Underneath the Sycamore Tree

by Celeste, B.

  Kidney failure.

  “The good news is, there are treatment options,” he proceeds to tell me, though his optimism if further than I can see. “Depending on what the labs show, we can figure out the best course of action for you. Your rheumatologist will be involved to speak to you about the medications you’re currently on…”

  On and on he goes.

  He tells me that the headaches are most likely related to my kidney problems and asks about any issues urinating.

  Bloody urine? Dark? Trouble peeing?

  When my lips part to answer, nothing comes out. My brain is too wrapped up in the months I’ve spent seeing pinkened pee. The slight twinge of blood on the toilet paper. The foam. The back pain.

  How long have I known but wouldn’t admit it? How long could I have said something instead of pretending nothing was wrong?

  You could have stopped it.

  Slowed it.

  Something.

  Thorne must know that I’ve noticed changes, because he simply nods before telling me about further steps.

  Dad and Cam listen so intently to everything Thorne says, nodding along and sometimes interjecting with questions.

  What is a nephrologist?

  Will she need surgery?

  How long to you think she’ll be here?

  The questions and answers are fired so rapidly, I’m not sure I absorb them all. I think about everything that’s happened in the past twenty-four hours.

  I think about Dad.

  Cam.

  Kaiden.

  How many doctors in my past told me I was fine? That I was too young to experience the pain I was? How many times would I fall asleep at night crying because I couldn’t move? How many doctors are going to be responsible for the outcome that’s dangling in front of us?

  I swallow once Dr. Thorne excuses himself, slipping out the door and leaving us to digest everything.

  “I want to s-see Kaiden,” I tell Dad and Cam. It shouldn’t be the first thing out of my mouth, but the words can’t be stopped. I want Kaiden.

  “Em,” Cam says softly. “Sweetie, I know he wants to see you too—”

  “Please?” My voice cracks as I stare at her with watery eyes until her frown blurs. “I just want to see…him. That’s all…it’s all I’m asking for right now.”

  She looks at Dad before nodding.

  Dad watches her leave before turning to me, his hand still on mine. He watches the way his rougher, darker skin contrasts my brittle paleness. His hand is twice the size of mine, the warmth of his palm soaking into me.

  For the longest time, I don’t think he’s going to say anything. He doesn’t ask me how I’m feeling because that seems pointless. He doesn’t question me over what I’m thinking because he knows I’ll hold back.

  In a quiet tone, he says, “There’s a card of a mouse on your nightstand. I saw it when he called us in…” He swallows and takes a deep breath. “He called you mouse once.”

  Not knowing what else to do, I nod.

  When the door opens again, it’s Kaiden looking wide-eyed right at me. He looks paler than I’ve ever seen, maybe even paler than I am right now if it’s possible. His hair is a mess like I expected, sticking straight up in different directions like he’s been running his fingers through it nonstop.

  Dad glances between us. “I guess I’ll leave you two alone then.”

  He called you mouse once.

  In a blink of an eye, Kaiden is beside me, towering over me, staring down like I’m going to disappear. Am I? Will I?

  I lick my lips again.

  “I was fucking worried,” he growled, scanning over the wires surrounding me. His eyes dart to the monitor that’s showing my irregular heartbeat before turning back to me. “I was about to risk getting arrested just to see you. Do you know how damn hard it was standing out there while they had you in here?”

  “I—”

  “The nurses are assholes,” he informs me coolly, sneering at the door. “They kept telling me someone would be out to give me answers, and nobody ever did. Not once did those doors open, Emery.”

  Emery. Not Mouse.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, pressing my lips together. What else is there to say?

  “Mom said…” His nostrils flare. “Mom said that you’re not doing well. Tell it to me straight. What the fuck is going on?”

  That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? Right now, my blood is being tested to see how screwed I am. Thorne may have had optimism that we could slow the progression and damage based on the results, but there’s calmness to my stomach that shouldn’t be there and it’s not the medicine making me feel that way.

  “Em.” He brushes hair behind my ear and watches me closely, his bottom lip trembling in the slightest way.

  “Are you going…to go to M-Maryland still?”

  He gapes at me. “What the hell does that have to do with anything? We’re not talking about college right now.”

  “Are you?”

  He blinks.

  “Kaiden…” I take a deep breath and feel my own defenses completely shattering. “I need you to go to UM, okay? It’ll make me h-happy.”

  His throat bobs and his anger becomes tenfold as he studies my face.

  “Cam will be happy too,” I continue, wrapping my fingers around his. The way he looks at me is in pure disbelief. “I’ll v-visit when I can. When you have games, I’ll…come see you play and cheer you on.”

  His expression morphs into something unreadable. There’s pain lingering in his pinched lips, that much I can see. Kaiden Monroe has never been stupid. He knows I offer him that little bit of hope to ease the reality that’s about to hit us whether we’re ready or not.

  Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I give him a tiny smile. “Don’t tell Cam I told you this because she wants it to be a surprise, but she already bought a bunch of UM sweatshirts and memorabilia. I’m pretty sure I even saw one of those foam fingers.”

