Underneath the Sycamore Tree

by Celeste, B.

  There’s a tick to his jaw. “You shouldn’t have to do that at all.”

  “What should I do then, Kaiden?” I ask, genuinely curious. “We’re human. We say mean, hurtful things. We’re naïve. We’re cruel. When you’re in my shoes, something I hope you never are, you see life differently. You stop taking every day for granted because you have absolutely no clue if you’ll wake up the next morning. That may sound harsh, but it’s true.”

  “Don’t say that,” he all but growls under his breath.

  I raise my hands up in surrender. “You want the truth? It’s not pretty, is it? I watched Lo slip away, but there’s a big difference between witnessing and experiencing something. She never showed her pain or fear if she could help it. Instead, she acted like it couldn’t get to her until…”

  “It did,” he finishes.

  I nod silently.

  “Are you afraid?”

  Every single second, minute, and hour.

  I whisper, “Wouldn’t you be?”

  He could pretend he’s strong, act like nothing can touch him, but I see through him. He hurts. His father’s death still affects him. The possibility of losing his mother, even me, terrifies him. Any of us could pretend like we’re invincible and put up a front in the public eye, but behind our masks are tear-stricken faces.

  Instead of answering, he rests his arms on the table and studies the room. “There have been a few deaths at Exeter. One of them was from cancer. Remember what Rachel told you on the first day? There was a girl who had Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. She’d been battling it for most of her life, but it kept coming back. It got worse her sophomore year and she ended up passing away around homecoming. There was a huge ceremony and dedication to her.”

  I frown. “That’s so sad.”

  He nods once. “Riley…” His voice gets raspy, so he clears it. “Riley was an old friend of mine. She was real, but she had a lot of problems nobody could help her with. Not even me. Shit, if I had known what she planned…” He stops, taking a deep breath. “People gave her shit when they found out about her disorder. No. They always messed with her. She used to be overweight, so the bullying started then. I always heard her talk about how much she wanted to lose weight so they’d leave her alone, and when she started to, she seemed happier. I didn’t know that she was starving herself to do it. Not until I realized she’d skip lunch or not snack after school like she used to. When I brought it up, she’d eat like it was no big deal.

  “And then the rumors started about her throwing up at school. She’d been caught a few times by some girls who told everyone. At that point, she’d lost so much weight she looked like a walking corpse. She would eat and then disappear, but I never believed she was purging…”

  His nostrils flare. “I should have done something about it, but nobody listened to me back then like they do now. I would tell people to stop screwing with her, but few people listened. Then some teachers heard the rumors and contacted her parents, and it spiraled. She couldn’t take the negative attention anymore.”

  I hold my breath when I hear the sadness weighing down his words. “Kaiden?”

  Our food comes and gets set in front of us, feeding the intensity of the moment. When the waitress disappears, Kaiden’s eyes meet mine.

  “She committed suicide.”

  My lips part.

  I notice the slightest tremble of his hand resting on the table, so I reach over and put my hand on top of his. He stares like he doesn’t know what’s happening, then flips his palm and wraps his fingers around mine.

  Ignoring the delicious smell of the food in front of us, I ask, “Is that why you’re set on stopping people from giving me crap at school?”

  “I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

  I give him an appreciative smile.

  He huffs, letting go of my hand. “Guess it doesn’t matter much, does it?”

  My smile disappears.

  No. I guess it doesn’t.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Christmas is in a couple of weeks. Dad and Cam ask to talk to me after dinner one night, so I stay behind while Kaiden goes upstairs to get ready for another movie night.

  Sometimes I wish I could read Dad better, because his features almost never change. “What is this about? Did I do something?”

  Cam’s eyes widen. “Oh! No, it’s nothing like that. Your father and I were just thinking about plans for the holidays. Usually we do a family dinner here. You know, a big lunch after opening presents and all that. It’s tradition to have the entire family here for it.”

  Fighting the urge to wince over the idea of their entire family doing this every year, I stare at the placemat on the table. It’s white with snowmen and reindeer on it.

