Underneath the Sycamore Tree

by Celeste, B.

  I push his arm. “She practically called you hot, so I’m not surprised.” When we’re closed in my room, I sit cross legged on the bed and toy with my shirt sleeve. “Why wouldn’t you let me talk to them? That seemed like a vital time to announce I heard everything.”

  He sighs and sits down next to me, flicking a piece of hair on my shoulder. “Your dad said he was going to tell you, so let him come to you.”

  “But tell me what?”

  He grins. “It’s the curiosity that you hate, isn’t it?”

  Staring at the wrinkles of the comforter, I shrug loosely. “When you live every day not knowing what’s going to happen, how you’re going to feel, you crave answers. If I knew for a fact I’d wake up tomorrow pain free with tons of energy, I’d do things I can’t when I’m too tired to lift the blankets off my body or walk from the bed to the bathroom. I’d get my nails done because it wouldn’t hurt for the technician to touch my fingers or bend my hand the way she’d need to. I’d dye my hair a stupid color that I’d probably regret because it wouldn’t fall out or burn from the sensitivity.

  “It kills me not to be a normal eighteen year old. I should be graduating like you are, but I was held back for missing too much school. I should start considering college, but I have no idea if…” I take a deep breath. “Who knows if college is in my future, you know? Going to class now is hard. Finding the energy for college classes, which is way more work, would probably be too difficult.”

  His jaw ticks. “You don’t know that for sure. If there’s anyone who should go to college, it’s you. You love school for whatever reason, so start researching ones you’d love to check out. I don’t want to hear any of that other bullshit.”

  Drawing my knees to my chest, I shake my head and meet his stern eyes. “I love that you think it’s that simple, Kaiden. It’s not though. And why are you going to Colgate instead of one of the others that made offers to you. I’m sure it’s not too late to change your mind. If they want you for their team, they’d probably make an exception if early admission is closed.”

  “We’re not talking about—”

  “Yes, we are,” I cut him off, reaching for his hand. He doesn’t move away like I expect him to, but weaves our fingers together instead like it’s his default mode. “I know you do just fine at school, but sports have always meant more than academics. You love lacrosse and I hear you’re amazing at it. At least that’s what the entire school seems to think.”

  A grin appears on his face, washing away the seriousness from a moment ago. “And the three trophies with our school name on them don’t hurt.”

  I smile at him. “Does Colgate have a better team than the other ones?”

  He hesitates. “No.”

  “So why choose them?”

  His shoulders draw back. “Mouse—”

  “If I had the chance, I’d move,” I admit, squeezing his hand. “I would see the world. I’ve always wanted to move to Virginia, did you know that? Sometimes I even go to the University of Virginia’s website and look at their campus pictures and study the program listings. I’ll pretend I’m one of the students posing while the camera snaps pictures of the quad or library. You know I’d spend a lot of time there, reading, studying, you name it.”

  “Then go to Virginia.”

  “And what about you?” I prod.

  He doesn’t answer.

  Letting go of his hand, I give him my best serious face. “Kaiden, not all of us are so lucky in life. We have to accept what we’re given. At best, I could attend school online. There’s less stress about missing class and failing because of poor attendance or not getting the notes from lectures. I wouldn’t have to worry about walking across the huge campus on days where it hurts to stand, or get trapped in a dorm with someone who doesn’t understand that I’m sick and need lots of sleep. I know what’s best for me. What will work. You need to figure out what that is for you.”

  His lips part, and then close.

  I brush his arm with my hand. “If you could go anywhere without anything holding you back, where would it be?”

  The hopeless romantic in me wants him to say, wherever you are, but the truth is that he may not be able to go where I end up.

  So, I’m thankful when he quietly answers, “Maryland.”

  Christmas Day brings a fresh snowstorm that blankets everything in white. It takes Dad a little longer to get Mama and Grandma here, but when they arrive, breakfast is on the table waiting, along with homemade hot chocolate.