  His lips twitch upward, then flatten. The tiny shift of his anger for even a millisecond means he’s trying. He’s willing to let go of his anger.

  Trying to focus on what I want to say, I give myself a minute before managing a small, sad smile. “And…I think she bought something for all of us to wear, maybe…even customized the backs with your name.” We both know she’d do that. I’m sure once she finds out his jersey number, that’ll go on the back of any shirt she wears to games too.

  He flips our hands so his is squeezing mine. “Your skin is so pale.”

  That must say something considering we’re cloaked in darkness. Only the glow of the computer’s screensaver lights up the corner of the room. The narrow window on the door barely allows any of the hallway light to creep in.

  I brush my thumb against the top of his hand, noticing the smooth skin and tiny brown freckles. “I hear college food is way b-better than the stuff they serve in high school. There are options that don’t involve…mystery meat.”

  He chuckles, but it doesn’t sound the same as any other time he’s laughed.

  “Kaiden?” I murmur, my thumb stopping in the middle of its movement.

  “Yeah?”

  “Thank you.” He blinks up at me. “Thank you for being my friend. My best friend. Anyone could have stepped up and…tried knowing me and they didn’t. It was always just you.”

  He purses his lips. “Like you said, they were just blindly doing what I said.”

  I shake my head. “Annabel talked to me despite you wanting everyone to leave me alone. Sometimes girls would try getting gossip out of me about you. They were all willing to take and not give. Not even Annabel.”

  For a while, he doesn’t answer. “I was selfish. I didn’t want you making friends with anyone else.”

  I just smile.

  I know, is my silent reply.

  “But you,” I add, “were always there.”

  He allows himself to smirk. “Especially when you didn’t want me to be.”

  That’s
when I needed you most.

  The door clicks open and Dr. Thorne is followed in by Dad and Cam. His face says it all. It’s serious. Firm. I stay withdrawn, staring at the dark-haired man standing in front of me. He looks sympathetic—his eyes drowning in untold apologies and answers that weren’t there before.

  He had hope then.

  “Ms. Matterson,” he begins, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this…”

  I hear his words but don’t absorb them. Instead, I try to calm down Kaiden, whose body is shaking violently next to me.

  Dad is ashen.

  Cam is crying.

  Where is Mama?

  Kidney failure.

  End stage.

  Thorne tries to explain that the disease has eaten away at the vital organs, killing off my kidney function. The headaches are from a mixture of inflammation attacking tissue from the disease and the toxins not being filtered correctly from my impacted kidneys. The weight gain is from water retention building in my legs and face.

  Lo hadn’t looked like she’d gained weight in the end. She was fragile, like one touch could shatter her. Her eyes were sunken in the back of her head and her skin was an off-white that resembled a pale yellow. They say her liver had been impacted by then too.

  When Thorne clears his throat, he looks between everyone in the room. “There is a complication with moving forward with treatment options that you all need to be made aware of.” His eyes focus on me. “Dialysis would be the next step, because your body is no longer able to filter clean blood through your system. However, it has come to our attention that your heart is being impacted by the strain of your disease. The amount of inflammation around the valves is putting immense amount of pressure on them, which means your heart is working much harder to function properly. That’s what caused the stroke and heightened your blood pressure which you’re still experiencing.

  “Dialysis tends to impact the heart for patients who are on it long term. If patients willingly go on dialysis knowing they have heart conditions, the chances of cardiac arrest resulting in death is very likely.”

  Someone gasps.

  Someone chokes out a sob.

  And I just…stare.

  It all makes sense.

  My lack of friends. My unwillingness to settle down, to find a promising career path, to dream. I never wanted to date—to make time for people in my life. I make thousands of excuses that hold me back from truly living, and the final puzzle piece reveals the reason why.

  I’m not meant to.

  The realization slams into me, slices through me, opens me up. But I welcome it—the truth.

  Maybe the reason I could never feel satisfied with life is because I’m not meant to live a full one. I’m not meant to meet my future husband or have children. The fewer people who care about me, the fewer people I hurt when it all ends.

  “What are you saying?” Kaiden growls at him, somehow getting closer to me as if his protection can change things. “If her kidneys are failing and dialysis is the only way to stop her from…dying, then she has to go on it!”

  Cam steps forward. “Sweetie—”

  “She could fucking die!” he yells, probably waking anybody in the rooms around us from the bone-chilling tone.

  “Son,” Dr. Thorne says slowly, “this is not an easy decision either way. You’re correct. Dialysis is necessary to keep filtering the blood before toxins take over making her worse, but the risk of death from her heart condition while on it could also be an outcome.”

  Three sets of eyes turn to me.

  I just sit there, propped against pillows on a hard mattress. The machines still beep around me, the monitors giving away how I’m feeling as my heartrate accelerates.

  They watch me silently.

  I stare at nothing across the room.

  An empty wall.

  An open space.

  Nothing important or exciting.

  Dr. Thorne steps closer. “Emery, the best course of action I can think to take is speaking to your rheumatologist as soon as possible and considering medication adjustment. If we could lessen the inflammation and keep it at bay, your chances of doing better on dialysis are far greater than choosing to do emergency dialysis starting tonight.”