  Had Dad ever mentioned inviting me to their celebration? Whenever we’d talk around the holidays, he’d just wish me a good one and tell me he sent my present. It was always a gift card to Amazon, which I always took the longest to spend because I hated using anything he gave me.

  Dad brings me back. “We were wondering if you had plans to go to your mother’s house for the holidays.”

  “Not that we don’t want you here,” Cam jumps in, smiling at me. “In fact, we were hoping you’d spend it with us. I think Kaiden would love that. You two get along so well.”

  If they only knew how well.

  “Uh…I haven’t really talked to her about it,” I admit, squirming. Grandma called me the other day after I spent some time texting Mama, asking me what we had planned here. When I told her I wasn’t sure, she didn’t push it.

  “Do you think she’d want to come?” Cam asks excitedly. “Your grandmother too, of course. It could be good for them to see you here. You could show them your room.”

  My eyes cut to Dad. He looks a little uncomfortable, but nowhere near as much as I feel. “I think it’s a good idea,” he admits.

  I blink a few times. “You…what?”

  He takes a deep breath. “Your mother and I haven’t been on great terms for obvious reasons. We have our differences, but we also have you. If you want to spend your Christmas with them, we’ll understand. However, if you’d consider staying here to spend it with us, the invite is extended to them. That way you can see all of us on the same day.”

  I’m not sure what to say. Dad and Mama in the same room after all these years? Grandma never has anything bad to say about him, but I know she loves Mama. I can’t say she blames him for how she is, but I don’t rule it out.

  “Do you think…I mean is that a good idea?” I doubt, frowning. “You and Mama haven’t spoken in a long time, right? She’s not the same person you knew.”

  Cam rubs Dad’s arm. “We spoke to your mother last night. Your father left the invitation open in case she wanted to come. She’s welcome here anytime, Em. I hope you know that.”

  I stare.

  Dad straightens. “Cam is right. Your mother and I will always have a past, but you’re important to both of us. She can come here and visit. I know it’s quite a drive, but it might be good for all of us to be together for Christmas.”

  “Mama and you?”

  “And you.”

  “Like…in the same room?”

  He chuckles, which sounds so foreign coming from someone as serious as him. “Yes, Emery. In fact, she seemed interested in the idea. Your grandmother thinks it’ll be good.”

  “Fun,” Cam corrected. “She said it would be fun. She even said she looked forward to seeing Kaiden again.”

  I sink in my chair. They had no idea he’d gone to see me until we arrived back together a day earlier than I was supposed to return. Dad looked suspicious and Cam looked happier than ever. Neither said anything about it though.

  “Yeah, Grandma liked him,” I mutter.

  Dad grumbles.

  “So they’re coming?” I ask.

  “That’s up to you,” he replies, shoulders pulled back. “Your mother and I agreed that it would be your decision. We won’t mind whatever you choose.”
r />   Did I want to spend Christmas there?

  No.

  It’s a brutal admission, but one I can’t help but make. Mama and I talk more than before, but it’s still strained. She only calls once every couple of weeks to tell me how support group is going or to share stories from work about the excuses that kids make to try getting out of class just to nap in the nurse’s office. We text more times than not, and the replies are sporadic.

  Christmas all together? I should be happy for them offering, but jealousy settles into my chest over them thinking of this now. Where was our invitation before I moved? Did they think I wouldn’t want to come? Did they even think about me beyond the usual gift card purchase?

  Pressing my lips together, I will myself to take a calming breath and exhale through my nose. “It could be good. I miss them.”

  Cam’s smile grows.

  Dad remains stoic. “Are you sure?”

  Are you?

  “Yeah,” I choke out, shrugging. “I think Christmas here will be fun. Different.”

  Not knowing what else to say, I ask to be excused. There’s a warm bed and new movie waiting for me upstairs. It beats this conversation a million times over.

  They tell me goodnight.