  Without asking, Dad turns the television on to A Christmas Story, an old tradition of our own that we’ve had every year. The movie plays all day on the same channel, background noise for present opening and lunch digesting. I always fall asleep to it while a small smile tugs on my face for Ralphie and his gun.

  Mama kisses my cheek before sitting down beside me to eat, even though she kept saying she wasn’t hungry. I think she feels weird being around Cam, not that Cam has shown anything other than hospitality to her. I guess I’d feel strange to seeing my ex-husband with his new family.

  It was weird enough seeing my father interact with them knowing he left the very same thing behind.

  But did he?

  After breakfast, we make our way into the living room for presents. Kaiden and I sit beside each other on the floor, and everyone else sits on the couches and chairs. Dad passes the gifts out one by one, and after almost two hours, we’re all watching the movie and arguing over Die Hard being considered a holiday movie.

  The answer is no, but of course Dad always has to differ. Even Kaiden cracks up when he hears Dad’s reasoning, which is the first time Kaiden has even smiled when Dad is involved.

  Maybe Christmas miracles are a thing.

  A little before mid-afternoon hits, Mama asks if she can talk to me. Dad glances between us, eyeing Mama like he’s telling her not to chicken out of the conversation.

  Biting my lip, I nod and follow her into the kitchen.

  “I know you were listening,” she starts, giving me a small smile. “Mother’s intuition, I suppose. Although, it’s not always the best gut instinct to go on.”

  “What do you mean?”

  She wets her lips and glances behind her at the open archway. The movie is restarting and the lingering conversations are still easily heard, especially Cam’s light laughter.

  “When your father admitted he wasn’t in love with me anymore, I was hurt.” She takes a deep breath and nods slowly. “Even though I knew it was coming, it didn’t make hearing him say it out loud any easier. I was so angry over him not putting in the effort even when he was there. It seemed like living with us was a chore to him, one that he preferred avoiding by staying at work later and later.

  “I won’t get into the details of what I thought, maybe even suspected, but our separation was a sure thing. When he asked for a divorce, I let my emotions get the better of me. I told him if he couldn’t bother with his children when he still lived there, then there was no reason to bother with them when he left. Honestly, I thought it was for the best anyway. He wasn’t the one who noticed Lo’s symptoms or behavior changes. He wasn’t there for the appointments. He always had an excuse. So, I took away the opportunity for him to make it up.”

  It’s hard to breathe as I stare at the woman sitting beside me. She’s still, tight, like she knows what she did harmed so many people in the process.

  “Years,” I finally choke out. “You made him stay away all this time? When I cried and asked why Dad left, you never had anything to say about it. Why would you do that?”

  She struggles meeting my eyes. “We do bad things when we’re upset, Emery. Our decisions are driven by emotion, and I let my hurt get the better of me.”

  “Did you tell him not to call more?”

  She closes her eyes. “Yes.”

  “Did you tell him not to invite us to their holiday dinners?”

  A head nod.

  My nostrils flare. “You knew how I felt about him, Mama. I wa
s so angry that he didn’t want us. Why would any mother think it’s okay for their children to feel that kind of hatred?”

  She has no good response, so she remains silent. I bet if she looked up, I’d see golden orbs staring back. But I’m done with their color.

  “Do you regret it?” I ask.

  “More than you know,” she finally says, reaching out for my hand. “Sunshine, I live with so many regrets. They’ve become so hard to bear. Between your father, Logan, you—”

  “Don’t you dare act like you lost me!” I stand up, pushing my chair away. “You were the one who practically forced me to go. How many times did you call me Logan? Or cry yourself to sleep before dinner? I get that things were hard, but you weren’t alone. Grandma lost a granddaughter and I lost my twin! We all felt the loss. Not just you.”

  She drops her face into her hands, nodding because she knows I’m right. “I see that now. Group has helped me understand how wrong I was to act how I did. I’m so, so sorry, baby girl. If I could do it all over, I would.”

