getting them, getting away from them, blaming them, begging them for attention, our inability to be friends with them, or controlling them. Our relationship fears have brought us low many times.

  If we slip into humiliation as we face the power of our issues, then we need an antidote. Humility is always the antidote to the arrogance of our ego. Humility is an understanding of our right size. While everything in our culture teaches us that to be meek is to be weak and lowly, today we know that humility is different than humiliation. The extreme humbling that our partnership issues have given us helps us to be teachable. Then we are able to let real love in.

  For the next twenty-four hours, I practice humility.

  Day 238

  Harmony

  I release all bitterness and choose harmony with a partner.

  Harmony means peacefully co-existing with and complementing the person in our lives. Being in harmony means that the energy radiating out from our partnership is full of love. Although most of us have rarely been in harmony with our partner for long, harmony is our birthright. We are loving beings whose essential nature is love; however, we have often treated our partners with antagonism or hostility instead. To let go of all of our relationship fears means getting back to the basics of what we already know how to do intuitively, which is to love.

  Today let’s trust ourselves, because love is about harmony. Now we promote love on a daily basis by releasing bitterness, being harmonious with ourselves, and loving the person in our lives.

  I am in harmony with my partner, which is the exact opposite of bitterness, for the next 24 hours.

  Day 239

  Anger

  I appropriately express and take responsibility for my anger.

  “Anger is a secondary emotion. It is just a cover for pain.”―Anonymous

  Anger is a powerful emotion. Sometimes we are scared of our own anger. We may have “stuffed” it for years or let it out at inopportune moments. If we grew up around raging parents or other angry adults, we may have experienced anger as pathological. We now may fear that we have a disease passed down from them whenever we feel angry; however, anger is simply an emotion. Only our behavior can actually cause harm.

  Today our goal is to honor our anger. Anger is a powerful energy signaling that we are hurt. If we “stuff” the anger, we are not allowing ourselves to acknowledge our own pain. Harnessing our anger effectively instead, we use it to heal. Ways to harness our anger proactively include tearing up an old phone book, kickboxing, or pounding a pillow.

  Whatever way we handle our anger, we also realize that our anger means we need to listen to what’s going on. Anger t
ells us that our boundaries have been crossed; it means that a limit we set is not being respected. Now we know that taking responsibility for our anger means we have the opportunity to get close to that part of ourselves that needs attention. Once we know why we hurt and have clarity about what our anger is telling us, then we wait until we are calm before we clearly communicate our feelings with our partner.

  Today I honor my anger. I respect my emotion as a signal that I am hurting.

  Day 240

  Rebounding

  I am aware of my process if I choose to rebound from a relationship.

  When recovering from a break-up, some of us tend to rebound. By rebounding we are thrown into the rush of a new relationship. Then, it seems as if we don’t need to process our feelings for a person. Actually the rebound is a distraction from our issues with that person we are running from; the issues won’t go away even though the rebound may feel good in the moment. If we need or want to rebound, that is always OK. If we choose to rebound, though, we can be sure that the issues from our past relationship will surface again.

  Rebounding can be a movement out of emotional balance, but ultimately we are our own authority. There is no judgment about what we women “should” do when letting go of a relationship. Today we become aware of our own style so that we get what we need as a relationship ends. If we take the rebound route at the end of a partnership, we get a chance to see how rebounds feel for us.

  Today I stay present with myself if I rebound from a relationship.

  Day 241

  Envy

  My envy is teaching me about what I want.

  Envy is a trait that differs from jealousy. Envy is characterized by the desire for some advantage another possesses, while jealousy is feeling resentment against someone else because of their advantage. Many of us have the tendency to become envious if another woman is engaged, married, or a mother. What envy signifies is that we desire to be in her shoes. Whenever we experience strong feelings in connection with a woman or a man who has what we want, today we have the opportunity to get clear on whether it is jealousy or envy working in us. If jealousy is popping up, we work to let the resentment go and try to be happy for that person. If envy is at play, then our real work is to acknowledge that we sincerely want what she/he has; then we go to any lengths in order to obtain what we envy.

  Emotional availability does not appear by magic in most people; relationships take work even for those to whom love seems to come easy. If someone has what we want, we ask them how they achieved it, we practice new behavior, and we cultivate the willingness and ability to do the necessary footwork to get it. Doing the work will not guarantee we will get what they possess; however, it will lead us to our healing.

  Today I release all envy. I go to any lengths to get what I want.

  Day 242

  Shutting Down

  I abstain from shutting down around a partner.

  Staying present with another person takes a lot of practice and self-awareness for us. Letting go of our judgments about how relationships should play out, who we should be attracted to, and the willful control we have hung onto for dear life is necessary. This is a tall order for many of us. If we trust the process, however, we will not fail.

  Today we are more present and remain that way. Our decision to avoid shutting down gets us back into our bodies and into our feelings sooner. Now we learn amazing lessons about ourselves as we identify the triggers that cause us to dissociate around potential partners. We stay present for ourselves and for our partner.

  As I stay aware around another person today, I gain faith that I will be taken care of in the long run.