  When I get upstairs, Kaiden’s smirk is what I’m greeted with. “Something tells me this Christmas is going to be the most interesting one we’ve had yet.”

  “Eavesdropping much,” I mumble, grabbing my pajamas and heading toward the bathroom.

  His laugh is what I’m greeted with as I close the bathroom door.

  I wake up to the caress of warm kisses down my shoulder and back from where I sleep on my stomach. Still groggy from sleep, I unwrap my arms from the pillow I’m hugging and turn onto my side.

  Kaiden stares down at me from where he’s propped up on his elbow. Blinking, I look over at the glow of my alarm clock, yawning when I see it’s only three in the morning. My head rests on the pillow with a sleepy smile gracing my face.

  “Why are you up?”

  “Couldn’t sleep.”

  “Hmm.”

  He grins and leans down, brushing our lips together. We haven’t done anything more than kiss since break. Sometimes his hands will roam, but they never go far. The most courageous I’ve ever gotten was sliding my hands under his shirt to feel his muscled stomach during one of our make out sessions.

  This feels different though. There’s electricity in the room as he pulls me under him and explores my mouth. Every time his tongue does something, mine mimics him.

  He touches my side.

  I touch his.

  He slides his palm under my shirt.

  I slide mine under his.

  Before I know it, the kiss grows deeper. He groans when I arch up the same time he lowers down. His weight feels welcoming, his body heat radiating into me.

  I wrap my arms around his neck as he nips my bottom lip before trailing kisses down my jaw and neck. His hands push him up so he’s not crushing me, one of them trailing down my side and then sliding underneath my shirt and he moves back up.

  “Is this okay?” he whispers against the crook of my neck.

  I swallow, eyes closed from his palm against my belly button. “Yes.”

  He kisses my neck before moving his palm up further, making me shiver as he gets closer to my breast. I stopped caring about wearing a bra to bed. Sometimes I’ll catch Kaiden staring at my chest, and it makes me feel confident. Pretty. Wanted.

  His thumb brushes the underside of my bare breast, causing me to suck in a breath. He takes the moment to kiss me again, his tongue flicking against mine before he cups my breast in his hand.

  We both groan at the same time, my eyes rolling in the back of my head when he squeezes me and then brushes my hard nipple with the pad of his thumb. I kiss him harder, tightening my arms around him and arching my pelvis up to meet his. Our breaths get heavier as he grinds against the spot I need the most friction, his palm moving from one breast to the other until I’m writhing under him.

  “Kaiden,” I whisper, burying my face in his chest when his pelvis grinds faster into me.

  He lowers onto his elbows, kissing me softly in every angle possible before pulling back and staring down at me. His palm rests below my bust, his eyes studying mine.

  “What are we doing?” I ask, unsure of what’s going to happen next.

  He bites down on his bottom lip before pulling his hand out from under my shirt. “We can stop—”

  “No!” I blurt, before blushing deeply.

  His shoulders shake with laughter, which makes me cover my face with my palms. “Hey, don’t hide. We can do whatever you want. Or nothing at all.”

  I peek at him through my fingers. “I’m no good at this, Kaiden. You have way more experience than I do.”

  “How do you know?”

  I eye him. “Don’t act like you’re an angelic virgin. It’s embarrassing enough to admit that I’m one.”

  He brushes hair away from my face. “I don’t want you to be embarrassed, Em. Trust me, I know plenty of girls at school who brag about how many guys they bag. It’s not attractive.”

  I scoff. “And what? Virgins are?”

  His shoulder’s lift. “It’s hotter than knowing someone let’s literally anyone between their legs. To be the one person you trust enough to get intimate with, that shit is special. Flattering, even. And I’m not saying that just so you’ll let me go that far with you. I’m being honest.”

  I blink, gnawing on my inner cheek. “I feel like it won’t be good for you.”

  He pecks my lips. “Mouse, you don’t have to worry about that. If or when we get to that point, it’ll be good for both of us.”

