The Emotionally Available Partner

by Marian Lindner

  Day 309

  Personal Independence

  I celebrate my personal independence.

  Autonomy represents a tremendous symbol to us. We are independent, even when we are in a relationship. We do need to be interdependent with a partner and with the world about us; however, many of us have gone to extremes and been codependent on our partners in our pasts. Interdependency means that we share our gifts, talents, resources and abilities with others, while we let them share with us. Codependency means that we use people almost like a drug or fix to distract us from our pain, our feelings, and our lives.

  Today we no longer need to hide behind another person through codependency. We are miraculous, strong, independent creatures. Being personally independent within a relationship gives us a greater grounding in our own strength. As we gradually become better able to share with a potential partner, rather than trying to see what we can get from them, we experience freedom.

  Today I am personally independent.

  Day 310

  Good Things

  I honor my goodness.

  Choosing unavailable people means that we focus on our flaws, rather than on the many good things that we have to offer a partner; at a basic level, we don’t feel good enough for an available partner. Today let’s change our minds by taking some time to honor the good things in ourselves. Whether we are adorable, loving, fun, intelligent, affectionate, witty, or playful, have a gentle energy, a quick mind, are great dancers, or are adventurous, we now see that we each have special qualities that make us desirable to others.

  This is the time to explore what it is about us that is special. When we accept ourselves, our self-love helps us to see that an available person is waiting to love us.

  Today I notice many good things in myself.

  Day 311

  Healing

  I heal my heart.

  “Healing is different than curing. It produces beautiful results.”―Anonymous

  Healing means that an ailment is brought to an end. When we are healed, we are free from a disorder. Curing suggests an antidote, a method, or a course of remedial treatment. While both healing and curing are necessary to address our partnership issues, and while a cure seems desirable, healing is a holistic approach to regaining our balance.

  Healing is hard and sometimes hurts, though. It is the longer route to freedom. In fact, when a wound is healing it sometimes itches, is painful, and takes a lot of focus. When we heal, we wonder when we will ever get better. We wish we could just take a pill or get a shot to figure this partnership stuff out; however, the healing process of life is miraculous in itself. Physical wounds do heal on our bodies. Our emotional wounds around partnership will heal too.

  As we heal, we learn that the real cure for us is not another person or a relationship. The only cure is to do the healing work and celebrate every step of the process. Although the results may look different than we think they should, and we may not experience healing on our timetables, the process does work. We are making our way to the other side!

  For this day only I trust that my partnership issues are healing.

  Day 312

  Life on Life’s Terms

  I trust in myself to live life on life’s terms with potential partners.

  “What contract did you sign?”―Marilyn

  Many of us expect the fairy tale perfection of a relationship without being willing to do the work involved to sustain or nurture that partnership. Our culture promotes the “happily ever after” scenario. We don’t usually see the background effort that contributes to a working partnership. If we saw behind other people’s successful relationships, we would clearly see that both the partners work hard to maintain a healthy working relationship.

  Feeding love takes work. The pay off from learning to be right-sized and to love as a normal partner, in addition to a working relationship, is that we get to do the work every day. The work of a relationship itself is the gift. As we participate in actions that build, sustain, and constantly renew our love, we appreciate the discipline of showing up. We didn’t sign a contract that said life would be easy around people and relationships; however, we are assured of great rewards from resolving our partnership issues.

  Today I joyfully take action to contribute to a working partnership.

  Day 313

  Pursuit

  I pursue life passionately.

  Life is not about struggle; life is about pleasure. We may have had challenging and disheartening experiences in the past with partnership, but that time is over now. Today we assert our belief that life is about joy, not sorrow. If there are experiences we would like to try, we envision what it would be like to try these out. If there are potential partners that we want to connect with, we take positive steps to getting closer. If there are ways we would like to contribute, we offer our skills.

  We were put on this earth to enjoy ourselves. Today is the day to go after our dreams and aspirations with the sure knowledge that amazing things will happen to us. When we contribute to the universe even a little bit and explore all the richness available to us, we are pursuing life positively.

  Today I pursue life with joy and happiness.

  Day 314

  Freedom

  I choose freedom.

  Journeying through this process gives us freedom from the obsession with potential partners, freedom from fear of others, freedom from the “shoulds” of our society, freedom from believing we did something to drive another person away, freedom from hurting ourselves, freedom from missing out on great available people, and freedom from self-hatred. Today we choose to be free.

  Freedom takes practice and hard work, yet freedom does occur as a result of walking this path. We are worth all the effort this healing process takes because our freedom will in turn free others. There are many examples of women who have healed their partnership issues. As we walk this path, we become lights to others on the journey too.

  Today I know that freedom is my birthright.

  Day 315

  Adornment

  I adorn myself to please myself and my partner.