  I stare at her for a long time, unsure of how to respond. “Would it be worth it though? I think leaving the house was always what was best for me, and if by some miraculous occurrence we got a redo, I’m not sure I’d take it. Why relive Lo’s death all over again? Even if we could choose how to respond differently, I never would have made it here and experienced what having a family is like.”

  I think of Cam’s willingness to help.

  Dad’s silent protection.

  Kaiden. Just…Kaiden.

  “I miss you guys.” Even knowing what Mama did, I miss the good memories and the familiarity that my hometown brings. I miss the Sunday drives and the stupid traditions. I miss being picked on by Lo’s friends for not being just like my twin.

  But I know deep in my chest, without a shadow of a doubt, I’d miss it here more.

  I’d miss the banter.

  I’d miss the movie nights.

  I’d miss the late night cuddles.

  Kaiden annoys me and cares for me and gets under my skin in every way possible. We’re family, sure, but we’re friends too. If there was ever a time I could plan the future, I’d risk everything to make us even more.

  That’s not how my life works though.

  Kaiden will go to Maryland.

  I’ll be here.

  “I wouldn’t redo anything, Mama.”

  She blinks up at me.

  “Because we can’t change anything.”

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  The metal bleachers are uncomfortable to sit still on while I watch boys in running shorts and baggy muscle shirts sprint across the gym. Mr. Jefferson didn’t want me coming in during practice, but Kaiden said something to him that made Coach grumble before waving me off to the side. Honestly, I wouldn’t have minded going to the library and doing some reading in chairs that didn’t make my tailbone hurt. I promised Kaiden I’d watch him though, and the smile he graced me with made the discomfort worth it.

  After the first half hour of practice, Jefferson changed up their drills. I tried following along to the things he yelled from the sidelines, but got lost almost instantly. It reminds me of the times I would sit next to Dad while he watched football. To me, it was a bunch of men running after a ball in tight pants. Dad loved it though.

  When the boys were split into teams, I watched Kaiden in his element. It didn’t take long to see why everyone said he was one of the best players the school had. He dominated the floor, flying past his opponents and making the most goals.

  At almost four, I get up to go to the bathroom, slipping out while Kaiden battles it out with one of his buddies. I smile when I hear them banter before disappearing out the side door. Most of the people on the team are all friends, so watching them taunt each other makes me laugh. Kaiden may be formidable in the halls, but he’s the version I’m used to seeing when he’s playing.

  For the past few weeks, I’ve been having so much back pain that I psyched myself out enough to Google for answers. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t noticed slight spotting after peeing with no period following. Usually I refuse to use the internet to scour for answers, but worrying Dad and Cam seems pointless if I could talk myself down from the feeling in my gut that says something is off. The only thing that made sense was a possible bladder or kidney infection, so I asked Dad for vitamins and cranberry gummies and told him it was just something new I was trying.

  I keep telling myself they’ll help, but the blood still shows up and the pain, though tolerable half the time, is still present.

  I’m on my way back to the gym when I see Mr. Nichols walking down the hall. Smiling, I give him a small wave and hesitate at the gym door, noticing the boys in an intense match against each other like when I left.

  “Emery,” Nichols greets. He glances in the small window. “Ah, lacrosse season. Kaiden plays, doesn’t he?”

  I nod, rubbing my arm. “He’s my ride home, so I figured I’d watch him play since everyone says he’s so good.”

  “What’s your verdict?”

  Giving him a tiny smile, I shrug. “I’m not an expert in anything sports related, so I couldn’t say for sure. He makes a lot of goals, which I assume is the whole point.”

  He chuckles. “Not a sports fan, huh?”

  “Nope.”

  He watches the boys again, before turning back to me. “How have things been going? It seems strange not to have Book Club obligations after school.”

  “Seems like you’re still busy.” I gesture toward the stack of papers he must have had copied from the teacher’s lounge down the hall.