  Blushing, I wiggle under him. “What if I want that point to be now?”

  I hear the shift in his breath.

  My shaky hand goes to his face. “Let’s be honest, Kaiden. I don’t like people knowing about my health. It takes too much effort to get anyone to understand what it’s like. I know you’ve done research, and you’re careful with me. I…I know that first times hurt. I know it may hurt me more because of my condition. But the pain has been minimal lately and I don’t know how long it’ll last.”

  His Adam’s apple bobs. “What exactly are you saying? I need you to spell this out for me so we’re on the same page.”

  Locking eyes with him, I raise up and kiss his lips. “I want you to be my first, Kaiden. There’s nobody else I trust with it.”

  I think he stops breathing.

  Waiting for his reply kills me, because he could decide he doesn’t want this. Or that he thinks we should wait. Or that I’m too fragile.

  After what feels like an eternity, he asks, “You’ll tell me to stop if it gets to be too much?”

  Licking my lips, I nod.

  He studies me, brushing his thumb against my cheek before nodding back. “I haven’t slept with anyone since before you moved here.”

  My eyes widen. “But Rachel…”

  Shaking his head, he kisses me again. “I just said that to mess with you. I’m an asshole, remember? I do stupid shit.”

  “Do you think this is stupid?” I hate how vulnerable I sound, but it’s a question worth asking.

  “Sleeping with my stepsister?” he replies, unblinking. “Probably. Sleeping with Emery Matterson? A fighter? Someone who’s strong and resilient and doesn’t give in to my bullshit? No. I don’t think that’s stupid at all.”

  His words warm my heart, but not as much as when he grabs my hand gently and interweaves our fingers together. Squeezing gently, he kisses me, trailing his lips across my cheek and to the shell of my ear.

  “I think,” he whispers, his breath tickling me until I shiver, “that this is beyond us. It makes sense. Probably more sense than anything else.”

  “Why?”

  “Because we fit together.”

  We do?

  “Don’t you feel it?” he murmurs, nipping at my earlobe.

  My chest fills.

>   My stomach flutters.

  Yes, I want to say. I’ve felt it for months.

  “I need to get a condom.”

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Nerves get the better of me when he’s hovering over me with wandering hands. I’m hyperaware of the foil packet beside us on the mattress, and I know where it goes and what it’s for. I never thought I’d ever see one or experience this though.

  “Get out of your head,” he tells me, pushing up to meet my eyes.

  My palms rest against his waist. “I can’t help it. I know what’s going to happen and I keep thinking I’m going to mess it up. You know, do something stupid.”

  He chuckles, reaching up and brushing hair out of my face. “What do you think you’re going to do?”

  “I…” I don’t know.

  He kisses me, tasting me slowly, before pulling away slightly. “I promise you’re not going to mess this up. There’s no way you can. So stop overthinking and tell me what you want.”

  What I want?

  His hands travel down my body leisurely, resting just below my navel. His thumb brushes the elastic of my pajama pants until a heat rises between my legs and makes me squirm. “Where do you feel you want me, Mouse?”

  My lips part, then close.

  His thumb dips under the band, tracing my skin. “Am I getting close?”

  I let out a tiny noise that sounds both desperate and nervous. His lips dip to the crook of my neck, kissing and sucking and licking until I arch into him. He makes an approving noise, but when his hand moves away I protest.

  “What do you want, Emery?” he asks against my skin, nipping my collarbone and then my shoulder. “Tell me with words.”

  Fluttering my eyelids for a moment, I grasp his soft cotton shirt and pull it up. “I want your shirt off.”

  He reaches behind him and yanks it off by the collar, throwing it on the floor. “Done. What else?”

  My heart flips in my chest as I trace the slight ripples of his toned stomach. He shivers when I glide my palms up his body, resting them on his shoulders. His skin is soft and warm and flawless. The corded muscles in his arms pop from holding himself up over me, and I trace them too with my finger until his eyes close and his breathing hitches.