  Our culture is obsessed with appearance. Women often feel less than if we are not perfect, immaculate, or at least in fashion. Being in balance, though, means a withdrawal from the competition. Healing means that we focus on what pleases us and what is pleasing to the individual we love. Re-conceptualizing appearance as a way to please another person allows us to be more moderate and giving.

  In our world, women have been taught to be one-sided around appearance. We may have learned that it is somehow wrong to want to please our partner with our appearance, that we need to please a person with our appearance in order to “hold them,” or that we should only please ourselves. Whatever our past history around appearance; healing means that we adorn ourselves for mutual pleasure because it pleases us to make ourselves and a person we love happy.

  Today I see appearance as a vehicle of love. I adorn myself for pleasure.

  Day 316

  Beauty

  I am beautiful inside and out.

  Adornment, flowers, the use of products to enhance our features, sensual fragrances, and wonderfully textured clothes can be pleasurable. For centuries many women have enjoyed a special interest in beauty. Today beauty may take a lot of our focus. Doing things to make ourselves beautiful feels good; it is only when our obsession with beauty as a way to entice, trap, or hold a partner takes over that we are in danger.

  Our culture bombards us daily with images of standardized feminine beauty. Those pictures don’t tell the whole truth, though. For instance, while our models are lovely, most people agree that a woman who is skin and bones is not someone they want to hold at night when there is the opportunity to be with a soft, warm woman.

  As we heal our partnership issues, we know that beauty comes in many forms. Now we determine what beauty means to us. Our inner essence is as beautiful as our outer appearance; therefore, today we tend to our inner selves just a
s we tend to our physical beauty.

  Today I embrace all of my beauty.

  Day 317

  Positive Changes

  I have the ability to make positive changes.

  The great myth of “coupledom” promotes the idea that when we meet “The One,” we can fulfill our dreams. Positive changes stem from inside, though, and changes can be very simple to enact. Today is the day to check in and ask questions. Ask, “What are my dreams and desires? Do I long to live in the country, to travel to distant lands, to explore new career options, to get a pet? What changes can I make today that would bring more positive energy into my life?”

  Reading this book is making a positive change in our day. Now we go even farther. Let’s devote a few more minutes today to exploring positive changes we can implement in our lives for the next 24 hours, whether these are simple steps or elaborate visions of change.

  Today I make positive changes in my life.

  Day 318

  Success

  I am a success.

  We are a success today, simply because we are healing. Now we know that each relationship that we have been in has brought us here where we have the courage to look our issues in the face. Our problems with partnership are not here to punish or immobilize us. In fact, the challenges recur powerfully until we learn the lessons that they have to teach us.

  Success means seeing the gifts that our past relationships have brought us. Success means noting all the gifts we have been given by the people in our lives. If challenges with a partner deepened our spirituality, if we learned what we don’t want in a life-mate, if we received kindness or miracles, all our partnerships have taught us lessons. Today we know that all of the gifts that we have received ensure our healing.

  Today I am a success because I see the gift of all my joy and pain with people.

  Day 319

  Sex

  I know that sex can heal me.

  Sex is powerful. It is wonderful, fantastic, charged, awesome, freeing, and healing. People in general have very complicated relationships to sex, and women in particular have been inundated with cultural messages about the significance of sex. All humans have sex, though. The purposes of sex are pleasure and to procreate if we choose to.

  Sexual energy can also be considered a divine gift made for communing with our Higher Power. For instance, the ancient Indian practice of Tantra, the grandfather of Hatha Yoga, considers the sexual union of partners as a practice which can lead to enlightenment for the couple. (See the Bibliography for resources.)

  No matter what sexual path we take, bottom line let’s remember that sex is good and natural. Whatever methods of having sex, or not having it, that we want to engage in are fine as long as we are not hurting ourselves or someone else.

  I celebrate my sexuality today.

  Day 320

  Openness

  I open to my partner.

  Being stuck in our partnership issues is about being closed off, frozen, and unwilling to stretch. Choosing an emotionally available partner asks us to open to people, to relationships, and to our feelings. So what does openness really mean? Openness suggests the ability to expand, unfold, and spread out. A truly open person is accessible and available.

  When we open to a safe, appropriate person, the process is beautiful. We learn to heal with someone else. We use the experience of the partnership to reach deeper into love. The challenge of unfolding before another person is the fear of being hurt or unloved; however, there is nothing to fear anymore. By healing we protect ourselves and love ourselves no matter what. Now we are so good at meeting our own needs, we know for certain that we are taken care of in all ways. Then we can take the risk of opening.

  Today I open to my partner knowing that I am safe.

  Day 321

  The Banquet Table

  I eat from the banquet table.