  My lips part slightly as I blink.

  Once.

  Twice.

  A third time.

  “Where’s Mama?” I rasp, slowly turning my head to Dad. His cheeks are damp, and his expression is bathed in panic.

  “She should be here any minute,” he answers, his voice sounding foreign to me.

  I nod.

  “Emery,” he says, walking over to me. I notice the way he eyes Kaiden until he replaces my overprotective best friend. “Baby girl, there is a lot to consider here. When your mother comes, I think the three of us need to sit down and talk it through.”

  Talk what through? That’s what I want to ask him now, in front of our waiting audience. Does he want to talk about which choice will make me die faster? Or make me suffer longer? Does he want to hash out Mama’s opinion and watch her cry when I tell them I disagree?

  My eyes are dry.

  Why are my eyes dry?

  Taking a deep breath, I turn to the doctor and ignore the way everyone’s eyes burn into my face. “How long?”

  His jaw moves side to side. “It depends.”

  “Mouse,” Kaiden whispers brokenly.

  “If I don’t…” I swallow, my nostrils twitching and throat closing. “If I don’t do dialysis, how…long?”

  Kaiden growls.

  Dad’s jaw drops.

  Dr. Thorne takes a deep breath. “You are at end stage renal failure. To be honest, it’s not long. But everybody is different.”

  I close my eyes. “So even if we try adjusting my medication first, there’s a chance…?”

  “Yes.”

  The room grows eerily silent.

  When my eyes open, they instantly find Dad’s. “There’s nothing to discuss then.”

  “Emery—”

  “Jesus. Fuck!” Kaiden slams his hand against the wall as he storms out, with Cam chasing after him, her palm muffling the sobs escaping her lips.

  Thorne walks over to me, standing just before Dad. “We can make you as comfortable as possible if that’s what you decide, Emery. If you want to talk to your family further about this, make sure you press the button once a choice has been made and I’ll come back in. Okay?”

  I’m not sure if I nod or answer, but he leaves Dad and I alone. Once the door is closed behind him, Dad shoots up.

  “You are not dying.”

  “I am.”

  “Emery—”

  “Dad!” My teeth grind. “You heard him. My heart isn’t going to take well to the treatment. I know you don’t want to hear this, but you need to. I’m going to die. Lo knew it right before she passed away, and I know it too.”

  The calmness washing over me.

  The lack of tears.

  “It’s about how,” I continue, trying to make myself sound stronger than I am. “I don’t want to keep suffering, Dad. The hassle of trying to readjust my medicine for the billionth time is pointless. The meds should have reduced the inflammation to begin with. And…and it wouldn’t matter if we tried waiting it out and you know it.”

  He palms his face, shaking his head and attempting to even his breathing. “I just got you back, Em.”

  I simply nod.

  “I just…” Tears overwhelm him.

  Feelings.

  Reality.

  Acceptance.

  “We got a year, Daddy.”

  “It’s not enough.”

  There’s a knock on the door.

  “Sunshine?”

  Mama.

  Chapter Forty-One

  There’s a rainbow arched over the small patch of trees outside the hospital. I don’t get to see all the bright colors because my view is obscured from the wheelchair I sit in by the large window. I’m nowhere near eye level from where the glass sits,
and the brick building hides part of the calling card I know Lo left for me.

  Mama sat with me and cried for hours last night while Dad watched from the cot someone brought in. It looks more uncomfortable than my bed, which I tell Thorne they need to consider changing. It’s bad enough patients have to deal with additional discomfort, but families shouldn’t have to.

  He told me he’d bring it up to someone.

  I doubt he will.

  Kaiden was missing in action until eight this morning. I’d fallen back asleep but never stayed in unconsciousness long. Between nurses coming in and out, Dad whispering to Mama, and Mama hissing arguments like I couldn’t hear, I couldn’t get settled.

  There was an elephant in the room taking up the open space that wasn’t occupied by expensive machines and my upset parents.

  I’m unsettled because I know this is it.

  I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of never waking up. Just like Lo. Her body was so still when Mama came in to check on her. I’d woken up to Mama’s loud cries as she kneeled beside Lo, holding her stiff, unmoving hand.

  Her eyes had been closed.

  Peaceful.

  Sleeping eternally.

  When Kaiden showed back up, he was wearing jeans, a tee, and his letterman jacket. His feet were shoved into a pair of his favorite blue sneakers that were some fancy brand made by an ex-basketball player, which was a step in the right direction from the bare feet he sported the night before. He and Cam brought back Dad a change of clothes, so he could finally get out of the pajamas he’s worn since we arrived.

  I spent that time pretending to sleep and listening to Mama and Dad argue about my wellbeing. They were trying to figure out what to do next, how to move forward. It was only when I finally opened my eyes that they painted smiles on their faces and acted like they weren’t trying to figure out how to convince me to try fighting.

  Internally, I scoff.

  I’ve been fighting for years. I fought for Mama’s attention. For her affection. To fit in. I’ve fought against my ill feelings toward Dad. The way I resented Lo for leaving me.

  I fight myself every single day.

  I fight to pretend I’m fine.

  To admit I’m not.

  To survive.