  “A teacher’s job never ends,” he muses.

  We fall to silence.

  I jab my thumb to the gymnasium door, clearing my throat. “I should probably get back in there before Kaiden thinks I ditched him.”

  Just as I pull the door open, he says, “I don’t know what you did, but he’s changed considerably. I hear the other teachers talk about his behavior. You’re good for him.”

  Blushing, I brush hair behind my ear. “I don’t think it’s me. Trust me, Kaiden is his own person.”

  He just smiles. “You don’t give yourself enough credit, Emery. I don’t believe in coincidences, and it sounds like he changed when you came here.”

  Waving it off, I try thinking of a reply that dismisses his assumption. “Maybe he just got tired of pretending to be someone he’s not. I hear that happens when you’re graduating.”

  He hums out a reply, seemingly not believing me. “Speaking of, what are your plans for next year?”

  My brows go up. “Oh, uh…” I make a face, toying with the partially opened door. “I haven’t really thought about it honestly.”

  “Have you considered taking a few college credited classes? I’m offering one for English and I know a few other teachers are too. It could help you get some General Education credits out of the way.”

  Licking my lips, I debate on what to tell him. That I’m not sure I’ll go to college? That I have no clue what I want to do? I would have to explain why I don’t plan things, and it’s not something I like diving into. He may be my favorite teacher, the one person who has been on my side since I started, but that doesn’t mean I want to tell him that my future is tomorrow, not next year. Not five years from now.

  “I’ll think about it,” I settle on, giving him the same smile I give everyone when I want them to believe me.

  Mr. Nichols seems appeased, because he can’t read my expression like Kaiden. He would know I’m full of it, maybe even thinking the worst.

  I wave Nichols goodbye and walk back into the gym. Kaiden glances at me from the sidelines, his hair a sweaty mess as he downs some water from his plastic bottle. Even from a distance, I notice the narrow slits of his eyes as they go from the door to my face. I just wave and settle back into my seat, ignoring the pain in my back and the ache in my joints.

  Stretching out my legs, I watch as their practice nears its end and the boys head
to the locker room. Sliding my backpack over my shoulder, I move off the bleachers and wait for Kaiden by the double doors.

  Jefferson walks over to me. “Normally don’t like people sitting in on these,” he says gruffly, sliding his clipboard under his arm and crossing them on his chest. “Distracts the boys. Haven’t seen Monroe play so fiercely before though, especially not in practice.”

  My eyes widen as he studies me. “Your father married his mother, right?”

  I swallow. “Yes, sir.”

  “I see them at almost every game,” he comments. “They’re both proud, especially his mother. She’s always cheering the loudest in the stands. I suspect you’ll be joining them from now on?”

  “Uh…yes?”

  I’m sure Kaiden won’t let me stay home, so the choice isn’t really mine. When he told me I should come to his practice, I tried telling him I had homework to do. Our argument lasted ten minutes before he distracted me with neck and shoulder kisses that led to way more touching than talking.

  And here I am.

  Reddening just thinking about it, I shift my backpack strap higher on my shoulder. “I know Cam is looking forward to the season starting, even though it’ll be hard for her knowing it’s the last one she’ll see. I hear kids saying it’ll be the best one yet.”

  He grins, grabbing his clipboard. “You keep coming, kid, and we’ll wind up on top for sure.”

  When my whole face heats up, he chuckles and walks away. Thankfully, Kaiden comes out soon after, freshly showered and back in his jeans and Henley. As we walk to his car, I glance at him and play with my backpack.

  Popping my lips, I ask, “Do people think something is going on with us?”

  His brow quirks. “Why?”

  My lips part, then promptly close.

  We get to the car but neither of us gets in. He stares at me from over the top. “Did someone say something to you?”

  “Not exactly…”

  “Was it Nichols?”

  “What?”

  His jaw ticks. “I saw you two talking outside the gym earlier. Did he say something to you?”