  We don’t have to take crumbs today. The wealth of potential partners in the world provides an elaborate smorgasbord of people for us to choose from. Despite fearful assertions from various “authorities” and “experts” that there are not enough good people out there, today we know that many stellar individuals are available. We know that they want a partnership with a woman like us just as much as we want to connect with them. The banquet table has been set for us today. We don’t need to be afraid that we won’t get our fill.

  Now we know that denying ourselves the pleasure of sampling the types of people displayed on the table is no longer necessary. The range includes people of all ages, races, religions, professions, and physical descriptions. Today we try out what pleases us in potential partners with gusto.

  Today I sample all potential partners with pleasure from the banquet table.

  Day 322

  Kindness

  I am kind to my partner.

  Emotional availability is kind, gentle, mild, and sympathetic. Chances are when we were stuck, and sometimes still are, we have not acted with kindness. Now exploring what kindness means to us puts us on the path to resolving our partnership issues. True kindness is benevolence and consideration. The daily practice of kindness allows us to truly love a partner. The added benefit of practicing kindness is that we feel good about our behavior.

  When we are kind, good-will spreads everywhere. Today we choose kindness because it allows us to have the emotionally rich partnership we crave—an emotionally available relationship.

  Today I act lovingly as I interact with other people.

  Day 323

  Embracing

  I embrace all of my love experiences.

  The good, the bad, and the ugly, everything has been worthwhile. It has created this very moment. All the people in our lives have brought us gifts: knowledge of what we don’t want in a relationship, spirituality, intellectual growth, treasured friends, and kind thoughts.

  Every relationship has taught us valuable lessons that have shaped us. When we are in pain, are grieving a relationship, or are still angry at a person from our past, it seems impossible to be grateful for something that they have given us. For example, one woman’s prior partner was an avid traveler; they saw India, Nepal, and Asia together. She says that she would never have dared to travel to these exotic locations without him. She also realized from being with him how important an active and adventurous partner is to her. Even though he was not available emotionally, she received many gifts from being with him.

  Now looking back at the partners we have been with in the past, we clearly see the gift that each individual has given to us. Seeing the gift of all our pain and pleasure with people takes a lot of acceptance, yet holding these gifts close helps us round out our future love experiences.

  Today I see the gift of every experience I have had with partnership.

  Day 324

  Play

  I love to play.

  When we are healing and focusing on our partnership issues with real clarity, perhaps for the first time in our lives, it can seem like all work and no play. Play and enjoyment are the most important elements of true healing, though. Without play we become dull perfectionists who just want to do this thing right, “gosh darn it.” Today we know that play is essential to the well lived life.

  Now we use all of our creative power to bring fun into our lives. Whether playing means watching a silly movie with friends, hosting a games night, going to the comedy club, frolicking on the beach with a dog, or giving a child a hug, today we indulge in play in order to lighten our process. Now we remember why we want to partner an emotionally available person—so that we can love.

  Today I use my creative power in order to play.

  Day 325

  Completion

  I am a complete person.

  When we are stuck in our partnership issues, we believe that we need a partner to connect us to the whole. We fear that we are separated from other people. The truth is that we are not separate; we are all interconnected. A partner can complement us; however, we do not need another person to fulfill us
. Our healing process teaches us that we are complete right now.

  By honoring ourselves and the miracle of who we are, we know that we are complete. We don’t need a partner to fulfill us. Now we uncover that complete person within us and sustain positive, healthy, loving relationships.

  Today I celebrate my wholeness, and honor who I am.

  Day 326

  Uniqueness

  I maintain my uniqueness.

  It can be a challenge for those of us on this path, as for most women, to respect our uniqueness. Society and the media promote a cookie-cutter ideal of the feminine. As we progress and look close up at society’s images of women as if they were in a science experiment, however, we often discover that we don’t even find the images society designates for us appealing.

  Freedom comes when we decide what we honor about being a woman. Seeking out our uniqueness and defining what our femininity looks like helps us to love ourselves. Today we search out the features we each possess that make us adorable and precious: qualities like enjoying eating with our hands, walking barefoot on a deserted beach, or delighting in a child’s smile.

  By searching out that which makes us unique individuals, we learn that our special gifts are drawing a loving, available partnership to each of us. Emotional availability knows that we are all special and precious; now we use each day as an opportunity to honor those parts of us that make us individuals.

  Today I explore who I am as a woman. I celebrate my uniqueness.

  Day 327

  Dreams

  I honor the dreams in my heart and soul.

  Our fears of partnership have often taken us far off course from seeing our dreams fulfilled. That is one of the real consequences of our issues. Today, though, we have the opportunity to start living our dreams. Whether our dreams involve job, lifestyle, or travel changes, this is the day to honor our heart’s desire.