  Day 243

  Emotional Maturity

  I have the emotional maturity of an adult woman.

  Focus on our positives takes practice. Each day we do many things well because we are skilled, capable, and adult. In relationships, our skills can be tested. We may act inappropriately by pouting or yelling. We may shut down with our partner by being surly or uncommunicative. We may run away from the relationship. Knowing our own skill level, and accepting where we are, is important as we work through our fears. If we need a crash course, a growth workshop, or just some practice in intimate relationships, today we get the experience and help we need. We also pat ourselves on the back for how far we have come.

  Today we note all the tremendous progress we have made on this path. Healing is a process, not a magic act. We are now emotionally mature enough to honor this moment. There is no judgment, shame, or blame involved in examining our skill set in intimate relationships. We have only the sincere desire to get better and better.

  Today I realize how emotionally mature I am.

  Chapter Summary:

  Feelings give you important information about your reactions to potential partners. Although you may not have been taught to stay with your feelings, turning your attention inward will help you heal your partnership issues. At this point you are realizing that you are up to the challenge. Now you are beginning to see that accessing your feelings just takes practice. You are also learning that listening to your feelings teaches you to be emotionally empathetic with a partner. That way you can have the emotionally rich partnership you want.

  To get a sense of your progress, list 3 feelings you had today. Were you angry, sad, scared, or happy? Can you relate those feelings to events that happened today? Are you only feeling “blah?” If so, that’s OK. Now you know that all your feelings are worthy; no feeling is more valid than another. Also answer these questions: Did you listen to what another person had to say in the last week? Did you affirm their right to have feelings? Did you stop yourself from taking your partner’s feelings personally this month?

  Give yourself a pat on the back for all your progress! At this point you are becoming very powerful. You are starting to hold your emotional self with love and care. You remember that your feelings always manifest for a reason. You know that your emotional energy will pass.

  The only place that you may get tripped up is when you notice that some of your feelings are hard to handle. If you feel overwhelmed; this is normal! If you need some assistance to deal with your feelings, there are many types of support available, including therapy and women’s groups. (See the Bibliography for ideas.) Remember you are not alone.

  You have been using painful relationships to hide from the true pain of your feelings for a long, long time. It is scary to uncover the raw emotions under your surface, but remember that feelings are your friends. No matter how challenging dealing with feelings is, be kind to yourself on your journey. Your own self-support is essential. It sustains you as the next chapter takes you to the highest level of emotional maturity—giving up control.

  ∙9∙

  Letting Go of

  Control

  Chapter 9 will increase your ability to give up control in intimate relationships. You will learn how to embrace your behavior with others, how to abstain from trying to change people, and how to legalize all potential partners. Letting go of control is the most difficult part of emotional maturity, but you can do it! Each release of control will bring you closer to a wonderful life-mate who can meet your needs.

  Day 244

  Control

  I let go of control.

  “With all the energy I have directed into trying to control potential partners and obsessing on them, I could probably have been President of the United States!”―Carolina

  Holding the reins on people takes energy and power that we could be using in healthy ways, it doesn’t feel good, and it can only be done for so long. Because holding on has seemed to be the only way for us to feel safe, though, letting go of control can be very unsettling. What most of us don’t know is that letting go of control does not mean that we give up our power; in fact, healing teaches us that we have the ability to do all the necessary footwork to get our needs met. But ultimately we know that the results are not ours to control.

  Emotionally available people know that
letting go opens the hands to receive. It gives us the choice to let in all the love that’s available in the universe. Today we let go of ruthless control that doesn’t give us the ultimate satisfactions we desire. Now we try something else: letting go of control and surrendering to the process knowing we will get what we need.

  Today I am comfortable letting go of control.

  Day 245

  Growth

  I am growing emotionally mature.

  “Growth is the opposite of control.”―Anonymous

  When we hold on so tight, we are not growing. Whenever we need to be right, need to feel in power over what is happening to us in our partnership, or need to control our responses to our partner, that is a sure sign that our issues have popped up.

  To heal we need to grow; however, the only time we grow is when we let go of control around partnership. It can seem exceedingly scary to many of us to let go of control, because growth is painful. Most of us have never fully grown up, so the growing pains of being emotionally mature present major challenges. Many of us still act like adolescents around potential life-mates. That small part of us is balking all the way whenever we attempt new ways of emotionally relating to a potential partner. Today we do not give up, though. We know that we are getting better with each release of control. We are becoming emotionally available.

  Today I let go of control and choose to grow.

  Day 246

  Changing My Behavior

  I completely let go of the goal of changing my behavior around potential partners.

  As we get clearer about our own emotional issues and healing, self-observation of our behavior is invaluable. We see that our behavior always makes perfect sense, even if it mortifies us or confuses us. If we are running away from available people, choosing people who hurt us, or are taking on too many commitments to have a relationship, we stop trying to change. This does not mean that our behavior is always desirable or effective in the scope of our long-range goals; however, today we make the decision to observe our own behavior without changing it. Now we know that no matter how we are acting around people, all behavior is OK.